Hey Trashies! Sorry to “ghost” you last week, but the weather here was boo-tiful, and part 2 of the VPR season 5 reunion lacked the promised blood. But now it’s time to wrap this baby up, with recaps for VPR season 5 reunions 2 and 3 combined! Let’s get to it…
Reunion Part Deux
We start with the issue of Lisa taking a ridiculously long time to fire James, even though she fired Kristen for one “suck a d*ck” and never looked back. Lisa says it’s because she was sensitive to what was going on in James’s life, whereas who cares about Kristen. Besides, Lisa did her a favor, so we can all just zip it, dahlings.
It turns out Jax and James are proud to essentially be the same person. Lisa says James grows fur on the palms of his hands when he drinks, and Jax brags he did everything James did and worse when he was young.
Big surprise — the door is not closed for James to make a comeback. Andy says he wants James to DJ at his birthday party, but Lisa says Andy will regret it. James scolds, “Lisa, Lisa, I’m trying to book a gig here,” while the gang snickers.
On to Montauk. Andy laughs about how the ladies had to google “clam bake” to find out it was an event where one bakes clams. Kristen says the Urban Dictionary defines it as smoking weed in the car with the windows up, so that’s what she thought they were going to do.
“That ho and cars…”
Andy asks why Shay-nah wouldn’t join Katie & Crew in their Yawntauk reindeer games. Scheeeeaaaannana says she has a very specific diet, which includes no sugar drinks, no food with pincers, claws, shells or calories, and no “skinny” dipping in front of Laertes.
Schaene says she doesn’t want to lose her flat stomach she worked so hard for. Katie says, “well, why didn’t you say that?” Scheananna says she did one time, but they all attacked her. So they attack her for telling them they attacked her, in a somewhat exhausting auditory Droste Effect.
“Here, this’ll pep you up”
On to Sonoma. It turns out Ariana and Stassi have the same birthday, which Ariana says she had first, but that ages her, so she doesn’t know why she’s saying it, except she’s a pathologically unpleasant person, who’s getting old and hasn’t accomplished a ton in life.
They talk about the RV, and KFC’s backwashed water-bottle shower, then Andy asks Schwa what was going on with the rancid fridge. Schwa keeps mum about his secret quest to supply the gang with ass-meats of all kinds for every special event they partake in, for the foreseeable future.
Lisa says she understands why Lala opted for a weekend at the Beverly Hills Hotel.
Sandy asks why she “ghosted” them. Lala says she went into full-on panic attack mode when she found out about the RV, because Jax was mean to her. Sandy says he promised to shut down any attacks on her, then accuses her of bailing because her “boyfriend” came into town. Lala says the dude lives in L.A., so ‘town’ is not were he ‘came into’, okay?
Andy asks where she gets her money. Lala provides a bunch of non-answers, then Sandy gets all Sherlock Holmes on her ass. Seems he caught some dude driving her car, but unfortunately she won’t submit to a proper interrogation.
Newsflash, Andy doesn’t want to beat around the bush. But he does want to know if Lala was dating a married man. Lala says no one’s ever going to find out if the guy in question was that big-time fugly movie producer.
Lisa points out that Lala is creating interest by saying she has a secret. Stassi says they’ve all had to bleed out for the show, and it’s not fair. Now Detective Sandy interrogates Stassi about Patrick, and determines that she begged him to come on the show. Lala points out that they’re no longer together. Those two get into a shouting match, and Lala yells, “Do not f*ck with my relationship, bitch, fall the f*ck back!”
Everyone agrees it’s not fair that Lala gets to keep secrets.
On to the nondisclosure agreement. Andy wants to know why Lala gives her friends NDAs. Lala says that when she gets wasted, she’ll do “butt-naked” things in hotel bathrooms in front of her friends that she doesn’t want posted on social media.
Ariana confronts Stassi about her accusation that she signed one. Stassi says, “Jenna told me!” Lala shouts, “Everything’s ‘I heard, I heard’!” Lisa wonders who Lala is that she needs to cover her ass with a legal document. “It’s not like you’re Cate Blanchett or something,” she cracks.
Time to wrap it up. Lala apologizes to everyone, which Kristen graciously accepts, then Schwa touchingly tells Lala — with background music and everything — that he wishes he got to know the Lala he sees before him now, because she’s awesome. Lala agrees, and wishes she’d got off on the right foot with the gang, instead of putting up her dukes and pretending she was an international model.
Now Andy wants to talk to the “unfairly hot couple” to his right, and he doesn’t mean Jax ‘n’ James. It’s time to talk about Ariana’s cocktail book. Tom brags that he gave Ariana a ton of ideas, and it failed, so now they’re self-publishing together.
On to Ariana shooting down Tom’s proposals to propose. Tom says it’s frustrating, because she’s the first girl he ever wanted to marry. Oh, wait! It turns out he and Kristen discussed marriage, too, in the first two years of their relationship. Kristen’s nose get’s extra crinkly when sharing this delectable tidbit.
