Hey Trashies! We’ve reached the second week of the VPR season 6 Mexico extravaganza, and everyone is three, four, even five sheets to the wind by now. However, there’s still more alcohol in Playa del Carmen, so gang’s clearly got more drinking to do. Let’s jump right in, shall we?
We open with Stassi and Lala at the bar. Stassi says she will never let KFC move to Florida. She says when you’re in love with somebody you want to do everything you can to be with them, but Jax has shit on every single part of their relationship, so it’s high time for a little ‘event planning’.
Back at the table, Schwa suggests Jax take a breather. Jax says, “Absolutely, let’s get the f*ck out of here,” and they take off.
Meanwhile, at the bar, Kristen and Katie join Stassi and Lalz. Katie says there was some girl power shit at the table which she totally appreciated. Kristen stumbles around in agreement, slurring, “Out is that way.” Stassi interviews that they’ve all been drinking the entire trip, but not like Kristen.
Katie suggests they get naked and jump in the ocean. Stassi says Lalz is being inducted into the Witches of WeHo coven.
Meanwhile, the guys are having Boys’ Night with the addition of honorary Vanderdude Ariana, who’s striking doofy one-of-the-guys grimaces and adjusting her hair when she thinks the camera is off her.
James opens a couple of beer bottles with his teeth, then asks Jax what he’s going to do if Brit-Brit doesn’t go to Florida with him. Jax says he doesn’t think that will happen. Sandy sighs, “I have to say, Jax has been through the ringer, man.” James interviews that he wants to enjoy boys’ night, so he’s not going to spill the beans on Brittany’s date night with Adam. So they drink and dance, and whoop it up like OGs from the OC.
Now the Witches hit the beach with their new inductee, Lala. WTF with this beach? It appears the Witches took a wrong turn and ended up at Playa del Sea Gunk.
They strip to varying degrees, and jump in the water, performing weird chants and spells as they clasp arms and proclaim undying obeisance to one another, Taco Bell, and the coven.
Back at SUR, Lisa checks in with Billie Lee about her date with Jeremy. Billie says everything was great, then tells Lisa that Scheana’s trying to set Brittany up with Adam. Lisa says, “I think that’s a little premature, don’t you?” She interviews that the only ramification that concerns her is the havoc it could wreak in her restaurant, but as far is Jax is concerned, fair game.
She asks if Billie could suggest to Scheana that she stay out of that one, being that it’s a potentially explosive situation. Billie says she’ll do her best, which is all Lisa wants to hear.
Back at Andaz, Lala is preparing her baby bottle for the night. It turns out Lala goes to bed every night with a baby bottle full of milk and honey. Scheana says, “What are you doing?” Lala explains, “I’m making my baba.” Scheana interviews that she may go to bed every night with a very meaningful stuffed frog, but she doesn’t know any grown woman who goes to bedtime with a baba.
Lala shows Scehana how she props her baba up on her blankie, no handsies, and puts on her favorite TV show (VPR). She interviews that she’s on a very low dose of her anti-anxiety medication, so when she feels her heart beating a little fast, she needs her baba to keep calm. “It soothes me, like I’m a baby,” she says.
Over at Schwa and Katie’s, Katie is feeding Schwa pizza in bed while adorably next-level wasted. He’s so sloppy dripping pizza on the pillow, then flopping over it to attack Katie, who tells him it’s not sexy.
Katie interviews, “If he blacks out and makes out with someone, it’ll most likely be me.”
There’s a knock on the door, and in comes Stassi, who was forced out of her room by Kristen, who smoked the whole place up and was having a meltdown. Kristen was saying, “I just wanna be at home! This is why I don’t like to travel!” and blaming it on Stassi, just like in Copenhagen. Apparently Kristen, Katie and Stassi took a trip to Copenhagen last spring, and Kristen was so unbearable, they ditched her, and went to Paris without her.
She says the sad thing is, she didn’t learn the lesson of ‘don’t travel with Kristen’. She’s stressing about how she just wants to sleep in her own bed, and she feels bad even talking about it. Schwa tells her to sleep with them. “Don’t make this weird,” he says, and they all settle in for the night.
It’s 7:30 the next morning, and everybody gets up exhausted for the water park. Schwa interviews that it just feels natural to include Stassi in their bed, because after all, she tagged along on their honeymoon. “What’s one night in Mexico?” he says.
Sandy tells Ariana he’s surprised that out of all of them, Jax would be the one to leave. Ariana says, “Well, there are things like planes.” Sandy whines that it’s not fair, but Ariana tells him it’s part of growing up, and he has to deal with it.
