Ladies and gentleman – it’s about that time and it’s still about that Tom. The Real Housewives of New York are back and as glamorous as ever! Except Ramona. She’s on some new rapid aging skin regimen. Bethenny too. And Carole had a little thing going on. Okay they’re back and as self-aware as ever which tells you everything about the fate of this season. They took last year’s theme song, which sounded like it was produced in an aluminum trash can on an iPhone 2, and replaced it with one that sounds like it was produced on a Samsung Galaxy Note post explosion – but still in a trash can.
This season is going to be all about their relationships because we get to see them doing what they love the most. Ramona is in a Tru Renewal face mask.
Leave off the last “e” for embarrassingly horny.
Ramona knows that a contractor is coming over but instead of letting her assistant Mariam answer it, she does. She introduces herself as Ramona with the white face which is the NY version of Becky with the good hair. She totally answered the door just to seduce poor Mario in her negligee. You just know she calls it negligee.
Carole and Adam are still together and accruing a fleet of animals. I feel like Adam brings home a stray every time he tries to break up with her. He’s counting on her hoarding so many of them that eventually she’ll assume he’s that one cat who only eats locally sourced, vegan mice.
Luann is texting Tom at the park.
Tom is her dealer’s code name.
I’ve been in enough NY parks to know what really happens there. Sonja is putting dishes in her dishwasher but has to scrub them first. Lawd, has this woman never seen a Cascade commercial? It leaves dishes virtually spotless! Hold up. Okay. Something is seriously wrong with the items in Sonjas’s dishwasher.
Not one of these items is a toaster oven accessory!
Ugh, and her mugs are all mismatched! What kind of average American nonsense is this? I want my one percenters as color coordinated as their blue blood! Also, something else is off here. I mean, one dish looks like a banana. Maybe it’s one of those “As Seen On TV” products that keeps bananas from browning? But you could just leave the banana in it’s peel if you didn’t want it to turn. Hmmm, I see. Yup. This freak is really putting her dildos in the dishwasher on national TV. It’ll take more than those extra large napkins to entice anyone to ever go there for dinner again.
Dorinda, as always, explores her longstanding pastime of disparaging people of color. This season she has her sights set on the man who’s working in a food cart. She buys two waters for four dollars and condescendingly asks what’s the profit on it. First of all, he’d be dumb to let a rich TV lady get away with paying just two bucks. Second, he let them show his face on camera. He could never return home if he didn’t have proof of sticking t to the man. Third, maybe someone should ask her dear John what’s the markup on what he does versus Dryel.
Bethenny is at the Skinny Girl office. What do they do there anyway? It’s seems like every three months they spin a See ‘n Say with pasted on fruit pictures to decide what to stick in the next margarita bottle. Bethenny is ready to sell her Tribeca apartment and is using Fredrik from Million Dollar Listing:NY to list it. As usual, she can’t give a proper greeting and immediately says that he’s wearing velvet again like the last time she saw him. He’s totally baffled until he realizes she’s confused his velvet for corduroy. Then they take turns aggressively saying cordu-ROY. Is this how rich people talk? Cuz I can name fabrics all damn day if it means I can buy and sell multi-million dollar homes just because they feel…not so fresh.
Bethenny has had the apartment staged so they can sell it because the place was a wreck when Jason left. It’s a totally renovated 4BR/4 bath in Tribeca that was lived in by one and a half humans. In other words, it’s practically a crackhouse. They argue over price and although Fredrik’s the expert, Bethenny says the price should be $6.995 M because of the parking spot and school district. He ultimately agrees because he doesn’t want to be called dragged to the Berkshires and called a ‘slut who sleeps with everybody’ on TV.
It turns out that Dorinda was buying the water for her walk with Luann.
Dorinda: The water is two bucks.
Luann: Good thing you invited me on this walk or I would’ve had to pay (haughty laugh, haughty laugh)!
Luann has invited 250 people to watch her take meaningless vows and it’s so wonderful that she and Tom are so compatible. It’s true. How often do you get to marry someone who’s equally as interested in dating other people? Out of the cast, Luann only invited Dorinda to the wedding because she wants positive energy that day. The other women are too much drama.
I’m just gonna leave this here.
