Welcome back to The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Hagchella Part 2! It’s like the real Coachella, but Sia doesn’t show up dressed like a black and white cookie to give Yolanda Lymeabetes.
Yolanda has just stormed into Andy Cohen’s dressing room to fake cry. She won’t last long in there. You know it smells like Pomade, tic tacs and butt.
It might look like Yo has the worst luck ever. Failed marriages, an invisible unprovable disease with no defined ribbon color for the Oscars red carpet,… that dress. Personally, I think she hit the lottery. She’s hot, she has zero discernible talent to worry about fading, and she’s still rich as fuck. More importantly, she has a really really good friend. No, I’m not talking about the maid she named Blanca to match her White Jeans of Doom. I mean Daisy the High Priced Ho Nurse. Yes, two hundred dollars an hour seems like a good check to muster up some tears for, but the heifers on the couch make way more than that and they can’t do it.
I’ll spray the spider with Raid for an extra hundred.
Erika’s in the dressing room too, looking around bored and dead eyed. She’s uncomfortable being friends with a woman who goes to her room without being yelled at to do so by her old man life fartner, but she’s got enough ho-nor to stick around. It’s the first show she’s been on that’s been filmed by actual camera men and not some pay for gay with a flip phone and muppet eyebrows, so she can at least pay Yo back with some background work.
Meanwhile, back on the stage, Rinna is yelling “OWN IT!” over and over again while Vanderpump groans and talks about owning too many things already. Dahling, I’m too exhausted to build a new closet and Rocio can only take so many hand me downs a month or she’ll have enough to sell on ebay for a plane ticket back home.
I SAID IT! Rinna is still repeating herself. I SAID IT! I DID IT! I SAID IT! I put it out into the Zeitgeist and it became a word. I OWN IT!
Who’s gonna be the sucker to tell Rinna that she didn’t invent the word Munchausen? Sure as shit isn’t gonna be me. She stands up and walks off, repeating OWN IT over and over again like a crazy person, but she can’t trump Yo’s Boss Hideout, so she just stands by a cameraman yelling at Vanderpump, who looks tempted to ask Rinna for a water refill while she’s up.
Andy looks confused. He always looks confused, though. It’s his resting face. He looks around to see if anyone’s gonna do anything about any of this and wonders if he has time to pee. Eileen senses his confusion and reminds him why he’s supposed to be furious with Vanderpump. “We’re talking about the little pushes people gave Rinna.” Eileen’s logic amazes me. She probably blames the last decade of people saying “That’s the BOMB” for the formation of ISIS.
Rinna yells that she’s known Vanderpump a long time and “I know how you ARE!” Vanderpump shrugs. “I still didn’t say the word Munchausen.”
Rinna: “YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO!”
LOLZ. So wait, now Vanderpump didn’t even tell you to say Munchies? WOMAN! Listen to yourself! If you’re gonna go against someone for no reason, at least remember the fake reason. I would find the clip of Rinna yelling last week over and over that V called her up and told her to say Munchies, but I’ll just assume you’re not all as stupid as these people think you are. This is hilariously ridiculous.
Before Rinna can take the blame for shooting Reagan for Lisa Vanderpump, Yolanda is back, still trying to scrunch her face and cry. Lazy ho. Couldn’t even be bothered to take some of Daisy’s tears and wipe them on your face.
Andy, not feeling an ounce of Yolanda’s shit, doesn’t even bother with the Kleenex. “Welcome back. Which Lisa do you believe?” It’s a tough question. Yo hates Vanderpump, but Rinna just confessed yet again that she’s been lying her face off. One thing we can always depend on, though, is Yolanda answering any question with the least amount of logic.
“I dunno. Eed’s hard. I lost my gumpass.” Explains how she ended up in the wrong dressing room. Did someone delete Google Maps off this idiot’s iPhone? After all these hours, we find out the real villain is Siri.
Yo want to believe da Vanderpumpeds…Vanderpump verbally pats Yo’s head. “I was wrong to doubt you. Totally.” No you weren’t. Still fun hearing you own it though while Rinna and Eileen shake their heads angrily waiting for you to own it.
It’s not enough for Yolanda. She pulls a Rinna and blankets Vanderpump in Amazon Verified Purchase Review compliments. “Yoo are da beayooteeful! Yoo are da gracefullest! YOU AMAZEEN I GEEV FOURDEEN SDARZ” before going in. She tells V that over da jeerz, we have seen da maneepulade to mage good TV, BUD YOU CAN’D RUN OVER DA DEAD BODIES.”