Jax is sitting alone the balcony, pressing the black tourmaline stone against his furrowed brow. He says he just wanted to go to Mexico to have some fun, drink tequila and eat tacos. He doesn’t know why everyone’s fighting over his job offer; he thought it would be a pretty cool thing to share.
KFC asks about the stone, and he explains it’s supposed to suck up all the negative energy… um… within him, yeah, that’s it. She takes off to give him some alone time with his stone.
“Wow, it really works,” mumbles Jax.
James busts out his español as they head to the water park, then once there, guzzles a cup of sangria or some such pink Mexican hooch. The girls get their pics taken with a couple of macaws, and we learn Lala is bird-phobic.
Then, in her never-ending quest to befriend Ariana, Stassi makes the fatal error of moaning to her and Sandy about rooming with Kristen, possibly hoping to find common Kristen-bashing ground. Cringingly, she’s deeply immersed in an abusive-boyfriend relationship with Ariana, who mocks her mercilessly in interview.
Sandy asks incredulously, “You want complete darkness, complete blackness after 12 am? ” Ariana smirks, like the cool girl with no bedtime that she is. Stassi says she compromised and made it 2:00 a.m., causing Ariana to laugh in her face.
Elsewhere, Jax is afraid to go on the zipline, because he doesn’t want another Big Bear situation. Here we get a flashback of Jax calling out for Max the lifeguard to save him, to the extreme amusement of the Vanderhoes. Jax says, “I really don’t want to die in Mexico on my birthday.” Scheana makes sure he’s wearing a life vest, because she’s all laughed out.
Now Stassi has a word with Kristen, while Scheana mocks her from the water.
Stassi gets nowhere with Kristen, who likes her bubble and wants Stassi to take 50% of the blame for their bad travel experiences. She tells Kristen if she were planning a trip overseas right now, she wouldn’t take her. Kristen says she wouldn’t go.
The gang is enjoying the water when KFC comes up to Jax and says, “I saw a lemur family with a bunch of little lemur babies, and a huge iguana was just chillin’ with um.” Then they show us just one lemur with no babies or iguana.
She asks why he’s alone, and he says he’s just chillin’, enjoying the water. He says he doesn’t know why everything went so badly the night before. He wasn’t trying to be secretive. He just wanted to tell the Toms before he shared with everybody else.
Jax says he honestly thought she was on board, and if he thought she might not be, he would have handled things differently. He says he can’t stop thinking about the job in Florida. He’s gung ho about moving closer to his family and working in hockey, the only question is, is Brittany going to come with him? Because if not, oh well.
Jax says he’s burned out and ready for a change. Brit-Brit apologizes for the fight, and says its a lot to think about. She doesn’t want to make decisions overnight, as she needs a little more time to manipulate these dummies into helping her keep her gravy train in town.
Kristen is off somewhere texting, like the emotional terrorist that she is, while Stassi moans and whimpers that she has no refuge. She says rooming with Kristen is like having a member of Isis in her hotel room — a drunk member of Isis, who’s having whiny freak outs.
James decides to spill the beans to Jax, to solidify their embryonic bro-bond. He says they’re out to destroy his relationship. Jax says, “Welcome to my life.”
Back at Andaz, Katie dad-bod shames Schwa playfully, while down the hall, Scheana calls Rob, who literally tells her he’d be so proud of her if she turned off her phone.
She starts yammering like he isn’t even there, while his eyes desperately wander out the car window, wondering if he’s driving slowly enough to jump out. It’s like she’s projecting this fantasy Rob hologram on him, as if by sheer force of will, she can make him love her ‘n The Claw.
Finally, he tells her he wants to be safe and hangs up. Lala runs to hide her bunny, then remembers she doesn’t have one.
Meanwhile, Kristen says when she travels anywhere out of the country without Carter she gets all this anxiety, which she usually handles with edibles and other substances (yolo). In Jax’s room, KFC throws Scheana under the bus to Jax, who rants about how pathetically eager she is to marry and divorce all the time.
Back at Villa Rosa, Lisa’s experimenting in the kitchen with a meatless pasta dish. She plans to put it on the menu if it turns out as good as she thinks it will to be, and Ken’s going to be her guinea pig. This recipe calls for two jars of sun-dried tomatoes packed in olive oil, which she’s spending an inordinately long time dicing in slow-mo.
“Whereabouts in Mexico are we?” asks Ken.