Dorinda asks about she who shall not be named – Sonja. Luann isn’t thrilled with her because she told Luann that she’d be there when the marriage fell apart. It’s not the best toast but we’ll hear worse later this episode. The group is fractured. Sonja said to the media that Dorinda is a horrible person for setting Luann up with a philanderer. Or setting Tom up with one. It was one of them. I can’t even tell on account of all that ‘compatibility’. Sonja is still mad over not being invited to the Berkshires last season. She could have been humiliated by Bethenny but had to settle for humiliation via vaginal light sabers. Neither of them plans to support Sonja in her NYC sex show that’s coming up because it’s a pitiful attempt at staying relevant. That’s literally the casting call for every housewives show. Pot, meet cannabis.
At rehearsal for the play Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man, Sonja is showing off her fancy spinning arms.
“I can do the nae nae! That’s a sex thing, right?”
“What the hell are you doing?”
“I’m pretty sure it’s dabbing. With a sexy ‘G’.”
New York’s little harlot that could spent the summer in the South of France. She came home to an invitation to perform in a play but unlike her back to bedsheets, the lines aren’t sticking. She’s just going to wing it and be funny.
“Speaking of wings, I wore this blouse on my first date with Colonel Sanders.”
Back at the park, Luann takes aim at Ramona who’s been calling Tom’s ex in the middle of the night for information on him. Only Ramona would wait until the middle of the night to call like she’s on some undercover operation. I would bet money she made that phone call in a fedora and trench coat because her mother always told her a woman should have her own spy kit. Luann called Ramona ten days ago – thats a really precise number- to ask if she has information that Luann needs to know. Ramona isn’t as dumb as she looks, sounds, tastes, feels and smells (like citrus). She’s not opening her mouth until the cameras start rolling for the season. Luann tries to mitigate the damage by saying that she’s still friends with Jacques’ penis so Tom can be friends with his exes too. Dorinda says she’s very Italian. When a relationship is over, it’s over.
Dorinda: You can’t put the sausage back in the casing, bada bing bada boom.
Ramona’s finally put on some clothes after her unsuccessful bid to have Mario renovate her Koopa Troopa. She’s redoing her apartment and agreeing wholeheartedly with everything he says. I don’t even think she wants to redo apartment. I think she’s going to keep hiring men for tasks until one asks her out. She asks if he knows any older guys with older kids. He says that he does. She’s going to be in for a surprise when they all show up for the first date with USCIS applications.
As Super Mario 2 prepares to depart, she gives him a full frontal, press on hug and a head butt. This is some Avatar type mating. There’s no way she’s fully human. She also openly checks out his ass as he leaves.
This video will forever be shown in sexual harassment seminars for the self-employed.
Bethenny visits her barely salvaged Tribeca apartment. Remember when she recorded herself sobbing in her apartment last season and we thought it was an emotional breakdown and relief of the marriage finally being over so she could move forward? Yeah, turns out it was all about scuff marks. Literally. She calls the place a flop house because there were scuff marks and torn furniture.
For only 6.995 million dollars, you can adopt a psychotic bitch in need.
It’s a wonder they didn’t just condemn the place! Also, Bethenny is going to spin this into a Magic Eraser endorsement. Mark my words – and then remove the mark with a Skinny Girl Mango Magic Eraser.
Bethenny: I came up with the mango part.
Fredrik is still hesitant on the price which he has based on the comps in the building. She counters that they’ve looked at the apartments in the building and they look like shit. That Bethenny…making friends even on her way out. She insists that Fredrik put it on the market for $6.995 million and he says that it’s record breaking. She says she’s broken records before. And marriages. She knows her stuff.
You know who wouldn’t cry about torn furniture? Carole. She has holey furniture and I can’t tell if it’s from the cats, Adam’s unsuccessful escape attempts or if they paid top dollar for on trend couch slashing.
Carole: We lay new swatches every season. It really brings out the filling.
Adam is no dummy. He makes sure to leave as soon as Dorinda arrives. Also, Adam talks like a Kardashian now? It’s either that or he’s morphing into a cat. He’s on the floor, slinking around and singing his sentences. Maybe Carole put him in the sunken place.
