Hello Trashies, and welcome to Jersey Shore Family Vacation. I was actually a little surprised that this was actually picked up airing on MTV. JWoww, Snooki, Pauly D and now Ronnie are actually someone’s parents. Deena is a newlywed and The Situation has found himself in the classic Jersey reality star conundrum… tax evasion. Also, they are all over 30.
Despite the title they are not actually going to Jersey Shore apparently fans weighed in and choose to send the meatballs back to the scene of the crime for season 2, South Beach Miami!
Besides the Jersey Shore is for sexy beasts only
The two-hour premiere was actually two episodes, so I am going to recap them in two separate recaps.
We pick up with our meatballs where we left off. Living in Jersey, Nicole aka Snooki is now a mom of two and all her dreams of getting married to a Guido and having tan babies came true. Jenni aka JWoww is also a mom of two too, who is doing what all moms do when leaving for more than 12 hours giving Roger a honey-do list and last-minute instructions.
In Las Vegas, Pauly D is a fully employed DJ who appears to be making really good money given all the toys he has. Ronnie is also in Vegas with his pregnant girlfriend (and her 11-year-old) who hasn’t quite gotten her reality television legs yet as she awkwardly tells him about the obviously previously planned maternity photoshoot.
Presented without comment
He says is a grown-up now and can control himself, or at least that’s what he tells his girlfriend.
In Staten Island, Vinny plays indoor basketball in an oddly decorated room. He has a pretty girlfriend Elise (sp) and lives in his own house without his mom.
But not too far
He too promises to be good with darty eyes and an unreassuringly shoulder rub to his girlfriend at his family dinner.
In other parts of New Jersey, Deena is chicken frying newlywed. Sadly, she has recently lost her dad to leukemia and is still mourning but remains positive her dad would want her go on this family trip.
Jogging on a snow covered beach we finally meet up with Mike aka The Situation who is having a Rocky moment all by himself. He lives with his now fiancé Lauren and is sober. He will be relying on her to be his liaison for his court “situation” because apparently that is not his lawyer’s job. In case you have been living under a rock, The Situation and his brother are involved in a major tax evasion case and have been charged with conspiring to defraud the government by lying on their income taxes and fraudulent business deductions. So, the Giudice special. In January he accepted a plea deal and is facing up to 15 years, sentencing is scheduled for later this month. So, that should be fun!
The ladies are in Deena’s Jeep heading out for dinner and are making a stop at the infamous Jersey Shore Store where they all pretended to work. Nicole wants to get everyone matching t-shirts to wear like all soul crushing family reunions have in Florida and it is here where the topic of Sammi not returning first comes up.
Sammi is the one cast hold out who choose not to come back for this family reunion. Deena admits it’s because she is in a good place and doesn’t want to relive the Ronnie stuff.
I think we can all thank Sammi for not coming back….
In a not at all planned moment Nicole says she has to poop so she can go raid the house for an item to bring to South Beach to remind them all of where it all began.
At a boxing club Mike joins Vinny for some “G” time and admires his baby fat free body. They are both changed men for different reasons. However The Situation has not lost his zeal for speaking about himself in the third person.
Anymore…. I can’t wait till he discovers the yogas in jail
The Situation is in full Teresa Giudice victim mode, not only cannot he not leave the country and is unsure of his travel plans but he is also the victim for lying about his income.
At dinner Deena admits that she is apprehensive about seeing Ron because he is the only one who did not reach out to her when her dad died and that hurt her. They call The Situation to see what’s up and disturb the dinner for everyone around them by talking to him on Facetime. Turns out he is getting nervous because his attorney is talking to him about a pleas deal option for less time. Nicole is worried SHE HAS SEEN ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK.
In Vegas it’s time for Pauly and Ron to “G” together, Pauly admits even though they live in the same town they don’t see each other much. Ronnie skeptical that Mike has really changed because he doesn’t believe that they he has really changed. Out of all the cast members they had the most friction and mostly because of…. Sammi. Pauly brings up the fact that Sammi isn’t coming and it’s probably because of her new boyfriend that coincidentally looks just like Ronnie. I guess if you squinting and looking through foggy lens, besides everyone has a type and Ron’s girlfriend looks like she could be Sammi’s sister.
Ronnie explains a little about what happened between them after they left the Shore. They lived together for about a year and half, she gave him an ultimatum timeline of getting married, he got cold feet, cheated and they broke up. Game over.
