Last week, Sonja got ready for her sex play. Luann and Ramona talked about the ramifications of climate change on indigenous populations in Australia. Dorinda is still mad at Sonja and Carole thinks she’s Rachel Maddow’s intern.
This week’s episode starts with lots of aerial shots of NYC. Our first stop is Sonja’s house so we may also be getting lots of areola shots. Sonja orders chocolate via intercom from Assistant Number 6, Connor. She asks for it at his “earliest”. You know you’re privileged when you leave entire words off of a sentence but people know what you mean.
Tinsley arrives as Sonja’s new roommate. She brought her own foam pillow so she doesn’t pick up scabies or whatever is lurking in the townhouse furnishings. Sonja says she and Tinsley met at the charities she’s started. Don’t ever mention that to Shannon Beador. Sonja says that she and Tinsley are the same person since they’re both big hearted. They’d be more alike if Tinsley is as open-legged.
Sonja warns Tinsley not to take the elevator “physically”.
“Spiritual trips are fine.”
They start talking about Tinsley’s move back to New York and whether she should settle uptown or downtown. Sonja says that there are a lot of young girls downtown. I’m not sure if she’s saying there’s too much competition or if she wants to start a fight club. Tinsley is willing to date a tech guy and Sonja is shocked. I don’t get the shock. Are tech guys not rich enough? Or are they overly critical of Sonja’s Blackberry.
Bethenny is dressed as some kind of wild cat. She call herself an alley cat but her tail is a totally different pattern than the rest of her costume. She’s some kind of experiment and needs to be in an ASPCA commercial. Or maybe she wants to be Kirstie Alley’s cat so she can snuggle up in her bosom. All that money and she couldn’t get matching animal prints or a good wig? This costume came straight from a Walgreens dumpster. Or Sonja’s Dress for Success donation. Bethenny just wants Carole to say something positive.
Carole: Are you going out?
Bethenny: I wanted positive but I’ll settle for dumb.
Ramona arrives so the original Tom Tattletalers can reunite. Ramona refuses to take off her shoes when asked because she doesn’t feel goo without shoes. Someone is gellin’. Bethenny doesn’t want her dogs kicked or stepped on but since Bethenny never personally told Ramona that she got new dogs, Ramona doesn’t care. In fact, she kicks one. Bethenny points out that she just proved her point but Turtle Time says that dogs and babies are resilient.
Ramona: I kicked Avery every day for a year. Now? UVA with a 3.75.
Are we to ignore that Ramona walked in with a canvas? Did she think it was a paint and sip? Seriously, it’s never acknowledged. Maybe she got the wrong script for the day. Ramona admits that she’s being passive aggressive and decides to meet the dogs – not the one she broke but the other.
Ramona is annoyed with Bethenny because she only wants people when she needs them but now she has a boyfriend. If you recall, Ramona proclaimed that she would be married within two years and that deadline is coming up soon. I think she really is just annoyed at anyone who has happiness. Or penis. Ramona picks up Biggy and starts talking, barking and going on and on a mile a minute. Carole and Bethenny think something is wrong. They’re about eight seasons late on that one.
Ramona finally sits and tells them about meeting with Luann. They try to draw out what she knows about him but she’s not saying a word. She tells them that Luann was mad that Tom was being investigated. Bethenny and Carole laugh and say that no one is interested in what he’s doing…yet…this season…until they go on vacation and need to spice things up.
Meanwhile, Luann and her daughter Victoria shop for hats for Sonja’s Mad Hatter party. Luann repeats Sonja’s insults and asks “can you believe that?” Yes Luann, we can. We can all believe everything! What we can’t believe is when she says Sonja is talking out of both sides of her mouth. That’s no small feat with this group’s consumption of Botox. Luann and Victoria both have a hard time finding hats for their big heads so Luann settles for one that sits six inches off her skull and will have to be attached with a drill gun.
“This fits as perfectly as me and Tom! Can you believe it?”
Back at Bethenny’s, Ramona says Sonja has a new roommate who was a major socialite. They discuss her charges and her co-dependent, tempestuous relationship. Bethenny acknowledges that this girl had it all and it all came crashing down. The only thing that could have made it worse would be losing a talk show, getting a four year divorce and splitting custody of your kid. Hold on to your alley tail B.
