Greetings RHONY Trashies! Welcome to TENTH Circle of Hell Season of The Real Housewives of New York. The show where not a single one of them is a wife. Appropriate.
I am MisRed, if you don’t already know my work venom, my regular “beat” is Real Housewives of OC and am currently recapping Beverly Hills as well.
MisRed has watched RHONY since Season 1, so she is all caught up on the who’s mad at who and who said what blah, blah, blah- but a little review couldn’t hurt, right? Well, MisRed means, it COULD hurt, but a little pain from time to time is good, right? This is going to be a LONG one kids, MisRed apologizes.
Last season, we met Tinsley- who is the resident basket case. If you will recall, she was re-entering NYC “society” and was rooming with Sonja at her broke-down townhouse. Sonja was a great host though, giving her the run of the place and all of the passive aggressiveness and brown ice she could possibly want. UNTIL- Sonja felt Tinsley was leaving her out of things, and from then on Tinsley could do nothing right. She even threw Sonja a party as a “thank you” and initially Sonja was pissed off but softened slightly when Tinsley gave her a big gift card as a thank you gift. Pretty sure Sonja showed her boobs or vag at some point, but who can really keep track, she does it every season multiple times. Carole was devastated over the outcome of the Presidential Election but managed to get out of the dumps long enough to set Tinsley up with Scott, The Coupon King, get 17 cats all named Baby and to kick Adam (now her EX boyfriend) out of her apartment. Ramona and Bethenny fought over the fact that Ramona is an ungrateful, rude animal. Dorinda slurred her way through the season but continued to make it nice. She is still with John, the sweaty, sleazy dry cleaner, and she gave us “Clip, Clip, Clip” – an instant classic, a GIF MisRed has used many times over. LuAnn fell in a bush. She found out that it’s about Tom. Everyone warned her not to marry Tom. She married Tom. And can you believe it girls? she divorced Tom. MisRed has had longer relationships with a glass of wine.
Now that I have a rap sheet, I consider myself a rapper*
*if you want to buy this as a greeting card visit here: https://www.etsy.com/listing/570004100/real-housewives-of-new-york-countess
Oh, but how can we forget Lu’s off-season antics… arrested in Palm Beach (but was it West Palm or regular Palm- MisRed is too lazy to look) for you know- drunk and disorderly, assaulting a police officer, threatening to kill people, grand theft auto, breaking and entering, mail fraud, racketeering, making moonshine, solicitation of a prostitute, possession of 2,500 lbs of bath salts, immigration violations, just to name a few of the charges.
Let’s start the recap with this year’s tag lines, shall we? MisRed may add some commentary where warranted.
Carole: In the marathon of life, loyalty is everything. Oh gawd. Running the marathon will be Carole’s storyline this season.
Dorinda: I have a big heart, but little patience. And a low alcohol tolerance.
Ramona: Age is an issue of mind over matter: If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter! Okaaaaaaaaay? Ramona, as humble and delusional as ever.
Tinsley: Come on, why cook when I can order room service?! Um… why grow up and move into an apartment when you can waste money month after month living in a hotel?
Sonja: I’m not just a last name. I’m a legacy. Honey, a legacy? Of what, exactly? Being a tacky, thirsty ho-bag? The Morgan family is embarrassed of you, know that.
Bethenny: It’s great to be successful. But it’s even better to B Strong.
LuMan: The most interesting people make the best headlines. Interesting. Crazy. Criminal. Stupid. Yes, all of these people make good headlines.
Well, well, well, LuMan bringing up the rear. Isn’t that Sonia’s position? Oh no, that’s taking it IN the rear- MisRed’s mistake, darlings. Wonder how Bethenny feels to be knocked into second to last position?
We open at Ramona’s, still under renovation, apartment. MisRed assumes it’s taking so long because working with Ramona is so dreadful, these contractors immediately change careers after working at Chez Singer.
You can’t leave a mess, okaaaayyyyy?
She is currently badgering the contractor to make sure they pick up every speck of dust prior to rolling out carpet.
Over at Sonja’s, she is preparing something with a costume. AND… she has a dog that is dyed Red or Brown, I think. Or maybe the dog fell into Sonja’s ice maker. She refers to as “Smallz.” Isn’t one of Bethenny’s dogs named “Smalls?” Sonja’s dog is a “cheater dog.” And people- stop dyeing your dogs. It’s not nice.