“Playa del Carmen,” says Lisa. She says Sandoval has certainly changed his attitude, while they play Lisa’s new ‘ditzy’ soundtrack in the background. “I think Tom and Tom are really beginning to understand the direction that I want them to go in,” she says, presumably based on the fact that Schwa was wearing shoes and Sandy served a cocktail at the meeting with that attractive Nick Alain and the eye-rolling guy.
We get a flashback to the meeting, then Lisa says in a singsong voice, “Schwartzie is the puppy dog, the quintessential puppy dog. You know, he looks at you with those eyes, he’s got that shaggy hair. Hope he doesn’t have another one of those blackouts. There’s a lot of naughtiness coupled with a little bit too much alcohol, makes a recipe for disaster.”
Since that guy is not there, Ken does the eye rolling himself.
He asks, “When will this be ready, baby?” Chopping at a snail’s pace, Lisa says, “It will be ready soon. It’s gonna taste like bolognese, but it’s not going to have any meat in it.” Ken appreciatively says, “It’s one thing I’m not worried about. You’re cooking, I’m eating.”
Lisa unkindly retorts, “Well, we can see you’ve done enough of that.” At this point, Ken goes for the full 360°.
So Brittany has arranged for the gang to go to a restaurant called SUR in Mexico. As they walk up, they’re kidding about the Mexican equivalents they’re sure they’ll encounter on staff. James busts out his American accent, joking, “Hi I’m Guillermo. Come take a seat in my restaurant.”
They’re seated by the Mexican Billie Lee, who’s not startled at all. In fact, she looks rather bored. James cracks, “Funny enough, there’s a TomTom round the corner.” They all laugh, then take a round of shots. Schwa says, “Hey, look at this! There was a time when it was forbidden for me to hang out with Lala, hanging out with Lala would have been relationship suicide.” Jax laughs sheepishly.
“Now look at us!” shouts James, throwing his arm around Jax. Jax says James ought to come over, because he has a drum set now. James shouts, “I know! Yes!” Lala interviews that this whole thing between Jax and James, this friendship, whatever you wanna call it, reminds her of someone playing hard to get, and someone who’s pretty easy.
Jax says, “We should get tattoos on our asses.” James shouts, “Hey, me and Jax are gonna get tattoos tonight! I don’t wanna get anything on my butt, though.” Lala says, “James is acting like a girl who’s willing to give it up on the first date, because he is constantly craving the approval from anybody and everybody, especially Jax.” So sad!
Scheana asks Stassi how old Patrick is, and Stassi answers, “Thirty nine. Old as fuck.” Scheana says, “Rob is 36.”
“I like that he’s older,” says Stassi.
“Yeah, no, me too,” slurs Scheana. “He’s the best.” KFC interviews, “Everybody buckle yer seat belts, we’re about to go on a Rob and Scheana ride.” The gang zones out while Scheana brags, “He’s so handy with things, it’s so sexy.” Hilariously, the producers splice together her brags with flashbacks from Big Bear of the exact same brags.
1. He’s so handy with things, it’s so sexy
2. He hung a TV in under seven minutes
3. He hooked the hitch up to her car in less than a minute/two seconds
Now Sandy calls Lisa on the phone. He says he’s calling from SUR, and she asks who it is. Then he explains they have a SUR restaurant in Playa del Carmen. Lisa wants to know what it’s like. A hovering Schwa says, “Tell her I miss her.” He interviews that if he’s being completely honest, he’s a little jealous that Sandy has her number and he doesn’t.
“Mostly that’s my fault, because I’m too shy to ask her for her number,” he says, all ‘quintessential puppy dog’. “I’m sure she’d give it to me. I just haven’t mustered up the courage to take our relationship to the next level, you know? So for now, I email her.”
Tom signs off, then he and Jax take off for the bathroom together. KFC laughs, “They’re taking bathroom breaks together, like we do,” and Katie jokes, “They gotta hold each other’s dicks, I guess.” Inside, Tom and Jax find this glass floor/ceiling over a lower dining floor, and jump on it together. Sandy says how scary it was.
Now that Jax has Tom alone, he tells him about Scheana and the Adam thing. Tom says, “Really fucked up.” He interviews, “Brittany is obviously with Jax, is staying with Jax. They’re together. So Scheana is crossing the line.” He tells Jax that Brittany made that choice to stay with Jax, and the others should respect that, and that she’s a big girl (hey, hey, no need for that), and can take care of herself.
Back at the table, Lala tells James he’s the most amazing person she knows, but she’d like him to share more of his experience. Kristen perks up. James says, “Lala, you know me the best,” causing Kristen to butt in, “Or the one you’ve lived with, a little bit.”