Eileen and Rinna nod furiously. What the holy frick is this idiot babbling on about now? Vanderpump doesn’t deny and doesn’t fight. She just nods in support of this looney toon. Rinna already said that she alone brought up Munchies TWICE and that Vanderpump never even said the word, so V just keeps her trap shut. Andy asks Yo “So you don’t believe her?” Even though she’s just been vindicated again?
Eileen presses the zapper in her palm and shocks Rinna into action. Rinna starts repeating OWN IT and brings up that stupid “There goes our storyline” moment again. Vanderpump groans “Oh please you two!” No one heard Vanderpump ever say that, even though she was on camera and mic’d. Eileen doesn’t care. “Rinna called me the next day and told me.” There’s your proof, guys. Case closed.
Rinna is pacing around the stage yelling at no one now like a meth head at a bus stop. Vanderpump, again, says she told Rinna to speak her own truth.” OWN IT OWN IT OWN IT OWN IT Vanderpump: “I don’t understand what you’re saying.” LOL.
Eileen does a terrible impersonation of LVP. “Be true to yourself, darling. SUCH BS.” She rolls her eyes as if she just made a great point. HOW DARE YOU SAY BE TRUE TO YOURSELF!??
The real manipulator: Shakespeare.
Andy brings up Mohammed getting mad at Vanderpump for saying Yo’s kids Da Udda One and Da Udda Udda One don’t have Lyme. Vanderpump says that when she asked about the kids, MoHam said “They’re fine” because he didn’t want everyone to know. Yolanda agrees with this, as MoHam told her that’s what he said. So…you basically cried and had a fit and showed up to lunch with a Proof Trapper Keeper and called everyone monsters even when you KNEW that he had said that? Yolanda is a really fucking terrible human being.
Not seeing anything she’s done wrong and having no one to call her out on it, she keeps on Vanderpump. MoHam was so da madz about eet eet ruined da friendjip right? Excited. Andy tries on sad face. So the friendship with MoHam is over? Vanderpump sighs. Nope. He got over it and they’re still friends.
So…Yolanda’s blatantly lying yet again and no one is calling her out on it. Jesus Christ. I know Andy’s not Barbara Walters, but I’d settle for weatherman skill here. Bitch can’t even tell you what’s happening when it’s on a screen right in front of him.
Kyle is lightly grilled about the kid thing, even though she brought it up over and over again and tried making everyone else talk about it over and over again. Everyone feels sorry for her terrible outfit and lets it go. Talk about a chronic disease. At least Yolanda’s is invisible.
What about Erika running to Yolanda to tattle about the Munchies talk and then denying it? Rinna laughs about calling Erika a pussy and a liar (which she was right about). “Well, I was getting blamed for it.” Yes Rinna because you were to blame. Rinna is off her rocker, and I seriously fucking love her right now. It’s hilarious to me.
Erika says that she was just tired when she denied tattling to Yolanda. When she realized a couple days later what was going on that she admitted it to the group. Um…no. You lied about it then told us on camera “I lied. I don’t give a fuck.” Again, no one calls her out. What’s the point of even having Andy there? Does he watch these shows?
Speaking of useless, Rinna is comforting Eileen over all this drama she has zero stake in. Eileen has said maybe two sentences in this entire reunion and she still needs to stfu.
Yolanda sees that this is going nowhere. She faked a disease, everyone apologized to HER, and now Eileen is upset? She snaps them all back to attention by trying to cry again about not being able to find a cure for her lifelong non illness. If you had been to da Lyme Treadment Cender and zaw the babiez wit da Lyme and dare parends sold da houze do pay for da fat freezes, you would be ashameded of joorzelvez!
Oh Yo. You’ve been hospitalized five times for exhaustion in your life and still can’t find a cure. Have you considered caffeine?
Just to clarify for the nine thousandth time. Yolanda Foster was NEVER diagnosed with Lyme disease and hasn’t even been bitten by a tick. She said so herself on Dr Oz. She was “diagnosed” with Chronic Lyme, which is not the same thing. There is only recently a “test” for that disease (which is not recognized by the AMA) and you have to pay a hefty fee to a quack organization to get said “test”. Not doubting that people have real illnesses that are put under the umbrella of Chronic Lyme because doctors can’t diagnose or cure those diseases. Just doubting this chronically lying idiot.
