Greetings, Trashies! It’s time for VPR’s third and final installment of the season 6 trip to Mexico. True to VPR form, this trip ends with a bang; or maybe not. You be the judge…
We open on the beach, where Katie, Kristen and Stassi settle on loungers. Stassi says she’s all better now, because she took a sleeping pill and didn’t wake up until 1:30; she didn’t even wake up when Kristen came in, which turns out was around 7:30 or 8:00. They’re all, “Kristen!” and Kristen sighs, and says, “I know.”
Katie says, “Kristen, I have something to say. When the Toms came back from golfing, they said that you and James had hooked up.” Kristen just sits there biting her lip, like a guilty person.
Twelve hours earlier…
The gang parties at Santino Bar, where Schænə is drunkenly slurring to Jax, “D’you wanna know why? I was really pissed off at you, and I wanted her to have a great f*ckin’ time.” Jax says to KFC, “If you want to leave me, you would have left a long time ago,” and takes off, which is where we left things last week.
The gang parties hardy while humping each other with a penis flute, then James approaches the DJ, and says he has a song he’d like to play. He whips out a thumb drive, and as the dulcet tones of Don’t Look Down throb through the club, he interviews, “This is See You Next Tuesday, Mexico edition: ¡Hasta el Próximo Martes!”
The gang shouts, “That was f*ing awesome! International DJ!” and Lalz hollas, “Kennedy, you f*cking slay life!” Just then, Kristen does the splits, and starts humping the floor, while giving James goo-goo eyes.
James interviews that honestly, he’s fine with Kristen basically sliming up the floor and shtupping right in front of him. Once she’s done with the floor-humping, she goes up to James and tells him, “I’m a really fun girl.” So there they are, drinking and laughing, which Stassi finds freaking weird, because these are two people who hate each other. Here we get flashbacks of James and Kristen hating on each other.
It’s time to blow this shit. Jax tucks a bottle of vodka into his pants, and the gang stumbles back to Andaz.
It’s 8:17 the next morning, and all the beds are occupied, except Kristen’s and James’s, which are suspiciously made.
Jax wakes up Brit, and tells her he’s pissed at Schænə, but more importantly, he walked out this morning and saw Kristen and James alone together by the pool. Brit-Brit says, “Well, d’ya think they were hookin’ up?” Jax asks one of life’s eternal questions. Why, at 7:30 in the morning would you be in a pool drinking with your ex-boyfriend? KFC is all, “Hold up there, Sherlock Holmes,” but Jax takes her to witness for herself, Exhibit A, the crime scene.
Jax explains that the positioning of these cushions can mean only one thing — sex. And he bases this on the fact that he’s had plenty of pool sex, and this is exactly how one positions cushions for that purpose: so they overlap in the corner, and dig into the boink-ee’s tailbone. He says he saw the suspect, Kristen Doute, drinking alone by the side of the pool, which is suspicious, because she’s a social drinker. And that can only mean one thing…
No, silly. It means Kristen wasn’t out there jacking off by the pool all by herself, because by definition, social drinkers don’t drink alone. Sure enough, all of a sudden James comes running up behind Jax, grabs a bottle of vodka and soda, and tears out to the pool. Jax says, “I’m going to bed, guys,” and he’s out.
Q.E.D., mystery solved.
Just wondering. If Kristen is the suspect, what does that make James, the victim? Jax doesn’t say, but the crackerjack Bravo Captions Department calls James ‘the accomplice’, because if he wasn’t there to ‘help’ Kristen, this pillow thing would have been even more embarrassing for her than the floor hump at Santino’s.
KFC thinks that if Jax put half the effort into their relationship that he put into solving this crime, they’d be fine. Or at least, he’d be an accomplice, and not just a mere victim.
Meanwhile, back at Villa Rosa, Lisa takes a private moment to ignore Giggy, when Ken enters with another dog, who happens to share his hairstyle and general facial expression. Her name is Monroe, and sadly, she was dumped at the shelter by her owners, who didn’t want her anymore.
Lisa gets down on the floor with Monroe, and says she’s taken in a lot of stray dogs who are doing very well. Ken asks who she’s thinking of, and Lisa says James. It turns out See You Next Tuesday is a big success, so you never know with these stray doggies that you give a kajillion second chances to, plus a cut of the bar.
