Well bless my heart! My favorite “Charm”ers are back! BACK! Yay!!!! The first episode sets the tone that there is a new young group of alpha bitches in charge, the men continue to be feckless Peter Pans, Patricia is getting MARRIED (what?!), Cam is about to burst out her spawn, there’s a new cloyingly annoying Fembot, and the show is blissfully, quietly free of her:
“We miss you, Landon!”
– No one
Hello there! I’m MissKitty, and I have been recapping this show since T-Rav looked 50 instead of 74, Whitney had a movable forehead (and a plot line), and Shep had a vocation. Just kidding. That has never happened. My apologies for the delay in getting this up. My streaming service didn’t get the episode until very recently! Are you READY? Me too! Let’s go!
We open with my FAVORITE Southern Charm tactic- a fast-forward to an event with lots of DRAMA! Cam and Whitney are dancing, which is a nice change of pace from fucking- I mean, didn’t you get the feeling last year there was something going on with those two?! Austin STILL is somehow unable to close his mouth:
We see various other party goers. Ho Hum. This is boring. OH Yo OH Yo…
KDENN, on-again/off-again/on-again/off-again/off-again/off-on-again paramour and mom of two with TRav is really laying into some animatronic sex doll! Wait.. is it? Yes, it’s Ashley, Thomas’s new girlfriend. Let’s watch… The two are spitting like cats, while Thomas stands and stares blankly at Kathryn. Ooooo They both get into it, with Ashley calling Kathryn both a baby mama and an egg donor. I can say this with the utmost confidence that in less than 30 seconds into this show:
MissKitty doesn’t like this bitch.
Morning time, and Cam is getting up with her gigantic belly. To all who may be new to MissKitty’s recaps, MissKitty has elected to never ever ever have children. Don’t ask her to touch your alien mound, view your sonogram, or babysit.
“EHN!” MissKitty has to pee just looking at this.
Shep is shown driving through Chik Fil-A and Craig is spray painting a popcorn ceiling on probably one of his 57,428 projects. Patricia is shown trying on a hideously ostentatious diamond.
Your roots are showing, dear.
One of my favorites from last season, Chelsea (nickname- Chels) is skateboarding with her dog. Austin is being a grown up and dunking Oreos in milk. Kathryn, with a new haircut, is smudging her new apartment.
You’ll need to burn one as fat as a bunch of bananas to get rid of the bad juju/old man smell there, gurrrl
TRav comes down with the kids to go to school. He’s holding Saint, and the cutest kid on TV, Kensie is following.
Back at Cam’s she is looking over Palmer’s (her baby daughter to be) nursery. Of course, she has had an easy pregnancy, and also of course? From the back she looks completely like she never gained a single pound.
Come ON. Can you look bad, like, EVER?
Shep arrives with the chicken nuggets and Cam stuffs her face, and asks about his “winner” on Relationshep. Shep sadly relays that even though the object of his affection that he went up to New York City to woo RomCom-style was younger than he is, she wanted to (crazily!!) go to bed at a decent hour and not stay out until 4am. So his quest for love continues. Is everyone as SHOCKED as I am? ::shifty eyes::
“GARSH! What do you mean you have a JOB?”
Next, we see Danni, one of my faves! visiting Kathryn with an ADORABLE fluffy baby aka the BEST kind! A furry cutiepie named Lucy.
Kathryn shows Danni around the apartment, and she is very proud. MissKitty approves. Danni suddenly grabs Kathryn’s arm, which looks like she was sleeping in the Conjuring house.
“They whispered for me to leave, but I didn’t listen”
Dayum! It turns out it’s from a Blood Alcohol Test, one of the mandatory stipulations I guess for sharing custody of the children again. I’d love to see the results of Thomas’s. That motherfucker’s blood would be straight Gentry Bourbon fizzing out with Coca Cola. Kathryn asks Danni how she is, and Danni pulls a comical face.
Hahaha- Totally have made that face
Turns out Danni didn’t get married to her dad after all! Aw. I’m sorry Danni. But it’s better to find out beforehand! Kathryn reveals that one of the next phases of their shared custody is that the Nanny is getting canned. We segue over to Thomas’s where the soon-to-be-ex Nanny is puttering around.
Dude- I’d have fired her for putting together that outfit. Also… Saint sure has gotten…cu-… bigger, heh..
And in walks Ashley, aka Fembot, who looks SUPER enthused to be in Thomas’s presence.
“Bee boo bee boo let me put on my simper face”
T-Rav replays the achingly romantic way they met aka she beckoned him from across a bar in California. She looks at him with vacant happiness while he leers that they can always pork for cardio, while the nanny chuckles adoringly. SO GROSS.
Danni asks if Kathryn has met the Fembot, and Kathryn admits that Thomas never confirmed that they were officially dating, but Kensie revealed that “Ashley sleeps in Daddy’s room”. NICE. Is anyone else surprised that Thomas didn’t admit that he has a new piece of ass? Me either. KDenn jokes that Ashley being a nurse will come in handy. Yeah, I have to agree. His liver alone probably needs a defibrillator to keep him from turning Simpsons-yellow.
Woo hoo! Two more of my favorite chicks are in the next scene, Chels and Naomie!
We find out that Naomie and Craig have split up and Craig has moved into a fixer-upper with a roommate, Sean.
All I care about is WHERE IS GIZMO?
Naomie bemoans being single in Charleston, saying everyone is either married, has slept with her friends already, or has an STD.
Pretty sure she means you
She asks about Austin (speak of the virus), and Chels breaks it down. Austin never got a new job, and was perfectly okay with Chels picking up his food and beer tab when they went out. She said he still was living like a frat boy. Color me NONPLUSSED.
