MisRed is having deja vu. Probably because she WAS just doing this before- yesterday with RHOBH. But here we are, together again, in accordance with God’s plan. Welcome to the longest recap in the history of recappery.
Previously, on Manhattan Island, Sonja bad-mouthed Tinsley and implied she was a kept woman. Where can MisRed sign up to be a kept woman? LuAnn, Sonja and Bethenny were annoyed by Carole’s seemingly-varying post-marathon gratefulness texting game. Sonja raided LuAnn’s Hamptons Closet, insinuated Ramona slept with every contractor, plumber, dry-waller, Mexican migrant worker, electrician, doorman and garbage collector in New York City.
It’s verbal water-boarding, Ass!!!
Dorinda’s head flew off at Sonja’s comparison of her divorce to Richard’s death. Bethenny threw herself a birthday party and someone has done a partial-personality transplant on Ramona.
Back in Sag Harbor at the LuMan compound, we revisit Ramona requesting that they (they being: Sonja, Lu, Lu’s terrified friend and Ramona) be more sensitive when talking about one another. Hahaha. Wouldn’t the better request be: Let’s not talk about one another? Hell, Queen Andy must have a show, so that point is MOOT.
After Sonja insane diatribe regarding her super-busy life living alone in a dilapidated mans on the Upper East Side, with nothing but a rusty dog and a few Pickles her company, Lu, who, herself has “suffered a lot,” tries to soothe Sonja’s ego by saying “You’ve been through a lot.”
(A lot of what? Men? Booze? Toaster Ovens? Brown Ice? Interns? Wednesday Night Gay Parties? Bidet-washed panties?)
This tips the see-saw of Dorinda’s already fraying last nerve- where Sonja is concerned, and National Treasure Dorinda Medley LETS IT FLY in a way ONLY Dorinda can. How dare Sonja compare the breakdown of her marriage and subsequent divorce to the death of a spouse? Dorinda interviews- they are not comparable. One is a choice, one is a tragedy.
MisRed KNOWS there is a lot of debate on this. Some feel that Dorinda mentions Richard and his death too much. Sonja was married for 8 years and Dorinda was married for 6 years, although, from the way Dorinda speaks of Richard, he was the love of her life. Dorinda is not wrong- one is a choice, the other is, well, tragedy seems difficult to apply to someone who lived 60 years- as opposed to, say, the death of a small child, NOT a choice. When you divorce, the person is still walking this earth. Even if the divorce was not something you wanted, the person is alive, you can hear news of them, you can observe their life whether you are in it or not. When someone dies… that’s it. Once they close that casket or cremate – or as instructed in MisRed’s will- TAXIDERMY, there is relatively little chance you will run into them- you know, unless you are at Kyle Richard’s house for a séance. You do not get to know what they would be doing now, you don’t get to observe them living their life. You don’t have the comfort of knowing that they are just right there.
Richard’s death is still relatively recent- 2011. MisRed’s mother died in 1989. My Dad doesn’t mention my mother a lot, he doesn’t go on and on about burying his wife, or that it was a tragedy to lose his wife at age of 50. MisRed can tell you this, there are still pictures of my Mom everywhere. We talk about her and about the things she has missed- the way she would get a kick out of MisRed’s Tyrannical Niece and would likely be helping her develop her plan for World Domination. When you divorce, you heal and allow yourself to move on, you love again, or you don’t or in LuAnn’s sitch, you love for a few months and then you settle for Street Meat. When you lose a spouse, you can heal, and you can allow yourself to move on, but your heart is incomplete. A piece is missing- and it’s the piece you buried with your spouse.
Perhaps, MisRed reads too much into it, or it’s a little too personal of a topic- but part of Dorinda’s healing is talking about Richard. She’s not living in the past, she has moved onto a sweaty, disgusting Dry Cleaner, but she is rejoicing in Richard’s memory and she saves an incredible amount in Dry Cleaning. Sonja talking about her divorce, which is clearly a sore topic isn’t about healing. Sonja dwells in the past. She is constantly ripping the scab off and reopening the wound. She will never heal from this if she doesn’t start LIVING her life and stop wallowing in what used to be. Sonja has built up an ugly scar, and that shit stays with you for life, like herpes or luggage.
MisRed Aside concluded.
Back to the mayhem. Sonja and Dorinda yell at one another- How dare you! You better apologize.
LuAnn’s friend, Mary, utters 3 words: Oh my gosh. Honey, you don’t know the half of it.
What did I do to deserve this?
In another room, Dorinda RAGES. Lu tries to hug her but it’s like, you know, trying to handcuff the Incredible Hulk with a twist tie.
Back at the table, Sonja says that Dorinda just doesn’t understand. Dorinda, Sonja says, never talks to her about it- Dorinda talks to everybody else. In Sonja’s Extra from Saturday Night Fever Talking Head she says: “For people that I care about, my girlfriends, to repeat rumors, it’s just not fair.
Hmmmm, seems like Santa has a pretty LONG List of Rumors Sonja has repeated or planted in the press or general lies.
Sonja claims there was no cheating and she had a BEAUTIFULl marriage. If it was as beautiful as you say, why are you divorced. ONE or BOTH of you couldn’t live shackled to other.
