Hey ya’ll! So confession up front: MissKitty is an avid Washington Capitals fan, and they are playing their bete noire, the Pittsburgh Penguins, who smoke their asses every single year. So I’m watching through my fingers and may interject a loud curse once in a while as the bed they doth shit.
So… sorry for the lateness of this recap. MissKitty had a horse riding competition to prepare for this weekend; MrHorse performed wonderfully, or, as well as his Etch-a-Sketch brain could muster. Love that lunkhead. Anyway, this week Ashley and Kathryn meet face to face, Naomie and Craig break up, even though they already broke up, Chels has a heart to heart with her dad, the “boys” go out for some male bonding, and Austin closes his mouth all the way. HAHA. Just kidding. That thing has like a permanent hinge on that shit. Let’s roll!
Okay- Ronnie and Ben of Watch What Crappens have already addressed this hilariously, but I’m going to piggy back that the extension of the fucking Birds and the Bees song MUST END. TODAY. It’s awful. It makes no sense. I want to see the opening, dammit! I want to see TRav stiffly turn around like a dummy on a stand holding his bourbon on the promenade. Come ON.
Typical waking up scenes- Craig can’t figure out how to read a newspaper, Shep is putting, and we get to see THIS ADORABLE SPECIMEN!!!
Ehn! You ALMOST make me forget about Gizmo!
Austin puts on a clay mask next to a very odd fish stencil. WTF is that?
Close. Your. Goddamn. Mouth.
We see cute Cam hijinks as she bounces on the ball begging her baby to go down. Ding Dong! Someone’s at the door! Who is it? OMG! The best person on the show!! It’s MICHAEL! Bearing paper towels!
Patricia is giving Michael to Cam as a baby gift. She tells him she doesn’t know what to have him do. He says confidently, “I always just find things to do and I just do them”
Um… Will you marry, me Michael? MissKitty wants to be MrsKittyMichael
She busts out all the “gadgets” for her baby, including a food masher. Cam endears herself to busy-ass moms everywhere when she admits she will NOT be making her own baby food.
“Gas station food was good enough for me, so jar baby food will be good enough for Palmer”
Cam then asks Michael if he rubs feet. He says YES HE CAN. When Cam complains that Jason won’t rub her feet, Michael says that Jason is her husband, and Michael is a Domestic, so…. I guess that means he does whatever needs doing. As Michael rubs her feet, Cam hilariously says that she feels like he’s cheating on Patricia, and he jokes that if Jason saw, he’d be getting his gun.
Is it wrong of me to think that this is the closest to action that Michael has seen in like 4 years?
Next, we see Craig facetiming with his parents, who are freaking so parent-y and adorable as they fumble with it.
Haha. Yep. That’s a dad!
They ask about his sewing (awww!) and Craig answers that he does a pillowcase a night while Shawn and he are “watching their shows” (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!). Okay. I know Craig would drive me to homicide with the nasally whiny monotone. I also know that he has a tendency to be annoyingly literal and a procrastinator. But I love that he is so un-self-consciously dorky. They also ask about Naomie, and they both seem sad that things didn’t work out. While Craig gives them a post-mortem of things lately, I am too distracted by his mom’s shirt:
I don’t know what this is, but it’s fucking awesome
Craig refreshingly admits he has problems with organization. Which beats out 99% of the assholes in the world. Maybe he just needs Michael for the day!
Next TRav and JD meet up.
“Hi, how’s your life?”
“Fucked up. How’s yours?”
Thomas is eager to talk JD being single, and JD says he went to the baby shower with Elizabeth because she asked him, and “how can you say no to that?” I have a bad feeling that Elizabeth is open to taking his cheating, lying ass back. Thomas admonishes JD that it sends the wrong message. Then JD’s life passes before his eyes as TRav counsels HIM on respectful co-parenting.
When THIS degenerate in his one plaid shirt is giving you life-advice, you fucked up
“I fucked up”
Thomas seals the deal by noticing that it’s quite a role reversal and then cackles like a seagull
“Ahm the stable won naow”
“I fucked up”
KDenn goes out onto the balcony of her apartment on her busted-ass phone.
Kathryn talks to Cam and Cam brings up the non-invite of the baby shower.
Love her outfit!!
Which brings me to an aside– My commenters delivered AGAIN this week, including a DOOZY from Flea Stark!!! Apparently, Patricia and Kathryn may have made up!!! There’s a video clip of KDenn hanging with Whitney of all people, joking that he has impregnated her. Patricia has commented on it. And apparently, Pat HATES Ashley now. OOOooooOOOOOOOO SO JUICY!! I command you! Go to the comments section of my last recap and behold. Thanks Flea!
