TrashTalkCeleb: Courtney Stodden, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Kim & Kanye, Maci Bookout, Corey Feldman, Erika Jayne
In Touch – Rill Itchy Memorial Courtney Stodden Update: March 30, 2018
The Dame Courtney Stodden hasn’t made much news of late – mayhaps she is hiding in the arms of another paramour? or sequestering herself in her dressing parlor to send weepy missives off to Instagram? Regardless of her whereabouts, I don’t really have an update for you voracious gossip gobblers this week. Instead, here’s an uninspired thesis exploring the myriad ways in which Dame Stodden is just like Marilyn Monroe, Stormy Daniels’ ghostly ancestor.
TMZ – Remember Jingle All the Way? That Was a Good Movie. Anyway I Can’t Think of a Clever Headline Here
Arnold Schwarzenegger is having some trouble with his ticker, because I guess spending your whole life looking like an upside-down Aggrocrag has to take a toll. He went to Cedars-Sinai for a valve replacement, which didn’t work since the doctors forgot that Arnold is made of ground-down factory screws, so they rushed him into emergency open-heart surgery. This marks the second time Arnold’s had work done on his big, flexing, muscly heart, which he chalks up to genetics and “not steroids.” The same way my congenital splitting headache is not the result of the bottle and a half of wine I drank last night. Now please congratulate me on getting through this post about Schwarzenegger’s critical health problem without making a Kindergarten Cop reference.
Just Jared – Curious Creatures Visit Zoo to Research Fellow Curious Creatures
Beautiful, unfeeling Martians Kim and Kanye West took their tiny hatchlings to the San Diego Zoo recently to perform further studies on what life here on Earth entails. Such wonderful beasts this strange orb hosts! Here’s a picture of tiny Conehead North, posing in front of something called a hippopotamus (phylum: chordata, class: mammalia, order: artiodactyla – slow moving, secretes glossy-type substance, enjoys eating shrubbery – to consider: is my sister, the one they call Kylie, a creation of this species?). Cute as this is, North clearly has not learned to smize yet:
People – 🚨🚨🚨 TEEN MOM NEWS ALERT 🚨🚨🚨
Maci Bookout, one of MTV’s few Teen Moms who is not a screaming, Adderall-ridden piercing enthusiast driving around town with unwashed hair and a baby hanging in a shopping bag hooked to the side door, has filed for an order of protection against her ex RAHN Edwards, who you may remember from such classics as “drinking beer in my mom’s garage while pretending to work on a go-kart” and “drinking beer as I complain to my cousin that my bitchy girlfriend wouldn’t let me sleep with the waitress from Buffalo Wild Wings” and “drinking beer as I yell at my 18-month-old for not mastering a band saw yet.” Maci’s husband Taylor McKinney has also filed a similar order on his own, and together the orders of protection also include Maci’s son with RAHN, named BINTLEE, and her kids with kids with Taylor, Jayde and Maverick. Things I learned from this People article are that, holy shit, RAHN is 30, and thus basically my age, which means BINTLEE’s conception was most definitely statutory. Also, RAHN was recently arrested for violating his probation, which stemmed from a charge for heroin possession. RAHN is basically the Jenelle of Teen Mom dads.
ONTD – Pray 4 Corey
Even though I just confessed my age I will consider myself too young to know who Corey Feldman is other than an oily man child who comes up short in his quest to be Mel Gibson No. 2. Anyway, he was “attacked” in his car on Ventura Boulevard this past Tuesday when his “security was distracted” (like Corey Feldman needs security, even security that can’t stop random people from getting in Corey’s car). Corey claims he was “stabbed,” and gosh, what a terrifying prospect indeed. Let’s take a look at the damage, shall we?
Wow. It’s a marvel he didn’t bleed out. By the way, whatever massive samurai sword that made this horrifying gash in Corey’s torso luckily(?) did not infect him with anything.
Page Six – It Costs A Lot of Money To Look This Cheap
One of the things I love about the Beverly Hills Housewives is that they genuinely are as rich as other Housewives desperately pretend to be. And with the exception of fancy
pissing contests house parties, they really never talk about it! The only thing they care about is whether Dorit is going to show up on time and not call someone a c**t, or if they’re convincing the audience that they genuinely don’t notice Kim Richards crawling around on the floor with a vibrator drooling on about pit bulls and turtles.
So it always comes as a fun thrill for me when I hear about where all their bazillions of dollars go. For Erika Girardi, forty thousand of them go into making Erika Jayne a reality… every month. I guess that includes everything from production to paying a bunch of gay squirrels to follow her around the world, braiding her hair and dressing her up like she’s their big Life Size Barbie, but DAMN. Can you imagine spending what is almost the median American salary every month on luxury Adidas track suits? Do you want me to pass the tissues? I know, this is rough for you, a Poor Person. Cheer up. America will be great again soon, and then we’ll all get our gay squirrels and track suits.
In the meantime, don’t forget to pat the puss, Trashies. Have an xxpen$ive weekend!
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