None of that matters, of course. Yo’s singlehandedly turned Chronic Lyme into Lyme in one season, and she’s pretending to cry. If the other ladies don’t pretend to give a shit, they’re heartless. So, they gather round her and watch her attempt at squeezing out some salties. Rinna jumps back off the couch and runs over to her, as if she didn’t cause all this in the first place. If anyone ever wants Rinna dead, put a camera on a train track.
Yolanda can’t move her face, and as she’s said that she doesn’t do botox or fillers for da three jeers, it’s worrisome.
Da Lyme ztole my tearz and paralyzeded my facial muscles.
Could you guys move over so I can have a seat?
Eileen and Kathryn stay on the couch. Eileen tells Kathryn while Yolanda try-cries “I know you don’t believe it, but she was behind it.” BEHIND WHAT YOU FUCKING MORON? Rinna admitted everything already! OMG Eileen just shut. UP.
Yo is still blabbing. I don’d wanna live unda da rock! Who would? He’s huge.
He does have money, though.
Watch out, The Rock. She’s single and ready to mingle. I predict Yolanda’s next disease will be real. Suffocation.
“I have everyteen to be gradefool for! I have three child…Two children dat are on tob of da world!” HAHAHAH!! Poor Udda Udda One. Please get rich so your poor mother can finally heal. Take your posing success on the Red LymeCarpet tour and build it into an empire, my little bird.
It’s time for a pee break. Yolanda’s face completely drops the phony cry pose and people take a break. Rinna sits next to Yo and asks if they can start over while Yolanda looks around for Daisy to carry her to the bathroom.
Kim Twitchards is here! Let’s join her in the mens room. Andy sits on the pot and does a word search while Twitch snorts dustbunnies off the floor. So Monty died of lung cancer. Sorry, Twitch! Jeeze, way to ease her in, Andy. Kathryn is literally falling asleep on the couch.
Clips of Monty being the male twin of Twitch. But how does this make KYLE feel? FF. Clip package of the cast talking shit about Twitch being arrested for stealing from the Target Dollar aisle, kicking a cop, and escaping from rehab. LOL. Twitch had the best season and she wasn’t even a cast member.
Wanna talk about Twitch and Kyle’s shit relationship? Me neither! Twitch is in recovery and she chooses to keep it to herself. Most likely cuz it means she’s doing it with a box of Franzia. I believe in the right to be shit faced so more power to her, I say. Just stay off the roads.
Andy grills her about feeling guilty about being an addict. The Poor People’s Couch (Eileen’s side) declares that they care about Twitch. Rinna shouts “Me too!” Silence and shaking heads. Yolanda says Rinna is a judgment, k? Andy agrees and asks if Rinna takes accountability for saying Kim’s arrest was gross and that she’s dangerous. Rinna explains that she was mad and didn’t have closure with Twitch’s addiction. OMG this woman.
Yolanda says that Twitch wants Rinna to be accountable, and Rinna drops the televangelist act and is instamad again. Why should I take responsibility? I’m not owning the two buck chuck bottles that were NOT RECYCLED, by the way, BABY! Twitch took a drink, it’s her own damn fault! Own your own cheap wine breath, BABY! I want you to be happy and great! I lost my sister to addiction so YAY KIM!
Rinna makes zero sense, and it’s hilarious. Yolanda leans back and asks “Why you no senzitive if you lozt your seester?” Anyone remember how sensitive Yolanda was to Da Udda One after her first DUI (later DUIDL: DUInfulenceofDaLyme)? She wrecked her in a word soup of an email. “Da Udda, you make da disappoint. Deesgusteen drunk vimmens. You can mage da come home when u change da face.”
Rinna is human, you guys! Twitch accepts the apology, but Yolanda doesn’t. You can’d be da judgment! YOU TOO EILEEN! Eileen rolls her eyes. How could Eileen ignore Twitch when she acted like a drunk ass at her home? She tells Yolanda to shut up and Twitch that no one invented her drunk behavior. Twitch says Eileen over-exaggerates every thing and this isn’t a soap opera. “I over-exaggerate EVERYTHING?”, Eileen asks in her over-exaggerated “BEAST?” tone. Andy wants to move on, so let’s talk about Rinna saying Twitch is an addict LOL.