Kathryn tells Cam that she got Ashley’s number from Thomas and invited her to lunch, explaining that since Ashley’s around her kids so much, she should get to know her. Which is so mature and awesome. Good for her!
Shep meets up with Peyton, of RelationShep “fame”, and the only one thirstier than she is, is this dude right here breaking the fourth wall
‘OMG OMG OMG OMG I’M ON TV OMG OMG OMG!!!!!1111!!!!!”
“Just bring that Fame-Flavored Gatorade Keg riiiigghhhhhht here. I’m ready!”
I actually don’t mind this chick- she works with dogs, and matter-of-factly relays that she got peed on by a Great Dane. Plus she got sh-wasted and started giving the other famewhores in the Shep bachelor pad shit, and that’s always entertaining. Shep has stayed friends with Peyton, because he stays friends with all his exes. He cheers “to us” and it made me LOL. Peyton wants to parlay her position to go out with a bunch of the girls. Peyton then lets it slip that she not only knows Austin, he just texted her.
“Thought I’d give that strain of VD a try”
Shep admits this is familiar territory, saying he gets them on base for Austin and Austin knocks them in.
Um. If you actually didn’t go down looking, maybe you’d knock some in yourself, dude
Next KDenn and Ashley meet up for lunch!!! OooOooooOOOO!
“Hey bitch. I mean, Ashley”
Ashley starts off on the right foot by asking Kathryn if she is ordering a cocktail. I honestly don’t think she was being deliberately mean (that time); I think she’s just stupid as fuck. She lays out the timeline of meeting Thomas… then a week later moving out to… wait. WHAT? WHO DOES THAT? Are you kidding me?! Ashley then informs Kathryn that she met the kids on Mother’s Day.
The face of someone who knows what the fuck is up with these two
What a dick move on Thomas’s part. Kathryn calmly explains in an interview that neither are supposed to introduce the children to “new romantic prospects” and that she follows all the rules. He is such a fucking manipulative piece of garbage.
The face of someone who finally gets that she fell into a Devil’s Bargain
Take a good look Fembot. Enjoy! KDenn finally realizes that all the crazy fights got her nowhere. I’m LOVING her wisdom! She has more maturity than that wrinkled Peter Pan she was in love with.
We next see Cam, her friend Leva and adorable Danni meet up for drinks. Well, Danni has drinks for both of them, because both Cam and Leva are pregnant. Danni orders a glass of wine and checks to make sure Leva isn’t going to hurl from the smell.
Danni is my twin on baby questions
Cam and Leva smell the wine and drool, and they talk about pumping and dumping. Danni, again, mirrors my face.
“Do what now?”
She asks an excellent follow up question “wouldn’t that help the baby sleep?” hahahahahaha!! I love Danni so much.
Next Chels goes out to the beach to visit her dad.
Apparently, they both got the same dogs. Or is that her dog?
Chels’ dad seems like a really cool guy.
Not hard on the eyes, either
They set up to do some fishing, and Chelsea awkwardly calls him the “master baiter”. Oh Chels. No, honey. We find out her parents divorced when she was three, and the halfway point to meet up with her dad was at the Hooters. All righty then. Dad brought her a flask with some Tequila. Hahaha. Nice!!! She says he’s her best friend (aw!)
Dude you gotta love a dad who brings his daughter a flask of tequila!
He asks about Austin and she tells him how he’s basically a man-whore, and she says that it’s tough, because her family really “takes you in” when they like you. She worries that she’ll be single and childless forever, and he asks her if she’s happy. She says “yes”. Then he makes me love him times infinity when he tells her, “not everyone is meant to be married; not everyone is meant to have kids” he says he’d be okay with it, and says the dog is his grandbaby.
Damn straight. Best one to have IMO
Next is my favorite scene- KDenn, Chels, Danni and Naomie all get together for a girls’ night. Kathryn says having a bunch of girlfriends is much better than having a shitty boyfriend.
P R E A C H
A the fuck MEN
In good girls’ night out trad, they pull the pillows and blankets onto the floor like a slumber party. LOVE!
Then we cut over to Thomas, who is already bored of Ashley (he mumbles “strong” for his drink and “weak” for her… drink). She burbles about some mug shot signs she ordered for a bachelorette party she’s attending as he could not give less of a fuck.
Feel that tickle on your back? It’s flop sweat.
She teases him about his own mugshot, which we see again with his coked out eyes. He is NOT amused. He grumpily tells her he doesn’t want her to go to the pourty and she squeals, ignoring him.
Eh boy. Just ask Landon about his Mr. Darcy quote
We are on the edge of KrakaThomas, peering into the fire
She then reports back on her meeting with Kathryn. She says she was impressed with her. Thomas almost seems disappointed. Because he’s an asshole.