“Oh yeah, smiles James, “I forgot about that.” Haha, sick burn.
Lala says James’s dad told her about this, because she was telling him about her bullying experience. James is saying, “I hate talking about me.” Stassi says, “What?! White Kanye, you don’t like talking about yourself? You’re full of shit.” James protests, “I wanna party.” Even so, now we are transported to James’s personal Lord of the Stick Bugs experience.
Lala says, “He was bullied so badly back in the UK to the point where kids broke his leg.” Stassi and Ariana gasp as James shares, “These guys were twisting my leg until I heard a click. It was really bad.” He goes on, “People used to call me gay, right, back in London, you know? Then came the chin comments, then the ear comments, and just shit, man, like — and then it got physical, like real physical.”
He interviews, “There’s people that are gonna try and bring you down on the way. But, you know, sometimes you have no control, and they will bring you down. But it’s about getting back up after that.”
He says his parents took him out of that school, and when he moved out of England, his life completely changed. “Because I went from, you know, kid with no friends that gets picked on to in America, like, ‘There’s a British kid in our school, best be friends with that kid.’ That’s why I feel like sometimes I get a little bit, like the cockiness, the big-headedness.”
Kristen interviews, “The way James was treated and bullied had a major impact on the way that he acts as an adult. I mean, his outbursts are like these childlike temper tantrums, so I have a little bit of sympathy for his upbringing.” Not to mention, after a hard day of getting his legs torn off, the poor little bug would come home to a drunk, sex-crazed mother making the moves.
Kristen tells him, “Just be kind, do you know what I mean?” James says, “Yeah, yeah, be kind. That’s good. I like being kind.” He shares a fleeting human-like moment, locking his shy baby compounds with Lala, then Kristen.
The gang sets up with another round of shots, and Scheana toasts to Brittany for organizing the trip. She slurs at Jax, “You better know how fucking lucky you are to have this girl. Even if you go to Tampa, we’re all still gonna love you, but we might just keep her here with us.”
Jax’s bullshit radar is off the radar, but thanks to Kelsey, he manages to keep his cool.
Now they go exploring, and find a kiosk that sells wooden penis flutes. Ariana interviews, “Somewhere in Mexico, there is a craftsman who is sitting in a workshop whittling penis flutes.” How heteronormative of her to assume it’s a man. Then she squats on the ground and plays one, in a cool manner.
When she’s done, she jokes that it’s hard (haha, get it?), but nobody laughs, even though she got a B+ in Joke Setup and Execution 101.
Next, they hit a club for drinks and dancing. Stassi, who is the official Trip Interviewer for All Things Wasted, drones on about how much more Schwa drinks than the rest of those lushes (except maybe Kristen).
Sandy asks Scheana what the Adam night was about, and she tells him, “Oh, it was nothing.” He interviews, “Typical Scheana doing shady-ass shit and not owning up to it. You knew exactly what you were doing, and it’s really fucked up.” Jax joins them, and asks her, “So could you fill me in a little bit?” His problem is not Adam’s so-called crush; in fact, he hopes all the bartenders get imaginary crushes on Brittany. His problem is that Scheana arranged a meet-up between them.
“This is typical Scheana, you know, putting her hands in the cookie pot where it doesn’t belong,” says Jax. “I mean, how would Scheana react if I tried to show Rob another girl? Or try to introduce him to someone else? Or throw the fact that, you know, he doesn’t love you out?” Which he already did. Ooh! Wait a minute…
Scheanabaneana interviews, “So now you know what it feels like when you meddle in someone else’s relationship. Well, maybe you shouldn’t have started a rumor about me and said my boyfriend didn’t love me, motherfucker.”
“Love me, motherfucker”
In the time-honored VPR tradition of referring to Brit-Brit as if she were a mentally disabled baby, Stassi interviews, “Scheana’s not my favorite person in the world, but listen, I’m all about Brittany moving on. I’m not so sure about another model/bartender, but, like, anything is gonna be a step up from what she’s dealing with. Adam Spott, all for it.”
Jax calls Brittany over, who tells him nothing ever came of it, and she doesn’t have his number. Jax says, “Look at my life and look at his. You’re a dishwasher. Go back. Be gone.” Then he throws down the gauntlet. “Listen,” he says, “If you wanted to leave me, you would have left me a long time ago.” KFC stares dumbfounded as he gets up and walks away.
Next on VPR, Ken tempts Lisa with a new doggie. Also, México till the vacas come home. Stay tuned, Trashies!
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