Hey, Trashies, it’s the first installment of VPR’s three-part reunion extravaganza! Let’s break this baby down…
So the gang has gathered at some other bar, because they’re too big to fit into SUR anymore. Under the purple lights of this fine XXLT establishment, the gang looks exquisitely beaten, bruised and bloated — the gals in their drippy, diaphanous nothings, and the guys suited-up and freshly shorn.
Andy says hello around the room, and skips Kristen by mistake. He asks Katie and Schwa how married life is. Schwa replies, “They say there’s three rings, the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and suffering.” Katie ominously doesn’t laugh. So it turns out Stassi attended their honeymoon in Bora Bora, to make sure nothing couply happened.
Suddenly, Andy brings up the Muffmunch, and Kristen pops up, right on cue. Andy says he says he misses Krazy Kristen. She says he may see her tonight, if he’s lucky. Spoiler alert: no such luck.
Speaking of The Incident, Andy asks Jax what exactly he saw. Jax says, “I opened up the bedroom door, and Kristen popped up from between Brittany.” Andy asks Kristen, who denies it, but James says he thinks it’s Kristen’s thing, getting with someone while her boyfriend is in the other room. She did it to Tom with Jax and himself. Whoa, wait a minute. Is he saying what we think he’s saying?
“Et tu, James?”
“I mean, third time’s a charm,” laughs James.
Andy asks Brit-Brit for her version. She says they were just drunk and did a stupid kiss. “I don’t even know how it frickin’ went down,” she says. Jax pipes up, “I know how it went down, I saw you.” The gang laugh their asses off. KFC says she would not keep up a lie for all this time, because lying is not what she’s all about. No, she’s all about never turning down oral sex, ever, ya’ll, m’kay?
On to the ass steaks! Ariana is grimacing and saying “ew, ew, ew” through this whole segment, so we’re guessing some other, even cooler things have happened to her since then.
“Where’s dental floss when you need it?”
On to the bridesmaids. Andy asks Stassi how it felt, after being in the doghouse for so long, to actually become a bridesmaid. Stassi says she can’t even articulate it. How amazing it was to become one with Katie! Her internal organs atrophied, their nervous system melded, and before you know it, she was a screaming, brainless automaton. Best of all, Katie stopped yelling at her!
“You should try it, Andy!”
Next, Andy tries to stir up some sh*t about the prenup. Katie doesn’t bite, but the subject turns to Shayna’s lack of one. Lisa says she personally would have had a prenup were she to marry Shay (lolol), in which she’d get 99% and he’d get diddly-squat. And she’d make him pee in the moat.
Now we learn Jax and Brittany moved, and are now floor-mates with Katie and Schwa. Apparently, Jax got mad about an AC-upgrade requirement, and gave KFC no time flat to pack up her Wonderbread and hit the road. Needless to say, Katie’s not pleased.
On to James. When the season started, he was Lisa’s star DJ (among all her many DJs), spinning at SUR and Pump five nights a week. We get a flashback of James DJ-ing at World Dog Day.
“Pick up your poop, ya jealous f*cks!”
Now we flash back to James texting at last year’s reunion, because he was upset Andy hadn’t talked about his Pump Sessions album.
“Andy won’t let me kill it, waah 🙁 “
Now Andy talks about Lisa’s summer Porsche. It turns out Lisa can’t take a Porsche out in the torrid monsoons of Beverly Hills, but she worked hard for it, honey, so we can all just shut up about that.
Now Andy asks what exactly Schwa said at the Porsche dealership that caused Katie to say his d*ck doesn’t work. Katie says he jumped to the convenient narrative that she’s a vicious alkie, so her feelings didn’t matter anymore. Hmm… as we recall, he said that if they didn’t have a wedding, he could buy a Porsche, only now he surely knows better. If they didn’t have a wedding, he could buy two Porsches.
Time to talk about Gay Pride. Lisa says she thought, “You know what? Fuck it, we’re going to stand strong for the community!” Katie glares at her for being brave and kindhearted, and making her look like an even bigger asshole than she already does just by living and breathing.
We flash back to Lisa’s awesome impromptu speech about standing strong in the face of such a heinous act.
“Now party your hineys off, dahlings!”
Sandy says he was very inspired by her speech. Lisa thanks Jax, Ariana and Tom, then breaks down, “Fifty people lost their lives. What do we do? We let them win and go home, or we stand strong.” Andy says, “Katie, you chose not to go in. Why?” Katie puts on her best scaredy-face, and says she feared the rubber onesie.
“Oops! I mean, I feared for my miserable, worthless life”
Stassi joins in to defend Katie. She says she walked to Katie and Tom’s that day, and she was terrified, because there were tanks everywhere, and — oh, no, that was just Katie, lumbering by in her trench coat with a bag of chips.
Lisa jumps in to say, “I’m glad I came out that day and made that decision, because f*ck terrorism.” How fabulous! I am all about Lisa right now! She can throw away all the little bald poms she wants, for all I care, she’s da bomb.
Now here’s the juicy part: It turns out Katie & Crew weren’t the least bit scared their friends might get killed at Pride that day, but they were outraged at the sight of Sandy peeling off his shirt on the bar. Also, they were mad about Ariana showing her ass, because it was so much less assholish than theirs. They bark in unison about how Tom and Ariana were having fun, while they were cowering at home with a jumbo bag of chips and a vat of ranch dressing.
So Katie sent them a vile text message…
It’s called being a bartender, ya fuckwaffle
Sandy weeps about the mean text, causing Schwa to risk the fires of eternal damnation and tell Katie it was in poor taste — as opposed to the lemon wedge Ariana jammed in her ass, which was in very good taste.
Back to the flashback, Ariana says how pathetic, they’re huddled in the apartment with a bag of chips, trying to one-up the other on how sad they are. She talks about how she’s a straight-ish, white-ish, cis-gender-ish person with a lot of privilege (because she’s so great), how could she call herself an ally of the LGBTQ community if she didn’t go?