Greetings, Trashies! Mexico is behind us, and the gang is back at SUR, picking up the pieces of their booze-decimated lives, and stirring up some brand new Vandersh*t to tide us over to the finale.
So, all that duck talk last episode got me wondering which of my BB19 recaps was up at that time. Turns out it was Battle Back + Jessi-ho Cleans Up, featuring this pic with caption:
Fun coincidence, right? Okay! Let’s get started, shall we?
We open with a replay of Jax blowing up and melting down, then punching the phone booth as he leaves. James says Jax looks like he’s going to pop out of his shirt. Dr. Sandoval wants to give Jax some medication. Back inside, Brit-Brit sits down with Lisa, and apologizes for Jax. Lisa asks why she’s apologizing for him, and Brit says because whenever he does anything like this, people always associate her with him. Lisa says, “And they do. So you’re gonna spend the rest of your life apologizing?” Brit is clearly taken aback.
Lisa interviews that as much as she loves KFC, her enabling Jax is to his detriment. She herself stopped enabling Jax, once she realized she’d found a younger, cuter model. She asks KFC what she’s hoping for in this situation, besides a wedding spinoff. KFC says that due to the type of person she is (best person ever), she can’t see not giving Jax a chance. Lisa says, “How many chances does he need?”
Brit-Brit cries in interview that people don’t see what she sees, such as those touching private moments when Jax asks for a threesome, or says he wants to break up. It’s just been really hard.
The next day, Stassi sets up for the Pucker & Pout party at SUR. The place looks lovely, with posters, balloons and dangling disembodied lips throughout.
Pucker & Pout has been on hiatus, but now is being relaunched in partnership with Bafta Award-winning “Lipstick Queen” makeup artist, Julie Hewitt. We took a peek at the new and improved P&P ourselves, and finally learned what the big hoop-de-doo was about matcha.
Katie sits down with Stassi to blow up balloons. She says Jax won’t be coming due to his meltdown, then asks if Patrick can come after his show. Stassi doesn’t know if she wants him to. She explains the text incident in Mexico.
So she got a text from Patrick at 3 in the morning asking her to let him know she got there okay — immediately, or he’d get mad and screw some hos. She was drunk and tired and didn’t get to it till morning, at which time (surprise!) he wouldn’t let it go. She interviews how awful it will be if their ‘relationship’ doesn’t work out. Then she and Katie inhale helium, and Stassi takes out her aggression on who else but Schænə, squeaking; “Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob.”
Over at Jax and Brit’s, KFC hands Jax a cup of coffee with a bottle of Advil, and asks what set him off so bad. Jax says Adam told him Schænə schemed the entire situation, and Adam didn’t even know what was going on. Okay, so he did hear that correctly. Since there’s nothing to be jealous about anymore, his eyes are wide open — Brittany’s lost her spark.
He moans that everyone in their group has done the exact same things, if not worse, but for some reason, he’s the one that gets targeted. Why do these things keep HAPPENING to Jax?! He tells KFC he just wants to get out of here.
The next scene awesomely opens with James Kennedy Feat. Lala Kent’s tune, Feeling You. Lala enters the studio thrilled to hear her own voice. They discuss Lala’s showcase. James says you never know who’s going to be there, there might be talent scouts from the music industry. He’s pretty proud of himself for discovering Lala, saying, “I feel like I’m f*cking Dr. Dre or something, and she’s, like, my Eminem.”
Lala says she’s pretty much invited everybody, and is out there spreading the love, spreading the peace. She calls herself a slutty Mother Theresa, and James cries, “Jesus!”
They laugh about Jax flipping off Lisa and Ken, and Lalz says she feels so bad for KFC. “Imagine getting cheated on and living with the same guy,” she says. “Somebody would get killed, if it was me.” James leans back, and shoots her a look like he’s pissed or something.
Meanwhile, the Toms enter TomTom to take a peak, and are thrilled at the progress. They crack open beers at the bar, don hardhats, and take the grand tour. Up in the kitchen, Schwa announces he’s got a ‘semi’ right now, and Sandy says he’s got a ‘half-chub’ going on as well.