Sonja is busting out some of her old crap- from her Cabburlesque episodes. Don’t worry, no one will remember you wore it before. Trust me anyone who goes to watch Sonja perform probably knows enough to show up drunk. Maybe she can put on some underpants this time. Why doesn’t Sonja just skin one of her interns?
Bethenny is getting glammed up for a shindig at the Museum of Natural History where she will be the keynote speaker and accepting and award for her humanitarian efforts for Hurricane Harvey and relief efforts in Puerto Rico. She receives a text from Ramona’s assistant wanting to know who is at her table for the event. Of course, Bethenny is annoyed. Ramona has zero awareness of the fact that Bethenny is probably tearing her hear out trying to get ready for this event. Clueless as always, Ramona.
We meet up with Tinsley, who is still living in a hotel. Obviously, this makes a ton of financial sense. But now she has a Chihuahua, named Bambi. Why is MisRed not surprised? She is even further unsurprised when the dog pees on the floor and Tinsley takes to it in “baby talk.” Get a mental picture of Tinsley walking a dog.
Later. I’m going to get a chalupa.
Also, you know if that dog had a middle finger it would be flipping Tinsley off 24/7.
Cut to Carole running. Ok, so that’s Carole’s big story line this season. Blonde hair and running,
Ahhhh Dorinda, how MisRed loves thee.
Apparently, Zoltar has transitioned and Dorinda is keeping her head in a fishbowl.
She talks to Zoltara and a bowl of Halloween candy. Yep, Dorinda is firmly ON her rocker this season. Dorinda is planning a Halloween party, the theme of which is “Famous People Dead or Alive,” so basically come dressed as anyone.
Dorinda plans to go as Lady Gaga in the “bubble dress.”
Look! There was enough Pink Dog left to make Dorinda a pair of mules
Dorinda believes she has ordered a dress- from the person who made Gaga’s dress for SNL or something- but what Dorinda receives is a box of acrylic balls. As it turns out she ordered a “Lady Gaga Bubble Dress KIT.”
Box of non-bubbles
She has no idea what to do with them, so she calls whoever is making this dress and they make a plan to glue the balls to a body suit.
At the Museum event Bethenny arrives and talks to the press and she talks about her relief projects. Bethenny explains to us that when Hurricane Harvey hit, she saw the devastation on TV and was moved to help. She says she really didn’t even know how to begin, but Tinsley was the first person to back her efforts by donating $10,000. And then Ramona donated $3,000 but made Bethenny promise that every day at 3pm she will bring her a pinot grigio and unpack her laundry for the next year. No word on if or what the other women donated. But I assume Luann donated her wedding dress, and Sonja sent some Wesson Oil from the late 70’s she had stored in her basement.
In her interview Ramona says that she donated as generously as she could. Uh, something tells me Ramona could have coughed up a little more than $3,000. Betch carries around a Chanel bag. Where’s all of that Ramona Pinot Grigio money??
Once the ball got rolling, Bethenny’s organization B-Strong organized efforts in Puerto Rico, giving out food, water and money to people in need.
Evidence of Bethenny carrying a box
MisRed recognizes there are some mixed feelings about Bethenny doing this and her motives, etc. MisRed lives in Houston and despite the fact that we had no damage during Harvey- many, many people in Houston lost everything- and every bit of help is welcome and appreciated. Thankfully, Houston is better able to recover than Puerto Rico, and MisRed is sure Bethenny’s efforts are helping the people there as well. It will just take A LOT more help in PR, unfortunately.
Ok, MisRed is off her soapbox.
Tinsley shows up sans curls. And Ramona arrives- OMG Ramona, cut that hair, you are 80 years old. She’s a little long in the tooth for that long straggly weave. But they are the only ladies that were invited. And Ramona is wondering why Carole isn’t at the event.
Obviously, we know now that Carole and Bethenny have had some kind of falling out, but hopefully we find out why exactly they aren’t close any longer.
Why does Dorinda have so many disembodied heads?
LuMan arrives at Dorinda’s apartment- they haven’t seen each other in a while. Dorinda tells LuMan that Lu is going to come live in the Berkshires with her. Dorinda, Lu has already been to jail. How is it going to help her to go to the Berkshires?
