The Big Little Lies finale was better than this one. If you haven’t seen that limited series, I highly recommend it. Girl power!
Don’t screw with us … on second thought, please do try.
On this “extended” (read as: yet again, just more commercials) finale, we get to see more of Sasha’s and Abraham’s brief romance. It must be close to Easter, because this episode hops through time at Expert Level: Easter Bunny. Speaking of EB, why are all the EB costumes scary as shit? I could post lots of examples from Google, but I’d piss myself and then who would recap this deplorable season finale?
We open with a close-up of Sasha’s face, in the dark, listening to Donny Hathaway’s “Someday We’ll All Be Free” on headphones. She’s sweaty and short of breath. That’s either for a very good reason or a very bad reason.
On this show? It’s always the latter.
Sasha says, “Wake up” to herself, and suddenly, we’re back in time, on the day that Abraham died. Abraham has just told Sasha to wake up from a nap on the couch in one of the Alexandria houses.
Le sigh. Michael Cudlitz, we hardly knew ye and thine horrible dye job.
Abraham tells her that something’s wrong with Maggie’s baby, and Rick’s taking her to Dr. Carson at The Hilltop to check on the fetal future. Abraham’s going to volunteer to go with him. Sasha doesn’t want Abraham to go.
In real time, Sasha wakes up in her cell in the morning. Negan comes in with a covered breakfast tray and his stupid red cravat.
Crinkled … for her pleasure.
He tells Sasha it’s a big day, and just a few Alexandrians have to die in return for her assassination attempt. Then he lifts the cloche to reveal the most ironic TWD breakfast ever.
Top Chef! Look at those sweet knife skills on the strawberries.
Then we cut to Sasha, obviously in the past, sitting with Maggie and staring at something expectantly that we can’t see.
This is some bullshit. Enough with the symbolism.
Back in the Alexandria jail cell, Dwight is trying, unsuccessfully, to convince Rick & Co. that he’s on their side. Tara, who hasn’t begun to get over Denise’s death, is less interested in his changing loyalties and more interested in dismembering him with the sharpened edge of a bobblehead doctor doll. Daryl almost beats her to it, but then Dwight reminded him that Sherry helped him escape before she ran away herself. Since Dwight’s only reason for loyalty to Negan was keeping Sherry safe, Rick should trust him because a Sherry-less Dwight is a Negan-hating Dwight. Daryl is still holding his cutlass to Dwight’s eyeball, being goaded by Tara in the background to just do it.
Daryl should use his knife to take out a tooth or two. Dwight has too many.
I take back what I said about him being a 7 or 8 pre-iron.
Darryl relents just as Rosita helpfully offers that The Saviors have Sasha, if she’s even alive. Jesus points out that Dwight may be their only opportunity to get Sasha back. Prisoner exchange! I think Sasha’s worth at least five Dwights, though. Dwight tells them that Negan will be there tomorrow with 20 Saviors. Dwight says he can stall The Saviors visit by knocking down some trees across the roads to give Rick more time to get ready.
Dwight has thought this shit out: He says that after Rick takes out the 20 Saviors, Dwight will radio back and tell The Sanctuary that everything’s fine. Rick & Co. can drive The Saviors trucks’ back and then take out everyone there. Then they’ll go from outpost to outpost, merrily killing until all The Saviors are dead.
Not what he had in mind.
Specifically, Dwight thinks that they can get the workers at The Sanctuary on their side and really build up their army before killing the outpost Saviors.
Hey, it’s “a” plan, right?
They decide to let Dwight go and knock down some trees. As he leaves, Daryl says he’ll kill him if he’s lying and Rick astutely points out that, if Dwight’s lying, it won’t matter.
It matters to Baby Rosita. Denise’s bae is pissed.
Sasha’s face flashes back to that day-that-Abraham-died memory. He tells her he has to go and she tells him she had a dream about him. Then we cut to her in the Easy Street cell, where Negan’s summing up, “That’s what I need from you”. He tells her that he’s going to bash three more people to death in Alexandria, but that’s all he’ll kill. She bargains him down to just one person smooshed and he agrees.