They talk preparations for the progress party, and Schwa wonders where one can get frozen ice. Not in their pants, that’s for sure. Then Sandy gets down on one knee and proposes to Schwa. He presents his betrothed with a sexy rose gold tie tack, to match his ring. Sandy’s got a duplicate for himself, only in a white metal, to match the ring Ariana hilariously reverse-psychologized herself out of at the end of season 5.
Schwa never thought he’d experience being proposed to, and happily accepts. He interviews, “Katie’s my wife in life, but in business, Tom is my wife, and I’m ready to make that commitment, and I hope we have beautiful business babies together.”
On to Paddock Riding Club, where Lisa is having her annual ride with Ariana this morning. Ariana blows the customary smoke up Lisa’s ass, gushing, “Only you would have a sparkly pink saddle pad!” then asks where Lisa got such a cool helmet visor, as somehow between rides, Miss Expert Equestrian figured out it was a visor attachment, and not some fancy-schmancy jumbo helmet.
Lisa says Ken got it for her, because she’s an ‘English rose’ (as opposed to a ‘California beef jerky’), and must protect her complexion. As they ride, Lisa says TomTom’s coming along, and if he and Ariana are to have a future together, this could be a nice place for him to start.
Ariana says Tom is all about TomTom right now, and isn’t helping her with her book, so she’s just kind of waiting for him. She interviews that she’s still working on that dumb cocktail book no one wanted to publish, then reminds us Tom ran its already-dead carcass into the ground, so she had to completely start over. So why does she want his help again?
Here we get a flashback of Tom claiming everybody asked him why he wasn’t doing the cocktail book with Ariana.
She says, “Now it feels like he’s moved on to bigger and better things with TomTom, so in the back on my mind, this is part of why I didn’t want him to be involved in the first place.” Yeah right. So now, instead of doing it herself, she’s using it as a tool to try and pry him away from TomTom. She tells Lisa she wants Tom to be able to time-manage and prioritize, because she could have had it done by now, if it was just her.
Lisa asks why she’s waiting for him. Ariana doesn’t want to be a nag, so Lisa offers to lend Ariana her riding crop. She interviews that Ariana’s right, and she also hates waiting around for other people, so why does Ariana put up with this? She’s strong enough to stand on her own.
So to recap, Lisa has no idea what Ariana just said, but thinks Ariana should ditch Tom, and do the book on her own.
Now Ariana moves on to Item 2, getting Jax fired. She says she couldn’t believe Jax went off on Ken, of all people! Lisa says, “He went off on me, too.” Ariana acts all surprised and horrified, and says, “Oh, well of course you’re going to fire him, then.” Lisa says that’s definitely a consideration, now that Ariana mentions it.
It’s time for the Pucker & Pout party! Katie’s mom and grandmother are there. KFC tells Schwa that Jax isn’t coming, James makes a crude joke about Lala stuffing goat cheese balls in her mouth. Kristen comes in on crutches with Carter, claiming she smashed her foot against the wall. She says she’s very accident prone, like the blowup floppy-armed guy at the car dealership.
KFC flirts with Adam, calling him ‘boyfriend’. Adam asks if Jax is coming, and if he’s still mad. Billie Lee thinks Jax is jealous, because Adam is so gorgeous, and we cut to a Jax at home, sulkily stabbing a pint of ice cream. KFC thinks it’s hard for Jax, because Adam is just like him, only ten years ago.
Now Carter has a chat with Sandy and Peter, asking why they can’t have Kristen’s back. “She’s been your friend a lot longer,” he says. Sandy remembers via flashback all the times Kristen lied to him in the past.
Tom is just saying it doesn’t look good, and he’s been in the same situation, he’s been like there’s no f*ing way, and yes, f*ing way it happened.
Kristen is talking dogs with some dude, when Carter comes up and says, “Why are you talking to dudes? Why are you talking to more dudes?” Then he sings, “The stories, they be a-changin’.” Specifically, he heard they were in the jacuzzi together, and they were not on the beach for just ten minutes.