Carole says that she’s having an election night party. Bethenny says it’s just going to be Carole not listening to anyone else so she’ll bring earmuffs. Oh god, they’ll probably be zebra print. I can’t take much more. Ramona brings up Hillary’s emails and Carole says she’s quoting headlines and doesn’t read the whole stories. Furthermore, she gets all of her news through Facebook comments.
“Facebook is very accurate. You can give stories the thumbs up or a heart now.”
Bethenny calls Carole a know-it-all and elitist. Didn’t Bethenny just say two years ago that maybe she knows it all? And what’s more elitist than having a Black driver, co-opting a culture for your dog’s names when you would never set foot into the neighborhood their namesake came from, shutting down political discussions revolving around misogynistic, ethnic and economically disadvantaged themes which had already led to violence and claiming homelessness whilst slumbering in $1000/night hotel rooms? I guess a lady with a tattered couch. On the bright side, they agree that Tinsley is a rich, blonde woman so she’ll do just fine in “this country.” Natch.
Tinsley waltzes into Sonja’s room the next morning with her lashes on because it’s easier to just put on lip gloss in the morning. Wearing makeup and lashes to bed? Soon Sonja will be mining Tinsley’s eye crust for homemade croutons. At breakfast, they come up with a plan for Tinsley to land a husband.
“First, get as far away from me as possible.”
I’m not sure Sonja should be leading this effort. We’re looking for a husband. I would’ve sent Sonja in with Seal Team 6 to find Bin Laden though. Imagine telling Sonja that a virile man with access to millions of dollars was hiding in a dark house but chose Luann over her. He would have been found in 45 seconds with no collateral damage.
Tinsley says she married her boarding school boyfriend who was also the first guy she slept with. That doesn’t make her innocent. He was the first. They were separated for half of their marriage. I’m sure Tinsley made up for lost peen. She’s 41 and wants a guy over 40 who wants kids because her eggs are frozen.
“This mug is stuck to my hand. How did you wash this? “
She wants him to have a job and I love that Sonja says she “likes jobs now too”.
“Jobs are on trend for Fall 2017.”
Tinsley has made bad choices since ex husband including her last relationship which ended with her in jail. She went to retrieve a handbag which violated a non trespassing warning.
Her eyebrows look like they should be in front of https:
Sonja promises to find her a husband. And then she will claim he’s her ex-lover.
Dorinda and Ramona go for cryotherapy but Ramona claims that she’s not going to participate because she needs to research it more. She hasn’t read all of the Facebook comments on it yet.
They’re all lies! She has a “date”. I’m willing to bet that all of Ramona’s dates include her sitting in fancy restaurants until she pretends to get a phone call with her date canceling. She’s just trying to make both Marios jealous. I don’t believe for a minute that she’s dating this much and we’re not seeing any of it.
Ramona says that she met with Luann but didn’t tell her what she knew because she obviously doesn’t mind being lied to and cheated on by Tom. More importantly, Dorinda is still annoyed with Sonja. She can’t believe that Sonja talks about others when she has a very colorful past. Speaking of colorful, the cryotherapy guy is black. Ramona’s jaw literally drops. Dorinda strokes his abs while saying he got his hot body from cryotherapy. Ramona says he got it from “good youth” as she struggles not to ask him to check her coat.
Tinsley is strolling through NYC. She misses all that NYC has to offer which is basically chicken soup and wearing black. She gets sad passing her old building. I know this because she says “this makes me sad”. Come on, these people don’t actually emote. She shops for dresses at the kind of store that follows cryotherapy guy around and reminisces over how she got her start. She went to a party at a hotel and someone snapped and posted a pic of her on the step and repeat. She noticed that straight hair didn’t garner enough attention so she always wore it curled. Oh now I remember her! She was the blonde with the curls from the early 2000’s, said no one at all.
We see pictures of her over the years on red carpets and at fashion shows. I watched this twice and I’m pretty sure she was sitting next to Kenya Moore at a fashion show. Was it the launch of She by Sheree? And if that’s what she used to do, how much more different was her life? You’re practically sitting with Kenya either way.
