Hello there darlings! MissKitty here to recap this typical mish-mash of plot lines, but the eternal themes of “Kathryn’s an irresponsible trashbag/Whitney is obsessed with T-Rav’s dong/Craig is a useless liar” are in full effect. We get to see more of Austen, Shep makes a half-hearted play for Chelsea, and Cam solidifies her “child-free” status. MissKitty’s evil smile is percolating, because it looks like Lahahahahahandon has caught the fame whore virus, but good, and it’s finally dawning on the cast that she’s a massive cuntwaffle. Hi. Nice of you to catch up, CAST.
Probably the most important new cast member is introduced, a smushy-faced grouch named Gizmo.
Well would you look at that. We see the same introductions being used for our Charmers, e.g., Thomas “smoothly” turning like the Tin Man on the boulevard, but Shep gets top-billing this season. I guess Whitney finally read a room right and realized he should only keep himself as a “guest star” like Luke Perry in Beverly Hills, 90210.
hahaha “Who me?”
So no Whitney, with his plaid shirt and strange smile where he looks like he doesn’t have his dentures in.
So openings- Cam is spraying her face with something, and Austen is on the phone “wheeling and dealing”.
Even how you hold your phone, you look like a massive tool
At Craig and Naomie’s Craig is half asleep and WHO ARE YOU LITTLE CUTIEPIE??? We see Craig has a very playful and very naughty bedmate who I’ve fallen in love with.
OH MY DOOODNESSSSSS
Hahahaha Captain Naughtypants is FEISTY!
Shep continues the trend of not being able to figure out any electronics as his phone craps out on his mom.
At Thomas’s house, where he’s lighting some romantic candles (why does he always have candles going? Is it from old man fahhhhts like Ken Todd?) Ohhhhhh…. Yay….
Whitney wastes no time being a disgusting anachronism-laden pervert, calling Thomas the Hugh Hefner of Charleston.
Aw. Look how happy he is back in his familiar wheelhouse: an obsession with how much poon Thomas’s joint might be getting.
I guess we can all breathe one sigh of relief that he didn’t accompany it with some juvenile hand gesture. Thomas jokes that it will take a special lady to go through the gauntlet of the “wild red head”, as we flash back to some of Kathryn’s better cray-cray moments. It leads me to believe that Thomas *likes* spinning her up. He *likes* that she’s a nut job. I think for some weird reason it validates him.
Whitney interviews how great a father Thomas is, e.g., Thomas looks after them and is responsible.
No, you irritating prick—his NANNY takes care of them, and if hanging off two thirsty drunk girls young enough to be his daughters qualifies as responsible, your bar is awfully low.
Whitney briefs Thomas on his life, as in “[He] Law s’rrrrshan Eurrrrpe and just the long distance thing, so she’s committedshhhork, soshshssh tarted fresh” Since Whitney swallows his vowels like cocks, he is telling us that-shockingly-he and his German teenager girlfriend Larissa broke up. Thomas translates “So you’re single?” and Whitney announces “I’m back man!” Then makes 3 million vaginas simultaneously sound like the Tyra Banks “Bankable Productions” vault being closed by making a weird Elvis face and announcing that he’s “Single- Ready to Mingle”
SPIIIIN::CLINK. But kudos on laying off the Botox. You look less like a perverted wax dummy and more just like a run-of-the-mill sad middle-aged pervert.
Thomas, in his mutual obsession with Whitney’s junk, says he wants Whitney to be closing “at the bar”. Whitney is startled, and Thomas asks him why they make public bathrooms? Um… Let’s see…. For people to piss, shit, and puke in? If we wanted to see Whitney humping someone who looks like his daughter in public, we’d all at least be doing number three. He asks (with a little too much eagerness) how often T-Rav fucks girls in public bathrooms. Thomas chuckles and says he has responsibilities naow. Whitney snorts, and says “PLEASE!” Hahaha. So much for Thomas being a model dad.
We see the irresponsible partner in the Ravenel duo.
Whore! You should be more like Thomas and Whitney, trying to fuck people in public bathrooms!
She’s driving over to see my girl, Danni (Yay! Offer still stands! Replace Landon? Yes?)
