I had a dream that I was being suffocated in my sleep. I opened my eyes but couldn’t see through the pasty white flesh. It will all be worth it if I just make it through this. I’m choking now. Is there a hair in my teeth? Just stay calm. You won’t die, and when you wake up you’ll have everything you ever dreamed of. Is it worth it? What prize is worth this feeling? A jet passes overhead and I wake up. It’s over. Thankfully, Don Rickles isn’t staring back at me with drool coming down his face, spent.
Why would I dream of being Erika Jayne? What did it mean? I live in a shithole, my friends are non worked out gays that get no payment for their friendship. I fly Southwest, for fuck’s sake. It’s all cruel and meaningless, and I learned nothing.
I know. It’s the end of a season, not MY LIFE. Still, I can’t help but ask myself what the point of all this shit is? Even though it kills me to think this, I can’t help it: WHO’S GONNA WIN? I would hold my head in shame, but the TV isn’t on the floor so let’s just push these feelings deep down, bury them, and find the PLAY button.
Thanks for letting me share. Now let’s get to The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Reunion: Hagchella Part Three.
We open talking about how abusive it was for Vanderpump to not understand Eileen bringing up abuse randomly at dinner. Eileen just wanted to help people during appetizers, you guys. I got hit awhile back. Pass the rolls.
Vanderpump is questioned about her own abusive relationship at age 19. Visions of the World’s Fair and the invention of salt water taffy flash before her eyes. Like most Real Housewives, no tears roll down her face. Not because she’s not producing them, but because she has no fear of scratching her lens. She shoves a kleenex against her balls and blinks.
It’s terrifying and kinda brilliant. I predict tiny kleenex particles will form tissue cataracts in the near future, but Vanderpump would even find a way to turn that into a win and never have a visible eye boogar again. Eileen is bitchy pouting as Pump cries. LOLZ
At least someone will get a groundswell of public support off of my abuse story.
This story is HILARIOUS, BABY!
Pump hasn’t cried about it since it happened cuz she’s an unfeeling monster. Andy scrunches his face and calls a BINGO number out, but a producer reminds him that he’s supposed to be running a reunion. His eyes come back into focus and he asks Pump why she didn’t bring up her own abuse and have a Battle of the Abusive Relationships with Eileen right then and there when Eileen first brought her story up. Yolanda bends over and goads Lisa. “Dees is whad we wand from her! DA FEELEENZ!” As if Vanderpump has been practicing a thoughtful, hurt naked confused child shot for Vogue and finally nailed it.
YEZ JOO FEELED IT!
As Yolanda stage mothers Vanderpump about exploiting her past for airtime, I fear for all of us in the next season. Yolanda refuses to talk about her divorce now because a settlement hasn’t been reached. But wait. She’ll be fake crying over this shit for eons and giving herself gold stars for being “DA REELZ”. Yolanda re Lisa’s abuse: “Eed woulduff mayde us lige you.” HAHA
Yolanda is still fucking talking. The ladies are all on Lisa now for NOT trying to manipulate them with her tears. These are some of the biggest morons ever assembled on one set. Vanderpump, worried that her crying isn’t enough, insists that she feels things. She was vulnerable on camera. Remember when she cried about the abused dogs and protested at an innocent church’s address when her charity twink fucked up his google maps on her pink Yulin march? So many fluffy puppies being tortured, dahling. Each one, a potential new hairstyle for Ken.
Eileen snaps that Vanderpump feels more about dogs than she does any of the women in the cast. Vanderpump nods and says “Yes. Thank you.”
Eileen can’t tell if Vanderpump didn’t hear her right or is being an asshole, so Pump clarifies. “I have great empathy for animals and people I care about.” In other words, not you betches. For those who don’t understand my allegiance to Vanderpump, there’s the reason right there. She has had no problem EVER telling people what she’s thinking. She just does it in such a polite way that no one gets it. It’s fucking amazing to me. The cherry on top of a Vanderpump diss is usually a victim plea, so I’m excited when I press play again.
Pump: You’ve said a lot of nahsty things about me.
Eileen: (trying not to roll eyes) I haven’t said anything nasty. I was just honest.
Pump: Well, it hurt my feelings.
Yolanda shakes her head and smiles at Vanderpump turning this all right back around on Eileen as I laugh really hard.
So the ish is that Pump can’t be vulnerable about anything or show her feelings with the girls, and now she’s an asshole for crying and saying her feelings were hurt. Andy grins big, like he just solved a maze on the back of a Cap’n Crunch box. Eileen said sorry immediately! See! That’s all she wanted from Pump! Eileen: “Yes and I was sincere.”
