Hello, hello, hello. MissKitty here to recap episode two of Southern Charm, aka “the most awkward dinner party ever!” I have to say, this show is stepping up its game; in prior seasons, this dinner party would have been the finale. We have the KDenn/Ashley meeting. We have newly-broken-up Naomie and Craig sharing an emotional moment. We have Chels busting Austin’s balls (always a pleasure), Cam comically waddling around, and of course the best scene ever… Naomie (with some back up) rips into JD the likes of which I haven’t seen since the bloodthirsty boars in Hannibal. It. was. AWESOME.
“Welcome, JD- Go sit at the end over there”
As always, I have to bow down to my amazing commenters- especially lilcinboise, who unearthed some juicy juice on our least favorite Fembot, Ashley. It’s soooo gooood. And absolutely, 100% PERFECT. Let’s get on to it…
I love the ominous rendition of The Birds and the Bees and the One-Two-Threes. I never thought that perky song could sound so foreboding. What MissKitty finds foreboding is the raw chicken oozing all over the fucking grill, infecting every other meat product, along with three drunk oafs putting everything out in a sweltering kitchen.
YUM! Can I get some raw chicken juice?
Fembot and Thomas are on their way over, and Thomas slur/asks her if she likes the new nanny. At least that’s what I think he asked. He’s going to need subtitles soon.
Wirr did ah put mah keys? Mmmnnnlll what’re you lookin’ at?”
Fembot mewls in a passive-aggressive way “I don’t understand why Kathryn has to approve the new nanny.” Um.. Hey, let me see if I can puzzle this out for you, you dizzy twat: Kathryn is their MOM. That lurching paycheck you pretend to like fucking doesn’t get to control everything. And here’s where (if you all haven’t seen this already) we reveal the best, most apropos fact about this empty ninny: She’s a TRUMP SUPPORTER. Proudly. Even sporting a MAGA hat on her Instagram. I may be alienating .00045% of my audience, but MissKitty? Not a fan. And it’s not just the lawsuits, the lying, the traitorous boner for Putin, the pussy-grabbing, the rambling dementia, the Banana Republic nepotism, the golfing, the horrible unbidden image of him naked probably looking like a Fluffernutter sandwich. It’s the utter incompetence. The bottom of the barrel, embarrassing fuckwits populating the White House. So, yeah, when I had my knee-jerk dislike of Ashley, I was worried that she would be actually a good person who sends money to save elephants, and I’d have to be nicer. But it’s open season! I am fully free to clown this trick bitch. Phew! Okay, MissKitty went off on a tangent, which could have been boiled down to Shut up, Ashley.
With naked ambition gleaming, she suggests to Thomas that the problem could be solved by them just getting married. Thomas is too wily for that, and smirks that Kathryn wouldn’t like that either. Speaking of, Kathryn says she is worried about dating, being embarrassed by her stretch marks. Naomie defends her. Dude- Who wouldn’t want Naomie as a BFF?! I love seeing the women this season really having each other’s backs. Andy Cohen must be pulling out his hair, since by now The Real Housewives would have already had a screaming match reminiscent of sea gulls on a pier.
TRav and Fembot arrive, and check out the party planner’s expression hahahaha!
The men greet her warmly, because yeah. Men. Meanwhile, Fembot attaches herself to Cam.
THHTTTTPTT “Let me adhere myself to you like a desperate barnacle”
Shep sweetly escorts Cam up the stairs (funny- you’d think someone who is a NURSE would offer to do that, but what do I know). Cam squeals over Shep’s renovations of his beach house. She says that if Shep put the same effort into himself as he does his properties, he’d be a perfect ten. She asks Craig if he came with a date. Craig is typically unfazed by the question.
“You want to kill WHICH one of my family again?”
No, but he gives a sweet answer- that it would be kind of a dick move to bring a date when it’s the first time they’re seeing each other and it’s in front of all their friends. Cam looks confused. Craig would drive me crazy in approximately 17 hours into a relationship, but MissKitty thinks he’s a genuinely nice guy. Naomie is getting nervous in the car, and interviews that she was very affected by the break up, but Craig seemed to recover right away.
FEEL YOU, GIRL!
Whitney asks Austin if he and Chels are still an item, and Austin admits no, because he started seeing one of Chelsea’s friends. Whitney looks like “Are you a fucking moron?”
Tip. When this Madame Tussaud vampire looks at you like you’re a dumbass, you really are a dumbass.
Chels herself relates seeing Austin being “touchy feely” with her friend, and Danni is all of us in the car.
Danni is giving the best face this season
Cam asks if Chelsea is coming, and Shep says that Naomie, Chelsea, Danni and Kathryn are all coming.
