Hey Trash Bags!
It’s official. Summer has come to an end. I was planning to go cry into a bucket of KFC, but, Stephen does that nightly…so…his greasy mits have that covered. I hate to break it to ya, but this season finale was pretty uneventful. Whateves…let’s dive right into the the tea stained pool and chat about it.
So, Kyle gives us the rundown of what has gone down all season. WAS the summer “monumental?” Or just “mental?” I vote for neither. Blah Blah Blah…we fast forward to 4 hours later (thank God). It’s about 3 AM and everyone returns home from the bars. Guess what guys, Kyle is not with them. DUN DUN DUN!!! Of course the Wircus Circus makes a huge deal about it. Remember, Amanda passed out early and Kyle was worried about going out with the gang, but decided to, as an alcoholic does. It looks like this will be a HUGE thang…but Kyle strolls in at about 3:40 AM. Uh…who cares?
It’s about 11 AM and Stephen comes home. Did anyone miss him? Uhhhh…no. Lindsay’s trainer, Nick, leaves and the gang makes breakfast and gets the gossip about Stephen, meanwhile, talking massive amounts of shit on Kyle. I don’t understand why the twins are so invested in Kyle and Amanda’s relationship. They got in like one fight…get over it. In the great words of the Gin Blossoms, “Hey jealousy….”
Everyone heads back to New York and I think they gave us an Easter Miracle because they skipped right through the week! Thank you Easter Bunny!
500 DAYS OF SUMMER
So, it’s Labor Day,the last weekend of summer, and Carl is planning to invite Olive Oyl…and her teeth. Ashley’s hubby, Brad, is also making the trek, and there is a ton of shit talking in each car as they venture out to the house.
The plan for the night is a bonfire, so the twins get there first and begin to immediately boss Brad around. I see quickly that this is his role in the family unit. They set everything up and the gang begins to stroll in. Lindsay and Amit arrive first. I have to be honest. I forgot Amit was on the show. Lindsay is wearing a leather jacket over her breezy summer dress and, of course, Lauren says, “Uh. It’s September. Leather jackets are out.” Thanks bitch. PS, I don’t claim to be some huge fashionista, but I always thought leather came BACK in when fall hits. You tell me in the comments.
LINDZ IN LEATHS
Danielle and Stephen show up next. He is wearing his typical blanket and begins to shovel food in his face immediately. The rest of the gang comes and Danielle tells us that she thinks Brad is a little “nerdy” and seems old. Well, according to his chyron…he’s 30. Unfortunately, I have no patience, nor any interest in doing a deep dive on this mans age. Clearly…I don’t care.
30 GOING ON 13…NOT IT!!!!!
So, they are all “kinda” having fun. Danielle got a job and they are hanging by the bonfire. Of course, a Wirkus has to ruin it, and Lauren reminds everyone that they made summer goals, and they should say what they were and if they were met. This sounds almost as fun as when the Married To Medicine folks go on vacation and have to have couples therapy….PAAAAASSSSSS! Lauren says that she wouldn’t let her Sunday ruin her Monday. No clue what that meant. Just made me want ice cream, or to karaoke Manic Monday. Amit’s goal was to be zen. Uh, hi. Mission accomplished. You were so zen that we weren’t aware that you existed. Thank you for that.
Stephen’s was to only care about people that care about him. Eye roll. Lindsay’s was to pass the torch to Amanda and Kyle (torch meaning couple that fought). Carl’s was to gain maturity and not just be a “fuck boy.” Kyle’s was to have better balance between his friends, work, and relationship. Well, I thought they were all nice answers, but, of course, Lauren has to chime in and ruin it all. She barks that some people didn’t meet their goals. UGH. Shut up Lauren!
Amanda speaks up, and thinks that her comment was directed at Kyle…well, it was. A war of the words ensues. Obvi the Wirkus twins speak faster and louder than everyone else. Carl actually comes to Amanda and Kyle’s defense, and the twins try to take him down too! He says he’s being bullied. Now, this is a familiar phrase on Bravo. While I don’t think he was being bullied, I’m not sure what the word is for people bashing on you and not letting you speak…hmm…maybe he was bullied?!
Everyone has had enough and they leave. Amanda, Kyle and Carl ride home together. I actually took video and posted it on my insta because Carl made me laugh pretty hard. He asked Kyle, “Does Stephen work out? Does he have a 6 pack? No. He just wants to shit on your face…and that’s called a hot Carl.” They all laugh, and so do I!
They get home and there are a million Amazon boxes on the porch. Does Stephen bother to pick any up? Nope. He grabs a Twisted Tea and bitches that his mom called while the drama was going on. I can’t with him.
It’s the next morning and Kyle takes Amanda to lunch and surprises her with a trip to Greece! It’s sweet, and I want to go, but let’s move on.
It’s Sunday and time for the end of summer luau. I guess all of those boxes had decorations in them, because everyone is setting up the party. Of course, Stephen is laying on a float, not helping at all…as he does.
ARE YOU GOING TO LEI AROUND, OR HELP?!?!
Alright, some Jonas Brothers wannabee band is gonna play at the party and Lindsay and Danielle are all hot and bothered. Uh…ladies…you can do better. Stephen puts a Silence Of The Lambs mask on, while perched on his bitch balcony. Olive comes to see Carl, wielding some Woodford Reserve and a jean jacket, and Travis plans to come later for Stephen’s enjoyment, and our misery.
Alright, everyone has been bitching about Kyle and Amanda. Well, guess what?! They are having an awesome time. They are hitting a pineapple pinata and having a blast. Suck it, lonely losers! Kyle’s friend, Pace, is there and Lauren and Danielle have massive crushes. Eh, he’s decent. He ends up getting Danielle’s number. Smart move buddy!
So the Jo Bro b team play and everyone loves it and jumps in the pool. Lindsay is having such a good time that she says that it’s like the people in Hawaii say! “Hakuna Matata!” I refuse to comment on this.
Everyone leaves and the gang skinny dips. Wow. Fun.
They get up to leave the next morning. The Wirkus twins are headed to Greece for their sister’s wedding. Everyone else is pretty much just headed back to the city. Carl and Stephen have a little heart-to-heart. Eh, I’d dive deep, but not much happened. There is a reunion, so I’m ecstatic because then there is probably a season 3!! Hope you all loved it as much as me! I’ll do the reunion recap ASAP.
PS If you like Bridezilla’s I’m hopping on that bandwagon…it’s mid-season, but I plan to start this week!
Thank you for reading!
Want more TrashTalk? Follow us on Twitter for updates of recaps as they publish, like us on Facebook for a daily update, watch our TV parody vids on YouTube, or for funny TV pics, heart us on Instagram, and get the occasional gif on Tumblr!