Cute new hair!! LOVE
We flash back to the See You Next Tuesday Landon tittering over Kathryn’s failed drug test, as Kathryn admits she failed and admits that she’s humiliated and ashamed.
Congrats. You are feeling emotions your baby daddy is incapable of ever feeling.
She confides in Danni about the trip to rehab. Her mom told her it was all arranged, and she agreed to go. Cool mom. She tells Danni furthermore that she would just randomly start crying.
Kathryn- as much as I appreciate your journey to sobriety, you’d look a lot less batshit without tarantula lashes. Hugs!
Kathryn reveals that she has passed a drug test, which is a stipulation for regaining partial custody. Danni asks if Kathryn has seen Jennifer Snowden, who was featured prominently last season, and who recently had a baby of her own. Kathryn says no, and gives the reason that Jennifer and Thomas have rekindled their friendship. O… K….
Yeah, I know. Me too, Danni
We go onto Cam, who is visiting Jennifer Snowden.
So I guess things are good again? When did they become friends? Am I missing something??
Cam uses this opportunity to reiterate that she is not ready to become a mother, and that being a mom to “the dog” is good enough.
Good for you girl! Your wallet, sex life, skin, REM sleep, and overall sanity will thank you. As will the curly-haired lady with her hair up in a messy bun in seat 7A in front of you on the motherfucking plane.
Jennifer opens the door, beaming, and I have to say she does look very happy.
Aw- motherhood looks like it agrees with you. Good for you.
She opens Cam’s present of a stuffed whale, and this is reason #32,084 why MissKitty hasn’t spawned:
Yes, MissKitty doesn’t want sticky baby fingers all over adorable stuffed animals. SHE wants the stuffed baby toys! Inga.. Inga… (makes toddler pinchy grabby fingers).
They go upstairs to see Ascher and his nanny. HEE! Looks like the whale has a buddy over there.
Hi Octopus! Do you want to come live in MissKitty’s house?
Little Ascher has a jagged scar on his little head, and despite MissKitty’s desire to never have one, he’s adorable, and precious, and seeing babies with scars or glasses or corrective anythings, MissKitty’s heart grows three sizes and poings out of the frame, like the Grinch’s.
Nothing snarky to say. Who is cutting onions in this fucking recap??
Bless his little heart. Totally, completely.
Jenn says that she has gotten a lot of support (and apparently, enough baby clothes to open a boutique). She lists everyone who has reached out, and funnily, the wonder twins who don’t realize they’re the same person yet (Kathryn and Landon) are missing from the list. Jennifer said she texted Kathryn on the eve of going into the hospital, and didn’t hear back. Now. I’m sorry- but if that’s true, that is some JACKED. UP. SHIT. She knew her baby was going to need a major operation, but she didn’t hear from Kathryn. That sets my dislike button OFF. And it shows why Kathryn will never win with this show or this crowd, or frankly, LIFE. Get out of your own shit. Same to you, Landon. You didn’t make the cut either, twat-face. HATE.
We next see a scene where Shep is going to try to winnow out some form of truth from Craig (yeah, good luck with that). So they meet at the saddest most forlorn batting cages I think I’ve ever seen.
How does this place stay in business? Just asking.
While Shep is waiting for Craig (who complains about having an eye problem), we segue over…
Aw fuck. This shit-for-brains with her interns pretending to work on her “Roam” Website.
Seriously. Seriously? Hahaha. Where’s this bitch when I need her
So just to see how AMAZEBALLS the website is, I decided to check it out.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA [DEEP BREATH] HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Does this vacuous marshmallow do anything well? Anyone?
Landon’s equally-brainy business partner brags that when Landon shoots for the moon, she keeps her down to earth by making sure Landon goes to the stars instead. Not I guess realizing that the moon is closer to fucking earth than every star in the galaxy, but hey, I wouldn’t expect anything less from this gang of empty hair. I can’t. I just can’t with these idiots.
Back at the worst batting cages ever, Craig comes in looking about as thrilled as if he were going to get a flu shot. They share a listless bro hug. He complains about his swollen eyes. We find out that the problem is that GIZMO slept next to him last night.
Hahaha! Gizmo! Gizmo doesn’t give. A. FUCK.
