Welcome back! This recap is an audiobook podcast available on iTunes, Stitcher, and Google Play. They’re free the week they’re released and then go to the premium feed. Find it at podbean. Thanks for the support!! xoxoxo – Ronnie
This season on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, the new twit started off her Housewives career by trying to ho shame a ho.
I see your vajoina!
I see it, too.
That’s the point. I don’t give a fuuuuuuuuuuuck…
Wait. I give a fuck. So, so many fucks. My vagina! HOW COULD YOU TALK ABOUT MY VAGINA LIKE I’M A MAN STEALER?
Can I see it again?
In other news, you’re gonna be shocked, the question we have on our minds every season: How many drinks in is Kim Twitchards this year?
She’s a smidge to death, BABY! A SMIDGE! She could die at any minute.
Just like my sister…my sister…my sister….
K’ I’ll be ur sisderr! Ken ah borrow twendy dollarz?
Gross never mind.
Lisa Vanderpump mostly just put on lots of crazy clothes and jewels and made shitty comments about everybody and cried about dog tacos so much that Americans everywhere started craving dog tacos. The great underplayed medical issue of the season was Lisa Vanderpump’s eyelid muscles. At some point she’ll basically have her eyes closed at all times whether she likes it or not. We all have our addictions. Lisa Vanderpump’s are fixing broken hos and gluing on super heavy eyelashes.
See Me. Feel Me. Touch Me. Heal Me. Dahling.
Kyle spent ninety percent of her screen time advertising something she’s selling, something her husband’s selling, or Kim’s sobriety ish, which I consider a respectable score at this stage in the game. If she can just hawk shit while the new girls rip each other to shreds, good on her.
Rinna got semi-forgiven for calling Twitch a drunk and Kyle the cocktail server/enabler, and then she goes off and accuses coke eye Dorit of doing coke at her dinner party. Rinna has a knack for accusing people of the most obvious shit ever.
Hey! You’re bringing my mail! YOU’RE A MAIL MAN BABY OWN IT!
So is Dorit a cokehead, or is Lisa Rinna addicted to the Xanax she puts in her smoothies or both or neither? And will Erika’s vagina ever recover from the indignities its suffered?
Mah vagaina leads a dangerous life. Ya don’t know what it’s like havin YouTube commenters say over and over “I wanna murder your vagina”! NONE OF YOU KNOW WHAT I GO HOME TO EVERY NIGHT!
Ah, but we do.
We open with Dorit looking terrified at Lisa Vanderpump’s Say No to Dog Wrap Party. She’s heard the storm of Rinna Yelp reviews approaching, and knows she has to have a fight with this crazy person looking like a melted Hershey’s kiss.
It is easy to root against Dorit here. She’s a shallow, phony buffoon and deserves what’s coming to her. On the other hand, Dorit has comically huge coke eyes, a fat husband who wants to fight with the women, and a bunch of made up maladies for her kids, so overall she’s a win. Not sold yet? She has a team of intern/nannies/variety of obvious illegals wandering around her home pretending to have jobs, Boy George lives in her garage, and she has nineteen terrible accents like stamps on a passport of the places she’s travelled on her credit card miles.
“Bridge! Gravel! HI! HI! Sky! Hills! Tables! Couches! Tiny Donkeys! HOW AAAAARE YOOOOOU?”
Storm Rinna is nigh. Dorit slugs her wine and looks super skerd.
Vanderpump welcomes Rinna to the cagematch. “Lisa Vanderpump! GORGEOUS! Is that a dress? Are those flowers on your head? AMAZING BABY! THIRTY NINE THOUSAND AND ONE STARS HUSTLE MAMA!” She’s manic. Vanderpump double kisses her and Eileen, and has a “Let’s be sad for a moment at this glorious pahty dahling” moment with Eileen. “You fell in love with a dog, eh Eileen?”
Eileen’s all “Yes. I couldn’t bring it back, though, cuz it’s snout was too short and it refused to apologize to me properly.”
Vanderpump moves her face into one feeling deep, deep sorrow. “I have a short snout, as well. I’m lucky to be here.” Eileen laughs, and Vanderpump laughs, so Rinna laughs. Then Eileen laughs harder, so Rinna laughs harder. And harder. “See? You ARE funny, Lisa Vanderpump! Hilarious! Like Harry Hamlin when he took a stand up comedy class. Almost broke a rib! HILARI CLINTON BABY!”