Maybe you could play the audio clip of Bethenny calling her a slut on a loop to make her feel at home. Lu is like- no YOU come to live with me in the Hamptons. Oh, sweet Jesus. These two could be a regular Grey Goose Gardens.
Ok, so here’s the interview we have all been waiting for- no, not Lu in a tennis dress sipping Rose with Queen Andy… we find out about Tom. Lu says she’s quite stunned to be divorced. She is really the ONLY one who didn’t see this coming. Seriously, even Stevie Wonder saw this coming. Pretty sure Nostradamus called this one. Lu says she was very happy with Tom- it was a whirlwind but she really did everything she could to make the marriage work, and sometimes love just isn’t enough.
MisRed has a hard time relating because a) she has no feelings and b) my marriage is VERY easy. And MisRed is extremely lucky because, believe me, MisRed is no picnic. But all relationships are work and sacrifice and compromise. And when only one person in the relationship is willing to make those allowances- the relationship will break. Not that I think Lu is some pillar of virtue – but she probably thought that SHE would be the one to break the wild horse. In MisRed’s opinion, if a man is knocking on 50 and has never been married- it’s a major red flag. And when everyone is warning you and you REFUSE to listen, well then, you kind of get what’s coming.
Dorinda tells Lu that Tom seemed to get WORSE once they got married. Lu agrees, and everyone’s warnings haunt Lu. Lu says that she ended the marriage because there was just a lack of respect for Lu. She never knew where he was, she would get pictures of him out on the town kissing other women, etc. Lu felt like she was drowning. Lu says, “I suffered a lot.” Yes, yes, Lu expected Bethenny to charter a plane to bring relief to LuAnn. Dorinda is sad for Lu, but she is not surprised.
Maybe the Johnny Depp Pirate is free?
While Lu is talking, there are sirens in the background. LOL. Oh the irony. Granted, there are always sirens wailing in NYC, but it is CLASSIC TIMING.
Back to Lu’s suffering. Last year “everyone was jealous” of her and she was mad at all of the jealous bitches. Now this year, she will be mad because no one is supporting her enough.
Lu’s first target of annoyance is Sonja. Not only has she not offered her condolences, she has been telling the press that Lu has been dating EVERYONE. Dorinda hasn’t heard from Sonja either. The only one how didn’t reach out to Lu, post-divorce, is… CAROLE.
MisRed is not sure why Lu is surprised by this. They HATE one another. Still, even if MisRed was fake friends with someone and she found out they were getting divorced, she probably would, at least send a text. But whatevs. Carole certainly doesn’t need LuAnn.
Dorinda is like- well you guys aren’t friends and she doesn’t think Carole believed in the relationship. Dorinda is referring to Lu’s relationship with Tom because we cut to Carole saying:
“We all understood the reasons LuAnn got divorced. We never understood the reasons she got married.”
Then we get flashbacks of everyone warning Lu to not get married and warning her about Tom’s philandering ways and their commentary on the divorce.
Then we see Sonja’s interview look. Um. Oh dear.
I can’t take less than $10
She looks like a 70’s Streetwalker. Well, I guess she is in her 70’s and she is the neighborhood bike- everyone has had a ride… so not a bad comparison if MisRed says so herself.
Sonja compared Lu’s marriage to “That camel ride in Morocco. But maybe it was supposed to happen. Maybe she was supposed to experience this and get right back on the next camel.” Sonja is as coherent as always. In the next scene we see Sonja lurking around the camel pen at the zoo looking for a ride.
But net/net Lu is NOT afraid to love and will move forward with an open heart and an open mind. Great. Can’t wait. Dorinda confirms that Lu will be at her Halloween party. Lu says that she OBVIOUSLY must go as a singer- and that maybe she should just go as herself.
Lu should go as a comedian. Because Lu calling herself a “singer” is the funniest f*cking thing MisRed has heard all week.
Let’s join Tinsley in her hotel room… where she is on the phone with room service ordering a “Cheese and Charcuterie Board.” She is unsure the pronunciation of “Charcuterie.” Hahahah. Carole arrives to share the board of cheese and meat. Carole tells us that she and Tinsley have grown much closer and she spent a week in Spain with her and Adam and Scott (Tinsley’s ex).
Tinsley looks like she is being held hostage
Tinsley is surprised to see Carole has dyed her hair blonde. So are we.
