Oh hi, Trashies! You know we’re getting close to the end of the season when we begin experiencing the Einsteinian phenomenon known as ‘VPR time dilation’, where one day in VPR World stretches out to an entire week for us. You’re not imagining it — the gang spent four days in Mexico, and we’ve been watching it for a month.
We open at Catch, with Kristen throwing her cocktail at James, and James calling her a ratchet f*cking whore. Katie thinks Kristen loves the attention she gets from being at the center of a sh*t-storm, which is life-sucking, and a total waste of energy. It just so happens Katie has a PhD in life-sucking and energy-wasting, so she knows whereof she speaks.
Stassi understands that Lala has liquid all over her weird Donkey Kong-shaped dress with the long, thick arms and uber-wide neck. Lala snaps, “Who throws a drink!” Stassi replies, “Okay, who throws a drink? Who also makes up and tells an entire group of people that he had sex or hooked up with somebody?” Lala hollers, “Stassi, he didn’t say that! They were all poking at him, and he goes, ‘Maybe, maybe something happened’. Get over it!”
“Were you there?” asks Stassi. Lala retorts, “Were you?” She interviews, “I’ve been in James’s position, and I’ll be damned if he’s going down without me.”
Meanwhile, James calls Raquel and weeps to her that he never said it. Just then, up comes Sandy, who tearfully tells James to call her back. He mops up and exclaims, “I mean, you and Kristen were alone! For a decent amount of time.” James insists they didn’t hook up, so Sandy asks what happened. James says, “You guys left, Jax went to bed, I’m in the jacuzzi area, Kristen did not go in the jacuzzi, Schwartz goes, ‘I wanna go bikes, I wanna go bikes.'”
So from there, Schwa took off to kiss randos at the other resort, while Kristen and James rode to the beach, where they had a ciggy, and chatted about what a fun girl Kristen was. Then James swam for twenty minutes, he went in his room, and she went in hers, with a cooch-full of sand; f*ck it, viva la Mexico.
“Is there possibly other things that you did that maybe you don’t remember?” asks Sandy. “I mean dude, two hours.” James says, “I’m sorry, man, and I’m not lying to you.” He interviews that Tom is supposed to be his friend, yet he keeps poking and prodding, which is just another case of bullying.
It’s 12:27 am, and Stassi orders a margarita pizza with a side of balsamic vinegar and a Caesar salad from room service. Then, in the spirit of really riveting end-of-season entertainment, she shares her preferred list of pizza condiments with us, and admits that once she was drunk and tried ketchup. Meanwhile, the Toms and Schænə join Jax and Brit to turn up for the last night in Mexico. Jax gripes about how those crazy kids today say ‘turnt’, and toasts to their unsinkable friendship.
Over at Lalz’s room, James says, “Dude, that was f*cking crazy.” By this point, he’s convinced himself he made a sarcastic bad joke. Lalz is very proud of how he handled himself, but James is scared Kristen is going to come for him now.
“I’ll f*cking light the bitch’s house on fire before you go down,” says Lalz. James gratefully tells her she’s like his big sis taking care of him. Lalz says, “Dude, we’re like Em and Dr. Dre, ain’t nobody gangster like us.” Then she sucks on her baba.
Once Stassi’s done snarfing down her pizza, Kristen comes running in and curls up in her arms. Katie scolds her that things are a little Jerry Springer at this point. Kristen says it was a drink and not her fist, so hey, progress. Then she moans about how mean Katie’s being. “Katie has zero reason to be such an asshole to me,” she whines. “What the f*ck did I do? Why is this my fault? I’m done, y’all, f*ing done.”
Meanwhile, at TomTom, Lisa and Ken are back in mad love, and all is right with the world. Lisa remembers when rock was young, and they opened Jewel in Piccadilly Circus for Elton John’s partner David Furnish’s birthday. Oh the pressure, but it looked beautiful. The lovebirds talk fixtures and wiring, with not a peep about ambiance or Ken’s sh*t from days of yore, until the camera crew are done waiting, and start wrapping up.
Just then, Sandy wakes up, pops an Adderall, lets in the camera guy, and calls.
Lisa says he sounds like he just woke up. Tom pretends he was just taking a siesta, then asks if the gang can come for a ‘progress party’ at the building site. Lisa is concerned, but Tom explains it will build excitement and a sense of connectedness, so she agrees. Then Tom tells her James and Kristen may or may not have slept together. Lisa couldn’t think of anything worse, but is not surprised. She says, “I think the only recipe Kristen Doute knows is the recipe for disaster.”