Perhaps he saw the future…
Ramona tells Sonja that she went too far- and that sometimes things are said that shouldn’t be said- and Ramona would know- she’s the Queen of saying inappropriate things and then refusing to take responsibility for them.
Lu tries to calm Dorinda down, but it’s going to take a dart of Horse Tranquilizer at this point Lu asks her to have some compassion for Sonja because she’s been on some meds and is currently fat. Lu compares them to trying to separate two dogs in heat… she needs to get the garden hose.
Back at the brunch table, Sonja tells Mary she lost her best friend, just like Dorinda did. And it’s like her ex-husband is “dead to her.”
MisRed REALLY thinks Sonja needs a dictionary. “Dead to me” or her or whatever, means that you don’t speak of, think of whatever the thing is that “dead” to you.
MisRed can’t even tell you the number of places- restaurants / stores / movie theaters that are “dead to” MrRed. We have a movie theater, like, 3 minutes from our house. That theater is “dead to” MrRed. Why? Get a load of this. At this theater, you must purchase your concessions- food & booze, IN THE LOBBY, as opposed to ordering and having them bring it to you AT YOUR SEAT. Hence, it’s dead to him. This awesome taco place near us, DEAD TO HIM. Because it took the bartender too long to take his order when he went there alone on a Sunday while MisRed was out of town. Thankfully, MisRed managed to negotiate that death to “only on Sundays.” MrRed can’t just kill sh*t whenever he feels like it. It’s almost like he thinks he’s in charge.
Back to Sonja- She says that Ramona is the only one that knows the REAL story, and that Dorinda is just listening to rumors. Sonja, as always, missing the point completely.
Sonja, I’m doing my BEST fake cry here, OKAAAAY?!?!?
Ramona BEGS Sonja to just say that she is sorry. Sonja says, “But she’s not sorry (for) what I’m going through.” Awww, look at Ramona- thinking of Dorinda’s pain, and trying to smooth things over so that everyone can be friends. So sweet.
Oh wait, Ramona just doesn’t want this to spill over into her party and ruin the evening. Wait, you thought Ramona had actual feelings? Don’t be silly.
Again, Ramona asks Sonja to say that she is sorry. Sonja, f*cking classic, narcissistic non-apology “I am sorry that she’s acting like this.”
It couldn’t have anything to do with me.
As if SHE bears absolutely NO responsibility to why Dorinda is seeing red. Granted, Dorinda is off the rails and INSANE WITH RAGE, so unless someone is going to present Sonja’s dead, bloated body on a silver platter, nothing is going to calm her down, but time and 26 Martinis.
Sonja interviews- I don’t feel I have to explain the love she has for my ex or the pain of my loss.
Dorinda apologizes to Lu for ruining her brunch. See? Dorinda, although burning with rage and fury, still has the common sense and manners to apologize to the host. Lu and Ramona try to get Dorinda to come sit back down – they explain the Sonja lives in the past and she can’t help it. Also, “Sonja isn’t malicious, she doesn’t have a mean bone in her body.”
But she CAN help it!! People get over things all the time. But Sonja lives on a different planet than everyone else. She is deluded. She sees absolutely nothing wrong with her behavior. Ok, maybe she isn’t malicious but the things she says and her actions have repercussions. They hurt people and cause issues that wouldn’t be if Miss Not-Malicious hadn’t taken the actions she did.
Let’s say MisRed kills someone today. Which is, you know, entirely possible. But let’s say, for the sake of argument it’s the guy from her coffee shop. The one who, has a stupid man-bun, smells, watches TV on his laptop at full volume without headphones, snarfs and clears his throat, sits there for hours without buying a cup of coffee or ANYTHING, has multiple conversations on speakerphone, shakes a protein shake (plastic cup with metal ball inside), and somehow eats a banana at a volume that registers on the Richter Scale…. all whilst MisRed attempts to construct a witty recap of a Bravo show. Let’s say this guy falls on MisRed’s machete. He falls onto it, like, seven times. Did she MEAN to kill him? Of course not. Did she wield her machete with malice? No. Don’t be silly. Sometimes machete’s get loose. Is this douchecanoe still dead? Yes.
BTW, We are not even 5 minutes into this episode.
Dorinda is like- I’m insulted and I’m out of here. Oh ha, MisRed forgot that Ramona drove her there. Ramona is like- Bye, everything was delicious. Ramona, she’s a regular Mother Teresa, interviews “I am freaked. Okaaaaay? I am having a very special dinner party, one table, and I have two people that might never speak to one another again. What am I going to do?”
Bethenny, Carole and Tinsley walk to Bethenny’s investment property. On the way there, she says that she had planned to buy the property with Fredrik Eklund (Million Dollar Listing NY), and it was supposed to be 50/50, but Fredrik didn’t want to go 50/50 in the Hamptons. He didn’t want to jump in, probably because it wasn’t “south of the highway.”
He offered 25/75 but Bethenny was like- f*ck off, I’ll do it alone. She dropped $2,000,000 on an 8-bedroom rental property- she could sell it one day, and it’s a historical home. Which is becoming more and more rare these days. She says that Ramona got her all freaked out. Nobody pushes Bethenny’s buttons like Ramona. And it is life.
Nice. Despite being ON THE HIGHWAY.
The house is lovely. It has a pool, etc.