Shep leads a very grumpy Craig around, and Craig tonelessly interviews that “baseball was his life” growing up. And then proceeds to look like a liar yet again, as he stands like a zombie and the balls go whizzing by, culminating in throwing the bat away as the balls are still coming out.
You’re… supposed… Wait… You’re…. supposed to… You’re supposed to HIT THE BALLS
I think for the first time ever, Shep and MissKitty are wearing the same expression
Shep and Craig move to pitching practice, and Shep tells Craig that he talked to Naomie, about Craig’s fake bar exam entry paperwork, to try and get to the bottom of what Craig is doing.
It goes really well
Shep cracks me up when he muses that maybe Craig is a polygamist, with a family in Utah, or wonders if Craig is his real name. Hahahaha.
Shep asks him point blank if he wants to be a lawyer. Craig gets immediately defensive, calls Shep a loser, jealous, and accuses Shep of not having a life. They make Craig look kind of desperate. His point, which is a valid one, e.g., Shep- stay in your own lane, is lost a little bit. He does stick up for himself, which is good, but it comes out a little whiny.
Quit while you’re ahead dude
We next meet up with Cameran and Chelsea, the girl she thinks would be a good fit for Shep
Talk about staying in your own fucking lane
Cam is a WEEEE bit too invested in Shep’s life.
We learn that Chelsea is going to “Landon’s thing” and that Whitney has met a model. Cameran makes her case for Chelsea and Shep to date, since apparently at age 36 he can’t figure that out for himself. Chelsea hunts, fishes, surfs… Cam says she’s basically the female Shep, except she’s not a whore. Hahahaha. Chelsea seems cool, and, actually, she does seem like she might like him a bit. In other words, she’s doomed.
Oh. OH NO. The douchebaggery cannot be contained on my screen. Shep, Austen and Whitney all meet up for some drinks and “taters” (eye::roll), and Whitney can barely sit still, because he is meeting another pussy hound who stirs his renob.
Seriously, why not just fucking ask to sniff Austen’s fingers, you weirdo?
Whitney welcomes Austen to the (Toolbox) Club, and Austen in his backwards baseball hat, eagerly joins.
“Do the ceremonial genital warts come BEFORE or AFTER we finish our drinks?”
The guys gossip like little bitches about the cute girls at the party, because there’s nothing pathetic at all about grown-ass men waxing poetic about young girls. Shep brings up Chelsea, and Austen shrugs about her like a total cooze. He liked Eliza, aka the host who was probably barely 21 fucking years old, and Whitney agrees that she’s very cute, and very young. These johnsonvilles don’t seem to get that really cute young girls are often the dullest creatures on planet earth. They speculate that Thomas and Landon seemed to really be hitting it off, while Austen nervously plays with his fingernails.
Stop it. It’s annoying.
Shep then spills the delicious sweet tea that Landon met up with some guys promoting what sounds like a terrible idea hoping for “some synergy” and that she “didn’t behave herself”.
So there’s apparently this party app aka some “booze-induced date rape waiting to happen” idea where people can learn about high-end parties? On a yacht? I’m unclear, but It all sounds like something this ho would go to, and that can’t be good:
“That sounds like an AMAZING app!”
So… Landon met with the bozos who are developing this horrible-sounding idea, and proceeded to criticize their logo, their “brand” and portray herself as the Holly Golightly of Charleston, bragging “I don’t hang out with millionaires; I hang out with billionaires.” Eh boy… Um… okay there girlie. Shep is disgusted and appalled, and Whitney nearly bursts a forehead blood vessel in his skull. Austen limply defends Landon as seeming “down to earth”, and since Shep has some kind of dick-worship for him, he dials his snark back.
We get ANOTHER scene with Gizmo, who is really killing it this show.
Still doesn’t give AF
Naomie comes home from class and Craig tells her about Landon’s “launch” party thing. Naomie interviews that she and Craig are on totally opposite schedules and she has no idea what Craig’s day-to-day schedule is…
We see that one of them is hauling Gizmo around in a wagon, at one point warning “it’s going to be bumpy”.
Hahahahaha!!! I’m sorry. I’ll always love Craig just for this scene alone. I don’t care if he’s a fuck up. No one is bad who does this shit.