She basically just said “I’m sorry…for whatever you’re mad about,” which is literally why she is mad in the first place. Andy doesn’t point out that Yolanda is shaking her head and smiling at everyone or that Rinna was trying not to laugh during Pump’s abuse story, but if Andy suddenly paid attention and got good at his job, nothing would make sense anymore so WELL DONE DUDE.
Does Lisa have trouble saying sorry? Yolanda nods and answers for her. “Eed’s nutteen new.” Spanx adjust.
Eileen stops them. She’s super pissed, ok? Because now she looks like a bitch! The whole point was to point out that Lisa V was a bitch, and no one sees it. What the living fuck? She musters up some phony ass tears and gets street. “The way you treated me, I had no recourse!” Were the Bravo Human Resources Department offices closed that day? Who stopped you from filling out the “Asked Me About the Husband I Stole” papers? “I had to stand up for MYSELF! Do you admit it?”
Vanderpump is staring at her blankly, so Andy repeats the question. She looks like she is just waking up from a nap. “Admit what?”
Eileen is left sputtering and fake crying. Badly.
Erika has been sitting there twiddling a kleenex and staring off into space like it’s date night with Don Rickles. Andy offers her a bone. Hey Erika member when you were mad at Kathryn for telling Vanderpump you called her a spider? I guarantee he will not ask “Why did you say that in the first place?” or “How do you even know Vanderpump?” Cuz he’s Andy.
Kathryn is an idiot (admittedly, a fairly nice one) and Erika’s got zero to talk about that Yolanda hasn’t told her to, so I’m not much interested in this. Andy reads questions from the Minnies of Minthawk Minnesota and Bernies of Belltower Michigan, and they all ask the same thing. Kathryn, how do you feel about being an awful human being?
Kathryn and Erika spar a bit as we yawn, and Vanderpump interjects and asks why Erika would think that stuff about her in the first place. Well, Andy wasn’t gonna do it. Erika saw how V acted in the Hamptons and when she was talking smack about Yolanda’s kids lying about Lyme, that’s why! No one mentions the fact that she was pestered by Kyle to talk about Mohammed. No one mentions that in this very reunion Yolanda admitted that Pump told the truth when she said Mohammed said the kids were healthy. What’s the fucking point of even having reunions?
Now about that c word…Erika says she uses it when it’s appropriate and in Kathryn’s case it was. Kathryn has a bit of fight in her and reminds Erika that she’s done nothing but shit talk everyone in the cast except Yolanda. No one cares, really. Erka is yelling now, which should be more fun than it is. She shout/asks if she should tell Vanderpump that Kathryn called her a “harmless old lady”. Vanderpump, along with America, shrugs as Kathryn calls her a liar and it becomes a talk over match.
Housewives Reunion math time! Erika: I swear on my son’s life! (She left him when he was three to find fame) PLUS Kathryn: I swear on the Bible! (Doesn’t know how to pronounce Westminster Abbey) MULTIPLIED BY Both liars DIVIDED BY Don’t care EQUALS fast forward.
Let’s get some Brandi time in! She’s not here in person to yell at people, she’s doing this via webcam from her latest out of her price range apartment rental holding a wine glass from Marshall’s. She basically tells everyone off while Vanderpump openly slams Andy for being unfair and letting her have airtime with no rebuttals. She calls Rinna batshit, Kyle a bitch, and gives Eileen props for discovering hot oil hair treatments and calling Vanderpump on her manipulative bullshit. Then she tells Vanderpump that “you were my puppeteer” and “I did your dirty work.” Could someone please remind me what Brandi did that Vanderpump made her? I don’t remember.
Did Vanderpump make her call Maloof out on lying about giving birth? Or throwing wine in Eileen’s face after bitching her out for being a man stealer? I don’t even remember the accusations any more.
LVP looks at the screen and then at Andy like We’re piping in podcasts, now?
Yolanda, of course, smiles and nods through the whole thing. The others look away and roll their eyes. Vanderpump, still disgusted, turns to the bobbleheaded wonky faced moron running the reunion. “Really, Andy?”
Andy wants reactions from everyone, but they mostly just shrug and refuse, because this is a new low, even for this dodo bird. Andy, not understanding that he just failed on a really large scale, wonkily smiles big and twitches a little. Segment about how rich everyone is. Erika winks and laughs as she watches, as if we don’t all sadly picture Don Rickles sitting on her face every time she flashes a diamond.