Dorinda texts Carole and asks her to call her. The 3 girls get on the phone to Dorinda, and she really sounds upset.
She explains that happened with Sonja with relative accuracy. Carole, who has also lost a husband to cancer, sympathizes. She says a death is nothing like a divorce, it’s not like going to the court and signing papers.
On the flip side, Bethenny, who merely wishes her husband was dead, says- that she can understand where Sonja is coming from. Funny, she almost says the same thing as MisRed, but looking at the OTHER side, which MisRed appreciates and alternate POV. Bethenny says, “It can be really bad, and the guy is still walking the earth right now and you have no relationship with him- that’s torture.” Yeah, well Bethenny has to, practically, sleep with one eye open with her crazy ex.
Dorinda says that she almost hit Sonja. Violence isn’t the answer. But sometimes it feels SO GOOD.
Sign MisRed up for an “I Slapped Sonja Morgan” shirt
Over at Ramona’s pile of bricks, Dorinda comments that she really likes Ramona’s bathroom. Ramona goes on a tangent “When I met with my broker, I said -I’m a maven and I really want a LARGE bathroom so that when Merrrrrrrrio’s future mistress sneaks into the house, she can be hoiding in the bathroom and I won’t even know she’s there. Okaaaaaay? South of the Hoighway, room for a tennis court so that Merrrrrrrrrrio can keep up his physique so that when he leaves me, for someone younger, and quieter, he will be able to keep up with her sexually. Sorry, Sorrrrry, that’s just the way I feel. I won’t buy ON the hoighway, but that’s just me.”
Dorinda is like- You are really stuck on this south-of-the-highway-thing! Ramona goes onto say how she likes assets she can use. To her, having a million dollars in some fund is useless. She would rather have a house that she can use, and rent out for two weeks TAX free… Ramona explains that if you rent for two weeks it’s tax free. She says she is a business woman first. Well, a maven / business woman. She interviews that the ladies really don’t give her enough credit. “I’m not there to be a braggart or to tout my horn, I came from nothing and look what I built.”
Well, maybe Ramona should invest in a dictionary. Maybe she can share one with Sonja because MisRed is sure Sonja can’t afford one on hers.
Say what you want about Ramona. She’s annoying, she’s loud, she treats the help poorly, she’s narcissistic, she’s a blowhard, she’s obnoxious, she’s a maven, she’s constantly being renewed, she drinks three tequilas at a time, she speaks out of turn, she says inappropriate things… but she did make her own money. Granted, she spent most of it on tacky satin dresses from Ross Dress for Less… but the money was hers.
The girls get ready for the party that is supposed to be in honor of Carole’s winning the marathon. Ramona is bossing Kirk around- he’s a caterer/business friend of Ramona’s. Tinsley and Carole discuss their outfits. Carole is wearing leather shorts with a body suit underneath? In MisRed’s mind, she’s going to look like Freddy Mercury, but she’s sure Carole will pull it off.
Carole’s inspiration…in MisRed’s mind
After all, she brought “high fashion” to the Hamptons.
Carole says, “I hope I don’t look crazy.” Cut to Ramona looking, absolutely, crazy. It was very difficult to capture the FULL view on this dress. It looked like a nursery school’s art project.
Avery made this for me when she was 3.
Carole, honey, nobody is even going to notice you, not with Dorinda there… on booze and on the warpath.
Dorinda hangs with Kirk in the kitchen. She thinks Ramona likes Kirk.
Ah, yes, MisRed liked a boy named Kirk once. He was a Bible Thumper. He liked a girl named Debbie who wore plastic parachute pants. Twasn’t meant to be. Who can compete with plastic parachute pants?
Ramona’s guests begin to arrive. Ramona advises two guests that this particular group of ladies can get a little heated. She begins to tell the story of what happened and is like “And then DORINDA…” and then suddenly Dorinda is RIGHT behind her.
She’s right behind me, isn’t she?
John, the shiny dry cleaner, arrives. Carole and Tinsley arrive. Tinsley is like- I thought this was supposed to be a party for Carole, but it’s all Ramona’s friends. Carole is in her see-thru body suit- and John immediately is trying to, like, see-thru it.
Bethenny arrives and sees Carole’s outfit and is like “WHOA.”
Meanwhile, Bethenny looks like she got into a bar fight with a howler monkey.
Carole thinks everyone is digging her Tattoo Body Suit and it’s a “major fashion moment.”
Not every “major fashion moment” is a good one.
Bjork was strangled by Hanky immediately after this photo was taken.
John is introduced to Dennis- Bethenny’s on-again / off-again boyfriend. Dennis thinks he has met John before, saying they hung out at a bar together. John is like “Must have been a great night.”
Yeah, I was probably there without Dorinda!
Bethenny isn’t nervous bringing Dennis into this group. She has warned him, fully, that this group is like a tinder box. He’s just there to bear witness so that when Andy Sipowicz, Lenny Briscoe and Ricky Schroeder show up… he can tell what went down. Bethenny says that she and Dennis have a very independent relationship. They both have crazy schedules, so they are fine just doing what they are doing, and they don’t really need to define it beyond that. Dorinda thinks that Dennis is very calming- which is probably good for Bethenny.
Yeah, MrRed is the same. He mellows MisRed out a little – yes, this is the mellowed out version of MisRed- and MisRed, kind of, livens him up a little.