Kristen says it’s called a plunge pool, and they were not both in it. She says, “Who do you believe, me or them?” Carter believes her, so why is he questioning her? Carter says because of her history. Kristen interviews that she swore this group and their BS would never come between them, and now there’s nothing she can do but painfully limp off through the kitchen, then call an Uber, hoping to hell she doesn’t smash her face on it.
Katie’s mom kisses Lisa, and thanks her for officiating her daughter’s wedding. Lisa says that was last year, and she’s waiting for the christening. The ladies get really excited over the thought of baby bubbas, so Lisa says they’ve got to take it one step at a time. “First they’ve got to get the bar open, then they can make the baby on the bar, how about that,” she jokes.
Elsewhere in the room, the Toms geek out about preparing for the progress party. Schwa calls Sandy his ‘infusion machine’, and Sandy says he’s going to be hitting up the lipstick bar in a few. On that note, Ariana’s face begins to undergo a strange metamorphosis, while she bitches in interview about how left out she feels when the Toms are ‘hanging out’. It’s like they don’t even know she’s there.
Just then, Sandy asks how riding was with Lisa. Ariana lies her ass off, claiming Lisa said Tom needs to prioritize her dumb cocktail book that she refuses to actually be in, like there’s any other reason anyone would buy it — when in fact, Lisa told Ariana to smack Tom’s bottom with a riding crop, and do the damned thing herself.
Schwa and Sandy exchange bemused looks. Sandy says, “I know, I know,” then interviews, “I understand that I’ve been preoccupied with this TomTom thing, but when it comes to Ariana, it’s not like she’s been super productive, either. She can get things done without me being there.”
“NOW she needs me?” II “Now that we’re engaged, brah”
Life-Stealer McDuckface nags, “I could have actually had it completed if you had not wanted to be a part of it so bad, and we would maybe be at a party for my book right now, and not a party for someone else. You see what I’m saying?” Tom says, “Okay.”
Meanwhile, Jax is raiding the fridge at home. He’s stressed out about everything, including that thing that happened to him yesterday, when he was just minding his own business, and that’s all the more reason why he needs a fresh start. Ordinarily he’d run into Kelsey’s arms for a hug, but she’s in the country of Africa right now. Then we get a flashback of a session with Kelsey where — no. That sneaky ho is coaching Jax to break up with Brit-Brit!
“The reason you’re being mean to her is because you don’t wanna have to be the one to walk away,” says Kelsey. Jax says, “You think I want her to leave me first.” Kelsey nods, and says, “She deserves to have your truth, so that she can then find the person who’s going to treat her like a princess.”
Jax says it’s been a long summer, and he’s been fighting hard for the rights of the providence, and sh*t. And KFC wants a lot out of life — like a boyfriend that doesn’t stick his pee pee in everyone that walks — and he’s not sure he can give her that.
Back at the party, Stassi sits down with KFC, and tells her that five out of five SURvers agree: KFC is the best person ever. and as such, she deserves the best man. But she’s chosen the one they all agree is the worst.
Stassi tells KFC she wants her to know her worth. KFC says whenever she talks to Lisa, she thinks KFC’s so stupid, but it’s because she’s not with her every single day, and doesn’t see what she sees. She interviews that Jax is actually her best friend, he’s the person she’s with every day and night, and she just can’t turn it off.
Stassi asks, “What if you’re wasting your best years?”
“I hope I’m not,” says KFC.
Stassi worries that she, too, might be wasting her best years. “I may not have a boyfriend that cheated on me,” she says, laughably, “but I’m with someone I’m up and down with all the time.” Then she bitchily says she doesn’t think she could attend their wedding spinoff, if it ever came to that.
The next day, Stassi is preparing mac and cheese when Patrick comes in, rocking a fresh new do and blush-pink T shirt. Stassi toots her own horn, saying the event went really well. She tells Patrick she likes making vision boards, which he finds very ‘manifest’ and ‘new-agey’, but she hates sending emails and responding to stuff.