On cue, Andy asks her about a teabag. I honestly can’t. EVEN.
Fluff out of the way, let’s give Vanderpump more shit. Clip of Rinna bringing up Munchausen and supposedly telling Rinna to bring Kyle into it. Rinna asks “Why would she ask me why I didn’t bring Kyle into it? And why did she ask Kyle why I didn’t bring her into it? SHE’S CAUGHT!” Yeah, you’ve admitted here on camera and in your blog that you had dinner with Kyle re: Munchies first and then brought it up on camera, which is why Vanderpump was surprised you didn’t drag Kyle into it. CUZ YOU HAD ALREADY BROUGHT HER INTO IT OFF CAMERA. Fuckin a. AGAIN? NOOOOOOOOO
This morphs into Kyle being a really good person and accepting Vanderpump even though she’s a monster. No clips of Kyle pretending she’s never heard the word Munchies, no clips of Kyle pushing everyone into calling Yolanda a liar about her not sick kids. KYLE IS THE WORST.
Vanderpump says their relationship is real and they had a good laugh at Yolanda’s insta. HAHAHAH. Yolanda acts shocked. Vanderpump says “Well, when your head was popping out of a toaster we had a good laugh. We told you that!” Dying. Yolanda: “I’m glad you could find eet da funnys.” She shakes her head as Kyle and Vanderpump laugh in her face. LOLZ
We’ve gone through the Vanderpump trashing, so let’s move onto Ken trashing. He called Rinna a stupid bitch and a wanker. Vanderpump shrugs. Rinna and Eileen would be so appalled if their husbands did that! Well one of your husbands refuses to even shoot with you 99 percent of the time, and the other husband tells you to stfu on camera while he gambles your day job money away. Keep ’em.
Rinna whips out her phone and reads off a list of every name Ken called her. I’m dying laughing. To think I almost turned this off. Vanderpump tries to argue that he never said wanka, but he totally did. And yes, she would have been pissed if another husband said stuff like that about her. You can’t marry a bitchy queen and then tell him not to be a bitchy queen. It would be like marrying Andy and then getting upset that he didn’t even bother watching the season before reunion time.
No one argues about what Ken said, though, cuz he was right on all counts. They’re just mad that he said it. Yolanda jumps in. Remember when Ken PHYSICALLY ABUSED HER? hahahahahahahah
Rinna adds that Ken said Yolanda looked terrible at the dinner she showed up wearing no makeup at AGAIN. Vanderpump yawn replies that he said that because Yolanda looked sick. Andy righteously snaps “But she WAS sick.” Yes, you fucking IDIOT THAT’S HER POINT OMGSDOGIHSPDOgihaoifghao[sihg[aoiwdhgb
He asks Rinna why she suddenly turned on Pump and what Lisa told her to say on camera through phone calls and texts. “Well, there was the Munchausen…”. Rinna’s inability to remember her story is fucking hysterical. She just said in last week’s episode that Vanderpump never used that word at all. She also said that in her blog. Don’t feel bad if you didn’t read it. Rinna didn’t either. I am loving this crazy ass. She’s becoming her character from Melrose Place, and that betch blew shit up. Literally. So excited for next season.
Also, Lisa V told Rinna she should be more upset about being called bipolar, which Rinna didn’t care about at all. Um, wasn’t it Eileen who told Rinna that Yolanda called her that and she should be pissed? It’s on fucking camera people.
Wanna talk about Munchies more? Rinna says they all talked about it. Kyle starts yelling. They talked about it because Rinna brought it up! Yeah but you knew she brought it up so…so what? I don’t know. She doesn’t say. Kyle yells that the first time she heard the word was at dinner at Shu with “Jana” when Lisa said it. PS it took me twenty minutes of googling a restaurant named “Shoe” to get to the bottom of this. And why isn’t this Jana out here getting flogged?
Andy, barely making an effort to make sense of this, says that Rinna’s point is that they both knew she was saying Munchausen in private before she said it on camera. Yes, Kyle says, but not Vanderpump because she wasn’t at the dinner. Kyle told her afterwards. Andy asks Rinna what “you believe Vanderpump said to you in the driveway.” HAHAH
Rinna remembers exactly what was said! Vanderpump chased her over Swan Shit Bridge….Vanderpump interjects “I always walk people out, dahling” and Rinna snaps “CAN I HAVE MY MOMENT PLEASE?!” Vanderpump asked why she didn’t bring Kyle into it. SHE’S CAUGHT! RINNA, you JUST said that you had talked about it with Kyle at dinner, Kyle told Vanderpump. Why WOUDN’T LVP be shocked you didn’t bring Kyle into it? Just to type something different, as I’ve typed this paragraph five hundred times this season, let’s take this story as truth.
