Welcome back to Potomac, my little Trashcrabs! The most boringest place on the planet. That is, until our abominable Real Housewives rolled into town to prove that Potomac could be both boring AND atrocious. Aint’chya just itching to move here?
This week, we’re introduced to a new ‘Wife, a peppy, perky new gal by the name of Monique who is all too primed for this game. Like all good rookies, she is simply dying to prove her worth, letting brags and boasts spill from her mouth as she hangs off her wealthy husband’s shoulder and diligently curates her nearly improbable physical form. And most importantly, she pretends to be ignorant to these women’s shenanigans, acting dutifully agog that women really act this way in public. Oh Monique Samuels, good girl, you. You’ll do just fine in our little club.
Here’s her (stupid) tagline:
“I may be rough around the edges, but baby, so are diamonds.”
Monique must be a geologist because most diamonds I’ve seen are of the non-freshly-mined ilk (and thus, not rough around the edges).
But to make room for Monique, of course, we must cull one from the flock. And that poor, sad, bleating sheep is Katie Rost. Katie, the ever hopeful beauty queen, aimlessly wandering pretty and scared through a room full of black tie strangers, searching for a husband, searching for a purpose, searching for anything to give her existence on television – and in life – some semblance of meaning. Sadly, she never found it, and so we must pour poor Katie in a cab, give the sketchy driver her address, and hope she texts us in the morning.
Ah well. On with the episode, then?
We open on Gizelle the lucious Gazelle, who’s deep in her cave licking her fur and chuffing in the moss and doing all the other many grooming rituals necessary to primp for a date with a young buck.
Tonight, we learn, she’s seeing Kevin, the guy that she sang so joyfully about to her groupies at the salon. And for a refreshing change, Gizelle actually seems to like this guy (constantly putting down her own dates was a habit of hers that quickly grew tiresome – honey, if you don’t like them, don’t bring them on a four-hour booze cruise from which there’s no escape). Gizelle appreciates that Kevin is funny, handsome, charming, and independently wealthy of course, but what really seems to sell him is that he’s an old friend, so he puts up with Gizelle’s inexhaustibly persistent sass.
So, fast forward to the actual date at Kapnos Kouzina in Bethesda. Gizelle walks in in some slutty, strappy fuck-me pumps (as my mom calls them, so don’t yell at me for swearing if you’re reading this, MOM) and is positively giddy about meeting Kevin. They truly do seem like old friends as they hug sweetly and he asks about her mom (who probably doesn’t use the term “fuck-me pumps”).
Kevin also brought her a triple-tier presentation from Godiva, which is nice, I guess. Maybe I just think it’s weird when guys bring gifts on a date because the last one I got was – I kid you not – one of those big ass wine glasses that fits a whole bottle of wine. Guess what lasted longer – the guy who labeled me an alcoholic after two dates or the glass that would abet my drinking without judgment as I watched Diners Drives & Dives alone on a Friday night.
Ding ding ding.
What God hath brought together let no man tear asunder. <3
Anyway, there’s not a whole lot to say about this encounter other than it was a very lovely time for Gizelle and Kevin both and they seem like a compatible match. Lame jokes were made including a ballsy but on-the-mark “Pill Cosby” quip. Good one, Kevin! That would earn you one(1) over-the-shirt feelsy from Babylegs, but Gizelle is more discerning. Updates TK.