Well hello Trashmis! Are we ready to see Naomie go medieval on Charleston’s ass? I know I am! This week, Cam has a baby shower, we see more sickening cloying Ashley, and Naomie goes on a rampage like an avenging amazing Godzilla, pissing off Patricia, laying into Craig, and standing up for her principles, using JD and Elizabeth as a soapbox. Let’s roll!
So my commenters as usual did not disappoint in the tea, the shade, and the overall stupendousness this week, including a tidbit about TRav possibly abusing a Florida woman (I personally CAN’T see that happening, since we have NO prior examples of him in a sweaty trembling black-out rage… oh wait. Never mind.)
Hmmm… Nope, can’t say I’ve seen it before
So I’m a little bummed out that we haven’t seen the opening credits to see who has moved up and who has been added; we just keep hearing more of the theme song, which I don’t know if I speak solely for myself, but I could do with less of it and not more.
Chels is up and getting ready, and she looks freaking gorgeous when she’s unmade up. She’s talking to her Boxer mix, and MissKitty is dying that said doggy has her own portrait in the bathroom!
Craig is in his closet, fluffing chintzy pillows.
You do you, buddy.
Next we get the two lovebirds (barf) waking up. And Ashley is definitely someone who looks like a completely different person with and without makeup.
Rise and… Rise
Thomas groans that he at last has a “real woman, with a real woman’s heart” and Ashley’s thirst-o-meter suddenly goes up to “Death Valley” level.
“….Cuz I’d find youuuuu ::haha HA!”
God, they’re both so gross.
Cam is in her perfect kitchen with her perfect baby belly and Patricia calls her to invite her to a baby shower Patricia is throwing.
“Can you make me a little interesting? Thanks.”
Cam fucks up on the etiquette, since she starts to compile a guest list of who she wants to invite. Patricia correctly points out that since she’s giving the party, she gets to dictate the guest list.
“… I won’t be inviting Kathryn, since my irrational hatred of her hasn’t abated”
We go over to Kathryn’s and see Saint and Kensie waking up in their room together. Kathryn plays with them both, and seems like a very calm, sweet, yet firm mom–sorry- MissKitty harps on this a lot, but KDenn is a Leo and we are good moms. Strict, but also playful. I’m loving that she lets them just BE kids and doesn’t instantly put them in little matching outfits or instantly comb their hair.
MissKitty is more enthralled with the stuffed giraffe (that she finally got for Christmas), but she approves of KDenn with her cubs
Thomas is cooking Ashley eggs and jokes that he mixes in a “little Plan B in there”.
Uhhhhhhhh… Guess you forgot that ingredience at least twice, dumbass.
He asks her if she’s ever had a pregnancy scare. And she admits yes she has. We are then treated to some romantic, sizzling dialog from the bathroom tryst at Shep’s party:
Wow. Fifty Shades of Grey better watch out.
We are then regaled with more fertility chat, as Ashley shows Thomas her fertility app, tracking her cycle.
“Look babe, it’s called the ‘Catholics are laughing’ app”
Ashley says that she would consider getting pregnant “a blessing” but she doesn’t want to be a single parent. She does raise a good point- a baby makes a good relationship great, and a bad relationship worse. Personally, MissKitty is of the opinion that babies make a good relationship strained and a bad relationship psychotic, but what does she know. She has her three boys: A horse, a German shepherd, and a Ragdoll cat.
Ashley ends their pillow talk by announcing “You love me. You love me a lot”
Not annoying at ALL ::shifty eyes::
Next we have the parents to be Cam and Whitney meeting with a birthing coach. Wait. What? What the fuck?
“My baby’s dad will be emerging from his coffin momentarily”
Cam hasn’t done any preparing, and since her husband is in the medical field, he’s completely disinterested in helping her get ready for their first-born child. So he’s outsourcing the job to the one man in Charleston who seems the most freaked out by a) babies, b) vaginas and c) sunlight. Shit, she should have invited Thomas over. He’s intricately familiar with menses, ovulation, birth, and fertility. Let him come over and help.
Lo and behold Whitney arrives, in yet another track suit. Feels Cam’s belly, and skeevily says the baby is getting felt up by Uncle Whitney.
It takes talent to make vaginas shudder in horror in every season yet you manage.
Cam admits that her birthing preference would be to pick the baby off a tree, rather than having it emerge from her body, is worried about the stretching of her vag, and Whitney is grossed out.
“Think of Mother in a caftan, think of Mother in a caftan, think of stabbing…oops think of Mother in a caftan”
Whitney seems to rally, and asks about the epidural and the specifics of labor. He is doing better than MissKitty would, as discussion of birth, crowning, water breaking, contractions, or actually any of it, makes her want to jerkily run in circles going “ubb blub blub bbbbbbbbbbllllll EW EW EW!!!” Cam gets ready to do some exercises and Whitney stares, transfixed by her abdomen.
Secret Father-To-Be, or Pregnancy Fetish- you decide
They do a few exercises together, and it is pretty funny.
What is it with his adoration of putting his hands on Cam all the time??