Carole has steps that I have nightmares about. Seriously. Some of my worst nightmares are of me climbing steps that are too far apart or really steep or missing handrails. My worst dreams are step based! Those dreams also include step classes, stepfathers and Step by Step. Remember when they added that baby Lilly? How dreadful! Anyway, Carole says that she and Adam are shacking up for now with no hope or plan for the future. Dorinda says that she’s in denial about how deep she is. They revisit their Elmer’s glue-like widow bond. It holds them together but when rubbed the wrong way, you’ve got glitter all over your puff paint sweatshirt. Carole took offense at being called a mean girl last year and Dorinda walks it back because she needs an ally besides Luann. She says Carole doesn’t have a mean bone in her body and we all know that. We’ve seen them all.
Dorinda says that Luann is having a bachelorette party in Miami but she isn’t going there to see some male stripper. She’s going through that phase where she justifies everything she doesn’t want to do by saying she’s “fifty one”. Carole says that no one wants to see a male stripper. Tell me about it. If I wanted to see a man grease himself up and parade around in high heels, I’d pay a visit to whatever hell hole Jax is living in these days.
Bethenny arives at Sonja’s house to go through clothes for Dress for Success. She asks her driver Kevin if she has soup on her face because he’s half chauffeur, half Home Health Aide. Bethenny rings the bell and waits outside in the rain while pretending to talk on the phone. Or maybe she’s leaving Sonja an angry voicemail. Sonja’s been known to leave people outside in the rain before. Conner, the latest intern, lets her in because Sonja’s buzzer always ends up with people walking in on her in the bathroom. At least that’s what she claims. It probably just doesn’t work. Once inside, Bethenny understands why Sonja wouldn’t want to sell such a homey place. Her daughter wants her to sell it but Sonja’s afraid of the $3 million price tag and potentially bad view a new place would bring.
“I can see right into the YMCA from here.”
Sonja hasn’t talked to Luann because she’s so Tom absorbed. Bethenny tells her to get over it and thank Luann for taking out the trash. She also says that Tom’s penis is controlling the guest list which wouldn’t be a bad Stephen King book. Bethenny offered to do the bar at the wedding at a discounted rate but there was no response. Luann has standards. It’s free or nothing!
Speaking of, Luann is on the phone with her wedding planner in her fabulous penthouse. There’s actually a jar labeled Tommy’s cookies. They probably use that for the key parties. I tuned out all of the wedding talk but I did manage to hear “mariachis” and “crooner”.
Luann: We only have 6 mariachis? Darling, you can never be too thin or have too many mariachis!
I didn’t realize that mariachi could be pluralized or that people marketed themselves as crooners. I thought it was an earned title like “looker” or “joker” or “president”. I guess anyone can just claim a title these days. The planner sounds as interested in this as I am.
Back at Sonja’s, they’re going through clothing and Bethenny is shocked. Sonja’s clothes look like she bought them at a Beverly Hills 90210 storage unit auction. The shoes look like Courtney Love wore them for a concert tour that only played in Exxon bathrooms. The only thing she easily gives away is a denim pantsuit that Bethenny says looks like it’s for a pit crew. I’m sure the woman who gets that will feel great about herself now. Hopefully the donatee pulls a Marge Simpson and sews that bad boy it into 8 different outfits. Sonja also pulls out satin shorts. Does Sonja understand the organization? There’s only one job-related success a woman will find in those and there isn’t really a dress code in that line of work. Plus, it looks like there’s a splooge stain on them already. Sonja pulls out one of the tops and says that she wore it when dating Prince Albert. I’m seeing a tag. You see it too, right? I swear, the imaginary male DNA of half of the international Eastern Seaboard is on these clothes.
Sonja: I had Prince Albert in my can if you know what I mean!
It’s official, Bethenny has a vampire dog. Cookie’s over 16 now! She’s lived through two Jasons and a Baby. Unfortunately Brynn is into shiny and new and has requested a puppy to fulfill her petting pleasures. Sometimes I forget that Bethenny has a kid but I never forget that she has Skinnygirl. Anyway, she gets a call from Fredrik that her place has a cash offer, full asking price.
When you open your camera and it’s in selfie mode.
I’m so glad she got what she wanted! Poor thing had to take six less vacations last year.
Ramona and Dorinda meet for a lunch date but Ramona is at a testosterone-y lunch date around the corner. You could see Dorinda holding back the vomit while having to socialize with the help. Ramona arrives a few, painful minutes later.