Pauly wants to know if there is anything they can say to her to make her change her mind and Ronnie casually offers up that he has a baby on the way and he’s going to be a dad just like Pauly. Ronnie says the situation isn’t ideal, but what are you going to do. Pauly gives him sound advice for a man who isn’t married to the mother of his child and says you may not be with this girl for the rest of your life but you are with your child for life.
Pauly immediately calls Nicole to gleefully tell her that Ronnie having a baby someone who is not Sammi. They predict based on him saying that he’s “trying to do the right thing,” he is going to cheat on his girlfriend in South Beach.
Enough hair gel for a week
The Situation gets a call and it does not seem like a good one. He picks Vinny up for the airport and gives him the news that he may not be able to come at all. From his head twitching and strange speech pattern it sounds like they want him to plead in order to give him permission to travel.
Home sweet home
The backyard is amazing with an ocean view and pool.
Back in Jersey The Situation and his facially similar fiancé prepare for court.
Pauly and Ronnie arrive at the house and it’s a total love fest. Nicole compliments Ronnie’s cool guy frost tips and he admires her new face. In the kitchen, talk turns to Sammi again and Deena makes it clear that Sammi is her friend and doesn’t want to hear them all talk shit about her the whole trip.
Deena points out that Pauly is truly the only single person in the house (and the oldest) he is a little weirded out. The girls want to know what Ronnie’s rules are from his girlfriend. He is allowed to look but not touch and told him to have fun. She knows him and knows his lifestyle… so you know?!?!?!?!
I am pretty sure that is not a thing but bob help me if it is, like reveal parties and babymoons aren’t enough
I pity the foul who don’t trust Ron Ron
They toast to their children, which is weird and Deena her future children. She is certain she isn’t pregnant because they used condoms before she left instead of the surefire birth control method in which Pauly and Ronnie’s daughters were conceived… the pull out.
And finally, Vinny arrives.
They of course want to know where Mike is…..
Look at all the press with fucks to give…
Depending on the outcome of the court case he may not be able to come at all. The cast is shocked but not too overcome because when trying to decide on rooms they make jokes about him having to sleep in a room by himself because he didn’t pay his taxes.
In other news Snooki isn’t in to pickles anymore and can’t eat them like she used to.
Maybe it’s the new lips
Pauly goes to retrieve a huge bag from the car and drags it in to sitting room.
And reveals Sammi the Real Doll
This crazy ass doll not only bears a slight resemblance to Sammi but Pauly even sprung for the sound option and had all her best sayings programmed into the doll. Ron says if he has sex with the doll it won’t count. Deena tries to defend Sammi again by saying Sam is just in a really good place when they point out that Sammi doll’s t-shirt says just that.
After struggling to drag their suitcases into the house the girls reveal the tshirts.
A perfect combination of the Friends and Happy Days cast
The duck phone is revealed, Ronnie hopes that it helps Snooki feel not alone since someone else will also have duck lips. Then like magic after being hooked up, it quacks.
Vinny demands the phone to talk to Mike and he is on way. After of course pleading guilty and getting special permission. In the wise words of JWoww the IRS is like the mafia, you don’t fuck with them!
After getting dressed up in her best Slutty Sandy cosplay and telling Jenni she can’t wear her favorite granny glasses to the club she head downstairs. She find Sammi Doll thoughtfully covered up and decides to try and take her upstairs before they come back all wasted and things get weird.
Cabs are heeeeere!
And it’s business as usual
Our favorite party kids encounter their first pangs of being old. Jenni says it’s a weird era where no one really dances only bops and Nicole notes no one fist pumps anymore.
But Vinny’s beat drop door dance fight moves are still on
It’s during this time that Nicole tells Deena that Ronnie’s doesn’t trust her because she is Sam’s friend and they get it into an intimate scream conversation where Ronnie tells Deena that Sam isn’t their friends because if she was she would be here. On some level I am starting to think that there were salary incentives if they ALL came back.
Then again maybe its personal
Vinnie is really be a good boyfriend and wingman so he politely tells the friend of the girl the Pauly is grinding on that he has a girlfriend.
Then props up the girl so Pauly can get a good angle as she twerks
Then Nicole makes her feel part of the group by grabbing her boob and smacking her ass. Eventually the gang calls it a night when Snooki falls down the stairs and on the street.
Thoughts so far? I am going to admit I didn’t watch this show much in its original form so I have gone back and watched the first few seasons. Lets just say that I am glad the only Sammi that came back was in Real Doll form. Episode 2 coming at you soon!
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