Hey Trash Bags!
Ugh, I’m so sad and I feel like Carole Radziwill. Typically I’d ALWAYS feel blue if I EVER felt like stupid Carole, but I am sad today, because, like her, I only have two good summers left. Next week is the season finale and I just might go try to drown myself in a hot tub. (That is called foreshadowing people…wait for it.)
Our resident whiny bitch, Stephen, opens the show with his recap of last week. I tune out because me bugs, and he says something about him having “Millennial problems.” IS he a Millennial? I guess he technically is. In case you caught it, I realize that I wrote “me bugs” instead of “he” above. Maybe I was feeling some of my Irish roots, or maybe just reading it back I found it amusing and I plan to use it daily. #mebugs
Alright, let’s get into the show. We hop right back into Kyle and Amanda’s fight. I love this! Nothing brings me more joy than someone clapping in between their words in an argument. “Summer (clap) should (clap) be (clap) fun! Amanda (points) NOT FUN.” This needs to be in the Bravo annals of best quotes, right next to “Who gonna check me boo?” and “It’s about Tom.” (Among MANY others)
I (CLAP) HEART (CLAP) KYLE!! (CLAP CLAP)
Okay, so everyone is getting ready to go out, even though they have been drinking all day. Oh…to be 21 again! Wait, what?! They are in their 30’s? Yikes! (as if I should talk) Carl’s stupid Lindsay knockoff, Olive Oyl, (we’ll call her EVOO in honor of Rachel Ray) is still there, and Carl asks if he should put on some deodorant. I’m riveted. Stephen is about to jump off that suicide bridge in San Francisco, because his blind date texted him back about his birthday party, but apparently that wasn’t enough for our whiny bitch. Lauren talks him off the ledge and convinces him to go. Don’t worry…he whines and pouts around, like I did when I was 12, about calling an Uber. (Uber didn’t exist when I was 12…I meant the tween bitchiness.)
Most of them go to Stephen’s one-date-wonder’s birthday party in Montauk, and I’m not sure where Danielle and Amit go, but no one cares. Amanda and Kyle stay back, as they have been fighting and he is wasted. She takes a shower and he considers passing out. Later that night she hops into the hot tub. Umm…record scratch! She JUST took a shower and now she is in that disgusting tub where Ghostface #1 (Danielle) and her DJ banged last episode? Not to mention what other debauchery has gone down in there throughout the season…and life. EWW. Kyle stumbles out and they have a little heart to heart. Amanda just can’t deal with his party animal lifestyle anymore. I mean guys, he DID just turn 35 the other day. Eh, not much is resolved, and Amanda proceeds to drown herself in the Jacuzzi…not really.
ROSE LET GO…THAT BITCH
The rest of the gang returns back to the house. Stephen has realized that Travis isn’t so bad (eye roll). He celebrates by skinny dipping. In the great words of Valerie Cherish, “I don’t want to see that!”
HIS CANNONBALL LEFT THE POOL EMPTY
Most of the house bangs and then passes out. Carl gets up at about 2:30 AM to puke and EVOO asks him what he drank. I don’t love Carl, so I was prepared to give him a bunch of shit. Unfortunately, he explains that he can drink an Olympic sized swimming pool of Rose and be fine. He ate a bad mussel and was puking all night. I will give him a pass, considering that the exact same thing happened to me last weekend. It was Bummer City, USA.
It’s Sunday morning and the gang is waking up. Kyle knows he’s on thin ice with Amanda and is doing the annoying/attentive boyfriend thing as she plays on her phone. Carl and his idiot fuck buddy (EVOO) are talking about his sausage fingers, and Stephen is sleeping under his Game Of Thrones furry blanket…as usual. Ghostface #1 Facetime’s with her brother, Aldwin. Typically I’d skip right over this, but, who is named Aldwin? Is that a thing? If I were him I’d slap a big ol’ B in front of that name and get some poontang. Eww…who am I?
Blah blah. Stephen and Lauren talk a bunch of shit on Amanda and Kyle and we move on to Sunday at about 3PM. Everyone heads back to NYC. Boring. Boring. Boring.
Stephen waits for his date (Travis). Ghostface #1 has an interview. Lindsay does PR for some Grungy Gentleman Fashion Show. Carl goes on a day date with EVOO. Raise your hand if you care.
Kyle and Amanda have a quiet dinner and decide that something has to change. Kyle can’t be getting all wasted and asking her to marry him and have babies, if he’s not really willing too. The answer to their problem is that they will go drink for drink this weekend. Now, I’m not a Board Certified Addiction Medicine Specialist, like Dr. Drew…but this sounds like a bad idea.
I hate to be lame, but, TGIF! Lindsay meets up with Everett at some coffee shop to chat about their relationshit….oops, SHIP! Basically he apologizes for ruining her birthday week (by sending her flowers and a love letter) and he wants to make it work. She’s donzo (so she says) and wants to move on. He says he’ll try not to bother her anymore, and if my eyes did not decieve me…he teared up. WOW!
TEARS OF A CLOWN
Enough with the BOO HOO bullshit. It’s Friday around 4PM and my girl Ashley is back! YAY!! She will be there for the next two weeks and her infamous husband, Brad, will join next weekend. Then the Wirkus Circus is off to Greece for their sister’s wedding. (Super jello in my apt in Boston, Mass.)
