The end is near.
Hello my lovelies! How is everyone this week? MisRed has had her head in the toilet since 3am, but no matter, I am here to serve you. Now, if Amazon would just serve MisRed, it would be much appreciated. They haven’t uploaded the latest RHOBH episode yet. Me thinks they have “pretend amnesia!” Luckily, Queen Andy comes through in the clutch. Hopefully Amazon will come through so MisRed can get some screen grabs. Otherwise you will be stuck with MisRed and her lively support staff to reenact the episode, so you can have some silly pics.
All present, but napping.
Where did we leave off? Oh right. We are still in Berlin. Dorit was rehashing Kyle confronting her about her rehashing her thoughts on LVP and the insecurity / jealousy there-of. Kyle was upset AGAIN with LVP for not standing up for her. Kyle had an allergy attack, Rinna almost died on horseback after calling everyone “Ho.” Teddi, um, didn’t cry last week. What else? Erika forced some culture on the group whilst in Berlin. Panty-gate resurfaced AGAIN. Erika tried to get everyone to eat veal. Dorit thinks Kyle is jealous of her relationship with LVP. LVP leaves the trip early as Ken has misplaced his wig.
While we are on Dorit for a second… Dorit thinks that everyone is jealous of her. ??? My guess is when Dorit was a little girl, she was probably as annoying as she is now. She probably had no friends, and her parents probably told her that everyone was just “jealous” of her. This is why she’s so delusional. While MisRed has Dorit in the cross-hairs, I have a funny story. MrRed watches a tv show, it’s set in the UK, about bad tenants and bad landlords. It’s basically people getting evicted for not paying their rent. So MisRed half listens to the show when it’s on because she is usually making dinner or something. The other night an episode came on and a tenant was being evicted and her name was “Dorit.” MisRed assumes it was the same Dorit. lol
OH!!! One other thing- People Magazine has been running this thing online leading up to the Most Beautiful People Issue, which MisRed is, for sure, going to be on the cover AGAIN this year… and the feature is “Real Housewives without make-up.” It appeared that LVP and Erika did not participate. BUT there were little interview questions with each one and they asked Dorit “Name one part of your body of which you are self-conscious?” And she said – her boobs since she had kids.
Those Boulders are so dreadful now, MisRed wonders what they were like BEFORE. Imagine Dorit breastfeeding with those things- they could HURT a baby!! And what would even come out of them- concrete? <shudder>.
OK, MisRed could rag on Dorit all day… but where will that get us??
Helga, we are going to need the belt sander on this blonde one!
Oh good, still in Berlin, Rinna and Dorit are getting pedis and foot massages. Rinna reveals that Harry Hamlin doesn’t like going to the spa, he would prefer to live out in the wilderness alone. Oh ok, so, like the Unabomber? Dorit reveals that PK isn’t the wilderness type. MisRed KNOWS you are all shocked. Dorit says he’s more of a 5-star hotel type. She tells us the shower is really the only place where he can stand to be alone. Ew. So not only is PK shiny, and smarmy and broke and bloated and evil and nasty and horrible, he’s a needy little betch as well.
No wonder he and Dorit are attracted to one another. Imagine wanting to hear from Dorit? MisRed can’t think of a situation where she would want that.
Dorit says she’s happy to have this alone time with Rinna. Ha HA. Dorit says that with all of the craziness, she thinks they have earned a spa day. Yes, creating drama and havoc is so exhausting.
The pain is real.
MisRed wonders what Rinna did in order to get stuck filming with Dorit for the day?
De ja vu redo
Kyle and Teddy are waiting in the lobby of the hotel. They are to meet Erika to go to the zoo, we assume the meeting time was Noon. At 12:07 the clock starts ticking. Late-Gate, The Return.
Tick Tock, Betch.
12:30pm comes and goes. Kyle paints her nails. They text Erika to tell her that they will meet her at the entrance to the zoo.
Oh look! PK decided to join them at the zoo.
Teddi and Kyle walk to the entrance of the zoo. Not sure how this will help their timeline? Erika still isn’t there and at least the hotel has booze and chairs. They assume Erika is getting glammed up, but she finally shows up an hour late saying she is sick. And her plain black velour sweat suit does seem to reflect a sullen mood.