Some lady on a card asks Kathryn why she told people to shut up when they were railing on Twitch’s issues behind her back. Kathryn’s lost people to addiction and should undserstand how addicts affect their family. Kathryn yawns and Twitch thanks her for sticking up for her. Twitch cried when she saw that scene. Yes, it was partly due to accidentally snorting Ajax off a bathroom floor and almost going into seizures, but still. Thanks, hon. Yolanda assures Twitch that Kath has experienced addiction and understands. Rinna keeps herself from yelling about how she’s experienced it too, which makes me proud and disappointed.
Andy asks what the best dollar item Twitch got from the Target is. She can’t answer cuz Spot the Target Dog is still suing her. She can say that this drama all started a couple weeks prior when she had that one drink. LOL. Ah, Twitch. Never accountable and constantly lying. She’s been drunk since filming started, and she’s still drunk. You can tell cuz she can’t stop lying. Fun, now let’s move on. Why did Rinna say ENRAGED about Twitch’s lunch with Yo and Brandi?
Rinna shrugs it off and said it’s just a word. Everyone laughs out loud at Rinna’s sudden ability to let semantics go. Andy calls Rinna Marco Rubio. He could have said any politician, but he chose an anti gay conservative. Snapple. Rinna starts motor mouthing “BIG DEAL?” over and over, pissed that Andy would call her Republican on a gay channel. She’s taking enough shit on the internet without you making Isaac Mizrahi pissed off, dude. She still has to hawk shit in the same studio as him in the middle of nowhere. Not cool.
Yolanda jumps in again as host. Everyone’s judgmental but Twitch will make it through cuz at the end of the day, Tito’s is gluten free. Andy’s like ok then Kim thanks for coming on for your required five minutes of being called an alchie. Bye! Rinna applauds Twitch. CONGRATS, BABY. Not sure for what. Did she just get the ankle bracelet cut off? I’m not even sure how to react to this show right now.
Andy asks Kathryn whether or not she gets confused for Aviva. No one cares. Now let’s talk about the terrible parties this season. No one knows what a barbecue is. They do know, however, that it took four busboys and a crowbar to get Kyle unstuck from the floor at her Old Slags in Saloon Costumes party.
Everyone’s talking about barbecues still. It’s been like ten minutes. Why? I don’t know. Rinna says she’s gonna have a REAL barbecue and then lists all the food items she can remember that people eat. Love that this whole lame segment has become about Rinna insisting she’s not anorexic.
And now on to THE AFFAAAAIR DAHLING! Clips of Vanderpump asking Eileen when her affair started, Eileen being mad that Vanderpump said affair, then Eileen being mad that Vanderpump didn’t say affair during her twelve apologies for making Eileen mad about the word affair. The clip ends with Vanderpump telling the girls that she only apologized a ninetieth time for hurting Eileen, but not for what she said.
Eileen is vindicated! She knew the apology was bullshit! Vanderpump’s questions about her affair came out of nowhere! Actually, hon, they came from you saying “I’ve been married three times. I met Vinnie on the set of my show while we were both still married.” “How did the affair start?” WOAH. THIS IS HUGE! How DARE SHE?
Eileen finally has something to say about a storyline involving herself, and she’s thrilled. She tells Vanderpump “You’re smart. You’re calculated. Nothing comes out of your mouth flippantly.” You know you’ve spent this entire season saying Vanderpump is flippant and unfeeling, right? Pause. Vanderpump says “DAHLING, we were talking for an hour…”Can I finish my point?” We all thought you were done. Please. Go on.
When Eileen came to Vanderpump about THE AFFAIR, Vanderpump just iced over like she was confused. Vanderpump nods. “I was confused. I didn’t know what you were talking about because it was two days later dahling.”
Eileen shakes her head. Vanderpump found the anger confusing because having an affair and marrying someone else isn’t a big deal. They’re in Beverly Hills for chrissakes. It’s how this works. Eileen is still super angry. “You’re missing the point.”
OK, what is it? Andy asks Vanderpump why she thinks Eileen is mad. Cuz I said affair, dahling. NO! Eileen snaps. It’s not anything to do with the affair! It’s that you dismissed my feelings! Vanderpump wonders how saying “I’m sorry I upset you” is dismissing someone’s feelings, so Eileen adds “And I don’t trust you.” Oooh burn. Why the fuck would anyone care who you trust, Eileen? Vanderpump just stares off into space. Andy asks why Eileen didn’t just say right there in the moment that Vanderpump was dismissing her feelings and Eileen says it’s cuz she was taken aback.