“The Breakup Bunch?” TRav interjects, proudly saying that that was the name JD came up with. Well, yeah, takes one to know one, swindler.
Haven’t you broken up with like 867 women since 1972, Drunky?
The girls are now on a roll in the car, and now they are going off about JD and Thomas whining that Elizabeth came and “banged on the door” one night. KDenn is pissed that the guys act like women are crazy, when it’s their dumbasses that make the women crazy by their piss-poor behavior.
Danni asks the $1 Million question. “Why are men so narcissistic?” Now, would it be a better look if she didn’t ask that while making up her face? Maybe. But girlfriend is asking a valid question. One MissKitty has wondered, herself (having gone through a recent breakup herself).
Chels says she’s going to be single for life.
Back at the party, Fembot is hanging on Thomas, offering funny stories, interesting insights and fascinating conversation. HA! Just kidding. She’s performing her duty of being a smiling blow up doll/girlfriend experience. Craig and Shep are still bickering about the meat, and a befuddled Whitney is caught in the middle, comically carrying a tray. I don’t know if it’s his glasses, or his general air of humiliation, but I’m enjoying him as a peripheral, diminished character.
“Thnkyu’f’litting me filmwyou; I’ll currr this m’tray” Translation: Thank you for letting me film with you; I’ll carry this meat tray
The girls arrive, and we are “treated” to Thomas and Ashley smooching, probably preceded by a cooing flat atonal “hi baby”. The bartender’s sweaty exhausted face is MissKitty having to screen grab them. Say it with him:
Shut up, Ashley
The foursome stride into the place like a gang (YES!) and Thomas breaks into a beaming smile, anticipating the tizzy he’s going to throw Kathryn into, since he is still obsessed with her. Fembot feels it, obviously:
Do you need some Gatorade?
PS- Who the FUCK over the age of 17 sticks her hand in her boyfriend’s pants pocket? As Thomas hones in on Kathryn, Ashley whines “why are you so far away from me?” Hahahahahaha!!!! She begs him to not let go of her hand. “Okay” Thomas halfheartedly agrees. Oooo- He’s SO not over KDenn. “Hey Kathryn” he yells as she tries to trot by him (hahahahaha!). She acts distracted and disinterested and in a rush. He coaxes her over, kisses her, and then she leaves him hanging, which is amazing and I laughed out loud.
She totally just left him hanging. Ah hahahaha!
She and Ashley finally meet face to face! As a fellow woman (and Leo), I assure you-on the surface KDenn is being cordial. But this is what is really happening:
Ashley is being sized up as FUUUUCK
“Nice to meet you, Kathryn”
Austin says hi to Chels, and Naomie and Craig have a stilted hello. Naomie groans to Whitney that the situation is so awkward. Whitney, as if startled into the present, laughs. Ashley practically fingers Craig’s dick, complimenting his apron. Naomie eye-rolls. And here’s another thing I’m picking up off Ashley- she’s the type who is all about getting the attention of men and is a total snatch to other women. We women all recognize the type. We ALL do. Chels talks to Austin, and he dumbly points out how hot Ashley is, backpedaling that he’s not really looking, as Chels (and everyone in a 50 mile radius) eye rolls. One thing is clear….
Austin may not have the stones to end up with Chelsea, but he is in total AWE
Cam is hangry, and the girls all pester Craig asking when the food will be ready. Kathryn’s birthday gift is a picture of “home” spelled out in nautical flags, which is a thoughtful gift for Shep. Shep tells Naomie that she looks fantastic. Naomie cites the break up diet. YEP. MissKitty vouches. Shep tells her that Craig says nothing but nice things about her. He goes on to add that it would be nice to honor the good experiences they had and become friends. It’s actually a great philosophy. Naomie interviews that Shep can give her advice on drinking but not relationship advice.
Wellllll… girlfriend does have a point
Naomie looks longingly at Craig, and lo and behold, TRav seems to have gotten away from Ashley to come talk to Kathryn. She’s not far behind, of course, and she latches onto Naomie when she finds out Naomie used to live in California. Naomie remembered big spiders, and Thomas interjects that Ashley doesn’t like big bugs. Danni and Kathryn’s expressions basically match, and it’s hilarious.
“Please; tell us more. This is RIVETING”
“Yes. Please tell me more, too”
Hahahaha. Every season, our good friend, the terrifying, huge, scuttling Carolina Wolf Spider makes an appearance. It’s a MissKitty staple. And it’s also why she slept with socks pulled over leggings and socks on her hands, waking and flailing periodically while vacationing on Kiawah Island, South Carolina. KDenn is not impressed and proclaims Ashley “dumb as a rock”
Thomas drunkenly gropes Ashley, who giggles and loudly draws attention to it, and Kathryn (and America) identifies it correctly as “Gross”.