Dorinda and Hannah are shopping for Hannah’s first apartment. They’re at Jonathan Adler and the couch she’s interested in will take 12-14 weeks to receive. I love it. $2.00 for water is a cause for alarm in Dorinda’s world but condoning a 20 something with no job having a semi-tantrum over a $4000 ass bed is totally acceptable. The father is bankrolling it so Dorinda doesn’t care. Hannah scoffs at a burnt orange couch as I am literally sitting on an orange Ikea couch that I just picked up last weekend. Hannah says that she’s saved lots of money. My first thought is she’s on Ashley Madison but the crazier thing is that Dorinda suggests the same thing. Hannah doesn’t find it too funny. I bet her pimp doesn’t either.
Dress for Success is the new SkinnyGirl. Bethenny’s old clothes are going to help other women become moguls. All except for Sonja and Tipsy Girl. They can suck it.
She’s going to the Hamptons for Thanksgiving and says Dennis will be going but things have been hard with Jason intervening. She spends time with Dennis and without because she’s about “me, myself and I now”. This is not a new thing Lady B. Then she and her assistants acknowledge that Cookie has managed to outlive two condos, a Jill Zarin and a marriage.
Sonja is getting ready for a party with her “borrowed butler” Patrick Henry. One of her guests can’t come because of crevices between her stonework. In Sonja’s defense, it was Stephen Hawking.
“We dated years ago. He likes ALS – Ass Like Sonja’s. ”
Tinsley picks up the sandwiches because Duane Reade makes deliveries but the caterer won’t step foot into this trap house. Sonja, Tinsley and the neighbor Gigi are plating the food with bare hands. Nope, all those dogs and eye crust in that house sound like a recipe for the runs.
Ramona arrives early. Gigi takes one for the team and says she’ll greet her. The women were all supposed to dress in colors since it’s a Mad Hatter theme. The butler points out that Ramona is in all black. Tinsley defends it by saying she’s been wearing so much color in Palm Beach that she really wanted to wear black. Yeah right. She’s probably still on the run and trying to blend in with the crowd.
The kitchen crew uses this valuable time to talk an insane amount of crap behind Ramona’s back. Meanwhile, Ramona has no clue who Gigi is so they play “where do I know you from”.
Ramona: Are you her maid?
Ramona: Renting a room?
Ramona: Homeless hooker?
Gigi: No. I’m her neighbor and I’m worth 27 million dollars.
Ramona: Oh yeah. I put a sad face on your grandmother’s obituary.
Sonja defends her bug-eyed friend by saying that Ramona had a rough upbringing with home violence. Tinsley seems embarrassed but Sonja says that they’re pull yourself up “by the boot straps” people. If anyone has boot straps, it’s Sonja and her Wesson filled basement. Butler says “get over it”. Then Sonja says that all of her friends can’t believe she’s friends with “that crazy lady”. Butler says that Ramona threw away a handsome talented man so Tinsley says he cheated. Butler says wouldn’t you? I need sassy Mr. Belvidere to pitch an NBC sitcom based on this premise. He is absolutely horrible and you know he talked so much crap about Sonja right after this party, but I kinda want more.
Ramona finally gets away from Gigi who’s verbal tackle could only go so far and is standoffish with Tinsley. Although Ramona has just eaten a sandwich, she says you don’t want to meet her when she’s hungry.
Ramona’s not Ramona when she’s hungry.
Ramona questions why Dorinda wasn’t invited to the party. Sonja is still mad about the Berkshires. I can’t blame her. Everyone got to meet Santa except Sonja. That’s all that happened up there. Carole is a little nicer to Tinsley and she says that Sonja has a boarding house for socialites. Dust mites too. Sonja is annoyed that everyone is wearing black and Ramona actually calls one of the dogs Millou. She went to the dog’s funeral! You know you’re privileged when you’ve been to so many dog funerals that they’re interchangeable.