MisRed, truth be told, has been a Carole fan, but it seems she is getting a little TOO into this. She was always, sort of, the non-obnoxious “housewife,” or at least the LEAST-obnoxious housewife in terms of like glam and fashion and fighting, etc. But she’s now falling in line with the rest of them. Ugh.
Home Sweet Hotel
Tinsley has REALLY spruced up her hotel room, she’s added some mismatched throw pillows to the couch and lots of framed photos of herself.
No, No, not at all self-absorbed
Tinsley feels she is SUCH a different person now than when she was living at Sonja’s. Yeah, well, your bed-bug bites have probably cleared up and you won’t have to do your laundry in the bidet and probably aren’t in danger of catching Hep C.
Lol, when MisRed went to look up Hep C to see if Tinsely could have, indeed, contracted this by living at Sonja’s, she found this picture of Captain Lee Stud of the Sea, who, apparently, models for Hep C ads in the off-season.
God Damn it! My Liver is f*cked up!
Tinsley says “I am so happy to be in my hotel room, and it’s mine. I’m just more confident.” Tinsley thinks this is “making it” on her own.
Welcome to Delusia, your room is ready.
Lady, can you get me out of here? She doesn’t let me pee outside.
Tinsley tells us that she and Scott broke up after 8 months. You will recall that Carole set them up. Tinsley says that there was a lot of pressure building in the relationship, it was long distance and ultimately, they broke up. Tinsley says “It was like a pressure cooker” but admits she doesn’t’ know what that is because she only orders room service.
Carole offers to fix Tins up with someone else and Tinsley is like “Shut the hell up!!” she does not want that. Carole is like- well I did a good job the first time. And Tinsley says that she wants the next relationship to work out. As if it’s Carole’s fault that the relationship didn’t work out. Bahaha.
Something tells MisRed that Tinsley, in a relationship, is like gum on your shoe.
Carole reveals that Adam is still in her life, but she doesn’t consider him to be her boyfriend. But that they either have coffee or “coffee” every other day. So, either she’s drinking coffee with him or she’s getting boned by him. Carole doesn’t really mind this arrangement.
To MisRed this arrangement seems a little like Adam is buying sex for the price of a Grande Pike Place. Seems like a hell of a deal to me, but what does MisRed know?
BTW, Carole’s interview look is a lace shirt with black bra underneath. Like a gender-fluid teenage boy channeling Lisa Vanderpump.
Tinsley doesn’t want her dating life to be like Carole’s. She needs at least a bottle of Tito’s for a boning. And says “Look, it’s Q4…” Carole doesn’t know what that means. MisRed does know what Q4 means, but not sure how it applies to Tinsley’s love life. Maybe it’s like the job market. Nobody hires in Q4. Maybe it’s the same with the dating world? Stage-5 clingers only get brought on board in Q1?
And the cheese and charcuterie board to uneaten.
Ramona goes to Abracadabra Super St_re – a Costume shop- to get an outfit for Dorinda’s party. She is supposed to meet Sonja there. Ramona isn’t sure what’s going on with Sonja and their friendship. Sonja has been out of touch all summer and Ramona is confused. Ramona says she has reached out to her many times to get together but Sonja either says no or doesn’t respond. Sonja arrives and says “Oh, I know you’ve been trying to get me to the Hamptons.”
Ramona takes a selfie with Dorit
Sonja says that she has been in Europe all summer. In her interview Ramona says that this is not true, Sonja was in the Hamptons all the time but never got in touch with Ramona.
Sonja interviews “After so many years of dealing with tragedy and loss and settlements and divorce, I needed the summer for me.” Tragedy? Did she finally figure out why she hasn’t partied with John-John lately? What “tragedy” has Sonja had in her life unless she’s referring to the EZ Pass to her vagina going on the fritz? No, no, she says started taking an anti-depressant and began eating, and gained weight. So, she went to a “raw food place” in Costa Rica and just got into herself. As opposed to the giving angel she usually is- thinking of herself last. Lol.
Please, she got that statue at Home Goods
She knew she had to get “off the grid.” Um, just go to your townhouse. There is no heat, smells like feces and barely any running water- that’s about as off the grid you can get.