While Shep is asking about the burgers, the soon-to-be “guest of honor” ::SNORT:: ::FORESHADOWING:: arrives.
Welcome. You’re about to get nut-punched.
JD cackles and JD’s all over the place, which when no one knew he was a sleazeball and a liar was adorable, but now it’s like a dog bounding in, jumping up, and lifting its leg on the furniture. Dude. If everyone knows you’ve disgraced yourself, MAYBE don’t come in like a fucking one-man-band. Naomie already looks annoyed.
Chels reveals that the girls all think he’s a “lying sack of shit” to Austin, who looks shocked. Naomie tersely says she needs to get away from JD, and Danni, KDenn and Chels convene outside to rehash (hahaha- the BEST!). KDenn relays Thomas’s awkward side hug, and we’re treated to a hysterical montage of faces over Ashley’s “nice to meet you”
Haha. Say what you want, but KDenn is authentic when she doesn’t like someone
Ashley transparently comes to blab at Cam, who is heavily pregnant, sweaty and HUNGRY. Ashley- SHOCKER- reads the room probably as well as she has read anything in her life, as she burbles to Cam’s unamused face.
“If you aren’t bringing me a plate, shut the fuck up”
Ashley is definitely picking the wrong people to whine to- Cam is exhausted, and Whitney has become the irrelevant distant cousin’s uncle on this series; also, neither of them give a rat’s ass.
Naomie compliments Kathryn on her stoicism in the face of the TRav and Ashley show, and Kathryn admits she still loves Thomas. Um. In his weird fucked up way, I think it’s mutual, but what do I know.
Food is finally served! And it looks really good, actually. Everyone keeps asking Craig where things are supposed to go, and Craig keeps repeating that it’s not his party. Everyone grabs their plates and makes their way downstairs.
Funnily, Cam is sitting at the table by herself chowing down. She interviews that food is like a drug to her, and when you’re pregnant, you eat “like Roseanne” Or even when you AREN’T pregnant… not that MissKitty is saying anything ::tugs collar::
“Just give me the damn food”
JD asks Cam if she loves being pregnant.
The answer is “no”
Naomie admits she’s almost cried a few times. They make their way to the table, but not before TRav stares creepily at Kathryn. She comes over, and he slurs how good she looks.
“Ah’m goin’ to leer at your boobs naow”
They exchange pleasantries, and Thomas mutters that he was supposed to train the new nanny tonight, or he wasn’t sure, and Kathryn is understandably puzzled, since their agreement was that they would confer on any new nannies.
“Say what now?”
Kathryn keeps admirable composure and calmly explains as one would to a moron or a child that she’s disappointed, because she was under the impression that she would be consulted. Thomas is floored (um… I’ll be honest, I was too) by her reasonable tone and clear communication.
Good for you, girl
Thomas asks where this Kathryn was before. Um… DUMBASS- SHE WAS 21 YEARS OLD. Also?
Not over her
While Kathryn gives Thomas a sweet hug and they actually seem to be relating to each other well, here comes Ashley (the editors here RULE with their Debbie Downer-esque music), again, reading the room like a pro.
WTG, Helen Keller
She tells Kathryn she’s heard so much about her, as Kathryn hilariously interviews:
“Really bitch? Because I’ve heard ZIP about you. Nice to meet you.”
Ashley does (I admit) try to be civil and respectful, and tells Kathryn her children are beautiful. Kathryn is taken aback, and says she didn’t know Thomas had a new girlfriend. “I thought I told you” Thomas drones. Then shrugs. He’s such a piece of shit. Kathryn admits it’s catching her off guard, and Ashley says they’ll be seeing a lot of each other and hugs her. Kathryn walks off. Compared to her in years past, Kathryn handled that like a BOSS.
Shep gives a typical Shep toast, and it breaks the tension and makes everyone laugh. Shep and Craig debate the worst food to eat on a first date. Craig says spaghetti. Naomie laughs. She admits that even though she and Craig aren’t together, she’d still want to kill his new girlfriend and her family (LOL damn girl)- she argues that it’s a normal feeling, and then amends it to “normal-ish”.
Then, the seedlings of the most fantastically awkward scene are scattered, as JD hee haws with Shep about dating, and how JD can’t date yet. Shep opens his present, a blanket with Gentry on it. The girls are NOT amused- ESPECIALLY Naomie.
Thunder… feel the thunder….
GLORIOUSLY, JD guffaws and Naomie mimics him. And it. is. EVERYTHING.
