Hello Trashies! Welcome back to the series that answers the burning question of how long can your 15 minutes of fame actually last. I have to say it’s been years since I watched MTV and although they sadly no longer play actual music videos they do use real music in their shows that isn’t royalty free and it’s awesome.
I have also been bingeing the original series in tandem with watching this new series and I am going to float what may be an unpopular opinion Nicole or Snooki if you prefer… is AWFUL, she is the WORST. She is bratty, self-absorbed, self-important and combative. I SOOOOOOO want her to join RHONJ.
We pick up from exactly where we left off, the gang trying to maneuver drunk Nicole out of club while she fights with them. Pauly reveals the secret to his career success, DJ was the easiest job to spell. Once back at the house they are in complete darkness because the power is out. Drunk they are stumbling all over and Nicole has to pee. With her eyes set on the pool she gets in clothes on and boots off.
Ronnie carries her to her room and they all set their sights on getting some pizza. In case you missed it in the first episode Skinny Vinny is hardcore into Keto and even has Insta dedicated to his diet. https://www.instagram.com/ketoguido/?hl=en
MMMM pizza toppings
But his roommates aren’t impressed, horrified is more like it that is not the Italian way.
The guys who love messing with Sammi RealDoll wonder where she is and giggle. Deena is not having it, I get it she is actually friends with Sammi and she knows when she sees this that she is going to be pissed. But for now but instead this serves as a segue for Deena to unleash on Ronnie about not being there for her when her dad died. He tries to defend his actions by saying he didn’t know what to say and knew how close she is with Sam and he was going through so much with Sammi. But Deena doesn’t let him ride on the fact that she and Sammi are close. Eventually he admits that he was wrong and apologizes no excuses. Deena accepts and moves on… I have never seen reality show beef quashed so quickly.
In the morning Nicole awakes and says her pants are sweaty only to realize that she peed her pants. Not only that but because she was smashed when they came home she is just realizing now that the power is off, she can’t call Jionni or eat out of the fridge. She discovers the ant pizza party on the patio and one whole pizza that apparently was not ant covered.
Or at least I hope so
They decide to go to Oceans and get food because the guys have to pick up Mike in a few hours. Nicole rags on Jenni’s glasses choice until she points out that they are just like hers only square. They both look ridiculous because they made their noses too small for their faces. With her girls resting on the table Vinny wants to know when Nicole got her boobs done. This leads to a conversation about babies and breast feeding with implants that is boring. Then Lorenzo’s favorite Imagine Dragons song comes on and Nicole starts to cry. I cry too when I hear Imagine Dragons but that’s because my kid is making me listen to the pop station. Then Jenni starts to well up because they are both missing their kids and the guys look over it.
As a mom I get it, I could never imagine being away from my kids for that long. BUT it’s barely been 48 hours and at that point being away from my kids I am enjoying sleep, cocktails with breakfast and being able to eat a meal that isn’t cold or being interrupted by someone crying about they don’t like what’s on their plate, needs more milk, wants a fork not a spoon etc. Ronnie is surprisingly the one that explains to Vinny who doesn’t get it and also talks the girls down from the ledge by reasoning that taking time away is healthy.
But still bitchy in the confessional about their mom tears
Mike and Vinny go to pick up the Situation to complete the MVP. On the way there they joke about what they are going to say to him, jail jokes are probably out as that hits too close to home.
The Dad-chelor party moves to the Clevelander.
And a soon-to-be Dad
One new improvement is that they gave them all at least one phone to communicate with each other. When the guys call Ronnie and the girls they can barely hear them over the music and drunken shouting that they are at the Clevelander. Vinny is dismayed that he will be hanging out with his sober roommate and a bunch of moms. I love Vinny but I am going to need him to take several seats because ya old and this is what starts to happen to your friends after 25. The Situation is ready despite getting ready to hang with a bunch of savages.
Ronnie wants to have as much fun as possible because he only has a few months until his kid comes flying birth canal.
And fun he has
In the car Situation says that what he is going through is hard but easier knowing that he has all of their support and it feels like they did all this yesterday. Vinny says wait until he gets back into the house it feels just like that with the exception of a couple of new faces in the house.
Excuse me sir but Sammi is a RealDoll
The guys finally arrive and the Situation gets a personal welcome.
His roommates, who previously hated are thrilled because they love the new Situation who as Deena states, is like born again. Nicole orders him a sober shot and explains that while they all drink he can like sit and have a coke, not the drug but the soda. I am so glad she cleared that up.