Now Jax asks Brit-Brit to leave him alone, so he can call Kelsey. KFC takes off to put on a sh*t-ton of makeup, or at least start to, in Stassi’s room. Stassi says,”KFC is a motherfucking saint. If Jax ever tried to kick me out of the room to do some sh*t called Reiki, I’d hit him with a rake.”
They joke that maybe Jax is facetiming some other ho, then KFC interviews that she doesn’t know what he does in these sessions. She knows Kelsey taps on him and tries to calm him down, but weed does the same thing.
Back to Jax and Kelsey. Kelsey urgently wants to make sure that Jax is taking time for himself. He tells her he’s being attacked from all sides. Now Kelsey does a truly amazing thing — she compares Jax to Nelson Mandela. “It’s like Nelson Mandela,” she says. “He could have chosen to see the badness of what was happening to him, or he could have done what he did, which is see what he’s going to do after all of these moments that are not maybe the best right now.” Jax and Nelson Mandela: two bros that can relate.
Before you go thinking otherwise, Jax knows who Nelson Mandela is. He went to jail for a long time, and was fighting for something. The rights of the providence, that’s it. Also, he was from the country of Africa. And he was in Oprah’s book club, that Jax knows for sure.
Kelsey wants Jax to remember he has the power to create and manifest the life that he wants, just like Nelson Mandela. She tells him that for the next few weeks his decision is that he’s not going to make any decision. Then she says she’s really, really proud of him, as are we all. Jax says, “Love you, talk to you in about a week or so.”
Kelsey say, “Okay, sounds good, honey,” and Jax blows her a kiss. How sweet. Now Jax’s ego is pumped way up into the stratosphere, alongside all the esteemed members of Oprah’s book club.
The gang packs up and flies back to WeHo, where Carter and Kristen hit Real Food Daily for some organic, vegan Albariño, a beer, and a Caesar salad. They have this tense conversation where Carter says he’s never been to Playa del Carmen, and Kristen says she’s glad she went all by herself, because now ‘they’ know what it’s like. Oh, and everything was fine.
“But,” Kristen goes on, “James created a rumor. We all went back to Jax and Brittany’s place, and then we left around, like, sevennnn… something? Then Schwartz and James and I, we went to the beach, Schwartz jumped in the pool, James and I went to the beach, he went in the ocean…”
“You and James walked to the beach together?” sighs Carter.
“Yeah. Yes, and then something was said. At golf.” She tells him that of course Sandoval was the one who played detective and asked if James messed around with Kristen, and James’s reaction was, “A little bit,” or “Yes, maybe a little.” We can’t help but notice her version is slightly different than James’s, in that they walked, rather than rode bikes, to the beach, which would leave them less time at the beach.
Carter says, “Dude, you’re pissing me off right now,” and Kristen would be so furious if he did what she did. Then he brings up the Beemer Boink. Kristen moans that she’s never going to live that down. “I have no fucking credibility,” she sighs. Carter says her track record doesn’t speak too highly for him to believe her, and he’s going to have a ‘chat’ with Sandoval. You know, just hang out, have a ciggy.
“There was no cheating going on,” she insists.
“Then we won’t have an issue,” says Carter.
Back at SUR, Schænə and Lala clock in, then Lisa comes in and asks what she’s done with her lips. Lala says she sucks on this bottle cap thing, and she sucked it for way too long. Lisa says, “Laaalaaaaa,” so Lalz assures her its not permanent, and there’s nothing injected. Then she shows this truly horrifying pic of what they look like when she’s fresh from making out with her vacuum cleaner.
Lisa freaks the f*ck out, then asks about the trip. Lalz says she had the best time, and on the first night she and Stassi went at Jax at dinner like hyenas. She tells Lisa about Jax dropping the bomb that he’s trying to move Brittany to Florida, so he can do social media for some hockey team.
“What on earth are you talking about?” gasps Lisa.
“Thank you, Lisa, I was so confused,” says Lala. She explains Jax may be moving, and Lisa says, “Alright, things are looking up!” She interviews that she’s not really paying much attention, because Jax says a lot of things. For instance, he told Lisa he was going to be a bartender, and he didn’t do that, either. Lisa says she can’t take seriously anything that comes out of those lips, so Lala promises she won’t look like a duck when they open.
In come James, with Raquel in tow, to set up for See You Next Tuesday. Raquel gives him a loving peck on the lips, and James says, “I didn’t do anything, I would never cheat on you.” Raquel tells him, “Just be smart about it.”
Meanwhile, Jax and KFC jump in his Mustang and head for work. KFC asks about Florida, and Jax says Kelsey told him not to think about it for two weeks. KFC says she wants him to think about her, too. He says of course he’s thinking about her, and actually, he’s decided this would be the greatest thing for her. “The cost of living is lower there, and I’ll be making more money,” he squeaks, while scratching his nose.