Vanderpump changes. “You’re funny, sometimes. But you’re not funny other times.” Pout pout. “Like at that dinner in Hong Kong…”
Rinna stops her. “You have to be nice to me Lisa Vanderpump.” Pump scrunches her nose and shakes her head. “No I don’t.”
Rinna nods hugely. “Yes you do! I gave you my eyelashes and you promised you would be nice!” HAHAHAH. Pump is caught. She shakes it off. “You’ve misbehaved since then. I want your wig.”
Rinna laughs too hard. “I’m always gonna misbehave a little bit.”
Vanderpump: And I’ll always chastise you for it.
OK, this all seems fair enough. Rinna can fuck up, then Vanderpump can report on it with super snarky copy while wearing ballgowns, then they can have fun at parties together. It’s a deal!
Rinna tells us that it may seem like Lisa Vanderpump has power over her, but it’s all a very intricate ruse. “I give her that. She doesn’t have a whole lot.” I can’t tell whether or not Rinna is being sarcastic, as she’s talking to a severely rich woman with huge popularity numbers, or if she’s in “Rinna Burn” mode. Either way, I’m glad I’m watching all of this from far away.
Rinna moves on to Ken. “KEN! HELLO! HELLO KEN! HI! HI! HI! HI! HI! It’s me! Television’s Lisa Rinna!” Ken, who has a bobby pin stuck in his flesh roomba motor, just spouts and spits and turns and clicks. Someone clean that lint trap and don’t let him roomba outside.
Eileen has a private moment with Vanderpump. Lisa hugs her, cheek to cheek, then pulls away. “That didn’t feel weird.” Eileen scrunch smiles in that “I hate you but I need Twitter to be nice to me” way she has. Vanderpump cackles and walks off as Eileen tells us “My feelings are softening toward Lisa Vanderpump. We had our issues but it doesn’t mean she doesn’t have feelings. And beliefs.” And decent snacks. Just put a period on that and move on, girl. I wanna see Dorit get chewed up.
Eden arrives as a ballerina. She hasn’t done a whole lot the second half of the season, so it’s nice to see her showing up and willing to take the fall for murdering Natalie Portman.
The Crack Swan
Rinna and Eileen descend upon Dorit, who’s standing with a bunch of other girls. “Your hair! Woah! Beautiful! Gorgeous! Wow it’s GOLD! Gold hair! Crazy! Has it always been that way? How do you wash it? Can you wear baseball caps?”
Dorit is confused by this overt friendliness. And scared. As she should be. Rinna tells us that it looks like a giant golden goose took a shit all over Dorit’s head. Camille wanders up to break any tension with her fly-by open mouthed on the cheek “Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimwah” kisses. She’s in green. She could be throwing shade, but it’s more likely that she’s been sitting outside Villa Rosa in hopes that the finale party would be filmed there and didn’t get an invite at all. She’s ready to shoot through St. Patrick’s day. I love a woman who has everything but still feels needy.
Dorit greets Erika and laughs at her hair. “Well, ya ain’t gone mees eet!” Dorit. You look like a burnt Jiffy Pop bag. Now’s the time to be quiet. Erika asks her if she feels good after Hong Kong. Dorit pops her coke eyes out. “Nowah!” Erika’s all um Idon’tgiveafuuuuuuck and walks on.
Kim Twitchards is here! It’s odd how you can tell the difference between rich and poor with such simple things as colors. There’s rich pink and poor pink. Can you spot the difference?
Rich Pink/Poor Pink
She giggles and twitches as she shows the girls pictures of her grandbaby/euthanized dog hybrid, Hucksley. “Ya guyzes! He rolled overz!” Impressive, but like any new puppy on these shows, he’ll never be potty trained.
Eden joins Rinna and Eileen at a table and admits to killing Natalie Portman. They ignore her. Rinna feels betrayed, dammit! When Eden heard from Dorit that Rinna was a Xanax addict, she didn’t yell at her loudly enough. Eden puts on her stone/hamster face and freezes up.
“I didn’t wanna be perceived as the crazy one!”
