The last part of the reunion opens with NeNe and Kim yelling at each other. Aaah, just like the good old days when Brangelina was still a thing, Obama was in the White House and Trump was still giving housewives checks.
On the last episode, Kim claimed that someone sent her the picture of NeNe in the handicapped spot. The editors, who haven’t failed us yet, show footage of Kim saying that she saw and took the picture. Kim claims that it was just a joke but since she wasn’t holding a mic and making Uber rape jokes, I don’t believe her. NeNe confronts disease-riddled Kim about the location of her scooter. It’s terrible but hilarious. NeNe makes fun of Kim’s floaters which could apply to damn near anything on her body while Kim calls NeNe big and says that she ate her teeth. That joke is as Season 5 as Sheree’s lack of a job or promising future.
We get to see Sheree’s season in review. Of course she claims that Caleigh is okay with Tyrone now. I guess all those months of her talking to him in 15 minute state-sanctioned increments have really warmed her up to the idea of a striped stepdad.
Sheree claims that they’ve been together nearly two years although she was trying to reignite the relationship with Bob just last year. We all knew it was fake but if Kenya can get called out, so can she. Kim is happy that she’s bonding with someone emotionally.
“I think it’s good when the Blacks find each other.”
Sheree plans to be engaged when Tyrone gets home to the house he did not help build with his stolen funds. He is waiting to get a hearing for an appeal but if he doesn’t win and remains in jail for two more years, she will not wait for him. And here I thought Cynthia was the flip flopper. Andy tries to clarify whether she loves this guy or not but Sheree insists that she is still human, mostly, and still meets people who don’t require anal searches prior to visitation. Porsha asks why Sheree is settling for a man who can’t even stop by to sign a baby-nup. Sheree is with him because she knows his character and swindling is on her short list of must haves.
Andy brings up the iconic “close your legs to married men” comment and Kim remarks that Gregg was married when NeNe met him. NeNe denies this but says that Kim was dancing at Oasis dressed as a nurse. I googled Oasis – I totally believe it. Andy asks if Big Poppa ever got divorced. Kim says she doesn’t know and says that she’s been married for seven years. NeNe points out that she’s been with Gregg for 20 so she shouldn’t bring that up either. Instead of speaking, Kim lets out some kind of purring wind up noise in response. I assume she’s having flashbacks of the sound of singles slapping her original ass.
NeNe is asked about her reaction to the Tyrone rumors. NeNe was sick of hearing about it so she overreacted when it was mentioned on the show. NeNe says that they’ll talk to Lie-rone when he gets out. At least one of them will still be talking to old what’s his face.
Kenya and Kim started a whole war based on the trip to Sheree’s basement last season. It was an issue between Kenya and Sheree and Kim inserted herself. I’m pretty sure that was supposed to be the setup for Kim’s Season 10 return but it totally backfired. Kim denies Kenya’s version of their origin story but the editors verify it. I’m not sure who’s Cheerios Kim’s boobs leaked into but they’re over her. Kim turns her head away to ignore Kenya so she switches seats to hear around the wig.
Sheree is asked why she allowed Kim to say rude things about Kenya’s 48 year old eggs. Sheree can’t defend herself and Kenya drops it which is perfect. Sheree’s firing herself. Kim also didn’t like that Kenya brought up her husband during the basement argument so she’s kept this feud going. Kim says that kids and husbands are off limits but Kenya’s fake boyfriends and eggs aren’t?
Kenya points out that Kim started with her again at NeNe’s home and Cynthia confirms that it was unprovoked. It’s also verified by editors. When asked about jealousy towards Kim and her family, Kenya says that she doesn’t want “BeBe’s Kids”. It’s a 90s reference and it’s so terrible but funny. Kim brought this all on herself. Kenya also says that she doesn’t want a man who’s a valet, wig curler and makeup artist. I’d actually love that. Anyway, Kim says Kroy’s balls are bigger than Marc’s will ever be and Kenya says she’s sucked enough to know that. Also, Kroy should probably get those checked.
Andy has ball envy so he moves on. Kim also says “bye peach” to Kenya in the midst of all of this which is funny because producer intel told Kim that Kenya was going to be fired. Supposedly Kenya was but her baby and performance at the reunion saved her. Poor, dumb Sheree is on the wrong team once again.
Kim didn’t believe that Kenya’s marriage was real because she’s a liar. Kenya points out Kim’s lies and the fact that she tried to pimp her daughter. Kim says “I would not say Brielle is a ho”. So maybe she’s open to trollop?Speaking of, after NeNe’s party why did Porsha refer to Brielle as Kim’s “ho daughter” to her face?
“Cuz she’s a ho?”
Porsha said Kim didn’t receive it that way and they shouldn’t have interrupted with her while she was playing with her wigs and Hennessy anyway. First, she needs to be happy that anyone wanted to film with her. Second, can we all agree that she can’t even take accountability for this? She could just say it slipped or she was referring to her other ho daughter…give us something! I know it’s a lighthearted moment because Kim wasn’t even mad but it’s still indicative of her inability to just cop to something.