She interviews that she made a rule for herself when they started Vanderpump Dogs Rescue Center that she would not be falling in love with every stray dog and taking it back to Villa Rosa. It’s not like owning a restaurant, where you can take home food to go. They’re dogs, not goat cheese balls, for chrissake. She tells Ken that Monroe can take a little Villa Rosa break, then go back to the center and meet some other nice people, who live someplace else.
Then, for good measure, she adds, “I don’t like the name Monroe.” Ken replies, “I don’t, either, but we can’t change it unless we keep her.” Lisa shoots him the eyeball, then mutters, “I’m gonna get in trouble.”
Back in Mexico, Sandy gets suited up for golf. Ariana says, “You know, Tom, leave it to you to never have played golf in your life, and yet have the most on-point outfit.” He does a little dance, and she giggles.
Over at Schwa and Katie’s, Schwa brushes his teeth, while suspiciously saying he doesn’t remember much about last night after the drinking, dancing, wife-kissing, and penis flutes. Hmm…
At Schænə and Lala’s, La gets roses from Randall, and exclaims what a good man he is. Schænə says, “You’ve got a good one, too.” Lala asks if Rob gives Schænə flowers. Ooh, good question. Schænə thinks for a minute, then says, “I’m not a flower person, really.” She interviews that she would hate it if Rob gave her flowers, because they just die. She thinks flowers are ‘hashtag basic’, and besides, where would she put them, in her couch-arm’s drink holder?
“Okay,” says Lala, “Like, what would he give to you?” Schænə says, “I don’t like presents,” and explains that she likes affection.
La interviews, “I don’t know why Schænə feels the need to pretend anymore, we all see right through it. She ain’t getting affection, and she’s not getting gifts. Waah, waah, waaaaah.” She helpfully tells Schænə that her man is really into giving gifts, and she loves getting gifts, to which Schænə replies, “Anything I want I get for myself. I’m just so simple, I guess.”
Lala says, “Hmm,” then cuddles up with Schænə’s frog, and a baba of wawa.
It’s 11:37 am, and the guys hit the links for some drunk golf, plus a little hair of the dog. Schwa is too drunk to get out of the cart. Sandy can’t hit the ball, but he twirls a mean baton. James breaks the rules by driving on the tees.
While James takes a minute on his phone, the guys quickly gather to gossip. Jax tells them about the cushions, and by way of proof, shows them a picture of the cushions. When James comes up, Sandy asks if he hung out with Kristen the night before.
James drunkenly says, “Did I what, you say? Hang out with Kristen? Uh, a little bit, but not really.” Jax laughs and laughs. He gives James a hug, saying they were meant to be friends, then interviews, “Yeah, I mean, my evidence and surveillance was pretty good, but, I mean, he just full out confessed he did this. He said, ‘Yes, so what, we hooked up.'” Um… no he didn’t?
Then he shows James the pic of the cushions, in case James even thinks of denying it. The guys say, “Don’t worry, no one’s gonna narc on you.” James gets all defensive, saying he would never cheat on Raquel, and besides, he’s over Kristen, “I don’t think she’s sexy or hot at all! I have a sexy girlfriend, she’s about to be Miss USA!” He doesn’t want to fight with Jax, and tearfully accuses the guys of bullying him. Sandy says, “If you cry I’ll kill you,” because bitch better not steal his look.
James is crushed. This is the last thing he expected after all that bro-bonding with Jax.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel, KFC and Schænə are getting a massage — because if Schænə wants affection, she’ll buy it herself, thank you very much. KFC flashes a distinctive sideboob tattoo while Schænə drones on about date night with Adam, pretending she went to all that trouble because she cares so durned much about how badly Jax treats Brit.
Meanwhile, Kristen is taking a shower while chatting with Stassi. She interviews, “I don’t totally remember last night, but fuck it,” adding with a shimmy, “¡Viva la México!” She says she has sand in her hoo-ha, then uses Stassi’s towel to dry up. Suspiiiicious…
Back to Schænə and KFC, who are resting in bathrobes and discussing James and Kristen with Lalz and Ariana. Lala believes something happened, at least a little kissy-kissy. She points out sagely, “Once the d* has entered one of your holes, it’s easy for it to reenter,” at least, in Lala Land.
Schænə says, “If Jax knows, Carter and Raquel are going to find out.”
Back at TomTom, Lisa gets into a hydraulic lift with six-inch heels and a pink hardhat. In comes Ken with Monroe, who’s sporting a high ponytail, and tells Lisa to get down. Lisa says TomTom is shaping up. It’s not sexy yet, but it will be, once the Maestro does his magic. It’s gonna be kind of an unusual combination, she tells Ken, because you have the juxtaposition of the velvet “booths” with the cast iron “lamps”, if you know what she means. “Ambiance is paramount with this project,” she says.
