It’s finally time for the “historic four part reunion”. Our grandparents had D-Day, we have 40DD-Day. The women are there at 9:00am to get ready. Cynthia is serving up afro power while Sheree is horrified at the thought of putting her coat on the floor of her dressing room. She wasn’t this distressed over putting her kid on the floor on an air mattress.
Kenya kicks the camera guy out so they don’t catch her with her Carrot Top trunk of tricks. Props are banned but it doesn’t mean she can’t fantasize. Porsha doesn’t recognize Andy when he stops in her dressing room “dressed down with his chest hair out.” Porsha also goes to sleep when a blanket is thrown over her windshield so take that for what it’s worth.
Andy: I didn’t recognize you either. I was wondering who invited Little Richard.
Sheree is one of the first ones on stage and questions how long the other women need for makeup. This is no surprise. Sheree is a consummate professional. This woman managed to contour her kitchen to minimize the absence of her oven and refrigerator. Once they’re all on stage, Kandi wonders if she should zip her shoes in case she has to stand up on a bitch. And with that, let the class-fest begin!
They’re filming in the Georgian Ballroom which Andy calls Castle Cohen. It’s filled with glory holes and Kairo posters. Kandi is finally next to Andy which she says is bad because that means she had the most drama.
Kenya: We can switch.
Kandi: Andy please tell this freak ho to back up off my seat.
Andy asks if Sheree brought any bones for them and Porsha says there’s a bag of them behind the sofa. No, really. They’re leftovers for her kid’s dinner. Maybe that’s why Kairo can’t walk right; he’s malnourished.
Kenya’s hair is great but her leave out is so off from the wig color. Is Miss Lawrence still on RHOA strike? At least Derek J could have helped her – he could’ve stolen her a nice one. Andy compares Porsha’s hair to Kandi’s second season ‘do. She takes the high road and makes a Halle Berry comparison instead. I’m going with Elvis at best. Cynthia is giving Andy “extra life” with her hair. She says it’s her inner freak ho.
Legend has it that those were the only words heard from Cynthia for the next 37 minutes.
They discuss all of the doctor visits including Dr. Curves since it’s the only visit that’ll allow Andy to throw them all under the bus. He questions Kandi’s comment about the four women who’ve had implants. Kenya will only say that she’s always had big ones while Kandi admits to joining the club after the season wrapped. She won’t say which four women she was referring to and when pressed says she has no idea if Kenya’s are real or not. Kenya says they have not had a bedroom situation so Kandi wouldn’t know if hers are real.
Kandi: Her loss. They don’t call me Goldfinger for nothing.
For the record, camel toe is only “on trend” because Phaedra saw them being sold on Amazon. Also, she doesn’t want foreign objects in her vagina referring to the Yoni Egg.
“Convicted objects – fine. Even felonious objects. But foreign? This is America, Andy.”
Cynthia says that Peter nearly tested her rejuvenated vagina in Hawaii but his aim was off and he kept stroking her wallet. Andy says he knows that black don’t crack but asks if any of them have Botox and fillers. He says they’re the most unique housewives because their faces are their own. I dare him to say that at the OC reunion. No, I need him to say that at the OC reunion. Porsha tried it once but it got in the way of her posing for blowup doll molds. She also has a “deer nose” so she used fillers to make it straighter.
“Dick Cheney kept trying to shoot me.”
That’s because he’s a good American. Andy gives Kenya the award for having the most terms for Chateau Sheree. We also find out that everyone but Porsha and Cynthia have guns. Thank God those two don’t own any! Imagine what last season’s boat trip would’ve been like otherwise. Andy asks if anyone but Sheree had titty sweat at Kenya’s housewarming. Porsha says she didn’t because she made her own breeze when she went in and out.
“It was like a box fan, zzzhhhh zzzzhhhh.”
Andy asks whether Sheree really lives in her house because Kenya says that she doesn’t. Kenya says she drives by multiple times per day so she can mine the house for trim. She says the lights are never on even at night. That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. We all know Sheree is in there with her one candle and vision board.
Kenya says that Kim Zolciak only went off on her for a check while Kandi hoped that they wouldn’t call her out since she went down there too. Kenya says she went into the basement to be shady because Sheree said negative things about her house. Round of applause for someone just admitting it! What I’m not gonna do is recap the ensuing fight between Kenya and Sheree over their houses. Sheree is still stiffing contractors and Kenya has paid all of hers after an oversight.
Kenya: It was either replace the windows or pay the contrators.
I’ll take this opportunity to acknowledge that Porsha accused Kenya of using an African for a home down payment and Phaedra said that she’s in the Dubai date book. The problem though is that they’re liars. People went crazy trying to discover Kandi’s secret 7 year lesbian lover and two episodes later we found out it was all a lie. So who cares? I’m ore annoyed that Bravo clearly stretched the hell out of this reunion. This could have been a cutting room floor special episode.