Probably because his too-tight neckerchief is making him woozy.
Punishment is really important to Negan. I think JDM should punish his TWD acting coach.
Jesus is catching Maggie up at The Hilltop about the war plans. Rick wants Maggie and The Hilltoppers to stay where they are so that Negan thinks they’re still under their thumb. Runaway Greggy makes things more complicated. Maggie’s considering providing backup to Alexandria for the Negan ambush but isn’t quite sure what to do. Enid hands her Glenn’s/her dad’s pocket watch to help Maggie think.
Time is short, lady. DECIDE!
A contingent of Kingdom fighters walks through town, headed toward Alexandria. It’s lead by Ezekiel, Shiva, and Carol. That trio needs a show in Vegas. The Kingdomers run into the same grocery carts blocking the main road that Richard had set up a few days ago, like some fiendish Groundhog Day. It was Morgan who set them up this time. He tells Ezekiel he plans it as a roadblock for traveling Saviors, whom he will take out all by his lonesome, with only Benjamin’s ill-fitting armor and his stick to defend himself.
Hey, it’s “a” plan, right?
Carol tries to convince Morgan that his plan sucks to no avail. Then the King steps up. Ezekiel uses every word in the Middle English Dictionary to convince Morgan to join them instead, and it works. Huzzah!
Three garbage trucks drive into Alexandria’s open gate. At first, I think it’s The Saviors until unwashed, greasy haired The Cure groupies pour out of the trucks and I realize it’s actually the allied “Scavengers”.
Bangs saunters up to Michonne and Rick with her two capos, Tamiel and that dude who lives in a van down by the river. She is impressed with Alexandria. Rick tells Bangs they fight for the people they love, not the place, and she’s like barf barf barf but I’d like to screw you when this is all over — is that ok with you Michonne? I wish Bangs would play a journalist and give Sean Spicer a run for his money at the next press conference.
Rick and Michonne beg off to prepare for war and back away from Bangs slowly. Bangs don’t care. Rick was probably too clean for her anyway.
I like my men like I like my bacon — greasy and a little chewy. (See, Spicey? She likes you!)
Rosita is on dynamite duty with Aaron and Daryl in the back of moving truck pulled up to the front gate. They spend several gratuitous seconds showing them stripping wire and connecting it to other wires and then plugging those wires into C-4 and dynamite bundles inside the back of the truck, yada yada yada. Time filler.
Negan’s Saviors are chopping up the felled trees in the road Dwight must have knocked down earlier. Several of them are keeping watch, Dwight included. Simon asks Negan if he thinks the trees are an Alexandria ploy, and Negan doesn’t know, but if Rick did do it, he mentions they have a Plan B. Thanks for yet another ominously vague reference to some future event, showrunners. This show certainly doesn’t have enough of those. Eugene offers his services to talk down Rick & Co. once The Saviors arrive at Alexandria, in case they are going to do something. Sure, Dr. Phil.
Preparations are hurriedly ongoing at Alexandria. Some scavengers aren’t really into it, as this former off-Broadway star shows.
I AM Kathy in Singin’ In The Rain, dammit!
Tamiel’s doing her best Schwarzenegger impersonation.
Cigar Aficionado, bitches.
Michonne makes nice and splits sniper duties with a Scavenger with some serious traps. She thinks Michonne is battle nervous and throws her a smile and a “We win” before she heads off to a nearby sniper spot in a different building.
Whatever you say, Trap Queen.
Back to Face Sasha, sweaty and breathy and remembering more of that last day with Abraham. He’s trying to talk her into going with him and Rick to take Maggie to The Hilltop. Sasha tells him about her dream, how he died at the beach getting pulled under the waves and she couldn’t save him. He lightens the mood telling her that he hates the beach because the wet sand painfully exfoliates his balls.
And we all know I have to protect my firecrotch.