I didn’t feel well enough for an ugly track suit.
But she felt well enough to put some stickers in her hair.
They go to the zoo and meet the Zoo Director, who tells them that they have the largest stock of exotic animals anywhere in the world. MisRed begs to differ. Let’s look at the Bravo roster, shall we?
Just a smattering…
The zoo is 173 years old and they have Pandas on loan from China. There are only 1,834 Pandas left in the world. The ladies go into the Panda enclosure and watch a Panda eat bamboo and take some selfies.
I expect you to record the calories from this bamboo in your accountability journal.
Let me know if you want me to hook you up with my waxing lady.
MisRed aside: MisRed doesn’t believe in Pandas. She thinks they are people just dressed up in suits.
Rinna and Dorit get a couple’s massage, and Rinna asks Dorit how she thinks things are going with the group? Dorit says that she doesn’t have bad feelings toward Kyle and she thinks that Kyle wants to work out their issues. But she doesn’t want to get “tangled in Kyle and Lisa’s web of relationship history.” She hopes it can all work out. Rinna agrees and says it better work out because they are going ON A BOAT that evening.
Show of hands who would contribute to a Go Fund Me to have Dorit thrown overboard in cement shoes??? Really? That many of you? Hell, that’s enough to fly PK to Berlin (coach, of course) and throw him overboard too. Hell, it’s not like they are raising those kids, so they won’t be missed.
Teddi goes to Kyle’s room to get glammed as Teddi doesn’t know what the heck she is doing when it comes to fashion and glam. So, what? It will be like the blind leading the blind?
Kyle has taken the liberty of ordering some food in case they want to eat before they go out.
Kyle comments that Erika and Teddi seemed to be getting along. Teddi is like- well, yeah, if someone is nice to me, I will be nice back. They rehash “pretend amnesia-gate” and the fact that Erika did apologize to Teddi but said that they would discuss it another time.
Please no. PLEASE NO. MisRed cannot take another rehash of a rehash. Can we just go back to the good old days?
You know, when Kim Richards accused Kyle of stealing her house, and Brandi accused Kim of doing crystal meth in the bathroom? Or, or $25,000 sunglasses? Or, or Mauricio, allegedly, being gay. Or, or, Yolanda picking lemons. Or, or, Carlton casting a spell on all of these betches?
Ok, it’s time to go out for the night. Kyle, Rinna, Dorit and Teddi meet in the lobby.
Kyle is dressed like a slutty nun.
Rinna is dressed like a slutty, female Hans Landa.
That’s a BINGO!
Dorit is dressed like a combo stripper, S&M Marching Band Member, Dominatrix, poor man’s Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.
Hard to know where to look…
MisRed does want Rinna’s shoes, however.
Teddi is like…WTF, I missed the memo that this was a costume party. Teddi also looks like she got dressed in the dark.
The girls have their cocktails delivered to the car as they are waiting for Erika to join them. She is late again. Nobody is happy about it. They have a boat launch at 6pm and it’s 5:40pm and it takes 30 minutes to get to the boat.
Now, MisRed isn’t good at word problems, but the answer she came up with is… they gonna be late. Someone check my math.
Lateness is a major pet-peeve of MisRed’s so she is just going to keep her mouth shut.
What the actual f*ck is Dorit wearing?
Dorit has a STYLIST. Someone okay’d this outfit. Pick one thing Dorit, either fake hair OR the tacky lace-up hooker boots OR the black corset OR the lace-up gloves OR the noose choker OR the S&M Marching Band jacket. Maybe she’s in a fight with her stylist?
Rinna calls Erika but it goes to voicemail. They decide to leave her behind and to go the boat and try to have them hold the launch awaiting Erika’s arrival. Dorit asks Kyle how her convo went to LVP? Kyle says that it is what it is at this point and Kyle just wants to move forward. Then Dorit goes into some nonsense about her “heart being so capable” of what we don’t know. Kyle interviews that Dorit makes up these stories to try to confuse and deflect- but if Dorit thinks they still have a problem they are going to continue to talk about it over and over again. But Kyle just wants to go on the boat and have a good time tonight.