Rinna: I had dinner with Kyle and Jana at Payless Shoes. I brought up Munchausen. Kyle told Vanderpump. Vanderpump called me and asked if I bought shoes with arch support, as even poor people need strong feet. Also, everyone knew I was saying Munchausen over and over and I should do it on camera before I’m called out (most likely by Kyle). So I did. I was forced into saying Munchausen cuz I already said Munchausen and was the only one to say it.
OK that’s all true. So who’s the asshole again? And I also need to add, I am totally with Rinna on her original comment. Yolanda is a fake and a liar and has been caught using her phony ass illness over and over again. When she brought it up on camera I cheered and even said at the time that Kyle and Vanderpump obviously tricked her into taking the fall for saying it. The problem is that she won’t OWN IT BABY and worse, that she’s plainly admitting over and over that she was the only one to use the word MUNCHIES in the first place. Why is this even a fight? MAKE IT STOP.
If anyone deserves credit for manipulation here, it’s Kyle. She hates Yolanda, got Rinna talking about it, tattled on her for saying Munchies. Then she got Vanderpump to be afraid that they were all gonna get dragged into it, so Vanderpump called Rinna and told her to say it on camera to minimize the damage. Then she acted dumb when Rinna brought it up, then acted dumb and pretended to believe Rinna about Vanderpump wanting her to blame Kyle. THEN she pestered Vanderpump into saying on camera that Mohammed said the kids were fine, which was the truth but would make her look terrible. I think Kyle is satanic, but I have no problem applauding the devil when he’s performed a good roasting. Well done, Kyle. Well done. Now please celebrate with a gay who can teach you how to dress.
Andy keeps asking questions even though they’ve been answered five zillion times. Eileen pats Rinna on the shoulder and insists that she’s not a liar. Who does Yo believe? Um, we already did all this. I refuse to write any more about this.
Kyle says that this is Eileen’s issue with Vanderpump and she’s trying to drag them into it. Eileen starts questioning what the truth is. Kyle’s or Lisa’s? Eileen, honey, please be quiet. You can’t run your storyline. You can’t run someone else’s. Plus you wear pirate shirts with bunnies on them. Go back to your day job.
Andy says that Vanderpump has been accused of manipulation by everyone in the cast at some point. Vanderpump shrugs. I wish Andy had the forethought to get a clip of what Vanderpump manipulated people into doing. What?
Is there anyone V owes an apology to? She shrugs again and says no. LOL.
As they each talk about their general thoughts about the season, Vanderpump boils the whole thing down to one sentence. “I’m sorry people think I’m manipulative.” Bwahahahahahahahahahah
Andy goes around asking non questions to end the show and makes everyone describe each other in one word. Thankfully, Erika’s lifted the embargo on “cunt”, so it goes by quickly.
I’ve written a rambling recap for every episode of this show, and I have laughed really hard, cried occasionally and been extremely angry. Some theorize that fans watch because we project our own issues onto the women and situations (guilty) and that we’re all envious of the lives we see on TV. I’ve taken that as fact, but as I sit here at the end, I wonder. Am I jeal?
I’m afraid to take a nap. That suffocating feeling might come back. I could die in my sleep. I get projection, but I don’t want to become Erika every time I try to rest. But why wouldn’t I, if the driving force is regret about my own life decisions and envy of others’? As I lie here, I feel a change. My eyes close and I realize that I am having trouble breathing. Not because of an old man lying on top of me, though. Because I just ate an entire Little Caesars Hot and Ready and smoked three cigarettes in a row. When I open my eyes, I look around at my shitty poor person abode. No one is here, no one will be. There are no diamonds on my nightstand. There is no fancy car in my driveway to prove that I’ve made it. Just an empty pizza box, a half smoked joint and the latest episode of The Good Wife waiting on my Roku.
It’s hard to explain the feeling or why it matters, but it’s in me, and it’s strong. It’s happiness. It took hundreds of hours to answer, but I finally know who won.
Thanks so much for reading and commenting all season, you guys! I love writing this drivel, and you being here makes it all worth it.
I co-host the Watch What Crappens podcast twice a week. Find it on iTunes Sticher Soundcloud or any other podcast app. I’m on twitter @RonnieKaram, so feel free to talk it out. Also, thanks to the many who tweet me with pics and blog links! I try to use them all! LOVE