Luanne, in Braids a la francaise, arrives with Sonja.
Dorinda is like- oh god it’s here. Carole says, “She looks normal from the outside.” Most people do. Most people do.
The exception… thus proving the theory.
Sonja says that she isn’t worried about the Dorinda situation because she has plenty of other friends in the Hamptons.
Yes. So many so that she had to take the Jitney out there and stay with LuAnn.
Bethenny is like WTF? She says “Did we all go through the Midtown Tunnel and take ACID!?!?”
She is like “What the f*ck is LuAnn wearing? What the f*ck is Caorole wearing? What the f*ck is Ramona wearing? What the f*ck am I wearing? Sonja looks like half a whore, but she’s the best of all of us.”
Sonja looks like she blew Kermit the Frog while he was performing at Cesar’s Palace.
Bethenny approaches Sonja and is like “You are the most underdressed person here.” Just wait until later when LuAnn has to play “snatch guard” for Sonja again.
It takes a Line Backer to guard Sonia’s snatch, and LuMan is the closest thing we’ve got.
Of course, Sonja’s outfit belongs to LuAnn- and Sonja says she just rolled out of bed and she’s been teared up all day. She says she had a good cry. Bethenny is like “Whaz da mattah?” Sonja says that Dorinda had one of her “boozy brunches” today. Bethenny is like- what happened. Sonja tells the story- of course, portraying herself as the helpless victim. Sonja wishes Bethenny had been at the brunch because Bethenny would have stood up for her- unlike RAMONA.
Ramona comes over and is like “I didn’t throw her under the bus.” Sonja says that Ramona could have just said “You are both suffering a loss.”
Sonja has been divorced for LONGER than she was married. The moving on process should be WELL underway here.
Ramona says that Sonja should have apologized, and that Sonja was going on and on about how her divorce was like a death. Sonja denies saying this.
I never said it was like a death.
Eh, close enough.
Across the room, Tinsley asks Dorinda what is going on and why there is so much yelling on the other side of the room? Tinsley doesn’t want to be involved, but Dorinda wants her to jump in! Dorinda interviews that she’s trying to stir the pot between Tinsley and Sonja.
Stir Stir Stir
Which is terrible and wonderful at the same time. Tinsley has every right to be upset if Sonja is talking about her behind her back, planting lies in the press, etc.
Just rip right through
Ramona says that she is learning that when she hurts someone’s feelings she “just has to stop and move on.” Ok, what, exactly, does that do? You know what else lives by this SOP? A TORNADO.
Sonja maintains that she wasn’t comparing her pain to anyone else’s.
The food is served- buffet style, which Carole, for some reason, finds distasteful. Carole is still confused how this party is for her and upset that there is no memorabilia about the marathon.
There’s nobody outside selling commemorative maps and no one has bronzed my running shoes….
What does Carole want? The Vodka to be filtered through her smelly running shorts?
Ramona makes a toast- she thanks everyone for coming.
The classy Lady Morgan chewing with her mouth open during the toast.
She says they are so proud of Carole, who never worked out a day in her life- to have run the marathon. Ramona says that she works out all the time, but she would be too scared to run the marathon. Bethenny is like- well, now you should do it. Ramona is like- I’ll do it if you do it.
Bethenny responds- “If I had to run beside you for 26.2 miles, I’d rather impale myself with this knife.” Word.
Dorinda asks Dennis when he lost his hair? “Richard lost his in High School.” He says that on a golf bet the losing team had to shave their heads. He lost, shaved his head and it never grew back. Dorinda says she LOVES a bald man.
This rug is genuine naugahyde
Cut to John with his greasy comb-over. And you KNOW he is like a 70’s shag rug under those clothes.
Bethenny notes that Dorinda DOES mention Richard A LOT. We get a few flashbacks. Bethenny explains that she doesn’t know why they let Dorinda get away with it, but they don’t let Sonja get away with it. She also says that Sonja doesn’t really talk about her ex specifically, but more about the lifestyle and the townhouse, etc.
Lu pipes up “So, Dennis, how long have you two known each other?” Dennis says they met in 1988. “And where did you meet?” Tinsley says LuAnn already knows how they met. Lu is like “No I don’t know.”
Doesn’t ring a bell, LuAnn?
Bethenny says “Well you ASSUME you knew.”
We all know you are a married whore who whores herself out to married men. Speaking of married men… can you believe it? I’m getting married!!!!
Flashback to 2016 Reunion with Lu spewing “Everybody knows that you’re going out with a married man. And I know this has been going on for a long time, so as much as you want to say that he’s separated, you’re separated… that is not eh case. That’s a lie and you are a hypocrite.”
Back to the present- or last November or whenever this trainwreck was shot- Lu says “No, I really don’t know.”
Carole chimes in “Yeah you did. You said that they had met and started an affair when he was married. Is this all new to you??”
Lu is like… Ohhhhh.
Ohhhhh. Can you believe it girls? I stuck my size 13 Foot in my size 24 Mouth!
Bethenny says “That’s the guy. This is the one. You are sitting across from him.”
Cut directly to Dorinda’s interview, and she is laughing so hard that she cannot even speak.
Bethenny continues, “Well you could apologize to him…” Lu is like – For what? “For saying something that wasn’t true. That was a lie.”