We see Erika walking out of the hotel and it’s no wonder she’s late.
Sweet Jesus, she’s wearing a red latex, long sleeve shirt. She notes, she is “late because of the lube and the baby powder.” Sh*t. MisRed had a latex shirt- don’t ask- and it is a struggle trying to get into that thing. And it’s not a one person job. MisRed does not know how the Gimp does it.
The girls arrive at the boat and ask if it’s ok to hold the launch for 10 minutes until Erika arrives. The Germans are not amused, but they agree to hold. Kyle and Rinna go outside and look at the skyline noting that it’s very different from Hong Kong. Rinna says that she hopes it’s a very different boat ride than the one in Hong Kong as well. Yeah, well, she told Dorit to “F*ck Off” in Hong Kong, but something tells MisRed we aren’t going to get that lucky this year.
Erika arrives and almost gets hit by a bicyclist. And it’s everything.
These are the moments when MisRed loves Erika.
Everyone is impressed with Erika’s look. Teddi is like- if I wore that I would be the sweatiest person on earth. The girls apologize for leaving Erika behind but Erika, rightly, says that they did the correct thing and that she was the one who was late. Dorit copies Erika about everything else, maybe she could about this too?
They enjoy the sights along the river and do some shots. They note that Dorit and Erika match.
Don’t insult Erika like that…
OMG, that’s all Dorit needs to hear. She will be wearing a rubber glove that she stole from the pedicurist next week in the finale.
Erika gets to second base with herself.
The girls ask how Erika got into that shirt and Erika explains the process a little and how she had to be sure she got her nipples straight.
The girls tell Rinna that if they looked like her they wouldn’t keep covered up with a long trench coat. Rinna is like… well I’m cold. But she takes off the jacket and is wearing a blazer under it, as a dress. Then she WHIPS off the blazer and is wearing just a lace teddy/bodysuit thing.
Dayummm! Own it baby!
Good for her. If MisRed hadn’t eaten in 30 years she probably would look good in that outfit too.
Rinna wonders why they are having a good time on the boat? She surmises it could be because LVP isn’t there.
Later, the ladies roll up to a dark alley. Oh cool. They are going to kick the sh*t out of Dorit. FINALLY.
They go through a door in a fence and into a seemingly empty building. However, it turns out to be an “invitation only” restaurant.
Hmmm. MisRed was wondering what happened to Jim Carrey.
The ladies are offered a “Gin Basil.” Dorit thinks the waiter said, “Chin Basil” and asks “What’s a Chin Basil.” Yes, Dorit, Miss Worldly Traveler.
Rinna, Teddi and Dorit go to the ladies’ room and Kyle and Erika hug. Kyle interviews that she wants to touch Erika’s boobs in that latex top. Cueing: Bisexual-gate.
The ladies return from the can and sit down. Dorit looks out of sorts. Oh good. She says that she REALLY feels like the candles on the table should be lit. Teddi is like- Uh, I didn’t even notice there were candles. Teddi jokes that now she can forever tease Dorit about wanting candles lit and Dorit can always tease Teddi about not caring if the candles are lit.
Hmmmm, MisRed wonders what segment of the reunion will cover Dorit saying Teddi is spreading rumor that Dorit starts forest fires in her spare time?
First, you accuse me of being late. Then you serve me wine in the wrong glass!
Then you force Erika to get her period and exile her to the Double Tree.
Then, you have the NERVE to tell the truth to Rinna about what I’ve said.
And NOW you claim I start Wildfires in California every year as a hobby!!
Dorit asks if everyone is good? Erika says “Actually, I have one issue…” Sweet Jesus. Just one? Because MisRed has been keeping a list…
Preparing to pounce…
This is the exact convo:
Erika: <shaking her head> Amnesia. Sure. Pretend, that implies I’m a liar. Don’t.
Teddi: My only issue is the way that you talked to me.
Erika: I don’t care how I talked to you. You called me a liar.
Teddi: And you know what, when you snapped at me, EVEN when you snapped at me, did I say sorry?
Erika: I don’t know, I didn’t hear you, but apparently, yes.
Flashback to Teddi and Erika’s original argument about this.