The Situation admits that he is having sensory overload because he doesn’t get out much anymore. In his talking head he says that between the girls, the booze and his roommates his chances of surviving all of this are very slim. However, his roommates are realizing the benefit of having a sober friend is that there is an automatic designated drive, The Situation is the Designation.
Ronnie has gas and kills everyone in the car with his farts and then the bathroom when he gets home. The Situation gets a tour of the whole house and then the guys send him “down the hallway” off the kitchen where he finds the ultimate party girl.
While Ronnie tries to work the plunger on his alien shit.
The Situation walks into his and Ronnie’s room and Ron has a bit of an attitude. Ronnie admits that they have past and the Situation thinks everything about Ronnie is a mess.
The Situation walks outside to find Nicole and Deena cuddling with wine. He explains his sober journey that he doesn’t even smoke anymore but it didn’t start out like that he just wanted to make himself the best possible person. Having Lauren by his side helps and Nicole agrees that she is a hot bitch with great tits.
They both wish they could be more like him but they love their alcohol too much and Nicole hates everyone. But her new boobs don’t because one of her nipples keeps popping out to say hello to Jenni.
Cabs are here!
The crew heads to dinner at the Delano a fancy place that Jenni believes is way too classy for them as the meatballs are out of control meatballing.
As they sit down they all start to say nice things about how strong Mike is to not pay his taxes and then admit it to a court of law. Vinny steps in and gives a proper toast about what an inspiration he is to be here at the hardest time in his life. Then everyone goes around and gives their personal best to him until Ronnie. Ronnie and The Situation truly have a storied past, I think mostly they were stuck together a lot because of Vinny and Pauly’s bromance. But most of his beef is the shit he pulled with Sam and him. I think Ronnie and Sam each did enough shit to each other without outside influence but I am sure being back in Miami brings a lot of those memories back.
Back at the house Ronnie cuddles with Sammi.
Deena and Nicole are now wine connoisseurs and bust out the best Beringer to talk by the pool. When someone brings up that Ronnie was violating the Sammi RealDoll Deena and Nicole obviously jealous of all the attention she is receiving decide to drown her. Dragging her out to the pool takes two of them and the whole way she screaming for Ron.
Wanting to make sure she is as dead as a RealDoll can be Nicole kicks her for good measure
Then they toss her lifeless body into the pool
Mike is all of us at this scene
The guys point out that is looks like a dead person and that with all the windows of the houses around them someone is bound to see it that way and call the police. Mike points out that Sammi is never going to talk to them again after seeing this, Pauly suggests that maybe they should write her a note. Dead.
Nicole tells Vinny to jump in the pool to save Sammi RealDoll, then starts playfully punching him only for her rings to go flying off.
Upset, Nicole runs inside to call and cry to her dad, like every grown woman does when something bad happens because she wants to go home. Meanwhile her roommates look for the ring for two hours. Eventually Deena finds it on the edge of the pool and they run inside to show it to Nicole who displays her gratitude by giving everyone but Deena a hug.
Yet she feels like this is a sign from the house spirits telling her she should leave. Ronnie is able to take her down by convincing her that she is stronger than what she is displaying.
The next morning Jenni and Mike survey the damage and sit down to have a breakfast, over truth eggs and bagels to recap of the previous evening’s ring drama.
I guess Sammi wasn’t hungry
Upstairs Ronnie prepares to kill the bathroom again.
Mike and Jenni talk about what a mess Italy was for them both. He tried to get his shit together when they went back to the shore but wasn’t successful because he even though he was not drinking he was still smoking weed and cigarettes, which isn’t sober as he claimed he was at the time. In a lot of ways I feel bad for this cast, they filmed six seasons in three years as MTV tried to keep the cash cow running. But the last few seasons the cracks were really starting to show. Not only were they not living a real life but as their fame grew so did the psychosis.
Jenni reveals that not only did her grandma die but she lost a baby.
This makes a lot of sense as she was like death warmed over in Italy, she was sad and on Xanax. Also, kind of makes Roger look like a dick because he bailed on coming to see her and in that season when they sent back to the Shore he said he didn’t want to be around her because she was all gloom and doom. The meds were having a bad effect because she was so down so she started taking uppers.
The Judy Garland pill program
Mike talks about how his withdrawals, from prescription pain pills was when he started to fight with Ronnie and tried to put himself through a cement wall. He says is such a good man in his 30s because he did some LIVIN in his 20s.