Lu gives a quarter-hearted (if that), “Sorry Dennis.” Dennis just shakes his head, laughing and thanks her.
Loosen those braids Lu, your brain needs some air.
LuAnn’s talking head- she says I was simply making pleasantries and being nice. I was making conversation. Nothing to get all up in arms about.” BAHAHAHAHAHAH OH, Countess, you are so dumb.
Ramona excuses herself and says to Lu “Don’t let anything happen without me.”
Lu leans over and checks in on Sonja, who says that she is having fun with the people at her end of the table. But she interviews “ Here I am at the END of the table, when Dorinda MEDDLER, is RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE of the table when she’s the one that was stirring the pot and I’m being quarantined on the corner. Thank God I have friends in the Hamptons.”
Ok, this statement is 100% inaccurate. Dorinda is the END of the table with Carole and Sonja is sitting right next to Ramona. Or next to Kirk. Who is, technically, caught in Ramona’s web. AND it’s the other ladies don’t want to sit with Sonja because she either has blown them off or has told lies about them.
AND what friends does she have in the Hamptons???
STOP TRYING TO MAKE “OTHER FRIENDS IN THE HAMPTONS” HAPPEN!
Sonja, speaking to the people on HER end of the table, says, “Rocco kind of grows on me.” Like a wart? “Here’s the thing. If I go with Rocco, you have to buy the farm, ‘cause he is talking serious.” Lu is like – Are we talking about Rocco- OLD Rocco?
Dorinda interjects “There is no Rocco, Sonja…”.
Ramona swoops in like Caesar Milan “Shh Shh Shh.”
Shut-up. Kirk is going to think that I am not a sane, normal woman. Stop. Okaaaaay??
Dorinda says, “You’re not dating Rocco, honey.” Sonja is like- Oh really? Okay.
Back to Sonja’s interview “Here we go again, people throwing ACCUSATIONS at me about my personal life, which they have no idea what really is going on.”
Just want to make sure we are all on the same sheet of music. This is, in fact, the first time this “accusation” sitch happened, right? MisRed doesn’t recall any other accusation being thrown at Sonja. Oh well, maybe that Sonja cheated on her ex-husband. Bahaha, how quickly MisRed forgets. In fairness, that accusation was tossed at 3am this morning and it’s now 7:32. Yes, yes, MisRed has recapped 24 and a half minutes of this show in a mere 4.5 hours. Hey! Rome wasn’t built in a day, People.
Dorinda keeps saying “You’re not dating Rocco.” Ramona is like- COUNT TO TEN, COUNT TO TEN.
Dorinda goes “10, 9, 8, 7, 6 You’re not dating Rocco, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 You’re not dating Rocco.” Then… wait for it…
“Liar liar Ho on Fire!” Put that on a T-shirt. MisRed is Venmo-ing the money riiiiiiiight now.
Sonja says – I don’t lie.
That’s a lie.
Ohhhhh no. Tinsley’s head WHIPS around. And this is the conversation:
Tinsley: You don’t lie? You don’t lie? YOU LIE ALL THE TIME!!
Sonja: Talking about you isn’t lying.
Tinsley: Talking about me is not lying? (need to work on those snappy come-backs, Tins)
Sonja: Who’s the liar here?
Tinsley: Don’t say my boyfriend is paying for me for everything. I’m not even WITH him right now.
Sonja: She’s lying.
Tinsley: No, you’re lying.
Tinsley: DON’T TALK ABOUT ME!!
Dorit- her batteries are running low- so she’s a little slurry: “So do you believe that she bought you the $5,000 gift card from Bergdorf Goodman.” (Which, BTW, Sonja could buy, like a pair of panties and one sock for $5k at Bergdorf’s.)
Sonja: I don’t think so.
Dorit: She did. There you go.
Tinsley: You do not. Why?
Tinsley interviews- It is so disgusting to me. First of all, it’s a present. You know, you take a present and you don’t really need to ask where it came from. But besides that, to imply that—what? I can’t afford it? She’s ungrateful.”
Back to the pit:
Tinsley: You know what? I’m going to pay you—what is it? So what do you think? $2,000 times four—” That’s $8,000 for those playing at home… double-check MisRed’s math.
Sonja: Maybe you paid with a credit card in your name—
Tinsley: $8,000, I’m going to write a check.
Sonja- Who gave you the money? Mommy? Scottie?
Lol, as if Sonja is self-made.
Carole: Sonja, why do you keep saying that?
Tinsley: SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND SHUT YOUR F*CKING LEGS!!
Technically, closing her legs COULD put out the Ho Fire. You know, cutting off the oxygen flow and all…
Dorinda interviews “I said to speak up. I didn’t say to lose your sh*t.” Dorinda laughs hysterically. Tinsley goes to the wait staff and ask for a pen.
Bethenny taps her glass with her fork and says “Listen, Listen.” Ramona is all like – Don’t ruin my glass. “I’ll replace it. We have to go back to the f*cking 70s to find this glass.” Oh dear. Ramona whimpers. “It’s antique. It’s gold.”
Bethenny says, she donated a lot of money to my charity. It did not come from Scott.
Sonja asks “Where did the money come from? Who cares where it came from?”
Bethenny is like- You just answered your own question. Bethenny, in her talking head says that it’s hard to defend Sonja as she is imploding.