“The clerical stuff,” says Patrick, “you don’t wanna do the fastidious stuff.”
“What is clerical?” asks Stassi. Patrick stares for a moment, then explains, “Like, putting together stuff, organizing stuff.” Stassi says f*ck that, and Patrick says, “You just want all the credit for it.” Or maybe she wants to hire a personal assistant to do the menial stuff, like look up words in the dictionary when Patrick’s off railing sluts.
After he shames her about the consistency of her mac ‘n sriracha, they sit down to figure out how to achieve consistency in their relationship. Stassi cries about not having answered his text right away. He says she’s not a bad person, and it shouldn’t have been such a big deal. So I guess after he wouldn’t let it go, she wouldn’t let it go that he didn’t let it go. What a pain in the ass.
Then he makes some nebulous Game of Thrones analogy that fails to galvanize her, especially when he gets to the breaking-up component of their on-again, off-again open relationship. After informing her that Ned Stark ain’t making it to season 2, he says, “You kill off the Starks before we can get to happiness. And wait for winter, bitch.”
“It makes more sense than you think,” he explains. The problem is, she takes ‘small slights’ and turns them into a ‘major battle’, ostensibly prolonging those ‘winter breaks’ into marathon boink-o-ramas. “It’s never just a war, it turns into a battle,” he says. Stassi corrects him, “You mean, it’s never just a battle, it turns into a war?”
“Don’t you mess with my analogies,” he joke-threatens.
“I love that I just corrected you,” says Stassi. She interviews that Patrick is a bit of a mansplainer, never mind she keeps asking him to define every word over two syllables. Patrick says, “We are four years into a relationship, but the bottom line is that we are very different people, and we just have to find the happy medium. Then he picks up her doggie and says, Right? Right?”
Over at Tom and Katie’s, Tom tells Katie the bar is shaping up, then Katie exclaims happily that this has been their best year yet. Schwa says he exercised his ‘inner douche’ one last time, and now he’s cool.
He interviews that he’s starting to be able to imagine a future that’s hopefully not too optimistic, which involves killing it at TomTom, a house in the hills, two kids (hopefully boys), six or seven dogs (no bitches please), and maybe a llama — okay, that one can be a girl. He feels fulfilled.
There’s a bone in the dinner, which reminds Katie of the time she got a fish bone lodged in her throat. Schwa tells her he once ate fruit by the food along with the strip of plastic, which got way down into his esophagus and choked him.
“Now I’m scared to have children with you,” says Katie.
They toast to one year of marriage, and how far they’ve come. Katie says she struggled with depression as a result of PTSD from falling through the skylight. Says she used to be happy and optimistic, but became angry and mean, which was Schænə’s fault, but that’s beside the point. She hated herself at times, but even though it’s taken almost a decade, she’s never felt more herself. Choking up, she says, “I haven’t felt this way in a really long time.”
“Bubba that’s beautiful!” exclaims Schwa. He tenderly calls her his angel, then they get up and dance their wedding dance, while Vanderviewers everywhere reach for a fluffy pooch to cry on.
In the final scene, Jax breaks up with KFC, and is really mean about it. He starts by telling her he’s been so unhappy, then, when she says that makes her feel like sh*t, he yells at her for making it all about her. She throws him out, but decides to leave instead. At the door, she shouts, “You got exactly what you wanted, since you said a long time ago you wanted to break up!”
Much as I feel for Brit, it seems Jax made it clear he wanted out a long time ago, and she’s been coercing him via hillbilly con-artistry to stay. He claims he never said that, then halfheartedly calls down from the balcony as she jumps into a car.
Inside, he asks the dogs, “Are you guys mad me, too?”
Next on VPR, Ariana nags Sandy about ‘hanging out’ with Jax, and the heartbroken Brit-Brit wastes no time coming on to Adam via Instagram DM. Plus, Lala performs!
Catch ya then, duckies.
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