“WHO GIVES A SHIT?!” Rinna is way too mad about this. She’s the one who joked to the biggest mouth in the cast about her Xanax smoothies. This is all on her. Rinna is convinced that this misunderstanding must all be based on Eden’s sister dying, which is fucking looney toons. I know Eden has been quiet since the Kim/Kyle thing, but she’s fucking nuts and you two are idiots for poking her.
Eileen swoops in with her smokey voiced nonsense advice. “When you’re in a big group and there’s a problem like this, not speaking up makes it worse. You need to keep monologuing about it until you get seventeen apologies from Dorit about a comment that had nothing to do with you in the first place.”
Eden’s gonna have a breakdown and flashback to childhood, which is probably the last time she wore this tutu only to be yelled at by a mean old lady.
Don’t hug me.
Rinna yells “What other people think of you is none. Of your. BUSINESS! Speak your TRUTH, BABY!” The fact that she’s saying this in response to someone talking badly about her is hilarious, and totally lost on Rinna.
Eden, who thought she was on a happy, centered path tonight, is flummoxed. “Rina has an evil, awkward energy. Something’s off.” You know she’s gonna blow when she says “I’m not happy, and I’m not comfortable.” Not comfortable? SHIT I SENSE WAR.
Lisa dings a glass and gives a toast. Here’s to Pandy and her gay husband for using my name to make money on piss wine. YAY! CONGRATS!
Dorit, who’s really tried to learn the Housewives Passive Agressive You Fight With That Bitch So I Don’t Have To game in her first season, finds Kim Twitchards. Twitch is all “Have ya ever zeen a dog behbeh roll over? IT’S ON MY FONE!” Dorit pouts, and Twitch falls for it. “What iz it, tin foil head ladee? WHAT IZ ITZ?”
Dorit makes her move. “Some of tha lehdeez wah so mean to mah Kim Twitchahds! SO MEANAH!” Twitch is like “OH NOES! Want me ta pad yer head? Will id hurd?”
Dorit continues. “Lisa Rinna. So mean! She asked if Ah trustadah mah huzbandah!” Twitch is fuming, because as we know, Rinna tried to strangle her and threw a glass at her when she asked about Rinna’s husband. Dorit says that Rinna must be “Protracting” things from her own life onto Dorit. Kim, who never went to school, is terrified at the thought of having to use a protractor.
Still pouting, Dorit continues that she doesn’t understand Rinna. She’s so nice then so mean. “Whah, she’s unboalanceded, Kim Twitchards! UNBLALANCEDADED!” Twitch is fuming now. “Liza Rinnas is a mean girl! MEAN!” She twitches in defiance.
Over at the table, Erika, Rinna and Eileen are talking about babies. Erika asks if Twitch’s grandkid came out looking ok. “Those babies could come out lookin’ rough. One time I saw one with a cone on its head.” Erika now has a pattern of feeling nothing for helpless little things with cones.
It’s disturbing. Rinna laughs that her model brat had a cone on her head as a baby cuz Rinna’s vagina was so tiny. Eileen is grossed out, but I’m just glad Dorit wasn’t around to hear this cuz she’d go into a full on Meryl Streep monologue about the struggles of living with a mushy headed baby.
Vanderpump brings a waiter over with food and makes him put it down right in front of Rinna. The ladies all ooh and ahh and take a couple of bites. Rinna doesn’t. It’s called commitment, people.
Erika takes a ride on the Vanderpump love swing, and Vanderpump jokes about her not wearing underwear again. Lord. This woman can’t let it go. Erika’s all “Are we five?” Well, yes. Humans hit fifty and then start mentally aging backwards. You come into the world helpless and wrinkly and pissing yourself and you leave it the same way. Erika of all people should know that. She’s basically married to a really old embryo about now.
Twitch meets up with Vanderpump and Kyle. “That popcorn ladee tuld me thad Liza Rinnas accuzed her husband of drinkin’ a Kingsleh! Ah’ll kill her!” Rinna is in a group by theirs and just then starts yelling “HI! HI! HI KIIIIIIM! HI! HOW AAAAAAARE YOOOOU!” Twitch, confused now, smiles and says hi back. Vanderpump gets to stirring. “You should tell her you’re talking about her right now.” Kim robotically complies. “Ah’m talgin about ya Liza Rinnas!”