Lisa wonders why the Toms are in Mexico while she’s stuck having hot flashes at TomTom. Ken asks the reason for the trip, and Lisa say they’re celebrating Jax’s birthday, which Ken finds unbelievable. Lisa says Brittany’s arranged it all, and adds, “I’m waiting for her to see the light. When is she going to turn around and say, ‘You know what? I’m better than this’?”
Ken says, “She’s a simple girl from the country, and Jax is a man of the world, living in Hollywood.” Lisa retorts, “Why am I feeling that this is an analogy as to our relationship?” He says it has nothing to do with their relationship. Besides, says Lisa, “I wouldn’t have put up with your bullshit.”
“You did,” says Ken.
“Absolutely not!” cries Lisa. She interviews that when she met Ken, he had women’s clothing shoppes, where many pretty girls went to get dressed, and also wine bars, where they all went to get undressed. She says, “If you’d been arrested for stealing, or fooling around, shagging one of my friends, you’d think I’d have put up with that?”
“Well, not quite,” says a chuckling Ken.
“Not at all,” retorts Lisa.
“Ha ha,” says Ken — touché, as they say.
Meanwhile in Mexico, we’re back where we started the episode, on the beach with Katie, Stassi and Kristen. Stassi says sleeping pill blah-blah-blah, and Katie kicks off the drama. “Kristen, I have to say something,” she shares. “When the Toms got back from golfing, they said that you and James hooked up.” Kristen leaps bolt-upright and snaps, “Bull f*cking shit!” unlike in the original version, when she just sat there biting her lip, and looking guilty.
Katie tells her, word is James said it. Kristen denies vehemently that she would ever even think of cheating on Carter. Stassi suggests she might have blacked out, then interviews that Kristen lied to them about The Couch and The Beemer Boink, and God know what else. Kristen says she’s about to knock someone’s ass out. Just then, they are joined by the Toms, Ariana, Peter, Jax and Brit.
Kristen says, “Alright, let’s f*cking talk, right now. James Kennedy said that I hooked up with him?” Jax says, “We asked him what happened, and he goes, ‘We fooled around a little bit, so what?'”
“That did not happen!” shouts Kristen, “I feel like a crazy person!” She interviews, “I did not have sexual relations with that boy,” perhaps not realizing she’s quoting one motherf*cker of a f*ing cheater. Jax says, “Don’t yell at ME, he admitted it at golf today.” Sandy interviews that he asked James straight up if he ‘hooked up’ with Kristen, and he said, “Uh, maybe a little bit.” Then we see the flashback of Sandy asking if James ‘hung out’ with Kristen.
It turns out this telephone game from hell didn’t get resolved until eight months later, when the gang got their advanced copies of the episode ahead of the reunion, so there will be a lot more of this BS ‘misunderstanding’ drama for weeks to come, yay.
Now something perhaps more intriguing happens; Kristen asks Schwartz what happened to him last night, and he said he ended up at a different resort, and got a ride back from the guys who work there. Katie is very upset, so Schwa says reassuringly, “Who the f*ck cares?” Katie says, “I care when my husband gets blacked out.” He says, “I wasn’t blacked out, I remember all… well, most of everything.” Let me guess, except for the kissing.
Katie says this is the last straw, and he’s not drinking for the rest of the day. Tom says he’s fired from TomTom, and Jax jokes that it’s just called Tom now.
After the drama on the beach, Peter goes back to his room, and finds James barely awake, with a half-drunk bottle of vodka next to the bed. He vodka-shames James, while the poor bug helplessly flails about, blinding himself with the bed-reading lamp. Once things settle down, Peter asks if James said something like, “Who cares if we hooked up?” James says, “No!” then adds, “What did Kristen say? Kristen’s gonna be livid.” Peter says, “She was livid — with you.”
“Oh, for f*ck’s sake,” says James.
It’s Suit Night, or at least Sandy thinks it is, and the gang gets dressed for dinner. Kristen shows Stassi a text from James saying, “Before you go listening to any nutcase, it’s all a lie,” or something like that. Kristen growls, “He’s the one who fucking said it!” She interviews, “Starting this rumor is James’s lame attempt at fitting in with the guys, at my expense.” She tells Stassi she’s going to knock his f*cking ass out. Stassi says, “Let’s not be impulsive.”