Sonja says this: “The bug up my butt is Connor, who waited on her hand and foot…” Tinsley slaps a check down in front of Sonja. “Came to my birthday party that Edgar threw. No gift.”
Bethenny picks up a sea shell – that was a decoration on her place setting- put it to her ear and says “Hang on Sonja, I have another call.” LOL
Ok, that didn’t even make sense. Sonja, expressly told Tinsley that Connor was NOT to do anything for Tinsley- INCLUDING, open the door, when the doorbells rings with a delivery. If it was a delivery for Sonja, he could accept it, but if it was for Tinsley he was not to accept it. So… he was supposed to slam the door in the person’s face? If Sonja has an issue with the way Connor was treated, maybe she should have PAID HIM.
Also…. it’s f*cking TACKY to mention the lack of a gift. One would think a LEGACY, Lady Morgan, would KNOW this. Also… you are 75 years old, why do you need gifts? Well, she could use a new ice maker…
Sonja throws the check back at Tinsley saying “I don’t want your money. I want your love.” Well, you have a very strange way of going about it, Sonja.
We don’t need no water let the muthaf*cker BURN
Bethenny lights the check on fire and jokes “Scott will not be able to sleep tonight not knowing where the check is.” Bethenny places the burning check on a charger. Ramona is worried that her $12 plate charger from Target is going to get ruined. And she tells everyone to stop- and tells Sonja that sh told her to just apologize. “When someone is upset, just say Sorry. Whether it’s right or wrong.” Lol Ramona. Sonja thinks it makes her sound like a fake apologizer. She’s right.
How about not saying, stupid, hurtful sh*t in the first place? That’s rich coming from MisRed isn’t it? MisRed is NOTHING if not a total hypocrite.
Sonja- in a different interview look, albeit just as tragic- says that Ramona just wants to put a Band Aid on the situation to have it go away. Hey, that’s a big improvement from the old Ramona, who would just scorch the Earth and be like “What happened?” She thinks that Ramona puts up a wall that indicates that she doesn’t want to get involved with the argument- it’s too dirty. It’s too much.
What’s wrong with that? What’s wrong with staying out of fights that aren’t your fight? What’s wrong with managing the things you can control- like not involving yourself in arguments that do not involve you.
What this all boils down to is: Sonja is jealous of Tinsley. Whether Scott is paying her bills, or her parents or Carrot Top- we don’t know, and it’s not our business. Frankly, if Carrot Top IS paying her bills… that would really be something, wouldn’t it? Regardless of the Carrot Top subsidy question… Sonja wants someone to pay her bills. Listen, MisRed would like that too, but that is not the current situation, so she is making the friggin’ best of it.
Ramona takes the opportunity to drape her tentacle over Kirk’s shoulder and apologize for her friends’ behavior. A cake comes out for Carole.
Carole interviews “The cake… was a nice try. As far as giving me a themed party to celebrate my marathon run… I’ve got to give her an F on that.” Ungrateful, much?
Sonja asks to speak to Dorinda alone. Dorinda fears talking to Sonja alone because she never sticks to the topic and it’s frustrating. Sonja preaches that they both have suffered this great loss and it’s not going to go away. Sonja is crying or like, pretending to cry… Dorinda says she doesn’t want to be the person who makes anyone cry. Dorinda tells Sonja that she needs to let go of her ex. Sonja says that she has let go. Well yes, he’s no longer being held a prisoner in her some, chained to a 55 gallon drum of Wesson Oil in the basement. Dorinda says she needs to let go MORE. Sonja interviews that what she and her ex had was so beautiful and special and she doesn’t want to let go of that memory, so that’s why she says it’s like he died.
But, didn’t she say she didn’t say that. Did you guys follow that?
Plus- THAT’S THE VERY DEFINITION OF A MEMORY!!!!! A memory is a recollection of the past. No one is asking for Sonja to lose that memory. Unless someone invents “Memory Bankrupcy,” then Sonja is REALLY going to be in trouble. She’ll be like- “I’ll surrender Updo and Smokey Eye, but JohnJohn and P-Diddy on the Yacht in Cannes is strictly OFF LIMITS. ” But she can’t keep living as if it happened 15 minutes ago and /or that the outcome will, somehow be different if she keeps revisiting it.
Not for nothing, but if it was THAT beautiful, you would still be together. Perhaps, Sonja doesn’t remember the situation or didn’t read the situation clearly. It wouldn’t, exactly, be the first time Sonja has been delusional and not based in actual reality. Toaster Oven, Fashion Line, Gstaad, Updo, JohnJohnKennedy, Nigerian Football Team, Caburlesque, Being Sober, No hot water or heat, Tom D’Agostino, Brown Ice. The list goes on and on.
Sonja tells Dorinda that she was having an “off day.” Sonja’s life is one long “off day.” Sonja blames it not being on her anti-depressant and her juicing and her not being on hormones… or the Blackberry stuck in her toilet. Dorinda wonder if Sonja is explaining or trying to justify all of these things to herself and Sonja goes on and on and on Dorinda could walk away and come back 20 minutes later and Sonja would still be explaining.