We see Herpes Simplex 32 walk into the bar, waiting to meet up with Shep. He jokes that he gets so much done during the day, as we see his version of sewing and carting Gizmo around in a wheelbarrow, you know, the same thing everyone made fun of Craig for. I guess when Austin does it, it’s okay. ::crickets::
Pair of real Go-Getters
Austin and Chelsea went their own ways, and typical of a needy douchebag, he found someone within six seconds–Victoria, one of Chelsea’s friends.
You may want to get that “new freckle” on your vag looked at. Just sayin’
Chelsea had to distance herself. Yeah. BEEN THERE. Austin and Victoria broke up, and Austin hints that “the door is open” for an Austin/Chelsea reunion!
We know your mouth is ajar 24/7/365, and now the door is, too
We segue over to everyone’s favorite mannequin, failed [fill in the blank], mummy’s boy, consonant swallower, closet vampire and irrational woman-hater, Whitney, in one of his ubiquitous track suits.
Looking as wax-dummyrific as ever!
We learn that Patricia is engaged to a mysterious “Mr. C” and Whitney is just as mystified as everyone else about it. We learn that he found out about her first marriage via telegram while away at boarding school in England.
Okay- this explains quite a lot actually; I feel kind of bad for you. Well, that passed.
Whitney and Cam discussed (in bed) Shep’s birthday, and they decided that he should throw an adult party at his house. Shep agrees, and both decide to recruit Craig to barbecue. Yes, Mr. Wait Until The Last Moment cooking for 20-plus people… what could go wrong??!
Thomas next drives up to a dilapidated little house, and it’s JD’s guest house! JD answers, and what MissKitty always hoped would never happen has come to be. NO! Not JD! He seemed so nice!
Sigh. Et Tu, JD?
We find out that JD and Elizabeth are separating. This actually made me genuinely sad. They seemed like two nice, normal people who were good friends as well as partners. Hint: MissKitty has done some digging, and it sounds like there may have been some infidelity on JD’s side as well. JD speaks about her not loving him anymore. Ouch.
You fucked up, son. But I still feel a little sorry for you.
Personally, I think Thomas is just relieved not to be the messed up train wreck for once.
Shep and Craig meet at the butcher’s to get meat for the party. Craig drones that he’s glad Shep and he are getting along again. Hold that thought. Shep runs down the guest list, and then curses when he finds out that Ashley and Thomas are going and that Kathryn and Ashley haven’t met yet. Or as that is known in Recapper– JACKPOT! The boys decide on ribs (hold that thought), brats, burgers and whole chickens.
It’s the day of the party, and Shep’s party planner is getting the table ready. Craig comes with the meat, and look! Aprons that he sewed!
Hahaha. Well. At least we know now he’s still sewing
Next the two geniuses decide to look at the giant grill.
::cheep cheep cheep cheep::
Because it’s these two pickled imbeciles, no one has bothered to look for any instructions or put together a cohesive plan of how long the various meats take to cook. We are next treated to a hilarious montage of epic fire failures and them bickering at each other like these two:
“Mrs. Meade, you know FULL WELL that you put newspaper with lighter fluid…Now Mrs. Merriweather, you must use the charcoal… I declare that oejoweiureiifjoieueuieojo9u”
We break to watch a completely boring montage of the Fembot trying on different outfits. She settles on a pair of hideous short shorts.
She yells that she doesn’t want to come off like a HOOCHIE (too late) and he smarms over her legs. “Thanks babe” she mewls. HATE. THIS. BAG OF HAIR. ALREADY.
The bickersons are still at it over the ribs. Oh lord and here comes Austin. Adorably, he does give Shep a Vietnam coffee table book, which excites Shep, because he’s watching a show about Vietnam on PBS.
Things don’t improve when Austin bitches that there are no appetizers or snacks.
“No cheese? No crackers?”
The three argue for longer than it would take for one of them to designate duties, and Austin goes to get some snacks.
Next the highlight of the show happens! The girls convene at Naomie’s house (which looks really bright and airy!) for a little pre-partying. Naomie, Chels, Danni and KDenn all sit around and gossip with wine. SERIOUSLY, HOW FUN DOES THAT LOOK?
The girls start doing some right proper trash talking about the dumb boys- including Shep’s lack of condom use (ew), and what a prick JD is. Elizabeth apparently was going to go to the party, but then JD told her he was going, so she got stuck home with the kids (I guess she didn’t know of any babysitters?). But Naomie is going to TOWN on JD! LOVE IT.
Hahaha totally using the “dumb guy” voice right now
Then the hammer gets dropped- Naomie and KDenn go OFF about JD and how all his “nice guy” act is just that- an act. WHOA!
I am loving the tea that is being poured right now!
Thomas and Ashley are shown getting ready still, and it’s so frankly nauseating, I can’t.
Back at argument central, Craig and the guys are still butting heads over the grilling. It’s hilarious. What a bunch of drama queens.
Ohhhh and then my FAVORITE PART! Danni lays it DOWN on Thomas’s girlfriend, and the other girls join in.
Hahaha Danni’s and Naomie’s expressions are EVERYTHING!
Chels pronounces Ashley THIRSTY and KDenn calls her DEHYDRATED. MissKitty calls them all her new virtual BFFs.
I’m loving seeing this foursome bond. We end with them heading over to the party, where Shep, Craig and Austin have mended fences and have stopped arguing. Can’t wait until next week!
What did you all think? Am I alone in my immediate visceral hatred of Ashley? Who wants to see Naomie go off on JD?! Hit me up in the comments, and let me know what you think about the new direction- less Whitney, Cam, and Patricia- more girl power!
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