Kim keeps saying that they’re jealous. Kenya tells her to fix her double chin at the next surgical visit. Thats so wrong. They’re always trying to discredit Kim. She’s got at least a quadruple under there. Kandi says no one is jealous because they’re all doing great things. In case you missed it, John Legend agreed that his music isn’t good enough for daughter selling. Kim says it was just a joke – Brielle’s 21. Ummm, my mother wouldn’t offer my hand for a shake and I’m thirt- let’s just say a multiple of five.
We get tumultuous NeNe and Kim flashbacks. NeNe was okay with Kim coming to her All White Never Forget Seafood and Gays Soiree and was trying to have a good season. Kim defends her drug accusations towards NeNe by saying that she’s known her for years and NeNe was slower and quieter. NeNe says Kim’s brain isn’t stopping on every single floor. Kim asks “can’t you have a normal conversation?” and NeNe’s all “nah bitch”!
Kim deflects and says that Kandi tried to say she had a drinking problem so her drug accusations are fine. Kandi explains that she only said that because Kim said that she needs a driver because she can’t do anything without drinking. Kim denies it and Kenya says “roll it back” to production. They oblige and it’s awesome. As annoying as Kim is, I love having people on the show who are so dumb that they seem to forget that everything has been recorded. Sheree tries to whisper to Kandi why that comment was wrong but Kandi says that if you always need a driver everywhere because you always drink, it’s a problem and like her dry personality, she’s not changing it. Sheree has been skittishly defending Kim in the corner and trying to calm NeNe and Kenya to no avail. I’m starting to think that Kim has a pee tape on Sheree.
Kandi is mad that Sheree didn’t share the “eat the box” comment with her and Sheree says that she thought she’d heard that rumor before so it wasn’t a big deal. Kandi calls Kim a fan who watches and then uses the information to come for them. The only thing I’ll give Kim is that when she said she wouldn’t let Kandi “eat the box”, I took it as her speaking figuratively as in ‘[I would never] let her eat my box’. Sheree heard it literally and ran with it. Eh, I take it back. Kim is still to blame because she didn’t clear it up before it got misinterpreted. Actually, I have to double take it away because Kim brings up a trip to the Bahamas that she took with Kandi and makes it sound like there’s some seedy story. It turns out that the only seediness was Kim laying up with her trendy lesbian girlfriend DJ Tracy while her kids were in the living room making slingshots out of thongs and implants.
Kim recounts the origin of the roach video. Brielle unknowingly filmed herself with the bugs, texted it to her mom and Kim never deleted it. Andy wants to discuss roaches as a metaphor for racism. All I can say is since I was a kid, we referred to NeNe’s bugs as water bugs. It was understood that anyone can get them and they usually appear around damp areas. In the warm and humid south I imagine that it’s even worse. A cockroach usually refers to the kind that are attracted to dirty areas. Kandi explains that roaches are associated with low socioeconomic levels e.g. the projects. When a Black person moves up but you say that they have roaches, it has that connotation. Obviously, Kim was trying to imply that NeNe was at the very least dirty and at the very most a fake rich bitch. Also, some people use the term roach to refer to Black people so there’s that too…
I get that people who are not in a group don’t always get the nuances of language and communication but what other purpose did Kim’s video have? Would she have shared it if it were ants or spiders? I don’t know that she would have and that’s what makes her implications questionable. I can’t say what Kim is or isn’t but there is enough evidence on her over the last ten years to safely say that she will not be invited to the cookout.
The reunion wraps with Kenya saying she regrets her Houston behavior, Porsha says she’s still humble while wearing a whole crown and Sheree regrets coming to the reunion with her jaw wired shut so she just says “joggers” until the show fades to black. Andy presents the women with roses from Spain. LOL. They have Kim dressing in a bathroom; those roses totally came from a roadside hut on Peachtree.
Backstage, Kim is soaking the public restroom in White tears. If you’re not familiar with these locally sourced sodium trails, there’s a whole book and a slew of articles about them. They’re the kind of tears that got Emmet Till lynched, let Breana Harmon off the hook for lying about rape and helped Hillary Clinton win the 2008 New Hampshire primary. Kim has called out Kandi for her marriage, intellect and sexuality. She called out NeNe for infidelity, drug use and roach nesting. She condescendingly told Cynthia to shut up and look pretty. She mocked Kenya’s fertility, relationships and financial standing. All of the women were attacked throughout the season yet they did not cry or seek special treatment. They’re doing a dirty-ish job and are paid handsomely for their service.
Kim, a part time cast member, blames Andy for not stopping the treatment that she received as five “African-American women hammered” her. She also says that no other White woman is dumb enough to be on this show because the issue can’t just be about her – it has to be about these evil Black women attacking her. Also, no other White woman is dumb enough to do the Kylie Jenner lip challenge right before a TV appearance but that didn’t stop her. She also mentioned that racism didn’t even exist and it’s only a big deal because of social media. This my friends, is why we can’t have nice countries. Andy tells her that he could only ask her about what she brought to the show this season and it was hot garbage. At least she and Sheree will be on the curb in matching trash bags. I give up.
What’d you think? Thanks for hanging in there this season! While we’re on a break (in my Ross voice), you can keep up with me on Proverbial Paradigm which is a podcast my friend Jenn and I started a few months ago. It’s just two friends chatting about random topics. If you hate it, don’t tell me or I’ll pull out my Black tears. They’re like Kim’s tears but valid. Love you for reading and commenting!
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