Erika: I have a bad temper.
Teddi: Whenever it’s aggressive or whenever it’s a snap… when I went to hug you…”
Flashback to Erika rejecting Teddy’s hug during combination Heavy,Gushing Period-gate / Double-Tree-gate.
Teddi: I’m not used to it. You have a big presence and…”
Dorit: You scare her. You scare the living sh*t out of her. Erika, you are strong, you are strong and I get where she is coming from.
I know from scary. I married PK.
Teddi: I think you are smart and you are beautiful. But in the moment if somebody kind of pushes you, you snap back and I don’t know how to handle it. And it made me f*cking uncomfortable, it hurt my feelings and there was a moment when I didn’t even WANT to come on this trip. And I really don’t know why this confrontation makes me upset.
Can someone teleport me out of here?
Rinna interviews: Erika must trigger something in Teddi from her childhood, I sound like a therapist. That’ll be $500. <laughs like a crazy lunatic>
Childhood trauma is a hoot!!!
Erika: My issue was “pretend” and I apologized and I’m glad you came on the trip, because I had fun with you, I had fun at the zoo with you and the pandas (aka, people in suits)
Teddi: Thank you.
Erika: And I don’t want to scare you, sweetheart. I don’t want to be mean to you ever and that does not make me feel good.
Erika interviews that her temper is something she just can’t turn off and it is something she would like to change about herself. She says she doesn’t want to be mean or eviscerate people.
MisRed loves that word eviscerate.
Erika says that they don’t need to talk about it again… until the reunion. Maybe Jax’s Reiki coach could help Erika with her anger. Oh wait, Erika doesn’t want to go where Jax has been… unless she’s wearing a full latex suit, which isn’t out of the question.
And that concludes the 17 part trip to Berlin.
Back in LA, we visit LVP at Vanderpump Dogs where they have LVP pretending to clean a window.
Pretending sure. Actually doing… Don’t.
John, LVP’s Gay Friday, arrives, and he wants to talk about the “Compassion Award” from the LA Awareness Film Festival.
Being LVP’s gay pays, baby, look at that rock.
Throw away scene except LVP pretending to clean.
Over at Dorit’s cardboard box, PK appears to be growing a beard. Oh good, maybe it will cover most of his face. He asks Dorit if he can retire after Dorit launches her line. Retire from what, exactly? From NOT making money?
We see Erika trying on a new latex costume for an upcoming NYC Event.
Then we shift to Kyle and the morally corrupt Faye Resnick discussing what Kyle will take to the new house when they find a piece of weave on the floor. Ew.
Shift to Rinna’s where she asks her dog Lola if she has seen any rats. The dog is like “f*ck off” and leaves the room.
Back at Kyle’s house, she is packing, packing, packing. Of course, she has a hoodie with an American Woman sticker stuck to the front of it.
She is unhappy to leave her house- she has had so many happy memories there and we get flashbacks of all of it. She wonders why she’s leaving. Uh, because you need to show off how much money you have?
Let’s join Tedwin for lunch with their two off-spring. Teddi orders pasta for the girl. Don’t worry, Teddi will make her run home alongside the car – she must be accountable for that pasta. They discuss the trip a little, but Teddi says that she raises her kids to not talk negatively about their friends, so she has to, at least, pretend to follow that same rule in front of them. So, she will go into greater detail about the trip with Edwin later. Apparently, they were considering investing in a horse but have decided against it. Who cares? Next.
Over at Villa Rosa Hanky is patrolling the bridge looking for new victims, and luckily Kyle shows up.
Kyle narrowly escapes the clutches of the evil: Hanky.
Oh, LVP has let Rocio out of the dungeon to make them some tea for them, that’s nice. Kyle tells LVP she is so crazed with moving, and her heart is pounding… why, did she steal the new house from Kim too?
Kyle wants to have the girls over to show them “American Woman.” Well yeah, MisRed agrees. It’s not like they are going to see it anywhere else. So she is planning to have a showing at her half-moved into house. Oh, just the party where Dorit called Camille a “stupid c*nt” and Kyle’s floors were ripped up. Great plan, Kyle.
Kyle sits down on a chair made entirely from Ken’s old wigs.