Rinna’s all “Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?” Erika dares her to go confront Twitch, but Rinna refuses. That’s like walking up to a pit bull chained to a tree in the ghetto. It’s sad that they’re chained there, but it’s usually for good reason.
Rinna runs right over to Coach Eileen to report that Twitch is yelling across the yard at her. Eileen wants a confrontation. She always does when she’s not involved. She pulls Rinna aside and calls Kyle over to tattle tale on Twitch. Rinna protests, but it’s her own damn fault.
Kyle says that Twitch is mad about the stuff Dorit told her. Something about Harry Hamlin sleeping with a dog baby and hurting Emilio Estevez’ feelings. Meanwhile, PK is across the yard with his finger in Mauricio’s face, spitting too close about how the ladies yelled at Dorit in Hong Kong “FUCK YOU IN THE FACE!” Mauri just watches, completely taken over by the coke PK has just shared with his nasal ass.
Dorit is whining to Vanderpump about the uttah abusesah! Vanderpump tells her to fight and embrace the finale like a big girl and promises to stand up for her. “If Rinna keeps her lips closed and Erika keeps her legs closed, maybe we can all get on.” HAHAHAH. Mark down another thing for her to get yelled at for at the reunion.
Dorit and Vanderpump approach Rinna and Eileen.
Dorit: I’m roight heaha Lisa Rinna!
Rinna: Hi! HI! I’m television’s Lisa Rinna! Dusters! Panchos! I just want a lady to feel like a lady at a reasonable price, metal baby!
Dorit’s all “What ya said tew may in Honga Konga was varee mean and deesraspacktfool, REENA!
Rinna has come prepared to confuse the shit out of everyone so she auto wins. She answers “YOU ARE!”
Dorit blinks her dry coke eyes and tries again. “I never said ya had a droge problem!”
Rinna: So are you, Dorit!
Everyone looks around, confused, so Rinna has to say something else. “Eden said it!”
Eden’s like “NO NO NO I AM THE WHITE SWAN NOT THE BLACK SWAN”
Cut to a flashback of Dorit asking Rinna if she thinks that Rinna’s craziness is “induced”. Eden, apparently forgetting all that, just keeps saying “No” over and over again. Vanderpump steps in and says Rinna is paranoid and was the one making Xanax jokes and Dorit was just having fun. Rinna and Eileen boo her like she just missed a goal.
Back at the table, Erika is stuck with Kim, who’s trying to figure out the best way to teach her new grandpuppy how to fetch. “Excuse me, twitchy one. I gotta go yell at some bitches or I’ll be moving to your neighborhood in Tarzana next season.”
Twitch is all “YAY TARZAN I worked with him on a movie about a curious monkey named George! He tried ta giss me, Baby Jane!”
Eden is still trying to defend herself. She’s telling Dorit that she did, in fact, ask if Rinna had a drug problem, but she’s pissed that Rinna is dragging her into this shit. She says that Rinna’s trying to make trouble and “I come from my truth!”, whatever the fuck that’s supposed to mean.
Dorit, who’s learned a new word tonight, asks Rinna why she has to project her own problems onto her, which is just using Rinna’s “YOU ARE” defense back at her. This show gives me a headache sometimes.
Vanderpump jumps in and tells Rinna that she gets it cuz Rinna went after Dorit “the same way you went after me waaaah” and Rinna and Eileen both respond with “BOOOOOOOO!”
Eileen: Sit down, old woman.
Eileen’s belligerence toward Vanderpump is making me like her. Passive aggression is so much better without the passivity. Twitch jumps in with her poor pink dress. “Rinna went after Vanderpump, me, Brandi, Yolandaz…!” I’m waiting for the part that’s supposed to make me not applaud.
Rinna rolls her eyes and says “It’s so easy to say I’m so mean, aggressive, blah blah blah…whatever.” Anyone disagree? Moving on. Back at the party, Rinna tries a new defense and yells at Vanderpump. “This must be so fun for you, hosting a party at your home and zinging me all night!”
Dorit snaps “No becose we’ah not lige yew, Lisa Reenas! We don’tah like attackin’ peoples (to their faces)!”