Girl you rock
Cam and Shep go upstairs and sit. Craig joins them. Cam asks Craig about his feelings about Naomie. Craig sums it up perfectly- he wishes it would have worked, but it just didn’t. We’ve all been there, haven’t we? There’s one relationship that on paper and even in retrospect seems should have worked. But it didn’t. Meanwhile Ashley invites Thomas up to the bathroom (?) and while Craig is trying to explain his relationship, Shep is incredulous that Ashley and Thomas went into the bathroom.
Craig notices them laughing and very funnily proclaims “Ah young love” causing Cam and Shep to lose it harder. That’s why I’ll always love Craig a little- he once in a while says something so witty and perfect.
JD is talking about his separation while Naomie and Chels eye roll, and Naomie is practically squirming. When JD says “I love Elizabeth”, Naomie audibly scoffs. It’s fucking AMAZEBALLS! As JD digs his grave further about not wanting to be in [a bad] position with Elizabeth, Naomie can’t take anymore and asks, “Really?”
The rest of the table is nervous and awkward, and Naomie icily asks him why Elizabeth isn’t there. He answers “because I’m here”. Naomie says “Yeah. No shit”. He asks her what he should do- and she answers “be a better husband” HOLY SHITBALLS!!!
Not gonna lie; that would be my expression too
Then it is ON. Naomie tells JD that she goes over to Elizabeth’s house and picks her up out of bed. She listens to her crying. She knows he’s out fucking 20 year olds, because she knows who they are. JD is sputtering like a huge wasp that just got hit with a spray of poison and is staggering around. While Naomie and JD argue about whether he’s gone out with other women, Chelsea pipes up- “And you’re a con artist”
JD is then tag teamed by KDenn, Danni, Chels and Naomie and I’m enjoying the HELL out of it. About time! Some of this is probably mis-directed anger, but I think this has been simmering in the women of Charleston for a long-ass time.
Then Naomie drops the motherfucking hammer. She tells JD that he’s not fooling anyone with the “Golden boy” act and that everyone at the table knows he’s a piece of shit.
JD skulks off like the same dog that got reprimanded, and has his tail tucked. Thomas and Ashley emerge from the bathroom, and Shep, Craig and Cam all laugh.
The foursome next gang up on Austin who is practically also submissively peeing, and Whitney comes upstairs to tattle to Craig that his ex went off on JD. Naomie interviews that she is surprised no one else has come down on JD before, and Craig goes down to talk to her. Surprisingly, and rather touchingly, he’s on her side.
They have a heart-to-heart, and it’s a little hard to watch.
You two are killing me!
It’s sad, actually. They love each other, but they can’t be with each other.
It’s the next morning. Shep comes out to a disaster of yellow-jacket-infested meat, Chels works out, Craig checks his phone, Cam watches a baby bouncy seat, and Naomie and Kathryn sip coffee together and do a post-mortem of the evening. KDenn gives Naomie props and she revisits how painful it was to be the “crazy one” when it was Thomas who was doing manipulative bullshit and controlling the narrative.
Sorry, doubters- that body language is authentic. She got put through the ringer
Let’s revisit shall we? Thomas was a FIFTY YEAR OLD, wealthy, worldly, and Kathryn was a 21 year old. An anxious, especially immature one at that. Of COURSE there was a disparity. Of course.
Speak of the old coot- he and Ashley go out. Apparently, Ashley is incapable of wearing an outfit that covers her ass completely. Thomas orders for them, and we see the slightest bit of defiance from his Fembot when he tries to order Mescal Shooters. She insists on white wine. She’s certainly pleasing to the eyes. She is a benign smiling companion. But she’s boring. SO boring. She tells Thomas that she wants him to be attracted to HER. He shrugs. Uh oh. She says she is asking him to not ask her to dye her hair red. Good job, genius. Remind him. Good thinking.
“Thants for remahndin’ me. I lev Kathryn”
Thomas says Kathryn doesn’t want him (okay; keep saying that), but she doesn’t want Ashley to “win”. He sagely says that women just are competitive and “don’t want to lose”.
The only self-aware thing he’s ever done. Oh wait. He’s still being an asshole. Never mind.
Ashley asks if Thomas wishes it had worked out. He says “If she had been sweet and nice to me, we’d still be together”
“Even I’m smart enough to see that as kind of an insult”
So…What did you guys think? Did you relish Naomie’s takedown as much as I did?? Do you think Thomas and Ashley actually fucked in the bathroom, or did the producers want them out of the way for JD’s spanking? Next week looks GOOD- can’t wait!
As usual, let me know your thoughts
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