The next day, Ramona and Dorinda chat. Apparently, John wanted to stay over but Dorinda didn’t want him to, but Ramona was like “Sure stay over.” Ramona remarks about how amazing it is that she used to hate John and now she is close to him. She really thinks he has a warm heart and he really loves Dorinda. MisRed can see that. Some people have to just glom onto you until they stick. We get some flashbacks of John saying Ramona is full of shit. OHHHHHH and Rey is there- RUDE RUDE.
Give Rey an Apple, MisRed says. TRASH. TRASH. He would fit right in.
Dorinda says her relationship with John is ok. She feels she’s grown a lot and wants to grow further but feels tense with him all the time. Like maybe he’s an albatross?
Ramona asks Dorinda how the night wound up with Sonja- she saw them talking- but Ramona doesn’t want to get involved. She just wants to know all of the poop. Dorinda interviews – she really can’t and doesn’t want to deal with Sonja anymore. She feels like she isn’t making any headway with her and it’s just an exercise in frustration. Net/Net she doesn’t want to be involved with her anymore.
Get a load of this…
So… Sonja sent old Ramones, a text. This is it. MisRed may interject periodically – in italics.
You’re a bitch, Ramona. Well, yes.
You never ever stand up for me. Why does a friend need to BLINDLY stand up for a friend? Sounds like Dorit.
You cannot compare each other’s pain. Period. You could’ve cleared it up because you know the truth. The only people that know the truth are Sonja and the ex-husband. And even then, the truth can get diluted.
You know I never cheated on my husband. Does Ramona know this?
I loved him but then could not stay with him. Why? MisRed has read some rumors- there was a new wife shortly after he dumped Sonja. Maybe he was cheating? There are rumors about some kind of “accident” as well. What, like, he accidently fell, and his penis went into his mistress?
It was extremely difficult on me, and you did nothing to defuse it at brunch as usual. How could Ramona have diffused it- frankly, she DID try to defuse it by telling Sonja to apologize. She just didn’t try to defuse it in the way Sonja wanted.
Dorinda says that she’s been divorced for 12 years and it’s as if she has a present-day grief about something that isn’t even remotely a part of her life. She says Sonja acts like her husband’s stuff is still at her house. Dorinda says that, when Richard died, she didn’t try to maintain the fantasy. She had a great marriage, but he died, and the marriage is no more. She wants to live TODAY.
Sonja’s text continues. Oh boy:
You have no limits.
Friendship means nothing to you. Hate to say it but Ramona has TONS of friends. Trust MisRed, it’s a stumper to her as well.
You need help. Let’s face it, all of these betches belong in HEAVY therapy 5-7 times per week is MisRed’s estimate. I waste my time bonding with you. You are an unfeeling P.O.S.” Have we determined that sh*t does not, in fact, have feelings? There has to be some group that believes that. Poo-terians or something?
Ramona says that she’s not going to say she’s done with Sonja, but she feels like she can’t relate to Sonja anymore or understand what she’s talking about. She doesn’t listen. Ramona’s ass is chapped, also, because she doesn’t like when people hide behind texts or emails.
Dorinda says that she wrote it and then CHOSE to press SEND. MisRed agrees. You know how many texts or emails MisRed has written, and not sent? Sometimes it helps to just get all of the JUNK out and then you can think clearly. A text like this can’t be UNSENT. If you are face to face and have an argument- well sometimes you might blurt out something without thinking etc. But to write it out you have to THINK about it, at least to some degree.
Dorinda says – it’s that old saying – Say it, Forget it. Write it, regret it.” Yasssssss that’s called EVIDENCE.
Carole and Tinsley have a bloody and discuss Ramona’s party. They say there was a LOT going on. Tinsley can’t deal with Sonja talking about it, but also this Sonja is very different from the Sonja that Tinsley knows. Sonja used to be a lot more fun and light-hearted, more vibrant. This Sonja is depressed and dark and she doesn’t know how to turn that around. Tinsley screaming at Sonja is completely out of character for her.
I guess the girls are all meeting for lunch and Carole and Tinsley are trying to figure out the seating- for safety reasons. Maybe they should seat Sonja on the Jitney?
Sonja just wants to get back on the Jitney and be home before dark, but she simply CAN’T say no to an expensive brunch at Topping Rose. Oh, so someone else is paying. Got it.
Sonja enters and is, again, aggravated to find her place card at the END of the table.
Consider yourself lucky- THIS was the original seating plan.
Why does Sonja never ask herself WHY this happens over and over? Maybe the girls think you have excellent hearing or very broad shoulders or body odor or they are ashamed to be seen with you or are only filming with you because of the contract or you’ve changed and have lost touch and have been planting stories in the press about them.
Just a few items to consider.
If MisRed was constantly being left out of things, she might consider the potential reasons why? And she wouldn’t just blame everyone else, although surely anyone who shuns MisRed is the one with this issue, she might reflect upon herself and her own shortcomings.
What the ACTUAL f*ck is with this seating…
Ramona arrives and looks like something the cat vomited up. And… Ramona is seated directly across from Sonja. Ramona is like… what are the odds. Well, there are only 7 of you so, the odds are decent. And MisRed is SURE the producers had NOTHING to do with the seating arrangement. They HATE to maximize the potential for fireworks. HATE IT.