Vanderpump didn’t even know what Eileen was mad about, so she was taken aback too. “Well, whatever.” Eileen is so bad at this she couldn’t even play a damn lawyer in daytime. Eileen just came to talk to Vanderpump about it in the first place to be nice and then Vanderpump acted like it was some kind of confrontation. Oh, Eileen. You woke up in the Hamptons that morning and went to Rinna to ask if you should CONFRONT Vanderpump about your feewings, then you worked up the courage to do it. It was literally a confrontation. What other word would you use?
She stays on Vanderpump’s bored ass. “You act like everything’s a confrontation.” Can anyone remember a scene with Eileen that wasn’t about confronting Vanderpump about something? Please just name one. It hasn’t happened. But why did Vanderpump get street with Eileen at her birthday dinner and say “I need us to be REALLY fucking good!”?
Because, dahling, Eileen kept bringing it up, I kept saying sorry, and she was still mad so I asked if we were really good? I thought we had moved on dahling! Eileen laughs in her face. “You did?” Yes, you fucking idiot. Because she said a zillion times she was sorry and you said a zillion times it was ok. But what about when Vanderpump said she just apologized yet again because she didn’t want Eileen to have hurt feelings? Well, dahling, it’s because I didn’t want Eileen to have hurt feelings!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Rinna shouts about how Eileen just wants Vanderpump to see her! To feel her! Someone’s been listening to the Broadway cast album of Tommy.
Dahling, I c you. Next Tuesday.
Let’s recap this recap. Eileen wasn’t mad that Vanderpump brought up her affair, she was mad that Vanderpump dismissed her feelings about her bringing up her affair. When Vanderpump didn’t know why Eileen was mad, Eileen wouldn’t say “affair” and then got mad that Vanderpump’s apology didn’t include the word “affair” because it was really about how Eileen felt about Vanderpump saying affair.
No one knows what’s happening any more, because Eileen is still mad even though we’ve just watched 90 clips of Vanderpump saying “I’m sorry I hurt you.” Andy asks Eileen to clarify, but she can’t so she just says (long pause) “….The point is….I find you manipulative.” Because of how she apologized for asking about your affair. Ok then. You’re a waste of fucking time, lady. Please take time in the off season to get a life to film.
Vanderpump, on cue, says “I’m sorry that you find me manipulative.” HAHAHAHAHAHAH!! The best part is that she is looking around the room in all seriousness to see if she said it right.
Andrea from Emilio Estvez Park asks Eileen why she can’t talk about stealing someone’s husband but has no problem bringing up being abused. Jesus, Andrea. What a stupid fucking question. Vanderpump agrees with Andrea, which is gross. Eileen points out Vanderpump’s blog about it.
Rude. Not sure why she would bring this up in her blog in this way and I don’t blame Eileen for being pissed about it. That said, I had the same question. For what benefit? That declaration came out of nowhere in a scene that had nothing to do with abuse. Eileen brought up that she never got to say her big secret last year in Amsterdam so she was gonna do it now! It landed like a lead balloon, and it was obviously done to try and get some kind of storyline. She’s just terrible at it.
Vanderpump sticks to her guns, saying Eileen wants to be private but not private at the same time. It’s a dick move. In one example, Eileen is stealing a husband, ie: victimizing someone. In the next, she’s abused, re: being victimized by someone. What’s confusing?
Andy asks Vanderpump why she can’t share her difficult moments from her own past and Vanderpump looks confused as to how these people forgot her crying over the midget donkey horse she left in Ohio. Let’s talk about Vanderpump’s abusive relationship? Eileen watches, pout-pissed, as Vanderpump gets more airtime for the storyline Eileen attempted to make happen a long time ago and was ignored during. Vanderpump cries and says she was in a long relationship when she was 19 and got hurt.
You totally manipulated me into bringing up my abuse at the wrong time just so you could cry about it a year later on your blog.
Um, so now we’re in abuse cry wars? You guys omg. This is fucking retarded. Next week, it gets even more so.
See you then!
I co-host the Watch What Crappens podcast twice a week. Find it on iTunes Sticher Soundcloud or any other podcast app. I’m on twitter @RonnieKaram, so feel free to talk it out. Also, thanks to the many who tweet me with pics and blog links! I try to use them all! LOVE