Bethenny is on her way to the party and calls them the crusty vagina crowd. That’s rich coming from the crustiest of them all. She questions who does stuff at 3:30 in the afternoon. I don’t know but she’s wheeling her happy ass down there for a check so does it really matter? Bethenny at least wore color. She realizes that they may be in hats except for Luann who’s head is too big. Cut to Luann clomping down the street in a Brokeback hat with Blossom flowers glued onto it.
Carole and Ramona discuss the upcoming trip to the Hamptons. Dorinda has refused to stay with Ramona if Sonja is there so Ramona then told Sonja there had been “a change of plans” and disinvited Sonja from her house. She was hoping Sonja would’ve invited Dorinda to the Mad Hatter party to work on “borrowing the hodget”. Yep, sounds like a typical voter to me.
Ramona also explains that she is wearing a Mr. Furley scarf because she’s having hot dates that end with hickeys. Methinks Mario the Contractor left his vacuum behind and Ramona’s gotten a little wet and wacky with it. Carole says that she hopes Ramona isn’t mad about the election talk. It’s a nice thing to say until Carole adds that she’s simply more informed than the average voter. She still has all of her contacts and knows how to read between the lines. Trump may not be at the nerd prom but Carole will. Ramona says that she’s very informed and that’s how she got where she is today. Umm, she was the last person to find out Mario was a cheater so that doesn’t say much. A Moroccan psychic saw that shit long distance yet Ramona was blindsided. Stahp girl!
Bethenny brought a basket for the guest of honor and describes the contents to Butler who probably tossed it down the basement steps with Tinsley’s foam pillow. Bethenny didn’t give Tinsley a great vibe and when Luann arrives with a hair compliment, Bethenny references their hair feud and makes fun of Luann’s flowery dress. To be fair, everyone did.
Ramona is taking steps to become more informed but instead of Syria or student loan debt forgiveness, she’s decided to start with Tinsley’s uterus. She asks if Tinsley regretted not having kids with her ex. She does.
I’m missing out on yacht-loads of child support.
Tinsley tells everyone she meets about her mugshot right then and there because it’s like “therapy” for her. You know what else is like therapy? Therapy. You can afford it, dear. Ramona is shockingly appropriate and says that from every negative comes a positive.Ramona must have a whole lot of good coming her way.
Luann confronts Sonja about her press interviews. She continues to allege that Tom dates young, playbunnies and that Dorinda shouldn’t have introduced them. Luann determines that Sonja’s jealous of Dorinda and Luann’s blossoming friendship. Luann wants her support and threatens to clip Tom’s wings if he doesn’t fly right. You and what razor blade? Tom is going to be holding those purse strings so tight it’ll look like Ramona’s crow’s feet.
Luann: When I raise my arm like this, I blend right in with your couch! Can you believe it?
“If I say yes will you burn it?”
Ramona, still racking up those negatives, tells Luann that her dress reminds her of conservative ladylike dresses she sold decades ago to homeless people. Luann says it’s Ralph Lauren. No joke, I had a dress like that back in ’93. It was Aeropostale.
Tinsley is still talking about guys and the women laugh at the thought of Sonja finding her a husband. Butler is taking selfies with Sonja cuz that’s professional. Bethenny grabs a sandwich and nearly leaves her plus one behind. I’ve seen Bethenny walk out of doors with sandwiches so many times on this show. Yes girl, keep pretending that you aren’t storing them in mason jars under your car seats instead of eating them.
As Butler escorts her to the door, Bethenny says she’s nothing without a prairie dress like Luann. It was a totally random and uncalled for comment but it gave us a nice opportunity for a Butler reprisal. Sonja asks who’s the designer and they say Ralph Lauren. Bitchy butler says “Salvation Army” and instead of laughing Bethenny says “you’re funny.” I like this NY thing of emoting through declaration rather than expression.
Next week, Bethenny is hearing questionable things about Luann and Dorinda. Sonja is nervous for the Berkshires trip since she’s been talking crap. Dorinda vows revenge and Ramona goes off on Bethenny for doing soft porn and being and BI. What’d you think? Did you like Luann’s dress and hat? Was Bethenny an alley cat? Is cryotherapy effective? Love you for reading and commenting!
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