As a last resort, Sasha sputters, “Maggie’s gotta take care of Maggie”. Ouch! In real time, Sasha and Eugene are walking down the hall out of The Sanctuary and Eugene asks her if she’s reconsidered taking her “allergy medication”. Sasha says she has. Eugene says if people die today, it’s because of the choices they made. Sasha agrees.
Back to Sasha and Maggie sitting on a log, presumably outside of The Hilltop in some other past time. Sasha wants to know, “Why are we here?” I want to know why, too. It’s obvious they’re watching some sunset or sunrise, which none of us have done since college and we thought we were deep as fuck but we were just high. At least Maggie doesn’t break out into song.
Sunrise, sunset, time fillers, commercials …
The Saviors are here! The Saviors are here! Everyone at Alexandria, the Alexandrians and the Scavengers, are ready with guns raised and moving truck dynamite expertly poised to explode. But traitor Eugene … he’s on a megaphone on the flat bed of the front truck, spouting some shit that amounts to, “Don’t do it, Rick. You’ll be sorry.” Rick sees and hears Eugene and has his, “Awww, hell, no” face on.
Come on, universe, this is some bullshit.
No one can believe that Eugene went to the dark side so quickly.
Those were some good-ass pickles, people.
Rosita’s eyes are brimming with tears. She’s shaking her head “no”; even Father Gabriel’s face is like, “I know who my first bullet is for”. All The Scavengers are hiding, but even Bangs looks up at Rick from her crouch as if to say,
I smoosh with garbage truck?
Rick asks Eugene where Negan is and Eugene answers, “I’m Negan”.
No, you’re not.
Yes I am.
No, you’re not.
Yes, I am.
Ok, that didn’t happen, but I would not be surprised if it does next season, since the showrunners can’t find the bottom when looking for time filler scenes. What does happen is that, after a beat, Rick gives Rosita a nod, the signal that she can push the detonator button to blow up all the dynamite they set up in that moving truck just outside the front gate, right next to Negan’s trucks. The explosion will undoubtedly kill Eugene, but he made his bed.
No, I didn’t make my bed.
Yes, you did.
She pushes the button, Rick ducks, and …. nothing. No bombs go off, nothing.
Worst surprise birthday party ever.
Rosita and Rick look at each other, clueless and panicked. Just as Rick rises and goes for his gun to start this party, dozens of guns click off their safeties around Alexandria as THE SCAVENGERS TURN ON RICK & CO.! I have to admit, I didn’t see this coming, but I should have. Negan appears from the second Saviors truck with Dwight. A Savior rolls up the back door of the moving truck, showing the Alexandrians that their dynamite is still whole and useless.
Michonne looks through her scope to see Bangs with her gun on Rick and turns to get down out of her second-floor perch to help. Michonne practically runs into the end of Trap Queen’s rifle, pointed at her. Trap Queen, says, “We win”.
Irony … it’s not just for clean people anymore.
Negan calls Rick a prick and tells the Alexandrians to drop their weapons. Rick tells them to keep ’em up and turns to Bangs, who tells him that Tamiel made a better deal with The Saviors back when Tamiel took Gabriel and their supplies. Negan goes on a tirade about how much Rick sucks and he can’t believe he’d kill Eugene along with Negan and his Neganites. And then he flips him off.
We can’t ever have a Season 7 episode without at least one middle finger. That digit is a credited cast member at this point.
Negan has Dwight and Simon hop up on the flat bed of the truck Eugene gave his speech to uncover a large object draped in a tarp. They uncover a casket and stand it up on one end, facing Rick. Negan stands beside the casket and tells Rick that Sasha is inside, alive and well. In exchange for Sasha returned, Negan wants all of their Country Time,
because someone (lean back!) has his priorities (lean back!) IN ORDER!
all of their guns, and a person of Rick’s own choosing to be sacrificed to Lucille. Eric looks nervous.
Pick her! Pick her! She’s an even more minor character than I am.
Negan also wants Daryl back and the pool table and pool cues/chalk. If not, Sasha dies, and then all of the Alexandrians … probably, drawls Negan. He’s such a dick. Rick wants to see Sasha, and Negan acquiesces. As he’s opening the casket, we cut back to sweaty, breathy Sasha Face, still listening to Donny Hathaway.