Ramona is like- “Especially after the way she ended the text- POS. Which I now realize means: Piece Of Sh*t.” Nothing gets by Ramona. Seriously, what did Ramona THINK it stood for? Petals of Sunshine? Patty O’Shea? Pelicans On Shore? Prance On Sand? Person Of Substance?
Sonja says (in her talking head) the text was about how Sonja has always protected Ramona’s family. This is about her family and now Ramona wasn’t there for her, so Sonja is done. She goes on to say “I’ve benched her before. It doesn’t work. This is the Kiss of Death. Hasta la vista.”
Ramona whispers in Carole’s ear that Sonja sent her a text the previous night, she doesn’t want to talk about it, but she can’t deal with Sonja today. Before the food comes, Ramona plans to move her seat. She, literally, plans to pick up her chair and move it to the other end of the table.
That won’t be weird at all.
Carole says that when she did the seating, she thought she did a good job, but now that there’s tension between, everyone and Sonja, it was an ill-conceived plan. Carole tells Ramona that when she moves, it’s going to open the door to a conversation because it’s not, exactly, a NORMAL thing to do.
Sonja says that her text worked! Ramona doesn’t want to fight with Sonja over this because Ramona “knows she’s a loser. She knows she f*cked up, so she’ll just move to the other end of the table and suck up and manipulate and do whatever she thinks is going to look good in front of the group.”
Because this is a good look…
Bethenny can’t just- like- play along. She says, “Why don’t we all just crowd down onto one table? Huh? Sonja on the end alone.” Bethenny doesn’t know what’s going on, but she is now aware that something happened, and Ramona is off Sonja’s island.
LuAnn tells Ramona she is rude for not sitting across from Sonja.
Bethenny says she’s not on anyone’s team, but Ramona should be a civilized human being and don’t leave somebody out at the end of the table, makes her feel bad. Carole asks Sonja what happened. Sonja says that Ramona could have cleared everything up when she and Dorinda had a “miscommunication.” But she didn’t and instead said “We’re not that close.”
Ok, not exactly how it happened, but MisRed, unlike Bethenny, will play along.
YOU DON’T LISTEN!!!! TAKE A XANAX!!! CALM DOWN!!!
Ramona asks Sonja when she will begin to LISTEN. She won’t. So don’t bother. Ramona doesn’t understand what happened to the old Sonja. She isn’t acting like a friend and Ramona thinks that Sonja makes no sense.
Sonja says, “I show up to parties and I’m the fun one and then I go into the trenches, you know?” Uh, no. What trenches? Is Sonja single-handedly building the 2nd Ave Subway line or something? Is that an outdated reference, MisRed doesn’t live near NYC anymore.
Lu and Carole say that Sonja is losing the fun and now she’s just mean. Sonja is like- I keep telling you I’m not doing anything!
Well, yes, just because you keep saying it, doesn’t make it true.
Sonja continues “I told all of you guys that I lost everything to the movie deal…”.
Bethenny is like- Nope. That was a long time ago- you gotta get current. Bethenny thinks Sonja needs to pick her battles, but instead she takes them all on, can’t handle it and implodes. Then she says, “I don’t think Sonja can access what’s really bothering her.” EXCELLENT POINT.
Say what you want about Bethenny, but she is, pretty, self-aware. She knows she is hard and tough, and is a tough nut to crack, but she can also be incredibly kind and giving. For someone who grew up with two sh*tty parents, and one half-sh*tty step parent, she, actually, turned out ok. She knows she’s not easy and not everyone’s cup of tea. But she does speak the truth, more-so than a lot of these hags and MisRed respects that.
Sonja says that the ladies are so judgmental. “Who brings up Rocco and what I’m doing with him.” Um, well, you did Sonja, you brought up Rocco.
Bahahah and then they are all like- YOU BROUGHT UP ROCCO. Lu is like, here we go again. Ramona says that it’s not worth the effort to speak to Sonja because nothing penetrates… except every penis over the age of 21 in NYC penetrating Sonja’s V… Sonja only listens to herself.
Tinsley says, “you are like a broken record.” Which is NOT a new sentiment.
Sonja tells her to stay out of it and that Tinsley doesn’t know sh*t. She knew enough to get the f*ck out of Casa Dilapidation prontissimo. So, she does know some stuff.
Sonja interviews- what is she Cersei from Game of Thrones walking naked down the street? Hell, Sonja is practically naked in the street. Check her block any night between 3am and 5am and you will see Sonja stumbling, half-dressed, down the street doing “a victory lap” as she calls it.
Next week. Apparently, the real Ramona was rescued from the chest in Dumbledore’s office.
Next week, Sonja continues to rail against Ramona. And Tommy D’Ag’s ex, Missy shows up. Oh good, maybe she and Lu can compare blood test results. You have Hep C? Good, me too, IT’S A MATCH!!!! The Crabs? Yes! Me too, I love seafood!!!!
Dear God in Heaven… someone needs to pump the brakes with these betches. It’s CRAY. What do you guys think? Does Sonja need to be institutionalized? Does Dorinda? Does LuAnn… a la francaise, of course. Oh wait, Lu goes to the Grey Rock hotel- bargain basement institution. Wait. Wait. Imagine Dorinda on 60 Days In? Will MisRed be institutionalized by the end of the season?
You guys know MisRed is a slave to your comments. Hit me up! Let’s rip these kooks to shreds!!! xoxoxxo
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