LVP tells Kyle all about the award she received for her documentary and says “You know what I got it for, don’t you? COMPASSION.” Kyle is like- yeah, compassion for the dogs, what about me? They both laugh it off, sort of. LVP wants to know how the trip was after she left. Kyle said they got to meet a Panda. LVP is like…. A PANDA!!!! You know if LVP had been there, she would have tried to stuff that Panda in her purse and kept it in the moat with Hanky. Kyle says she felt bad that LVP missed it.
Kyle tells LVP about the boat trip and how she couldn’t believe Dorit tried to put the blame on her for Panty-gate. Kyle interviews that while she says things are fine between her and Dorit, she doesn’t understand why “Dorit is talking out of her ass, while trying to cover her ass.”
Have you MET Dorit?
Erika is in NYC at some kind of nightclub. Sonja Morgan is, apparently, the Event Planner.
Perhaps this time she will remember to put on underpants.
Mikey and Erika want to use smoke lights, but Sonja only wants them to use the glitter cannons because the Fire Marshall is there.
But will glitter cannons be enough to cover the lip syncing?
Erika likes to treat every performance like it’s the Grammy’s. That’s a good method seeing as Erika will never win /perform at the Grammy’s.
Do you think I can make them believe I’m really singing?
She feels it’s “impor-DANT” to give every performance 100% because people are paying to see her perform.
Dorit and PK go to The Trunk Club – the site of the fashion show. Crap. PK shaved his beard. Dorit says she is stressed out and under pressure because everything isn’t done. They talk about a drape that will be covering up the collection before the show, and at some point, in the show, the drape will drop and the big reveal will happen. Dorit is excited about this but is also afraid. What if the drop doesn’t happen correctly? The planner says that they will practice it. But then Dorit is like- but then the drape will be dirty!!!
Shut up, PK!
PK is like- You are over-analyzing. You don’t even need to rehearse it. If the drop doesn’t happen, they can just open the curtain. Dorit looks like she wants to cut his head off.
Dorit makes them promise to rehearse the drop and then clean the curtain.
Hey, geniuses, why don’t you put a sheet of plastic down and practice the curtain drop onto that, so it doesn’t get dirty.
Why the f*ck does MisRed have to be the brains behind this operation?
They discuss the lay out and Dorit wants Palm trees, but they have a small door and can’t guarantee they can get palm trees into the venue. The planner talks about the runway and says it’s 44 feet. Dorit says, “You said 52! Hello? Telephones…” The planner is like – I’m telling you now.
Ok, MisRed knows it seems that Dorit is acting crazy, and it is, literally, killing MisRed to defend Dorit. However, straight men really shouldn’t be involved in this type of stuff. Dorit wants this to be perfect and she has a vision of what she wants… granted, her check will probably bounce… but the planner doesn’t know that yet. Despite the fact that 8 feet doesn’t seem important or even impordant, Dorit is right, these shows are timed and now, with the change, everything will have to be revamped to accommodate the change that the planner failed to communicate to Dorit properly. So MisRed, in this instance, is with Dorit.
MisRed needs to take a shower. She feels very, very violated.
Next week is the Season Finale. Kyle has her American Woman viewing party. Dorit asks how Kyle thinks her sisters will react to the show? Bahahahahahah. She hasn’t talked to those hags in years.
Well, I can’t ask them due to the restraining order.
Camille gets engaged. Dorit’s fashion show happens. And Dorit learns that LVP isn’t using Dorit’s photos for Beverly Hills Lifestyle Magazine.
What made you think I didn’t like the photos? All of my bitching!?!?!?
Kyle fights with everyone.
So… there is light at the end of the tunnel. One more episode and then a 36-part reunion and then it’s in the can.
I love when it’s in the can.
So what do you think is going to go down next week. Why is Kyle mad? Will LVP come to her defense? And what about the reunion? What “gates” do you think will be addressed? Will anyone not come back next year? Teddi, MisRed is sure is on the cusp, but MisRed thinks she should get another year to let her bitch-flower REALLLLY bloom. I absolutely love your comments!!! They are keeping MisRed afloat. See you over on RHONY! xoxxooxxxooo
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