Damn! This is a long song.
Sasha remembers telling Abraham that fateful day that her dream felt real, and that they lost this burgeoning relationship. In response, he kisses her gently and hugs her. She tells him to wait and he tells her everything she’s about to say. He knows she wants to go in his stead, that she feels terrible for saying that Maggie should take care of herself and the fetus, and that laying down your life for your friends, or in this case, the future of the human race, is the best they can hope for and it’s their damn job. Sasha agrees with him and they leave the house.
Cut to Sasha and Eugene leaving The Sanctuary building. Sasha sighs with contentment to feel the sun on her face. She confirms with him that their trip to Alexandria will take at least a few hours. He hands her an iPod, full of music, that he bought Sasha at The Sanctuary trade market. Eugene tells her they probably won’t be talking much on their way to Alexandria. He tells her that sometimes, he does think of other people besides himself and he wishes he was a better person so she would respect him. Sasha tells Eugene he can still be a better person and she’s not giving up. Not on him.
But the rest of us have. So any time you want to kill Eugene, show, be our guest.
On the flat bed of the truck, Sasha volunteers to stay in the casket for the trip, although Negan expected her to ride in the truck until just before they arrive at Alexandria. She says she just wants to sleep. All she needs is a bottle of water and she’ll be fine. Negan agrees.
Who wouldn’t choose a long-ass commute in a casket rather than in a truck cab with Negan and Eugene?
We see Negan close the lid on her, Sasha Face start Donny Hathaway on her old school iPod, and then watch her take the pill Eugene gave her when she asked for a weapon. Wow!
Cut back to Negan at the Alexandria gate, banging on the casket to get Sasha’s attention. He opens the casket and Zombie Sasha comes out, and grabs him, making Negan fall to the ground off the truck bed, with her on top of him. Carl uses the distraction to start shooting Scavengers and the rest of the Alexandrians follow suit. The Scavengers may be opportunists, but they’ve got slow reflexes. Or maybe it’s the hair gel.
Fingers stuck on safeties. Can’t shoot.
Michonne and Trap Queen are locked in a vicious fight. We see Carl, Rosita, Tara, Daryl, Aaron and Eric and others we know shooting and not getting shot (except Rosita gets wounded and Tara carries her off while Daryl provides covering fire). Bangs is still drawing down on Rick and he can only hopelessly look around from his watch tower perch, looking for his people and not helping anyone.
This is awkward foreplay.
Negan has managed to fend off Sasha’s bites but is still pinned underneath her until another Savior grabs her and she rips his face off. Simon helps Negan away to safety. Negan screams in frustration and then tells Simon, “Plan ‘B’ it is, then”.
There’s a lot of Plan B jokes I could throw in, but I’m not in the mood, show.
Bangs orders Rick down off the tower. Rick tells her they can make another deal. In answer, she shoots him in the hip and he falls to his hands and knees. Bangs kicks him off the tower.
Rick’s limp from his hip shot makes him walk like the pimp he is through Alexandria, followed by Bangs and her well-aimed pistol. Rick is trying to take everything in: Are they winning? He sees a lot of dead or surrendering Alexandrians so he’s not too positive, and then he sees where Bangs is taking him: a huge group of Saviors surround Carl, on his knees. Negan comes out from a house, closely protected by Dwight and Simon and says hello to Rick. We cut away to Michonne, who’s losing the battle with Trap Queen. She looks like Ronda Rousey after one of her last two fights.
We’re on the ground! Why am I not winning?
Back at Rick’s Waterloo, Bangs gets him to kneel on the ground next to Carl while she has quick reminder barter with Negan. Apparently, they agreed that Bangs would get to take 10 people if The Scavengers double-crossed Rick & Co.
I don’t know if Bangs is going to eat the 10 people or breed with them, but either way, I’m sure they’ll be covered in hair gel.