Rinna has run out of “you are”s, so she says “I like telling the truth!”
Dorit: You’re all over the place.
Rinna: YOU’RE all over the place!
Dorit: You’re a nutter!
Rinna: YOU’RE peanut butter!
She has no idea what she’s mad about any more, but now she’s in Dorit’s face. “WHERE’S YOUR JELLY PEANUT BUTTER?”
Dorit is skerd. “Step out of my face, Rinna! If I can smell your breath, you’re too close!” Considering you smell PK on a daily basis, you should be thankful. A whiff of Rinna’s Tic Tac lunch would be paradise after the salami pastrami peanut M&M odor wafting out of your husband.
Dorit tells us that Rinna was so close she could smell the xanax. Oh Dorit, I love that you try so hard. Hugs. Rinna’s tired, so she changes subjects. “What about what you did to poor Erika! Making that sweet poor woman feel like a slut!”
Kyle looks at us crosseyed, asking wtf that has to do with anything. Nothing, Kyle, that’s the point. Vanderpump growls that there’s so much hot air coming out of Rinna that she should stand next to Erika to warm her up. I hope they have a list of all these remarks to play back at the reunion so I could lol all over again.
Dorit is squealing in thirteen accents about how she’s done nothing but be nice to Erika. Erika says “Ya called me heartless and cold.” Dorit responds “BUT YA AH! And Ah deeden’d seh hahtlahss! I sahd yew wah freegeed!” HAHAH. Everyone groans. Eileen and Rinna boo. Then Rinna breaks out in manic giggles. “You’re PEANUT BUTTER!”
Erika starts her whole “I was cold cuz ya hurt me deep, Dorit!” crap, and Dorit keeps denying guilt. Erika says that all she wanted was an apology, and now it’s Vanderpump and Dorit’s turn to boo.
Dorit: I apologeezed nintey sayvahn tahms, Earkeauh!
Erika shrugs. “I don’t remember.” LOL. She tells us “These bitches get amnesia all the time. Why shouldn’t I get a turn?” Vanderpump squeals that she heard the multiple apologies herself in Hong Kong. Erika shrugs and tells her not to yell, and Vanderpump says she’s standing up for her friend and can yell if she wants. That’s the most aggressive I think she’s ever been in a fight without wahing and trying to look like a victim. Who says a seventh season bitch can’t learn new tricks?
Dorit is off the rails, so to speak. She yells about how Erika said she had to make her hosbaynd apoligoize to the otha hoisbandahs, etc. Meanwhile, PK circles the group like a fat white whale looking for a fresh line to snort. Erika pulls him in. “PK let me ask you a question!”
Oh Jesus. Don’t give him air time. I respect him for being the first fat housewife of BevHills, but I draw the line at men in finale fights.
“Did you say I tried to seduce you?”
PK is red faced and jiggly. How this man’s heart hasn’t popped yet is beyond me. He notices the obvious cocaine references on her shoes and gets super agitated.
“Don’t get upseeeet,” Erika coos, like she’s talking to Don Rickles after going over her allowance. PK snap/jiggles “Oy eyam opset, coz Ah see ya gang up on me woife!”
Erika rolls her eyes and denies. He spits out the line he’s been working on for months. “Erikah, ya say you’re not deliberatleh cold. You’ah inherently cold!” Ooooh, burn. Erika shrugs and tells us “No shit. If ya don’t like me, get in line.” To PK, she says she isn’t cold to Dorit and is the victim of the sitch. He grumbles “If ya believe that, ya delusional!” Oh shut up you fat fuck. You started this. YOU. With your idiot follower wife. You and your rent a ho deserve everything you’re getting right now. Erika reminds him that her beaver is the real victim here.
She stops him. “Don’t call me honey.”
PK jiggles and turns even more red. “I call people honey! That’s who ah am!”
Erika: I know it’s gonna be real hard, but try.
PK: This is what Ah’m talkin’ about. The coldness!
If she were any icier she’d crystalize and he’d smush her up and snort her. Eileen, disgusted with this disgusting man, jumps in and calmly says that Erika isn’t cold. He snaps “That’s my opinion!” like Tamra Barney, and she snaps back “I DON’T CARE. That’s MY opinion.” You go, Eileen! I don’t think I’ve ever typed that.