“Whaddya think? It’s from the Elton John QVC collection.”
Ramona is enjoying being single and better yet, she enjoyed John Mahdessian’s company at some event. Dorida checks her temperature to make sure Ramona’s okay. I’m sure she’s still set to cold twit. The producers totally fed Ramona that John line just to have a reason to put in a Ray “traaaaash” clip. It’s the little things…
Ramona is prepping for her lunch with Luann tomorrow and thinks it’s weird that she’s been left out of the bridal shower since she was such a peacemaker last year. Dorinda says that she conspired with Bethenny on the Tom situation. Ramaona says that she was helping Luann out and she’s going to pass along more info tomorrow. Ramona is torn over what to do.
Should I crush Luann’s happiness or annihilate it?
Ramona says that she’s happy for them but they see other people. Luann was just hitting on a thirty year old a few days ago and she only stopped when he said he couldn’t get her free dresses. She found this out because his mother told her girlfriend’s mother who told a mother who told Ramona. Then she starts doing the Rinna “baby!!” on Dorinda and stutter talking like she’s singing “Umbrella”. How is this woman still alive? She says Tom and Luann are the same person so it’s okay for them to get married. After hearing all of this, Dorinda says she doesn’t want to hear anything.
“And if you ever leave me alone with your maid again, I will snatch out your soul and feed it to your dog.”
Carole visits Bethenny and her new puppies, Biggy and Smallz. Spelling both names wrong gives her even more street cred, y’all. There’s gates and newspaper everywhere. Is she too cheap for wee wee pads or is it an environmental thing? Carole brings the dog a Trump doll to chew on and says that all she can talk about is the election. It’s who she is as a journalist. No offense, but she was a journalist back when the Madonna/Bitney kiss was a big deal. She should get back to work so she has an outlet for this. She says Hillary will win in a landslide and Bethenny is trying to shut her up before Carole ruins her chances to be the next Apprentice host. Bethenny calls her a shut in cat lady but Carole keeps going. Bethenny tries to climb into her kitchen cabinet to escape which is a bad idea; she got into enough trouble climbing into her kid’s pajamas.
Finally, Luann and Ramona meet for lunch where they make small talk about Barney’s, weight loss, Bethenny dating Dennis and her divorce. Luann is out of touch because she and Tom spent the summer away. She explains that Ramona didn’t get a bridal shower invite because it was based on the wedding list she handed over to her planner. Luann questions Ramona’s snooping on Tom. She calls her a Nancy Drew which is a high compliment considering she’s closer to the Lansbury end of investigations.
They go back and forth until Ramona says that she knows stuff that Luann doesn’t want to know. Luann throws out that she knows Tom saw his ex in California. Tom obviously came clean ahead of time to save Luann face and to save him $100,000 if their sponsored wedding falls through. Ramona says that the ex was quoted in the press as saying that Tom was all over her but Luann says that she’s lying.
“Tom has limited flexibility. It’s simply untrue.”
Ramona says that Luann can accept this but she would want more from the man she’s with. If Luann can turn a blind eye, then it’s fine. Luann says that she’s a strong woman but Ramona doubts it.
“I can see right through you Luann.”
“You better not do the wine glass thing.”
Ramona: I see right through you.
Ramona wants Luann to be honest and say that she and Tom both want to be married but also have side pieces. Ramona also tells her that it’s a small world and people talk. Now for a toast to Luann’s marriage:
Ramona: One day it’s all going to hit you in the face like Tom’s dick on a yacht filled with mail order hookers on choppy water. Mazel!
Ramona tries a slightly better compliment sandwich toast.
Ramona: Congratulations! I hope you don’t fall on your face like so many whores I know. Best wishes!
Luann won’t toast to either so she forces Ramona to put on her runway eyes and repeat “I wish you all the happiness in the world.” Luann says that she can’t do any more Nancy Drew and Ramona says “fine”. We know what that means.
“She didn’t say I couldn’t be Olivia Benson.”
Next week we’ll meet Tinsley, Sonja’s new roomate. Dorinda is pissed off at Sonja. Carole says that she’s more informed than anyone else on the planet about the election and Sonja dredges up the Regency kiss again. What’d you think? Love you for reading and commenting!
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