TrashTalkCeleb: Courtney Stodden, Kendra Wilkinson, Keri Russell, Kate Hudson, Harry Styles, Cardi B
Instagram – Rill Itchy Memorial Courtney Stodden Update: April 6, 2018
The Dame Courtney Stodden recently supped at a fine parlor known as the Salt Creek Grille, where she took a quiet but conspicuous seat at a banquette in close proximity to the wet bar. She reclined under the luxuriant shade of a well-deposited Areca palm tree. Patrons took measure to note that the Dame Stodden had arrived to the establishment unattended, and soon came upon the horrifying realization that the poor spinster was there to dine unsupervised. No wonder, it seems, why she chose a perch so close to the watering hole – perchance to find a benefactor (with benefits)!
When Dame Stodden was handed le menu des viennoiseries, she convulsed with a violently arresting wail, fainting where she sat. A sea of garcons rushed to her side, fanning her face, pouring her wine, grabbing her shoulders and rattling her body as if it were a dead thing the cat found. The door to the kitchen bolted open and the chef ran out of the place screaming, destined for a cliff and ruined forever by the horrible spectacle. And then, after five long, anxious minutes, Dame Stodden’s lashes fluttered back to life. The whole restaurant fell into an electric hush as she righted herself, straightened her coats, and pointed back at the menu. The maitre d’ saw her gesture to the calligraphy scrawled in Papyrus font in the corner of the page, reading “est. 1996.”
Finally, Dame Stodden let out a strange and terrible laugh, throwing her head back and shaking out her mane of golden locks. “Uhhhhhh myyyyy-yeeee GAAAAAHHHHD,” she hollered, to the blanched faces of the restaurant’s moneyed diners, “I’M LYYYYYYYYYYYKE, OLDER THAN THE RESTAURANT!” She then tumbled into a fit of hysterics, stifling her uncouth delirium with one gloved hand, the other motioning for more absinthe. What puzzling a creature indeed.
Us – Kendra Announces Divorce, Swears She’s Cool With It
Cancel every single We’ll Save Ur Fake Relayshunship-adjacent reality show, because its purpose has crashed and burned: Marriage Boot Camp Maskots Kendra Wilkinson and Hank Baskett will officially be divorced by the end of the day. Better yet, break up with your partner and find yourself a one-bedroom apartment with a cat, because love is now deceased. If a Playboy Playmate and a tenuously employed wide receiver can’t make it on the kind of romance (and shotgun wedding)(and unplanned pregnancy) that the E! network designed, then who can?
Anyway, Kendra promises she is happy about this split, which is why she posted this this totally casual “over it!” message on Instagram:
People – Surprise! It’s an $88 Pair of Yoga Pants
Lithe little kangaroo Kate Hudson is expecting her third child, and first with boyfriend Danny Fujikawa. She made the announcement from a sleek and empty glass house on the top of a mountain, where she was stretching her calves and gazing purposefully at a thoughtful bonsai tree. “Mmm,” she hummed, sipping a mug of oolong tea and poor people tears, “my amazing Luciana Seamless Tank sized XXS-3XL but sold out in S, M, L is the best. It’s perfect for standing in the middle of nowhere shilling your sham fitness line to a vulnerable population of women on YouTube and also helping you gestate a human being!” The tiny little life inside her sat suspended in her womb, somehow in midair, in a peaceful sukhasana, smiling tranquilly as she eagerly set up a Fabletics account on her tiny little neonatal Mac Book. Blessings to mother and child. (which, in all seriousness, is a girl)
The Muse – Here’s Another Reboot Rumor for… [Checks Clipboard to See Whose Turn It Is] … Oh Yeah You Felicity Fans
Keri Russell was on Andy Cohen’s talk show titled Tease Us Sexually About a Secret You Have last night to tease us sexually about a secret she has: she’s doing a Felicity reboot. Reboots! We all love them! We all have time for them! Ideas never get old and die, just like our beloved dogs! Actors always want to do the same thing, day in and day out until Mother Nature looks at them one day, when they’re old and weary and begging their bodies to just give up already, and says “not you, Keri Russell! You can’t die today! You play Felicity Porter! Felicity doesn’t die! Felicity just gets a new haircut and sends out an FYI. Felicity lives forever.”
Anyway so yeah it sounds like this Felicity thing is definitely happening because the whole Felicity cast is going to the ATX TV 2018 Festival, which I guess is like where all the dead shows go to rise from the dead and become true Show Jesuses, to sit in Show Heaven as the immortal sons and daughters of TeeVee God. Proof point: Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life was announced at ATX. And since Felicity is BASICKLY Gilmore Girls without the obnoxious rapid fire cultural references, you can expect it to follow suit. Because I never watched Felicity (soft-spoken white college kids and earth-toned lofts are boring for a 12-year-old who just discovered the internet’s vast cache of erotic fan fiction), I couldn’t care less. Enjoy your Netflix binge, Felicity fans.
ONTD – 📢 BONER WATCH: 📢 HARRY STYLES ADDITION
Do you think Harry Styles has a boner here? I can’t tell. All I can decipher is that Harry Styles fans go through some real mental gymnastics for the sake of the elusive myth of Harry Styles’ penis.
I mean, staring at a bunch of static pixels hoping to make out a phallus is fun, but have you ever tried having actual sex? If not, please pursue some literature and then get out of your basement.
TMZ – My Mom Cardi B is Having Another Kid and That Makes Me Mad Because I Thought I Was Her Baby
Regular Degular Shmegular Girl from Da Bronx Cardi B is probably going to pop out a regular degular shmegular baby from da uterus soon, as most recent photographs of her betray a vainly hidden pregnant belly. Cardi showed up to the premiere of her new album, Invasion of Privacy, with an open jacket that wasn’t even trying to cover her tummy. I mean, I don’t know. This is pretty much what I look like at any time of the day, mostly because at any time of the day I am rolling myself out of a Quiznos. Regardless of Cardi’s reproductive status, I for one am thrilled for this icon, and I want chyall to leave Cardi alone! Instead, stay home and watch her slay this Saturday night on SNL. She’ll be playing musical guest to Chadwick Boseman’s host, and this is actually the most excited I’ve been about SNL all year. Mostly because I’ve got a lot of money running on the likelihood of Cardi ending her performance all Beyonce-Baby-Announcement like this:
except ya know, in a Trap Queen-kinda way.
Hope you spend time doing things you like this weekend, Trashies. 🤪🤪🤪
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