Andy says that Phaedra was the peacemaker this season and did a lot to help the community. She says that she still talks to the kids from the camp.
“I shouldn’t have given them my Twitter handle.”
We see a clip where she says she began a need for a foundation when she looked at the community. I guess community is code for her home. She needed to save her sons and her husbands. Anyway, although the restoration failed, she feels nothing is too hard for God including mending friendships.
They point out that Kenya donated the least to the camp including Sheree. She says that she’s charitable and NeNe still hasn’t matched her $20,000 donation to the Detroit Public Schools. Kandi says that she got a letter thanking her for a $500 donation instead of $2500. Phaedra says that it was a typo and they corrected it. I wonder how many “typos” were sent in the hopes no one would catch them.
“Who knew the Kandi-koated Krew could read?”
“I had to return my $2000 gold plated cameltoe.”
They look back on the footage of the divorce party and it ends with Phaedra saying that maybe Kenya can have a chance with Apollo. Andy asks if Kenya would take another chance at Apollo. What I’m also not gonna do is review an argument that already spanned three seasons. They debate text-gate, Phaedra calls Kenya an alcoholic, Kenya calls her boring and Phaedra tells her to keep screwing the man in the truck. Are we talking about Matt? Cuz I wouldn’t let him in my house either.
Porsha says Kenya should’ve consulted her or even Kandi to discuss the divorce party. Kenya says that it was for Cynthia too so that doesn’t make sense. What did Cynthia think about it anyway?
Cynthia: I have an afro!
Kenya says that Phaedra lives two lives – the southern belle and the freak ho. Phaedra says that Kenya doesn’t know her well enough to throw a party because they don’t travel in the same circles. Andy says they travel in at least one because they’re literally sitting in a semi-circle right now. He’s getting better at this reunion thing. Kenya and Phaedra are done praying together.
“We don’t need to stay together.”
Porsha says anger management is going well and she went for a re-up right before the reunion. She says that it’s not even anger management, just therapy. She really needed it because she’s had such a hard time being divorced and rebuilding her life. Bitch, that applies to nearly all of these women and over 50% of the American population! It’s still not an excuse for beating people in alleys.
Porsha addresses the lunch she ran away from when they questioned her about her anger management. She called Phaedra when the episode aired and discovered that Frack lied. Phaedra apologized and they moved on from it. Kenya refuses to apologize for chasing Porsha out of the restaurant and down the street.
Kenya: I was just trying to do some cardio!
Phaedra is called out for not having Porsha’s back when she gets into it with the other women. Porsha says that Phaedra has her ways and begins to make another excuse for her. Phaedra says that she’s not going to look a fool and curse people out in public because she has to work with professional people. I don’t know that there has ever been so much hypocrisy in one sentence. First, she has done many scandalous things on camera. Second, she’s on a housewives show. In India, she’d be an untouchable. At least the cow comparisons would finally stop. Third, she’s been playing a lawyer for the last six years; the last case we saw was about stolen weave. Just stop girl.
That’s right Phaedra. Let it sink in.
A viewer says that Kenya is verbally abusive and should seek therapy herself. Kenya says she’s been verbally abused and Sheree called her a bitch. Porsha mentions that she just called Sheree a bitch. This has to be a record as we see a flashback from, like, eleven minutes ago. Another viewer says that Kandi seems to have anger issues too. Porsha starts lecturing Kandi who says that she said last season “don’t start none, won’t be none”. Kandi laughs at Porsha for thinking she’s a professional now that she’s done two sessions of therapy. Porsha says that this group won’t celebrate anything good.
Porsha: Honorary Millenial
Ugh!! We’vebeen going through this since season one. Celebrate yourself on your own damn time. This is the housewives! No one is here to teach you or put you on a pedestal. Everyone doesn’t get a trophy.
Kandi: I actually have several in a gramophone shape.
Kandi doesn’t understand why Porsha keeps making phone calls to Phaedra when they have an issue but she immediately turned on Kandi without giving her a call. Porsha says that she cares about Phaedra and they’re real friends. Kandi explains that they were friends too! She even donated $5000 to her on Celebrity Apprentice. Porsha says that because she gave her money she thinks she can treat her however she wants. Kandi say sthat she always gives to charity, that donation was to help her win.
Kandi: My momma always says, you never win when you play dirty!
“That was NeNe.”
Kandi: You can’t win!
“That was Adrian in Rocky.”
“Winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing.”
“I should have never bought you that Encyclopedia set!”
The episode ends with them yelling over each other. Next week Phaedra brings what she thinks are receipts. Porsha continues to complain about how hard life is. What’d you think? This was a watse of an episode so next week better bring it. Love you for reading and commenting!
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