Carl tells Negan that he won’t win and Negan tells him to take a look around. It’s over. Rick takes a looky-loo too and sees a body falling from the roof of a house down the street and hears a scream. He thinks it might be Michonne. Negan sees the panic and distress in his eyes and figures out Rick just lost someone he really cares about. Negan is delighted, because he’s an asshole.
Negan tells Rick he’s going to kill Carl and then Lucille is going to take Rick’s hands as punishment for this uprising. Rick, in his cologne commercial best, tells Negan that he can do both but Rick is still going to kill him, and all of his minions.
In Denial: It’s not just where crocodiles hang out. It’s also the NEWEST scent from Rick Grimes.
Negan stands up and takes off Carl’s hat. On his upswing, Shiva leaps from scene right and eats a Savior’s face. Simon and Dwight hurry Negan away while The Kingdomers begin shooting up the place. Maggie and The Hilltoppers are there too. Maggie’s shouting something about a phalanx movement while Daryl has found a new, video game-grade weapon that shoots approximately 13,245 bullets a minute. Negan finds cover and unfortunately, sees that Maggie is alive and well and shooting at his ass. Morgan’s kicking ass, too, even shooting several guns but he’s toughest with his stick. Shiva attacks another Savior and things start going Alexandria’s way as the remaining Saviors hightail it toward the exits. The Scavengers, prepared for every eventuality (and I thought they were the dumbest group!), leave in an organized way by climbing over the walls after Bangs has her second shoot up a flare and a few Scavengers light and throw homemade smoke bombs to hide their retreat.
About 12 people fire at Negan’s truck as it heads out of Alexandria, but they never hit him, nor his stupid middle finger, which is once again raised in the air. The middle finger has become a symbol of this entire season. Apparently, the gesture (unsurprisingly) is supposed to represent a penis with testicles on either side. It is an ancient insult from the Greeks (BBC News).
I am both insulted and ancient at the end of this slow-ass season.
The Kingdomers give chase toward the front gate but have to retreat once a Scavenger closes the gate while a few Scavengers on top of one of the garbage trucks provide covering fire. One of the Scavengers has locked the gate using some legerdemain and a scarf. Garbage people are fucking talented. By the time Daryl gets to the top of one of the trucks to get a better view, everyone is gone.
Rick and Carl run toward Michonne’s building. In front of it, on the ground, they see Trap Queen and hurriedly climb the stairs to find Michonne, badly beaten but alive.
Back at The Sanctuary, Negan’s on the catwalk with Dwight, Simon, and Eugene, who’s now firmly in Negan’s inner circle. Dwight fills Negan in that everyone’s ready to fight whenever he says go. Negan’s happy about that. He turns to Eugene and asks why Eugene thinks Sasha died in that casket. Eugene makes up some believable lie about suffocation from the tarp. Negan buys it (sort of). Negan turns and faces his not-insubstantial audience
Obama Inauguration crowd or Trump Inauguration crowd?
and says they’re going to war.
Search parties are out looking for Zombie Sasha at Alexandria and its nearby woods to put her down and bury her. Jesus and Maggie find her, and they put her down together. We hear a voiceover of a conversation between Rick and Maggie about how much they all care about each other as we see Alexandria recovery scenes: Sasha’s burial, Aaron handing an apple to Jerry,
I was told there would be cobbler.
Carol joining Morgan on an Alexandria home stoop,
Sesame Street got hard after Kevin Clash got in trouble.
Daryl fixes the gate and as he closes it, he finds a hand carved wooden soldier, with “Didn’t know” carved on the back. I assume we’re supposed to think this is a note from Dwight, who likes to whittle and doesn’t mean to screw everyone over. Michonne and Rosita are recuperating in the old clinic under Rick’s and Tara’s watchful eyes. Rick, Ezekiel and Maggie stand on a improvised stage, giving speeches that are supposed to rile up the Alexandrians and allies after that significant ass-kicking. Maggie brings the voiceover convo back to Glenn and how wonderful he has always been. We see a final, close up shot of her holding his timepiece in her hand. And …. season! Ugh.