They begin to discuss Lu’s divorce and Sonja is, basically, laughing about it. They say that Tom just isn’t the “commitment” type. And Sonja says Tom is a great party friend and that every once in a while, she would give him a “charity f*ck.” Wasn’t it last year when Sonja was so upset that Lu was marrying her f*ck-buddy of 10 years? Does Sonja actually believe her own bullsh*t? Furthermore, can a charity f*ck be a write-off on your taxes?
It’s Halloween day and we join Carole at the gym. The day Carole turned 54 she decided she needed to get her sh*t together and start exercising. So, she decided to run the NYC Marathon. Most people will start with a sit-up or, you know, running to the corner. Nobody thought she could do it, but she set this goal and is determined to meet it. We see a Rocky-esque workout montage, the musical score provided by Trixie Monocle.
Carole has a very, um, peculiar running form. Kind of like Phoebe from Friends.
Over at Bethenny apartment, Kevin (B’s driver) has just returned from walking Bethenny’s dogs.
And we learn that Cookie, Bethenny’s old dog, passed away.
Not a surprise, as the dog was ancient and Bethenny put every moment of The End of Cookie, including her 45-minute seizure and Bethenny crying and not knowing what to do, on Instagram.
Thirst at its finest
That, in MisRed’s opinion was gross. And anyone who doesn’t recognize that a dog that is 16 years old is probably on its last lap is not living in reality. Not so dismiss Bethenny’s pain, losing a dog is terrible.
Dorinda is at the Dream Hotel getting ready for her Halloween party. Carole arrives dressed as Amelia Earhart.
And not even a slutty Amelia Earhart. She interviews that in New York basically Halloween is a day for women to dress up like sluts to feel good about themselves. Haha. Uh wait a cotton pickin’ minute… what is Caroline Stansbury’s gay doing moonlighting as Dorinda’s gay.
CLEAR LUKE. CLEAR HIM.
While Carole and Dorinda have their make-up done, they talk about the other girls. Dorinda says she hasn’t seen hide nor hair of Sonja, but she saw Lu the previous day and that Lu mentioned that she hadn’t heard from Carole regarding her divorce. Carole is dumfounded as to why Lu would even mention it as Tom was a complete douche bag and everyone was telling her that EXCEPT for Carole, and that Bethenny can call her a whore to her face, but any little thing Carole does or doesn’t do if an act of war. Carole says that Lu really should have called all of the girls and apologize for calling them all “jealous bitches” for two years.
Brian, the dude who is gluing Dorinda’s balls to a body suit arrives. Dorinda tries on her costume and she looks cute.
The body suit is a little loose in the crotch, and she hopes she doesn’t expose herself. Well if that happens she can just say she came to the party dressed as Sonja.
The party gets started, Tinsley didn’t realize it was a costume party and just wore an outfit in her closet. So, she says she is Madonna.
John, Dorinda’s gorilla boyfriend, arrives dressed as a member of the SWAT Team.
SWEAT maybe. SWAT? No.
. Wait, maybe MisRed can make this work:
Not to insult Trolls. Or Armenians. Although they haven’t, traditionally, been getting the best edit on Bravo.
“No ball in house, Koko.”
John goes up to Tinsley and says “Are you supposed to be a virgin?” Ugh. Douchechills.
Sonja arrives with Rocco her semi-steady lay. Sonja is dressed up like Lucille Ball and I suppose Rocco is supposed to be Ricky.
MisRed simply must get the number for Rocco’s tailor
For the love of god, if there is one more Lucy reference on this show MisRed is going to have a have a conniption. Of course, Sonja still has tissue paper stuck in her wig and you just KNOW her costume is from Walmart.
Sonja says “Outwardly, I would say I’m only dating Rocco.” So inwardly, WHAT? The Nigerian Football Team? Apparently, Frenchie came to his senses, and ran for zee hills.
Sonja sees the women on the couch and says that she doesn’t think there is anything she really needs to address with them, except maybe Tinsley- to say that she hasn’t heard from Tinsley. Here we go. She says that she can’t to that NOW because she has to entertain Rocco because he has to leave and go to work.
She tells Rocco “You look just like Ricky.” Can MisRed please have whatever Sonja is having because she is obviously hallucinating?
Then Ramona enters.
Hang on, MisRed needs a shot.
Then Ramona enters dressed as Britney Spears in the red latex cat suit. As much as it kills me to say ANYTHING nice about Ramona, she does look pretty amazing for 61 years old. Then the girls tell her to do some Britney moves and she is full on Elaine from Seinfeld.