On the bus heading to dinner, Sandy asks Jax where his suit is. Jax says it’s too hot. Sandy replies, “Fuck you, dude.” He interviews that he went to a lot of effort to get these short suits, and he’s really pissed off that Jax and Schwa decided not to wear theirs, it’s annoying.
The gang arrives at Catch, and James interviews that Kristen reminds him of a Venus flytrap. If she gets you, you have to play dead, and slowly squirm out of her grasp without her noticing, but then if she sees you — slam! — it’s suppertime.
Hoping for a sympathetic ear, Schwa tells KFC he wants Chili’s. He’s not craving ceviche right now, he wants hangover food, such as Applebee’s, the Olive Garden or Outback; unlimited bread sticks, oh my God. Annoyingly, KFC sits there pretending she’s fine with ceviche. Schwa growls, “I know you like it too, come on.”
Around the table, all the people with absent significant others are facetiming, except poor Stassi, so she tells Katie she’s starting to feel insecure about her wide open sham of a relationship. She explains that Patrick wanted her to text him when she got to Mexico, and she forgot, which made him mad, because he so hates waiting by the phone for her texts. So now he’s back home banging up a storm, conveniently unencumbered by phone distractions, and she’s scared to call him because she knows he’ll block her.
Kristen asks KFC if she read her texts, because James is claiming he didn’t say it. KFC says, “I know, but he definitely said that, ’cause sketti ‘n butter.” Kristen says, “Sh*t is going down,” then turns to Katie and says, “I will knock his ass out.” Katie replies, “Breathe, breathe, breathe.”
Just then, Sandy makes a toast to Brit for the trip, and to Jax for his birthday, then invites the gang to TomTom next week, so they can see how far Lisa has come along while they’ve been gallivanting on the beach picking truly stupid fights. Schwa offers to serve them drinks, then stifles a panic attack. Jax says, “I know deep down inside you want me as head bartender, but I got this job opportunity.” KFC looks daggers at him.
“That’s why you don’t want me, though, right?” jokes Jax, not realizing his buddies are mere puppets, and could no more hire Jax than select a stemmed glass for their fine establishment. All of a sudden, to the horror of everyone gathered, Kristen gets up to make a toast. After the obligatory thanks and happy birthdays ‘for the fifty fifth million f*cking time’, she says, “And James Kennedy, you said that we hooked up.” A hush falls over the table.
James says, “Kristen, why would I say that? I have a girlfriend, you have a boyfriend. Why would I say something like that? I never said that.” Kristen retorts, “Well, there are four boys here that said you did.” Boys, hahahah! James asks, “Who said it? Who said it, which guys? Come on.”
Sandy pipes up. “You said something along the lines of, like, ‘Yeah maybe we hooked up a little bit, like, whatevah, like.” Apparently, Sandy thinks ‘hanging out’ is the same as ‘hooking up’, which should worry Ariana a little bit, now that her ‘no sex for a year’ punishment for the drag season is over, and she’s back to banging Sandy while faking multiple orgasms.
“I didn’t say it!” cries James, “I know I didn’t say it!”
“Own what you say, just own it!” says Jax, who’s stolen everything he owns. Schwa pipes up, “I remember it verbatim! You were like, ‘Maybe a little bit,'” he recalls, with his awesome memory.
James interviews, “It’s really f*cking annoying getting ganged up by these four f*cking old men. Tom doesn’t know what he’s talking about, Schwartz can’t put a baby sentence together, and thirdly, Jax, pathetic old fucking fat-t*rd, can’t do anything with his f*cking life except cheat on his fat girlfriend. I’m f*ckin’ over it.”
Kristen howls, “You’re lucky I don’t knock your ass out! You’re exactly who I thought you are, a f*cking piece of shit!” James shouts, “I don’t give a f*ck! You know what, Kristen? You’re an attention seeker. Shut up!” Kristen gets up and throws her drink in his face, which also lands on Lala, who rants in interview about what a bitch thing that is to do as compared to shoving, complete with flashback. James jumps up and shouts, “White f*cking trash! You pathetic f*cking stupid whore!” then jumps up to leave.
Stassi tries to intercept him, but he insists he never said such a thing, and if he did, it was just as a sarcastic joke. He and Lalz take off, and that’s where we leave things for now.
¡Viva la vida VPR!
Next on VPR, Lala is open and honest about her lips. Also, Jax confronts Adam about his so-called crush on Brit, then calls everyone liars and gets kicked out of SUR.
Till then, Trashies…
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