The youth are organizing nationwide protests and calling out the snake oil salespeople of Fox News… they are doing way better than us – Signed Too Old To Be A Millennial
Meanwhile Nicole has awaken with perfect no makeup, makeup and eyelashes firmly in place to cry about mom guilt.
Look at all my tears
She calls her adorable kids and reminds herself that is soooooo important for mom to take time for themselves, she tells other moms that all the time and now she needs to take her own advice. So, she is staying…well thank god that cliff hanger had me on the edge of my seat.
Pauly impressed with the monster shit Ronnie took begs Vinny to come check it out. Ronnie has officially killed every toilet in the house. Also, the roommates have noticed a new roommate that is building a massive web which Deena mislabels a Black Guido; he should fit right in with them.
Next the gang all goes for their fish out of water activities they like to try and this time its rock climbing. They have never seen Guido’s rock climb, it’s going to be CRAZY. Jenni cites her emergency contact as Jesus, his phone number 911. Pauly beats Vinny to the top in their personal race which should be no surprise, the higher the hair the higher you climb. Deena and Nicole will have to clean Ronnie’s bathroom and it will be Nicole who will be scrubbing poo off the side of the toilet bowl.
Back at home Nicole prepares for battle.
There was a lot of screaming, splash plopping and gagging. Frankly they spent way too much time on this scene and it was grossing me out
Back downstairs the duck phone rings and its Ronnie’s girlfriend Jen. After making some small talk and asking if her tween son is taller than Ron, Vinny finally let Ronnie know Jen is on the phone. It is the most boring conversation ever, Ronnie is doing that fake yawn thing people do when they are trying to rush you off the phone because they are “tired.” Pauly points out what we are all thinking, do they even know each other at all? They hang up after a few minutes and then this happened.
Deena is having a reflective moment focusing on her swollen hands and dizziness. This lead to her diagnosing herself with Vinny and Pauly suggesting everything from congestive heart failure to pregnancy. This ultimately leads to a conversation on opinions of appropriate birth control in a marriage and side effects of being pregnant from panel experts Vinnie, Pauly and Ronnie. The fact that they think you get married to stop wearing condoms is cute.
They decide to go back to the Clevelander and Nicole is giving Vinny a lot of shit and it just seems like all of a sudden her attitude on him just changed. This becomes more apparent in the car on the way there when she refuses to sit by him in the car and makes Pauly move over because she CAN’T sit by him.
Once inside they are woohooing and taking shots while Mike sits back, smiles and eats chicken tenders. I wasn’t totally sold on the new Situation until he admitted something so pure.
Then the guys see that there is body painting happening and they go get painted. Ronnie gets painted on him “who wrote the note,” and the girls get all pissy about it and think that Ron is clearly not over Sam. Maybe, but he cheated and ended it all. I would say maybe this is a weird experience for him to do the house without her because it was always about them. Even when they weren’t together they were together or fighting about being together or thinking about getting back together. Unfortunately for Sam and Ron their hot and heavy never going to go anywhere physical romance in their early 20’s was televised, they will always be tied together.
The editing in this scene was all over the place. Sometimes you could see the paint sticking out under Vinny and Ronnie’s tanks and other times you couldn’t. But at one point Vinny come over and starts freak dancing on Nicole and she goes into hysterics.
And doesn’t stop screaming until she is safely in the vicinity of Mike and his tenders.
Back at the house Vinny tries to talk to Nicole about what the rules are for being in her presence. One minute she is fine with him and the next minute she all mad because he is standing too close to her.
For her its all about upsetting her man, Keebler Elves mate for life and she isn’t about to screw that up. Jenni tries to get her to set some boundaries by clearly explaining herself to Vinny and that sets Nicole off, who then storms upstairs. Jenni follows her only to be called an idiot and be accused of trying to RUIN HER FAMILY.
Back downstairs Jenni talks to the dudes that Nicole is out of control and after nine years she is over that shit. While Mike hits the chips and Vinny hits his steps.
Nicole still justified in her rage that everyone it out to ruin her Jionni screams from the top of the stairs about what a good friend Jenni isn’t and what an idiot she is, SHE CAN SAY WHATEVER SHE WANTS.
What do you all think of this revival so far? I feel like they are relying on a lot of the classic hits; Ronnie’s poop problems, Nicole wants to go home but now its because she is a MOM guys, The Situation is a changed man, Pauly and Vinny’s secret love affair. Also, the Nicole can’t be around Vinny because the boned one time 6 years ago seems producer forced. I hope they have fresher drama in the upcoming episodes.
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