There is a man in a skeleton mask, and Rocco asks Sonja who it is and she says, “Who knows, it could be one of Ramona’s dates that she gets online.”
Wow. Sonja is really bitter this season.
Sonja’s Dog has a better dye job than Rocco.
Rocco has got some crazy comb-over situation going. Maybe he could set some wig tips from Ken in Bev Hills.
The girls suddenly realize that Sonja is there. Nobody has spoken to Sonja all summer and they think it’s odd that she has not come over to say hello.
Can you believe it girls, I’m Al Jolson for the 21st century?
Christ on a bike, LuAnn enters dressed as Diana Ross. Talk about Class-less with the Countess. WHITE PEOPLE, LISTEN TO MISRED, PLEASE STICK TO DRESSING AS WHITE PEOPLE. It’s hugely insulting to the African American population and culture, and it makes you look like an asshole.
What the actual f*ck…
Dorinda asks, “Are you Donna Summers?” Bahahahaah
Carole interviews that LuAnn is tone-deaf when it comes to cultural stereotypes… and in most other ways as well. Yes, Carole, we know, we’ve heard LuAnn “sing.”
LuAnn doesn’t know who Sonja is supposed to be. Odd. Particularly, as Rocco looks exactly like Ricky Ricardo.
Dorinda tells the ladies that they are NOT inviting Sonja over and thinks it is incredibly rude that Sonja hasn’t come to greet her, as she IS the host of the party. Yes, you’d think “a legacy” would have better manners.
Dorinda is about 73 drinks in from MisRed’s estimation. And now she’s PISSED. She’s slurring and cursing and it’s EVERYTHING. “IfSonjadoesn’twanttocomesayhelllooooshecanstayinthatfuckingcornerrssssss.”
In Ramona’s talking head, she says “Dorinda is a spit-fire or a spit-cracker, whatever it’s called. She just gets really headed up, goes and blasts off.”
Ramona, for some reason is not thinking this is a big deal. Oh, well, sh*t what is MisRed thinking? Ramona doesn’t have any manners either. Dorinda says “Oh well, Lady Morgan knows her manners!! When you walk into a dinner party, do you greet the host?” She says this in turn to everyone sitting on the couch, and Sonja sits down next to Tinsley.
Sonja informs us that she needs “to pee.” Lady Morgan keeping it classy.
Dorinda is like- oh finally you come over and say hello? Sonja explains that she was clinging to Rocco because he had to leave early. In Dorinda’s slurring head, she mocks Sonja wondering if Rocco was AFRAID to come say hello? And that Sonja should have been polite.
Well, yes. However, if Dorinda is truly “the host” of this party, she should be standing by the entrance greeting her guests.
Ramona is like- She came over. Dorinda is still pissed but Ramona does her best to diffuse the situation.
No Sonja, Diana Ross isn’t hitting on you.
Lu goes over to talk to Sonja and says – grabbing her face- “You look good…but you have to stop talking about me to the press!” Yes, yes, Lu likes to give her own quotes. “I WILL KILL YOU ALL!!!” oh wait, MisRed is getting ahead of herself.
Sonja is like- it wasn’t the press, I just talked to people. Lu is mad because she wasn’t even divorced yet and Sonja was spreading rumors that Lu was dating already. Sonja just says- Oh, I didn’t know, I thought you were divorced already. Lu, rightfully, is like- don’t talk about me as if you know what’s going on in my life when you haven’t even made a phone call to me to see how I’m doing. But she kind of laughs it off.
Then Bethenny comes in dressed as “Barbie.” Her costume, she explains, has gone awry. Bethenny sees LuAnn and is stunned, like the rest of us.
Slutty Elle Woods wearing Pink Dog?
Bethenny says “LuAnn has the balls of Burglar. She gives ZERO f*cks. Wait… I take that back.”
And regarding Ramona, Bethenny thinks that as long as Ramona can show of her juggs and her camel toe, she’s happy.
Bethenny greets John and John says, “I’m here to Protect and Preserve.” Lol
Dorinda is now off the rails slurring to Carole “afterthemarathonyoucometomyapartmenti’llroastachickensandgettwoorfourbottlesofgreatwineandwe’llsitthereandclosethedoorandwe’lltellourdeepestdarkestsecretsssssssandthengotosleepinmybedandwatchghosthuntersssssss.”