He says he’s been here for 15 years, and she’s been here for about two minutes. She corrects him that she’s been in L.A. for two years, and she’s got great friends who think she’s the greatest thing ever, m’kay?
Jax asks if her boyfriend Adam will be there. She says, “Stop. He’s actually just a nice guy.” Jax says there’s no such thing as nice guys, and Adam should know his role, which is about 20 steps behind Old Man Jax. KFC is really enjoying Jax’s jealousy.
Over at Katie and Tom’s, Katie waits for Stassi to arrive, so they can go over some details for Katie’s Pucker & Pout party. Stassi arrives, and they run down the list. There will be a step and repeat, a photo booth, and signature cocktails, which will be sure to impress the bigwigs in the beauty industry who’ll be in attendance.
They talk about Kristen. Stassi says she made it way bigger than it needed to be. She says she’d just laugh it off if it happened to her, and accuse the guy of being on drugs. Katie says this kind of situation definitely sucks, but at the end of the day, who cares? Schwa interviews that he doesn’t believe they banged on the beach as the sun rose, but maybe like, uh, “just the tip”. Stassi is of the Iago school of thought, and thinks Kristen doth protest too much.
She interviews that if she caught Patrick in Mexico with his ex girlfriend, she’d start planning a murder that wouldn’t happen for two years, which would involve the construction of a water-tight tin foil cone into which she’d pour water, then freeze it, and use the foil-covered icicle as an ‘ice pick’, to stab both of them. Then the icicle would melt, she’d crumple up the tin foil, and there’d be no murder weapon — just a detailed confession on TV.
Like Patrick didn’t shtup whomever he pleased while Stassi was away.
Over at SUR, Lisa cracks the whip at Wesley, who can’t find the pink Vanderpump Rosé box. Then she checks in with Schænə, who’s chuckling while spit-shining some fogged-up, grimy-looking water glasses with a napkin. Schænə says Mexico was great, and her divorce was just finalized six days ago, and now she and Rob are picking out baby names, and shopping for houses.
Now she tells Lisa about her little scheme to set Brittany up with Adam, to get back at Jax for spreading a false rumor about Rob, which she claims Jax admitted to making up because he was mad at her. Lisa says Schænə’s treading on thin ice, because although Jax has no morals, he has a huge ego, and therefore this will go horribly wrong.
The night has begun, and Lala shows up early off work, to support her boy this See You Next Tuesday.
Over at the bar, Jax says Adam just walked in, and he’ll be right back. Sandy interviews that he knows if some guy was maybe aggressively pursuing Ariana, like that would ever happen to Stalker McStalky with the bangin’ hoo-ha, he’d probably confront that guy. Jax interviews, “What are you doing here? You’re not even scheduled to work. That’s ballsy.”
“I’ll make this short and sweet,” says Jax. “So I guess that you have a crush on my girlfriend?” Adam looks at Jax with those piercing baby blues, and we cut to break, so we have to wait for the answer, which is, “Of course not. Are you delusional? Hahaha!”
Okay, we’re back. Jax guesses that Adam has a crush on Brit. Adam smirks, and says, “No. No, not at all.” Nope, not even close. Schænə just made that up, then asked Adam out to be nice to KFC, so the poor, dejected bumpkin could feel pretty for a night, and being that Adam is a nice guy (who wants to be on TV), he did.
Jax, who clearly is in need of a hearing aid, has all the proof he needs. But first he has to take an alpha-male stance and show Adam who’s boss, so he tries to adjust his seat higher, but can’t figure out how to work the damned thing, so he decides to stand, hovering menacingly over Adam. Jax says, “I have nothing against you, you’re a nice guy who came to my house and told Schænə you had a crush on Brittany, okay?” Which is fine with Jax, because she’s hot.
But, Jax says, Adam has to understand that they’re together. Adam says, “No, 100%.” Then he tells Jax it was the night they were at Jax’s house. Yes, right there at Jax’s house, right under the noses of him and his dogs, and his by no means candy-cane household, he and Schænə were texting about meeting up with Hot Stuff behind Jax’s back.
Jax interviews, “Are you f*cking kidding me?!” Then he says he wishes Adam had made like a bro and pulled him aside, to squeal on Schænə. Adam says he’s not about getting people in trouble, even if they’re girls.
So due to bro code, Jax is more mad at Schænə than Adam. He trashes Schænə about her Rob-session, but Adam doesn’t take the bait. They hug it out, and Adam gives Jax what he wants, a big ol’ straight-faced “Yes sir.”