We see various parts of his day, and the idea is that this is very sad, that he’s talking to the cat, and how lame, and what a slacker. Meanwhile I’m like Yeah-heah!!! That RULES!
Naomie asks about his meeting with Shep, and Craig starts to complain about it. She’s sympathetic to Shep’s point at first, but as he continues, she totally is on his side. She is very candid when she says she wishes Craig would be a lawyer, she would finish grad school and get a good job, and they can travel. But she admits that she’s Craig’s girlfriend, not his babysitter. Naomie- you’re the best, girl! I really like them together. Craig, I hope you figure out your shit and stay with her. She’s awesome.
Landon is getting ready for her stupid launch party, and she calls Thomas. We see Thomas get ready in a way-too-long montage (and he looks like he’s typically already sweating through his fucking plaid shirt).
“….suffering from drug withdrawal” ?
No, he’s just complimenting how handsome his jug-eared ass is in French.
What’s French for “You must have Le Glaucoma”?
So over at Landon’s party, she is dressed in yet another fug outfit.
Landon’s boyfriend Drew comes, dressed in a full tuxedo, like this is a fucking opening to the opera. Oh, Drew. Honey.
“It’s over-dressed o’clock”
OHHH he’s going out to a wedding, never mind (seriously-is he the groom though?).
The gang all arrives, including Whitney and his new “escort”, Daisy. Presumably it’s the model he said he met, but of course he can’t just say “my new friend” or “my date”.
Daisy? Hope you like that furry beardy feeling. Cuz that’s what you are.
Also, are they high?
She and Whitney seem glassy-eyed and WAAAYYYY too amused in this scene.
Cameran and Craig talk, and he tells her that Shep said she didn’t like him anymore. God. It really is like middle school with these people. Cam admits that they do all talk about him, but only to make fun of his Instagram. Ahhhh, there’s that mean girl we all remember from last year.
Chelsea comes over to talk to Shep, complimenting his attire. Oh Chelsea… don’t. Don’t try. If you have to engage, you already lost. This moron likes “a challenge”, so you’d be best to let him come to you.
“I suddenly find you unattractive”
The partygoers go to look at Roam, the website, and it looks like a mish-mash of stupidity. Thomas drunkenly talks about the visuals, and says that Landon has “good oral skills”. Then he and Whitney burst into laughter.
Ah… It’s nice to see nothing ever changes.
Cam goes to Shep to tattle that two men have asked about Chelsea. Shep gives zero fucks. Cam-Auntie Mame, whatever the fuck your name is: pipe down and mind your business.
Thomas, Whitney and Drew all say their goodbyes to Landon, complimenting the website, and then Shep comes over to talk to her about it. While Landon blathers on and my dog tilts his head, Shep gears up to crush her spirit.
Hahaha. Let’s watch, shall we?
Shep recounts his meeting with the yacht app people and how Landon came off according to them. Landon says that essentially they were assholes (I’m on her side here; those guys looked like a big bag of thirsty dicks to me), their app looked like a dating site, and they were rude. Shep cautions her about how you have to eat humble pie at first, and she argues with him. She says that he basically shit on her night. He may have a point, but maybe make it not at her party, Shep. Bad timing.
Next we get to see Shep and Chelsea’s date. Which Cameran is joining.
For the love of God, would you two just bone already?
Chelsea asks about Landon’s website, and I THINK throws some shade, which… YES. I knew I liked this girl. THEN she clowns Shep about the Yacht app, while Cameran throws her hair around and grooms, because she doesn’t have Shep’s attention for 5 whole seconds.
“Just admit you’ll never love anyone as much as me”
Cameran goes to leave, and Shep practically begs her to stay. God he’s so in love with her. If I were Chelsea, I’d be like “Check please. BYE”.
Eh boy. In scenes for next week, it looks like Chelsea hooked up with Shep. Enjoy your newly diseased vag, girl! There’s some giggling girl that Shep and Austen go for. Kathryn gets told “You ol’” at the modeling agency, and Craig and Naomie get into a fight!!! Oh no!!
So what did you think, Trashmii??? Is Landon’s website super-duper-awesome looking? Do we think Chelsea and Shep are doomed, or maybe there’s a chance? Were Whitney and Daisy high AF? Will Gizmo become a breakout star? Hit me up and tell me what you thought!
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