“Kathryn foiled mah plans to have thim fight like Tasmanian Devils”
Then Ashley fawns over him going out “with the single boys” and is worried about all the women throwing themselves at him (like she did). Thomas complains that he needs “a little space”
Get ready, Ashley- this is your future! Enjoy!
He faux whines that he’s not a piece of meat, and grins “that’s what I tell them”
Wow. What a GEM. Enjoy Ashley!
Chels arrives and is creeped out at the finger statue with the bananas and asks if they are learning how to put on condoms
Kathryn hilariously pokes fun at herself “I should take that class”
Naomie arrives and they ask her if she spoke to Elizabeth. Naomie says she has, and although she has agreed to stay out of it, she will never like him. Danni says Elizabeth owed Naomie a text so it wasn’t such a shock, and Chels says Naomie should stay out of it now, since Elizabeth made her look like a jackass.
We cut over to the boys. Austin, Craig, Whitney, Shep and Thomas all meet up. Craig looks handsome.
Austin has gone from regular “Mouth-Breather” to “Unhinged-Jaw-Rodent-Swallower” from excitement
The boys all decide to try to get Craig to meet “as many girls as possible”
Riiiight. Because it has so far been a GREAT SUCCESS for all of you douchenozzles
Austin gets really deep wondering if Craig likes a blonde, a brunette or a redhead. Wow, Austin. I guess hair color is all it takes. I know it’s a PRIVILEGE to see your assne and protruding tongue, but maybe JUST MAYBE, Craig is looking for quality instead of quantity. I know! Crazy idea! Women as… PEOPLE!? WHAT?!
Back with the girls, they convene for dinner, and it looks like a blast. Their poor little waiter is not prepared. Chels asks if Kathryn is still on Bumble, and Kathryn starts cracking up that she saw Austin on there. Then Naomie gets the party started.
Now it’s getting real
Danni admits it was a week and a half ago, with Todd. Hahahaha! Go girl! Then she asks Naomie the same question and Naomie admits 6 months. Danni is horrified.
It’s not THAT long, damn! haha
The waiter is giggling.
“Girls are terrifying and alluring!”
Naomie says it’s because she wasn’t in the mood when they were fighting. Chels says she has that good vibrator. Naomie denies it, and Kathryn breaks it down and says hers is waterproof and she takes it everywhere.
LOLZZZZ!!!! TEAM KDENN 4EVA!
Back at the bar, the guys are blatantly trying to hook Craig up. He’s puzzled. I have to agree. The hottest, more interesting, funniest chicks are over on the rooftop, losers. Thomas reveals his moves, and in the era of #MeToo, even Austin is like
“Not the best approach, Harvey”
Austin then reverts back to his massive toolery by saying that even Thomas’s obnoxious approach is still “more game” than Craig has. I don’t think these morons have quite cottoned to the fact that Craig isn’t looking to get a lot of random ass. He’s actually looking for a partner. He doesn’t want to be a pathetic 50 year old man trolling after college girls.
Back with the girls, Naomie rehashes her fight with Craig and the long text he sent her later. The girls agree she needs to talk to him (Um… foreshadowing… not the best idea). Chels asks Naomie about the tracker she has on Craig and Naomie shows her how she can track him on her phone, like he’s a goddamn pet.
Naomie admits at least that she’s a little psycho
Shep calls Craig over to meet some girls, and Craig isn’t impressed. Shep is talking to him in such a way that is embarrassing to anyone. It’s like Shep is his mom. Shep then corners Austin to ask about Peyton. Austin swears they didn’t hook up. Craig is bored and they call it a night.
He goes to get a haircut from Chels and confides his confusion about Naomie. We flashback to the girls in PJs and Naomie tracking where they were. Chels kindly asks Craig if they can’t just sit down and talk.
I like their rapport
Naomie and Craig meet up, and Naomie says she’s tired of being mad. Um. Really? You sure? Craig arrives, and he lays it on the table that he would like them to get back together. Naomie is resistant. Did he cheat on her or something? She seems disproportionately angry at him. Craig says he wants to change and not stay up so late and sleep so late. Naomie says she can’t believe just words. Oh okay- Got it. She wants a boyfriend who is conscious during normal person hours. I see. Craig lists his accomplishments. Which are great, and all, but if you have totally different hours of living, it won’t work as long as someone wants to go do stuff with his or her significant other. They start yelling at one another, and Craig concludes “I guess we’re not getting back together”.
Captain Obvious says “Peace Out”
I’m not going to lie- I am sad to see them fight. So, what do you think? Next week, it looks like Naomie goes after Peyton. Uh OH! Is Naomie out of line? Are Ashley’s days numbered? Hit me up!
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