Back inside, Ariana interviews that she intends to make a bed-load of tips, and roll around on them like Scrooge McDuck of Duck Tails. She gets up on the bar and starts gyrating around, twerking and rubbing people’s wallets against her glorious vagina.
Sandy is so hot for Ariana right now, he just wishes everyone would leave. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! Meanwhile, Katie, KFC, Scheana and The Claw sit down for shots.
Now Jax comes up to KFC and says she needs to talk to Adam, because he’s telling Jax a whole different story. So let’s find out what Jax ‘heard’ during his conversation with Adam. Apparently, Jax thinks Adam said, “That was all planned,” and they were texting each other all night. KFC says she didn’t know about that, and all Schænə was trying to do was make KFC feel better.
Jax says “Really? You’re okay with that?! You’re okay with a friend going behind my back and trying to set you up with somebody else?” KFC keeps repeating, “Nothing came from it,” like that makes it alright to go out on pretend dates behind your boyfriend’s back. Then he starts ranting about Schænə, calling her ‘Divorco’, and a loser at love who can’t keep a man.
KFC interviews, “Everybody better stand clear, because the Jax train’s coming.” Jax says she should talk to Schænə, but she says she shouldn’t have to, because she’s not the one who’s upset.
Now Ariana sits down with James, Raquel and Lala. She has a very important question for James. “James, I have to ask you one question,” she says, “Where did the pillows by Jax’s pool come from?” Lala rolls her eyes and Raquel laughs.
“Oh my God, the pillows, so funny!” exclaims James. He says he was so drunk, he remembers asking Jax if he could sleep out there, then he put the pillows down, so he could ‘sleep’, but he didn’t after all, because Schwa was with them the entire time.
Schænə says, “Oh my god, that’s not the way he described it to me AT ALL!” James asks if they’re going to believe Jax, then says he was the only one in the jacuzzi. Kristen was listening to Fleetwood Mac on her phone, and Schwartz was talking to him about the bar. James truly believes Jax is doing this to take the heat off himself.
Now Jax sits down with Schænə, to go over their respective scripts before any pesky reality creeps into the picture. He says he talked to Adam, and he forgives the poor lovelorn boy’s crush on KFC, because if he were single, he’d hit that, too, but his problem is, Schænə did a very bad thing. Katie jumps in and takes Schænə’s side, then Schænə interviews, “It doesn’t matter, Jax fucked up, karma’s a bitch.”
Jax confronts James and Lala at the DJ booth, when in walk Lisa and Ken. Lisa compliments James’s look, and Ken comes up to shake his hand. Jax is so busy shouting, he doesn’t greet Lisa immediately, but when he tries to hug her, she rejects him. At this point, he shouts, “I’m tired of everyone flipping the goddamned script on me!”
“What do you mean?” asks Lisa.
“Flipping the f*cking script! Fuck you all! Fuck you all! F*cking lying goddamned sacks of sh*t!” shouts Jax. “You know what? I’m gonna run around saying I was drunk, I was drunk, and I’m gonna fuck whatever I want, too!” Lala shouts, “Honey, you’re not drunk, and you put your pee pee in everybody that walks!” Lisa tries to calm Jax down, then Jax pouts, “It’s not fair.” Ken says calmly, “It might not be fair, but I don’t want you shouting and screaming about it, either.”
Lisa interviews, “I mean of all the places that you choose to have a meltdown, why choose the place that has paid your bills for the last seven years?” She tells Jax to go outside, and she has absolutely no interest in anything he has to say right now. He calls her a dumb-ass, then flips her out from the hostess station behind her back.
James cries, “Oh my God!” Lisa turns around and scolds Jax that she’s had hundreds of employees, and she’s never had anybody speak to her that way. “You’re arrogant and you’re obnoxious, and you’re acting like a little fucking baby,” she says. Jax whines that she’s not listening to him, to which she says, “I don’t like what I’m hearing, how about that. I’m telling you, leave now.”
Sandy goes out to try to calm him down, but Jax tears off his mic pack while ranting about how James confessed at golf, and how can Sandy be buddy-buddies with him? He mocks Sandy grotesquely, with flapping hands and lilting tone. Sandy says, “What, am I not supposed to be his friend anymore?”
That does it. Jax is off, punching a phone booth as he strides righteously into the night.
Next on VPR, it’s the Pucker & Pout party, Carter confronts Sandy, and Jax pulls the ol’ “you deserve better” on KFC.
Till then, Trashies…
Want more TrashTalk? Follow us on Twitter for updates of recaps as they publish, like us on Facebook for a daily update, watch our TV parody vids on YouTube, or for funny TV pics, heart us on Instagram, and get the occasional gif on Tumblr!