After the puzzled birthing coach leaves, Whitney explains the theme of Cam’s baby shower as “chic WASP-y 1960s wear”. It’s actually a cool theme. He stiffly chuckles about Kathryn not being invited. It’s a far cry from yesteryear when he would sourly bitch about her. His “don’t give a fuck” attitude this season is refreshing.
Austin mouth-breathes his way into a bar to drink some beer.
“Austin’s Log: It’s Day 2,547. I still haven’t discovered a way to close my goddamn mouth”
Craig arrives, and they hang out. Austin asks if Craig is at the “checking out babes and not feeling guilty stage yet” Craig typically is super enthused and animated about it:
“Well my childhood dog was hit by a car, and then we moved…”
Craig is not ready, and jokes that he wishes sometimes he could just be gay. Hahaha. I love that Craig is so honest. I really do. And what girl upon trying to get over her latest douchebag guy hasn’t lamented that it would be so much easier to be a lesbian? Austin of course has to make some stupid joke about it.
“Gay? Are you gay? Is it contagious? Should I stop wearing pink striped polos around you?”
Shep joins them to eat some nachos. The three talk about Naomie and how hard the break up has been. It’s kind of sweet, seeing the three of them actually converse.
Cam and Chels go next to the ultrasound clinic.
Such a good friend– LOVE
Chels interviews that she’s been friends with Cam through all her stages. Chels hasn’t had any of those things happen yet for her, but she’s still a supportive friend. Cam whips out her freaking basketball, and it’s everything.
Good lord on a holiday that belly is huge. And tan.
Cam admits to sitting on her dock and tanning her stomach as Chels laughs and laughs. Cam cracks me up when she says that Palmer moving freaks her out.
I know that face. It’s the same face I make when contemplating anyone’s kicking baby.
We are then subjected to Cam’s ultrasound.
That candle melted everywhere
Fast forward… fast forward…. FUCK I can’t! The recap must… go… on…
Hate. Ultrasound. Baby. Faces.
“How precious and enchanting”
Chels is moved to tears by it, and says she’s already beautiful.
Aw. Right back at ya, girl
Cam hasn’t processed it yet, and remains dry-eyed. When the technician leaves, Cam asks about Austin. Chels seems a little sad about the break up, but she says she can’t deal with his frat boy lifestyle.
Speak of the toolshed, Austin ambles into a dimly-lit bar to sample some beers. I’m sorry, but is there anything more depressing than a bar in mid-day during the week?
“I’ll take the hard-core-with-nothing-left-to-live-for-alcoholic-label IPA, please”
Austin knows he wants a career, he just doesn’t know in what yet.
Thomas calls his dad in the next scene.
“How ah you, bouy? Have you stopped disgracin’ the family yet?”
Arthur grills Thomas about Ashley’s “love nest” apartment, and Thomas says his dad grew up in the Great Depression and therefore doesn’t like to waste money. Arthur likes Ashley. He says she’s much too nice for Thomas.
“Ha. Ha. Ha…. where’s that cakeane I stashed to cavah up my daddy issues?”
Kathryn comes over to Craig’s house, bearing an herb garden as a housewarming gift.
Yes, what an inappropriate girl. I can TOTALLY see why Patricia dislikes her so much…
Craig interviews that he and Kathryn are such good friends, because neither one judges the other and it’s a safe place. And really, isn’t that the kind of friends you fucking WANT? I really love their friendship. Instead of turning up her nose at Craig’s closet, with fabric and pillows everywhere, Kathryn kindly engages him. Craig is eager to show her his pillows he’s been making.
So sweet! Her earnest enthusiasm is nice to see
Craig shows her a “second tooth” pillow with a little pocket for the tooth that falls out- it’s ADORBS! Craig says he likes being able to do his sewing without being told he’s stupid. He asks Kathryn if she’s going to the baby shower. She tartly says “no” and we see the scene where Cam has to let her know she’s not invited.
For fuck’s sake, hasn’t she been adorned with the Scarlet A long enough yet?
Craig asks about Ashley, offering the opinion that she’s nice and a hopeless romantic. Kathryn (and any woman who knows the type) isn’t buying it. Kathryn then reveals that at the reunion in New York, she and Thomas hooked up. He didn’t tell her about Ashley (shocker) and he apparently professed his love for her and wanted to make baby number three. Hm…. that will be INTERESTING at this season’s reunion!!
It’s the day of the baby shower! Patricia looks appropriate for the theme.
Either that, or she’s filming a third-rate Whatever Happened to Baby Jane
Her theory when throwing a party is to use the things you already have. And for all her faults, MissKitty has always loved Patricia’s liberal smattering of stuffed animals.
Especially that smaller tiger cub STEIFF in the center there… WANT WANT WANT
Not sure, but I think the boar is a Steiff also. WANT WANT WANT
We finally see the inspiration for her theme, which is 1960s Palm Springs/Palm Beach parties.
AKA “Beehives and Camel Toes”
Chels cutely has her dog helping her with her dresses.