Carl is excited for Brad’s arrival because they will have a “man-off.” Guys, I’m not even gonna get into it. It’s totally different, but those are probably the words I’d scream if I ever found myself in the clutches of Carl. If I was ever near Carl, I would probably need 14 gallons of Tito’s, which is what Stephen poured into his cup in the next scene. Hey, I don’t blame him.
DRINK DRINK WE DRUNK WE DRUNK DRUNK
Alright, let’s get through this. Karyl (Carl and Kyle’s new celeb name) start a BBQ fire and Lauren gets a text from the blind date she had with Ghostface #1 the other day (Justin). Ashley reads it: “I’ve got a hot date with the gym later. Then it’s Netflix and chill.” If I got that text I would immediately run to the bathroom and violently vomit…or just not respond. Anyway, Whiny McGee reads my mind and says that his lame lines are slightly better than Carl’s. He has some major resentment boiling up, and I can’t wait for the explosion!
Everyone is in the kitchen and Amanda is telling them about her drink-for-drink rule with Kyle. Ashley speaks for me and asks, “Uh, at who’s pace? You’ll be on the floor honey!” Obvi it’s supposed to be at her pace. Ever the voice of reason, Whiny McGee states that it will never work, and if you have to monitor your boyfriend’s alcohol consumption, weeeelllll…you might be a redneck…or an alcoholic.
Can I get a drum roll please? Ghostface #2 (Amit) is in the scene. He washed his baseball cap in the dishwasher with one of those hat caddy’s. That is literally his arc on the show. Boy bye.
I’D RATHER WATCH THE HAT IN THE SPIN CYCLE
So, it’s Friday night and Ghostface #1 got a job! Hooray! Honestly, no one cares because Amanda and Kyle are at it again. They have a tiny scuffle but the other housemates are talking about them at the table. Amanda gets embarrassed and pissed. Well, sweetums, you probably shouldn’t have told them about all your problems and your new drink policy, if you didn’t expect them to gossip about it. She is pissed because Kyle is one drink ahead on their Twisted Tea party train. The girl is visibly upset, but goes to dinner, regardless. Kyle kinda tries to come to her defense, and the twins and Stephen jump down his throat! I’m not sure who, but Kyle tells one of the “Jack In The Boxes, to go back in.” Loved it.
Carl is on his I’m-A-Nice-Guy Tour, so he jumps in as well to let Amanda speak. I get it. It’s very hard to get a word in with the Wircus Circus and McGee. He’s right. They are kind of a machine gun. Anyway, Carl changes the subject and reminds them that they have a Rose Party tomorrow. Gag me.
They decide to go out as a house, so Lindsay does a Hula dance for Ghostface #1 in her thong…as one does.
THAT THONG THA THONG THONG THONG
Stephen slides across floors like a beached whale. Carl’s dick gets hard from a handshake with Kyle, and they head out. When they get to dinner, Carl makes a nice toast to friendship (or whatever) and Bitchy McGee pours his shot out on the floor. Not for his homies…to be the bitch that he is. Now, he probably didn’t need one, but that is just plain rude. Carl calls him out on it, but Drunko McGee doesn’t seem to care.
It’s Sunday and everyone wakes up hot. Something about the AC. Caryl plays tennis and they head to Rose Rehab. As someone who lived in Vegas, I immediately thought of the pool, Rehab, at The Hard Rock, but some of the cast could probably use ACTUAL rehab.
Amanda and Kyle are lovebirds again and plan to stick to the drink-for-drink plan. They are totally N’SYNC, or Backstreet…whateves. They all plan to “Send It” today. Is that a thing? I’ve never heard that before, but, I’ll probably “send it” this holiday weekend. God, I’m getting old.
Lindsay’s client/hookup Nick came to the party and doesnt want to kiss her. I’ll keep my eye on him. Carl is trying to impress women with his dental dad jokes, “You can’t handel the TOOTH!” Please don’t disrespect my favorite movie Carl.
So, as the fun ensues, there is a drink-for-drink tally for Amanda and Kyle. Amanda is up 7-5 at this point and is clearly wasted. She can barely walk and they take her home so she can fall into bed. Kyle brings her some nuts to put in her stomach. Ummm…she has a great body, and probably eats very healthy. BUUUUUT…a drunko does NOT need nuts. Give her water and something with a little sustenance. God dammit!! AM I Dr. Drew?!
I LOVE HER
Would you all love to hear some shocking news? Lauren pulls out her boobs and shoves them in Lindsay’s face. Shocked?! The gang decides to go out, sans Amanda. Kyle is a little worried but the Wirkus Twins convince him. I don’t think this will be a thing on the next episode. I would have told Kyle to leave her a note stating that he didn’t want to wake her and he went out with the housemates, be home later. Uh, DUH! Well, until then!
Next week is the season finale. I actually think I read that they are doing a reunion. HOORAY!!
Thanks for reading and I plan to start Bridezillas this week (mid-season) and I will do 60 Days In next season- if stupid Angele didn’t ruin it for all of us!
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