She tells us that he’s gross. “So inherently rude and classless. How’s THAT for inherently?” Man, Eileen. Keep that fire and add your own storyline at some point and you could really be a great housewife.
Kyle steps in and asks PK if he felt Erika showed her vag cuz she was coming on to him. He shakes his jowels, sweats a bunch, and says “….No?” Solved! Erika smiles and says that’s all she needed to hear, as if this hasn’t been said ten times in the past week.
Dorit isn’t done yet. “The only reason it became a big deal is because Eileen kept repeating it to everyone!” That’s not the only reason. Dorit repeated it to everyone multiple times, too. But yes, Eileen did, and does, do that. It’s her thing. She moans to Rinna “Is that fair?”
PK jumps. Not literally. We have hills to protect. “‘Is that fair?’ Is that what you two do? Decide what’s fair?” Rinna and Eileen boo his stupid ass and send him on his way. Eileen says “Bye. Just…STOP.” He sulks away sweatily.
Eileen moves the group over to the tables to talk about how far the monster from the end of Ghostbusters has fallen in his old age as Erika and Dorit make peace. Dorit insists she never meant it, Erika insists she never gave a fuck. Please make it stop. At the end of the day, Dorit is willing to show up at a party with tinfoil on her head looking like and absolute idiot, and Erika of all people respects that. They decide to pretend to be friends for awhile and that’s that.
Back at the table, Rinna and Eileen laugh it all off. But wait! There’s more! Eden gets on her hamster eyes and whines “I have to say something.” They look at her like “Who are you?” She tells Rinna “I thought we had a friendship and you’ve never been present for me. You’re never there! Am I even talking to you now or is this a hologram of a wig on a flashlight? Get into my space, journey woman!”
Rinna’s like “What? I told you that the minute you went to Vanderpump I put my guard up. I told you that!” Eden stands and starts screaming, realizing this might be her last chance to earn another season and move out of the tiniest home in Real Housewives history. “That’s RUDE! I’ve given you my heart and energy you BITCH!”
Rinna slow claps to us and says “Woah. Look who found her words!” Hahah. Eden is still on. “I’ve given you EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING! YOU GAVE ME NOOOOTHIIIIIIIIIING!”
Twitch is across the yard, but she’s standing and looking over people to catch this shit. “You go, White Rain Lady! I love yer lotions!”
The whole party is staring, because Eden looks like this overgrown child ballerina standing in the middle of the yard yelling at everyone and no one. “I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING!”
Rinna, still shocked, says “I never asked you to!”
Eden snaps “Oh you didn’t? With Kim Richards?”
Rinna remembers it. “Well ok that one time but after that…”
Eden: FUCK YOU NOTHING GIVER! FUCK YOOOOU!
And she’s off. Stomping through the house and over the bridge, pouting and huffing. Vanderpump chases her over the bridge to ask her why she didn’t bring Kyle into it. “Fuck Lisa Rinna! She’s mad I came to you? I like you more than her any day!” Vanderpump puts away her web spinner and smiles at us. “It’s all gone according to plan. She likes me more than Rinna. Yippee.” HAHAHAH
Back at the table, everyone’s still staring. Rinna laughs and says “OK WHO’s NEXT? Come on up!” These bitches are hilariously nuts. Eileen shakes her head. “That’s sad. I feel bad for her. Maybe next time if she has strong feelings she could write it in a letter. Then tear it up. Then try again, and tear that letter up.” I imagine Eileen has a room in her house with stationary covering the walls. Letter upon letter telling that c word Lisa Vandepump to learn to say sorry or end up in a Chinese Taco.
Erika is outta there. She passes by Eden and tells her “Please. Take care of yourself.” Vanderpump pats Eden’s hair like “Don’t worry. This broken little ho will be taken care of from now on.”
Then we get our end cards to update us on everyone’s lack of progress after the season ended.
And that brings us to the end of another glorious season! I’ve had a great time laughing with you guys these past few months. There won’t be any more recaps, but I’ll be breaking each reunion down with Ben over on the Watch What Crappens Podcast, so be sure to find us there. Thanks for the love, support, and the laughs! See you next time! – R