“Neither. Stay home with me”
We see Craig finishing Cam’s teddy bear in usual “wait until the last possible damn minute” fashion and then we see Naomie straightening her hair. She gets interrupted by her “fabulous gay friend(tm)” Wilson, in a face mask, natch, who she calls her “gay bae”.
THEN… THEN…. we see the ONE, the ONLY….
Oh. Fuck. Who are you? You’re cute, but WHERE IS GIZMO?
We see everyone’s fav, MICHAEL, opening the door. He compliments Chels on “looking lovely”.
Thomas and Ashley arrive. He looks like he just left the polo field or possibly a bi-plane to cross the Atlantic, and she looks like a Mary Kay Saleslady.
Oh look, Thomas Erhart and Jackie-No
Pat proclaims her a “blonde Jackie-O” and approves.
“Yacht Girls are so much classier than relatives of State Senators and Vice Presidents!”
Whitney arrives looking like an ersatz David Niven. MissKitty is starting to suspect that Patricia only picked this theme so the two of them could hang out in their outfits after the party and play out some kind of weird role-playing later.
“The only bird I love is my mum!”
Austin outdoes Whitney in the obnoxious colors department, and Whitney is like:
“Are YOU attending the after-party too?”
Noamie arrives in a pink strapless gown and Craig also comes in bright pink and green. Craig brings her some pillows and Patricia banishes them right away as per usual. Pretty Danni arrives, and based on the flush of Michael’s neck, me thinks he’d like to make her Mrs. Michael.
“Mrs. Michael Butler”
Thomas and Ashley, because they are so much classier than Kathryn are sucking all the oxygen out of the room as Thomas brays that he likes a “tiny heinie” and Ashley squeals like a game show hostess.
“OMG I’m so classyyyyy! STOP TOUCHING MY REAR END! YOU’RE EMBARRASSEEN MEEE-AHHH! I HOPE NO ONE IS LOOKEEEN-AH!”
Craig spills his drink onto the carpet. Oops.
Cam and Dr. Eddie arrive, and Cam is loving the decor.
Next, Naomie and Chels are talking about Kathryn not being invited to the baby shower. Oh no. Oh no. Naomie is thinking of cornering, I mean, pulling Pat aside to discuss a possible detent with those two. BAD IDEA.
Just ask HIM how well speaking to her and expecting her to act like a decent human being went. RIP, Cooper. We hardly knew ye.
Naomie starts out, and it’s already awkward AF, then goes on to explain her feelings that Kathryn maybe deserves another chance.
Squirming. You’d get more compassion out of a floor plank
We see Patricia’s face freeze. And she excuses herself with a look of utter disgust.
“If you will pardon me, I need to go talk to the classy cocaine dealer and his yacht girl. I think I also hear the one who ran through all his wife’s money, didn’t pay his rent, and has committed adultery with girls your age arriving.”
God she’s a crazy C U Next Tuesday. Naomie looks chagrined and uncomfortable. They bring out Cam’s cake, which is basically a red velvet disgusting monstrosity with a baby looking like it’s coming out of a bloody birth canal.
Classy! SO much classier than the young mother who has turned her life around…
Naomie finds Craig and they clink glasses as she relays her awkward interaction with Patricia. It sucks that these two can’t work things out. They both are kind of misfits. While they are talking, Cam opens Craig’s teddy bear that has morphed into a monkey with a blanket(??). Shep says Craig is probably discussing politics with the refrigerator, (oh ho ho… how witty), and Naomie is getting impatient with Craig’s platitudes. She asks him what he’s been doing, and gets annoyed when he says he’s gotten a ton done. Craig is not liking her direction, and frankly, I don’t blame him. Uh oh. They proceed to have a fight in the dining room. Not a good look. Then we see the hilarious scene from the show trailer, where Naomie tells him he sits home and sews and pretends to do things.
“What’s wrong with my sewing?” For some reason that makes me DIE every time
Naomie storms away. Craig is baffled.
Cam finishes opening her presents, being hovered over by Whitney.
Next Patricia warmly greets JD and Elizabeth, who arrive TOGETHER.
Either that or it’s a wooden puppet of JD with a red painted face. Jesus. Maybe cut back on the drinking.
“I ADORE you- you’re so much better than the girl who never stole anything!”
Naomie is completely taken aback, in the universal “I just spent hours of my life listening to you bitch about the man who shit on you, but now I look like the asshole”
We’ve all alternately HAD that friend and probably BEEN that friend. It’s so lame.
Shep and Whitney tell her how to navigate the scenario, and Chels offers some good words of advice. Naomie is PISSED and feels like she looks like a fool. Elizabeth looks uncomfortable (because she KNOWS how it looks in front of the girlfriend who’s been mopping up her mess), and JD just looks red-faced and smug. Elizabeth uncomfortably leaves, and Naomie flashes the finger.
Which. Is. Awesome!!!!
So what did you all think? Was Naomie justified in her ire? Will she and Elizabeth make up? How cool is Chels? Let me know your thoughts!
Until next week!
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