“Think you’re so special, bitch?”
And now for the burning question: does Stassi ever want to get married already, or turn into a spinster with cats? Stassi shares that her parents marry and divorce for sport (three times for both, going on four for her dad), so she better get started now, if she wants to keep up.
Schwa tells her it’s healthy to be slightly “weary” of the institution of marriage. We think he means “wary”, because “ordainarily” such a newlywed couple isn’t “officiatingly” weary quite yet.
One mo’ time. Schwa says he’s so happily married, but you should be a little “weary” of it, right?
“I’ll ‘weary’ your ass later, Bubz”
Time to talk about Jax’s d*ck pic. It turns out it took Jax 15 seconds to realize it was his d*ck, which they all agree is a very long time, given that Jax’s d*ck is the most recognizable form of life in the Greater L.A. Area. KFC says she’s mad about it, but Kristen has promised she’ll personally keep Jax’s d*ck in his pants for as long as she can manage.
Lisa thinks this was tacky, even by Kristen’s standards, never mind Jax.
Now we all have to pretend Sherri isn’t homophobic, and was just worried Jax might run away with a man. Speaking of dude-on-dude action, Schwa jumps up for a kiss, but Sandy says he’s completely over it, and is all about Ariana now, if only she’ll have him.
Jax says we have to understand Kentucky is a very different, much more conservative place, which brings us to Jax and Brit’s spinoff, Jax and Brittany Take Kentucky. This looks like something we just can’t pass up, especially the part where Jax gets judged by a pack of homophobic hillbillies.
“I’m her queer-hatin’ best FRIEND, ya faggot!”
Now Nikolai joins us for a little advice-giving segment. Andy asks where he gets his wisdom, and Nikolai says he’s been fantasizing about being Carrie Bradshaw since he was about eight.
“Carrie Bradshaw in drag, that is”
Before he regales us with his awesome advice, he shares that he saw Stassi’s un-lifted boobs one time, and she made a “cringeworthy” face, haha! Now he goes around the room, dispensing precious nuggets of wisdom to the gang:
Schwa should stop calling girls bitches
Katie should cut back on the booze, so she can have another 20 bajillion cowering friends
Jax will be an old man sitting alone thinking about having sex with girls ( but actually having sex with boys 😉 )
Ariana should technically be friendless, and is lucky to have Scheana
Scheana should know that there’s no picking sides. Whoops! He means the others should start agreeing with her
And finally, there’s nothing wrong with KFC. In fact, she’s very friendly and open, and Nikolai thinks that’s just great
Then he butters up Lisa and Andy, because his ass-kissing skills are even more adorably precocious than his advice-giving skills. Goodness, a little bit of Nikolai sure goes a long way, doesn’t it!
On to the bridal shower. Kristen tries to stop Scheana from saying she paid 1/3 of the obscene total, but she says it anyway. Kristen shoots her a “we’ll attack you later” face, then Andy asks how Lisa found a blow-up doll named Katie. Lisa pretends she went trolling seedy back-alley sex shoppes, when she really just asked Ken what he had in storage at Tom Tom.
Schwa hasn’t consummated their relationship yet, so that makes two Katies that aren’t getting any.
Time for Pandora’s spa day. Katie says Pandora is one of the two most generous people ever, and the spa day was a religious experience, until Shay-nah ruined it by having unapproved feelings. Katie starts complaining about Scheana’s “convenient narrative” that she’s a vicious alkie, which happens to be everyone else’s narrative, too.
Scheanə says she’s never called Katie an “alcoholic”, but has always said she has a “drinking problem”, because everyone knows you have to choose your words carefully with vicious alcoholic fatties who have drinking problems.
Now Andy wants to know how former HBIC Stassi felt when Ariana said she “didn’t give a f*ck” about her. Ariana says that if everybody could just stop coming up to her, she wouldn’t have to say she didn’t give a f*ck about them. Then she jumps all over Stassi for being a manipulator and baiting James.
Kristen jumps in and takes full responsibility for the NDA reveal, which causes James to blather about the cherry on top of an ice cream sundae Kristen made herself.
Kristen’s Sundae of Shame
Stassi weeps and pleads with Ariana to like her, but Ariana says Stassi is the BIGGEST manipulator EVER — at least, that’s what she told Sandy to make him hate her — and this became a proven FACT when Stassi said she’d been wanting to “crack” her in interview. Ariana says, “Boom! There it is.”
Stassi says it was a joke, but Ariana says it wasn’t funny. So it turns out these two bitches have more in common than just murder and ranch dressing. Now Stassi starts yelling at both Ariana and Tom, which is what Katie & Crew do when they get nowhere with Miss Stonewall Snippyface over there. Finally, Stassi says “they’ll” never like her no matter how hard she tries, and that’s on “them”.
“So’s this Zippy the Pinhead hairdo, bitch”
Coming up, Mike Shay joins us, and maybe, just maybe, there’ll be blood.