BBC – Duchess of Cambridge Gives Birth to Second Boy, Advances Two Rounds in Monarchy Olympics
Here’s exclusive footage of Bill calling his parents to announce that his wife Cathy finally pushed it out:
Congratulations to the happy family. Apologies to Cathy, who asked us all to just wait for her, please, before we blast this baby news all over Facebook.
So thanks a lot, Randall.
Also, let it be known that this is the second time a woman I know gave birth while I was high on edibles, so I just want to congratulate myself for dunking on this whole adulthood thing.
People – Piper ALWAYS DOES THIS
Not to be outdone, Cathy’s little sister Piper had to steal Cathy’s thunder and announced Saturday, probably AS CATH WAS IN LABOR (can you imagine the nerve!) that she was also – suhpriiii-yeeeeez! – pregnant. This will be the first child for Piper (33) and her mysterious older hubby, Jim (41). Piper and Cathy’s parents, Carole and Mike, promise that they will love all their grandchildren equally. When the time comes, they will bequeath their moderately valuable assets among the brood fairly, unless it comes to that god damn 2002 Impala. They just gotta get it out of the driveway. It’s a fucking eyesore, Mike. The neighbors are talking about it. How do we know it’ll even work? What – once George gets his license you’re going to put him in THAT death trap? Nice, Mike. Real nice. God forbid we get rid of anything with a tape deck.
Anyway, congrats to Piper.
The Guardian – RIP Avicii
But with every new life, a debt must be paid, and Death came for two beloved artists over the weekend. The first was Avicii (Tim Bergling), the Swedish EDM composer who gave us such hits as Wake Me Up, Levels, and Hey Brother (heeeyyyy brother!) (sorry, had to). Avicii was found dead in Muscat, Oman, where he was vacationing. He was 28 years old. After two autopsies, police have ruled out foul play, though it does bear mentioning that Avicii had suffered a very public battle with alcoholism and “hard partying.” His family has brought the body back to Sweden.
CNN – Also RIP Verne Troyer
Man, it’s gettin’ real 2016 up in here. Verne Troyer, the two-foot, eight-inch actor best known for playing Mini Me in the Austin Powers franchise, died yesterday at the age 49. No cause of death was released, but (sorry to repeat myself here) Troyer was known to suffer from anxiety and depression, as well as a self-admitted addiction to alcohol. God, sad, sad shit. 🙁
Jezebel – This Don’t Impress Us Much, Shania
1997’s forgotten Taylor Swift prototype, Shania Twain, has really stepped in it. In a recent interview with The Guardian, the novelty Canadian country star and VH1 Diva’s Live! fixture said that she supported Donald Trump, a racist orange traffic cone that was plopped over some festering roadkill one day, in the 2016 Presidential Election. In an otherwise emotional and deep write-up, Twain says of Trump (a man she couldn’t have voted for anyway) “I would have voted for him because, even though he was offensive, he seemed honest.” Which is fair! Trump has been pretty honest! He certainly hasn’t hidden the fact that he hates women, people of color, the disabled, the environment, poor people, prisoners of war, anyone who is not his first daughter, and most especially, sharks. And I, too, can appreciate a man who’s so transparently in love with himself that he in turn despises literally Every Other Thing. Even when it comes at the cost of being honest about his net worth, his business associations, his ties to a powerful foreign government trying to undermine American democracy, his relationship with various adult entertainers, or his general knowledge as it relates to global diplomacy, homeland security, American history, “what the generals know,” simple commands of the English language, and whether or not Frederick Douglass is still in fact alive.
Anyway, our girl Shania has seriously backpedaled in the unsurprising backlash against her words.
Happy Monday, Trashies!
Want more TrashTalk? Follow us on Twitter for updates of recaps as they publish, like us on Facebook for a daily update, watch our TV parody vids on YouTube, or for funny TV pics, heart us on Instagram, and get the occasional gif on Tumblr!