TrashTalkCeleb: DWTS, Shannon Baedor, Janice Dickinson, Will Ferrell, Khloe Kardashian, Courtney Stodden, Britney Spears
Us – Some Exciting News for My Parents
The cast of the upcoming “All-Athletes” season of Dancing with the Stars (Season 26) was announced this morning on Good Morning America, and maybe I’m reaching here but did we have like some sort of globally organized winter games event recently? It just seems weird that half of the cast are people what do snow sports. It’s almost as if ABC is only hosting this season so they’ll have a reason to put Adam Rippon on TV. Also on this upcoming season will be Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Oscar-winning actress Tonya Harding. I will watch once (ONCE), and if either Adam Rippon doesn’t do something flagrantly gay with Mike Pence’s name in rhinestones on his jacket, or I don’t see Jeff Gillooly in the audience, I’m out. Anyway, the 2018 Winter Olympics Part II: Now With More Bergeron premieres Monday, April 30 on ABC.
Page Six – This Isn’t Stress. It’s
Vicki Gunvalson an Exciting Business Opportunity.
Big news for DAY-VEDD’s ex-wife, Shannon Baedor: everyone’s favorite schizophrenic crystal witch is taking charge of her weight issues, which were definitely most certainly absolutely 100% caused by Vicki Gunvalson, her snake-like tongue, and nothing else, by starting a new healthy food line. What a proud day this is for Shannon, now that she’s completed the final step in the intrepid Real Housewife Actualization Process by “starting a business” (aka, slapping her name on something that’s already been built and shilling it for 15 minutes on QVC). The Already Built Thing Shannon slapped her name on and will shill for 15 minutes on QVC is called Real for Real Cuisine, and offers an array of frozen meals under 450 calories each. Oh I get it! Real, like all the chemicals and preservatives that go into what is essentially Lean Cuisine. By the way, Shannon is eager to point out that she signed this deal six weeks after completing her divorce, which is also totally the result of Vicki being an emotional lunatic – not Shannon.
Next time you’re offered a dish of anything except Shannon’s Real for Real delicacies, remember the response for which proper etiquette calls:
Jezebel – Janice Dickinson: Unlikely Person You’d Want On Your Side in Court
Jezebel, the site you’d assume to cover the Bill Cosby rape trial with all the sordid, unforgiving scrutiny it deserves, is doing just that. Here’s their coverage from Janice Dickinson’s testimony, which was delivered yesterday in Norristown, Pennsylvania. Normally, Janice’s signature brand of delusional screaming and self adulation is a chore, particularly when you watch it unfold on reality TV in front of skinny scared 19-year-olds, Omarosa, or a plastic surgeon. But here, in a trial of Bill Cosby, unleashed in its full fury? [kisses fingers like a chef]
God bless you, Janice, World’s First Supermodel™.
TMZ – Great Odin’s Raven!
Oh no! Will Ferrell was in a sewwwwwper bad car accident last night and his chauffeur-driven SUV flipped off the road. 🙁 Will was rushed to the hospital along with a female passenger who was “bleeding profusely.” He was coming back from a Funny Or Die event in San Diego, where he made an appearance as Ron Burgundy. His condition is unknown, but he’ll probably be OK (he was upright and on the phone as paramedics wheeled him into an ambulance).
Here’s hoping Will is back on the mend and Tanking It Up soon.
People – Literally This is All So Disgusting
I don’t have the energy to make a joke about this because seriously I just find it all so brutally tiresome and unnecessary. And I say that as a Kardashian apologist.
Listen, I genuinely! actually! like! the Kardashians! While they are the paradigm of American materialism and Hollywood superficiality, I still think they have hearts. Big glossy hearts slathered in rhinestones and roses and lip kits, but the hearts – they are there. So it really pains me to see them experience the kind of year that seems to have been orchestrated by some mysterious overseer who may or may not be their mother, cranking out babies in even the most inauspicious conditions (like borderline teen motherhood and under the shadow of a philandering boyfriend). I hate that Khloe’s first week with her first child is clouded by public mockery because her dumbshit baby daddy let a girl stroke his dick at a hookah bar a few days ago. This is all just too much. It’s too gross. These are women with tiny children. If they can’t stop self-promoting themselves (and really, I don’t think it’s the girls’ faults), can we at least stop watching for a bit? I’m finally joining the Kamp of Keeping Away from the Kardashians, at least for the time being.
InTouch – Rill Itchy Memorial Courtney Stodden Update: April 13, 2018
It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single woman, in possession of a severe mental disorder and a series of marital misfortunes behind her, must be in want of an alternate persona. This theorem best explains the state of our Dame Courtney Stodden, who has of late taken to YouTube and Instagram to explore different noms de plum, creating for herself a cadre of curious characters under which to escape the horrible obligations of this mortal realm. Here, InTouch has taken a survey.
Just Jared – Q: Will I Ever Stop Loving Britney?
A: no. Ricky Martin presented Brit Brit with the Vanguard Award at the GLAAD Media Awards last night and in typical fashion, she showed up looking majorly foxy but still unavoidably sloppy at the same time. Like, she clearly tried to look decent, but the real effort was probably made last night for a different party, was then worn to bed, and wasn’t too disheveled not to wear to this thing the next day. It’s one of the things I love about Britney. Even when she’s on top, with a banging body and a healthy lifestyle and not paying for Kevin Federline’s nightclub for pit bulls, there’s just always this need I feel to pass Britney a comb or a make-up wipe. And then sit down and drink a glass of wine as I watch her throw fashion shows for herself or paint flowers on her porch. If that’s a no-go, I’m fine just Googling gifs of Britney reactions, which are second only to cats falling in water.
Remember to work this weekend, Trashies.
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