We survived part one last week. Let’s trudge through part two.
Chicago is at war, y’all! Divergents Vs. Kate Winslet, who looking back on it they probably should have killed when they had the chance at the end of the last movie. She has a steampunk box that can destroy the Divergents but can only be opened BY A DIVERGENT! I mean, what are the fucking odds??? She’s going to find them, and then destroy them. **dun dun dun**
Our aggressively bland heroine Tris is hiding out with her non-threatening hunk, Four at the Hufflepuff commune. Some goons from Ravenclaw bust in with handheld instant faction testers and start searching for Divergents. Wait… Have they had those the whole time? Then what the fuck was the point of the entire last movie?
So Tris and Four and Tris’ brother whose name I don’t care enough to remember escape by jumping on a train, because this movie has more train-jumping than a hobo lifestyle recruitment video. Once on-board they’re accosted by a group of Factionless. A fight ensues. It’s stupid and poorly choreographed. Four stops it by telling the Factionless that his real name is Tobias. They’ve apparently been looking for him.
Turns out Four’s supposedly dead mom, Naomi Watts, is actually alive and running the Factionless. She faked her death to escape from Four’s abusive father. Four is still pretty sore about the whole being abandoned by his mom and thinking she was dead his whole life thing. Naomi Watts is trying to build an army to take on Kate Winslet in a battle to determine which genuinely respectable actress is slumming the hardest by being in this god-awful movie. She wants Four and his buddies to join her.
Four tells his mom to eat a bag of dicks and he and Tris head out to find the remaining Divergents, who are hiding out in the faction where everyone tells the truth all the time. Feels like a poor place to attempt clandestine operations. Tris’ no name brother doesn’t want to fight people anymore and takes off on his own to find some pacifists to hide out with. Once they arrive at Truth Camp they’re immediately taken into custody, where they’re to be handed over to stand trial. There is an intense and brutal truth serum used in Truth Camp initiations, so Four suggests they use it on them. Really? Again, we’re in a society that possesses a legit unbeatable truth serum and it’s not standard to use it in all trials? No wonder this place is falling the fuck apart.
For all the advances in serum technology this place has made, their syringe tech looks like something out of a 19th century medical textbook. And they always shoot them right in the neck, too. The future fucking sucks. Our heroes manage to clear their names, but Tris fesses up to killing one of her friends in self-defense, and then cries a lot.
Over at Evil Faction Headquarters they’re torturing Divergents to try and open a box, only the fuckers keep dying before they can do it. Then Kate Winslet, who really should be stroking a white cat at this point, is like, “Damn, these Divergents be weak, son. We needs us some super SPECIAL ones like the ones that should have killed me in the last movie. Let’s go find them!”
Tris is up on the roof sulking when suddenly people on the next building start shooting at her. They miss. Hard. Because there is no Faction with the ability to hit a protagonist at 100 yards. Are they shooting real bullets? Don’t they need the Super Duper Totally Special Girl alive to open the box or something? Oh, it’s cool, they’re just knock-out bullets or something, only they don’t work on Divergents because you can’t knock out teenagers that are super special. I think. I wasn’t paying that much attention, to be honest. Anyway, Tris gets captured and scanned and comes up as 100% Divergent, making her the most special of all the specials. Before they can haul her off to open Kate Winslet’s box (hehe hehe) Four rescues her and says, fuck it, let’s join up with my shitty mom and murder these fucks.
Kate Winslet, upon hearing news of Tris being The Special, activates some mind-control that makes people talk like robots, demand Tris’ surrender, then kill themselves. The Factionless are like, Fuck this, let’s turn her over. The Gryffindor are like, fuck you she’s super duper special. Then Tris and Four go off and have awkward teenage first time sex, then Tris sneaks out and goes to turn herself in. So, I guess the sex was really bad.
Tris gets taken in and thrown in the box opening machine, where we get to find out if she’s special enough to survive the sim that has killed all the Divergents that came before. Tris’ brother is totally there and helping Kate Winslet. Oh the betrayal! Tris completes four of the five tests all at once, but then she starts to overheat so her brother advises they pull her out of the sim and let her rest. The only test she has left to complete is the one for Hufflepuff, which I assume is like finishing off your MCATs with a finger-painting exam.
NoNameBro tells Tris he thinks Kate Winslet’s plan is for the best, and the box contains a message from The Founders, meant to be opened ONLY in the event that the faction system broke down, which is why it requires a 100% super special Divergent to open it. The only thing that could make this movie tolerable is if the box winds up having Gwynith Paltrow’s head inside.
Tris fake dies in her first attempt at passing Hufflepuff, then her and Four break into the sim room, but rather than stealing the box Tris decides to open it and see what’s inside anyway. Tris beats the Hufflepuff level by learning to forgive HERSELF, because the future is a lot like an Afterschool Special.
The box opens to reveal the twist ending from The Village. Chicago is an experiment, Divergents are the whole point of the experiment, once the box is open everyone can rejoin the outside world, which is totally not a deserted wasteland. Kate Winslet is not pleased to hear this message and orders the box buried and our heroes killed. Just then the Factionless bust in to save them. Naomi Watts says she’s taking over, and she’ll no doubt be just as shitty of a leader as Kate Winslet, since there’s a whole nother movie left to go.
The box message is then broadcast across the entirety of Chicago for everyone to see. Then Naomi Watts saunters into Kate Winslet’s cell and is like, “Bitch, I’m the only overqualified Australian actress this movie needs!” and shoots her in the back of the head as she stares out wondering what’s beyond the wall.
That’s it for this week. Next Tuesday we’ll be enjoying the non-stop thrill ride that is 7 Fast Furious VII: The Seventh. I’ll try and remember what the movies about, but I imagine my review will mostly go, “Boom! Explosion! Pow Pow POw! Screeeeeeech! Vroom! Michelle Rodriguez is hot! Pew Pew!”
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