Ramona asks how Dorinda made her costume and, well, a picture is worth a thousand words, so:
LuAnn wants to go to a karaoke bar. Haven’t the citizens of this country been through enough? Lu starts to talk about Tom to the girls and how she defended him to two years because she loved him. Bethenny interviews that she has been so caught up with her charity she forgot about Tom and she says “Oh right, I forgot you married that disgusting pig that I told you was a disgusting pig.”
Lu doesn’t want to get into it because she has “suffered so much.” Carole is like – I know, I know. And then Lu is like- “You don’t know because you never even texted me!” Carole defends herself by saying that she didn’t text or call, but she also didn’t run to LuAnn when everyone else did about Tom’s philandering. She decided to mind her own business. Lu tells her that she would expect Carole to have a heart and soul and to reach out to her. Carole is like, “Well you never reached out to me when Adam and I broke up.”
Is this really a comparable situation? Maybe. Both were relationships that were probably doomed to fail albeit for different reasons. Adam had to go off to summer camp and Tom couldn’t stop putting his penis into other women.
Bethenny tells the gals about her new investment property in the Hamptons, she says it’s on Montauk Highway, “technically south of the Highway.” Ramona asks if it’s on Ocean Road? Bethenny, in typical Bethenny fashion is like- No, I just said it’s on Montauk Highway.
Ramona is like “Okaaaayyyyy. I’m sooooorrrrrrrrry, Okaaaaaaayyyy.” She then explains in her interview that in the Hamptons, being south of the highway is preferred.
Bethenny asks if this is good enough for Ramona and Ramona says that she would never buy on Montauk Highway due to the noise. They bicker. Ramona explains that Ramona is like Bethenny in that they are both entrepreneurial, and Bethenny argues that they are not alike. They continue to bicker and Bethenny is like- Ok I’ll call you when I next need investment advice. Bethenny argues that Ramona is inherently unkind. Ramona explains that she knows real estate in the Hamptons. Then they get into a pissing match of who has more properties and Bethenny says she currently has 5 properties to Ramona’s two. Ramona doesn’t understand why Bethenny is getting so heated.
Well because Bethenny is made up, solely, of last nerves, and Ramona is on every one of them. Ramona knows exactly how to push Bethenny’s buttons too.
Bethenny says “Listen, when you start being successful at something, call me back.” Well, I mean, she successful got Bethenny completely unhinged in the span of 5 minutes, usually it takes most people 8 minutes.
In fairness, Rob Madison Marie Parkes Valetta can do it in under 7 minutes, according to Scheana.
Ramona says that she empowers woman and she is proud of Bethenny. Bethenny is like, no you don’t. Ramona is like, why are you crucifying me for no reason?? Channel Vicki Gunvalson much? Bethenny claims to have every reason to crucify Ramona and that nobody believes the bullsh*t that Ramona spews.
Ramona claims to not spew bullsh*t because Geraldine Parson Smith told her, when she was a little girl, that she wasn’t good enough to hang around with Bulls. She had to hang around with regular cows because Ramona was a regular cow and now. Ramona can’t even eat Meat anymore, Okaaaaaayyyyyyyy?
Just going to duck behind this plant and blow a dude.
Coming up this season:
Dorinda almost kills a Con Ed worker.
Carole runs the marathon and Adam meets someone else.
The women appear to travel to Puerto Rico.
Carole tells Bethenny that every time they are together Bethenny is aggressive with her. Bethenny aggressively tells her she isn’t aggressive.
Bethenny goes to Bobby Zarin’s funeral.
Lu gets arrested, goes to jail and rehab.
Nobody is listening to anyone.
Sonja compares her marriage to Dorinda’s marriage. Hey, at least Dorinda’s husband sends balloons and change. Mr. Morgan has gone into the Witness Protection Program.
Tinsley tells Sonja to close her mouth and close her legs.
Bethenny calls LuAnn a loser.
Dorinda smashes her face in a cake.
Eeeeesh, MisRed is exhausted. This is a long-ass recap, my apologies, there was a lot to cover. What do you guys this of this episode? Will Bethenny’s head explode this season? Will Dorinda ever sober up? Will LuAnn recover from her suffering? We will find out. MisRed would love to hear your thoughts and she always loves your comments. xoxox
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