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Previously on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Hong Kong was way more scared of us than we were of them.
We open where we left off, at the Hong Kong version of Hometown Buffet. Rinna has just accused Dorit of being a coke addict, and Kyle is so traumatized that she creatively visualizes Carnie Wison tossing tiny cheesecakes into her mouth.
Eden is the only one dressed properly for the most insane fight of the season.
Vanderpump and Kyle are booing and moaning and pointing at Rinna after she asked Dorit if her guests were doing coke at her party, but Rinna is in manic mode and there’s no stopping her. “Just answer, DORIT! Answer, BABY!” Dorit acts shocked. “I have no idea! No one brought it to my attention!”
And they would have. We all know that when we do coke at parties, there’s always that person who’s like “Hey. You’re doing coke right now.” It’s what makes coke so fun.
Rinna gets her mom voice back on. “I was forced to ask you after you insinuated that I’m a Xanax addict!”
She tells us that she doesn’t like calling people out, but Dorit started it and her coke eyes reach almost as far out of her head as her nose. Well, duh. It’s like accusing Pinnochio of being made outta wood by some old perv with a shoe obsession.
Dorit is clucking like a hen now. “I leeve een a coke dahn! I have two littleuh behbehs buht Ah leeve een a cokeuh daynuh!” Girl, having two babies doesn’t close your nostrils. If anything, you’re establishing a solid motive.
Vanderpump groans loudly. “I know what you’re trying to do, Rinna, and it’s a low blow!”
Rinna snaps “I don’t care! You know low blows better than anybody!”
Eileen, suddenly out of victim mode, slurs “Ya really do!” Well I guess that bond over tortured dogs is over now.
Dorit is clucking even more loudly now, emboldened by her friend’s team spirit. “Ah feel loike Ah just got outuh a torchah chaymbah! A TORCHAH CHAYMBAH!”
Like Saw without victims to root for.
Rinna is up and pacing around the table now. I’m glad they’re not on a balcony, cuz she’d pace right the fuck off it right now. “All you have to say is I DON’T KNOW, LISA! and I’ll stop!”
Kyle, Vanderpump and Dorit all whine yell “I DON’T KNOW, LISA!” in unison. LOL! She gets her purse as her chola in arms, Eileen, announces “Let’s go. Nothing more to come of this.” Why is there no more to come? You’ve got a pack of rich bitches from Beverly Hills sitting here. If you wanna start pointing out addictions, this could last til breakfast. Unfortunately, they’re quitters and leave.
In the car on the way back, Vanderpump tells Dorit “I know bettah than anyone what that feels like! You handled yourself well, dahling.” Dorit is beside herself. “It was designedah ta intentionalleh malignuh me charactah! What deed Ah do tah merit thatuh?” I wanna be on Dorit’s side here, but she talks like such an asshole I just can’t be. To be fair though, she probably did the same thing to merit this that she did to merit an expensive car and a rental mansion and it involved the sloppy use of her mouth.
Rinna is packing her tiny rolly suitcase to get the hell out of this dump and to the glamorous land of QVC. She calls Not GiGi to see if she’s learned to walk like she’s thinking about getting food yet. Not GiGi can’t stop staring at herself in the FaceTime camera, and it’s hilarious. I wouldn’t be able to FaceTime if I had a face like that either. “Would you stop looking at yourself and look at me?!” The kid hangs up on her, and Rinna is left waving her phone around the hotel room to the beat of the wacky “I didn’t just try to ruin someone’s life on television” Clown Music.
She calls Vanderpump on her way out. On the hotel phone. She doesn’t want the wave of disappointment gushing through FaceTime and ruining her freshly applied makeup.
“Hey Lisa Vanderpump! This is Lisa Rinna proud wife of Harry Hamlin! This trip has been amazing! Your planning skills are on point, BABY! I give your travel agency nine stars out of three! That’s four time the star limit! Congratulations!”
Vanderpump groans into the phone. “Dahling, I think you missed the spirit of the trip. You slaughtered a bitch last night and I wasn’t very happy.”
Rinna mom voice/whines “I wasn’t happy eeeeeeither! I didn’t mean any ill intent!” LOL. Rinna didn’t throw a glass at Dorit or try to scalp her turkey neck. She deserves some kind of reward, not a disappointment groan from the Presidential Suite.
Vanderpump puts her anger aside. “Dorit is a nice girl etc etc etceteraaahhhh. You’ll come to my new Rose tasting, won’t you dahling?” Commerce can’t stand in the way of friendship, people. There’s a reason this woman is not a poor.
Rinna shrugs and agrees to come. She tells us that Dorit’s bullshit and when people are bullshit Rinna becomes the drug addiction judge. That’s just how things work. Bye, Hong Kong BABY! Stay away from the white lady!
In the lobby, Erika and Eileen are sitting there stonefaced while Eden watches them like a really boring TV show.
Erika’s pretending that she has no idea she told Eileen to go fuck herself last night, and Eileen’s pretending that Erika’s trying to find the right time to apologize. She tells us that she will be having a talk with Erika if Erika doesn’t have a talk with her. Yes, Eileen, WE KNOW. I have a feeling that it won’t be two seasons worth of talking, though, because without Erika she’d just have Rinna as an ally and there’s no telling when that crazy wig will be sent to a mental hospital.
The ladies meet up and go shopping. Eileen is going to buy herself a purse to make her forget that Erika yelled at her, a belt to make her forget that the ladies screamed at each other in public and embarrassed her, and a ring to make her remember to remind Vanderpump that she’s owed an apology from a rude comment she made in the Hamptons two years ago.
Erika walks up to the counter to see if the clerk has brought her choices up. The tiny counter lady averts her eyes and tells her that yes, the extra larges are waiting. LOL! Erika tells us that in America she’s a six, but that’s Extra Large here. “That took the wind out of my sails.” Thankfully, the geyser only bursts every couple of years and the teeny tiny clerk isn’t thrown up against a wall and battered with “FUCK YOU”s. “NONE OF YOU KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE AN EXTRA LARGE! FUCK YOU FOR THAT! Wait not you Kyle but THE REST OF YOU FUCK YOU BITCHES!”
Upstairs, Eden is deep breathing on a couch next to Erika, who’s wishing for anyone or anything to save her from being hugged. Eden’s purchases are brought over and she buys Erika a ring. Erika’s like ummmmmmm…..why? “You don’t have to buy me things to be my friend, just my husband. I’m juggling enough ball skin right now, so please hold the jewelry for the next few years until the extra butter finally puts Don Rickles down.”
Eden insists. “Just say thank you and I love you.”
Erika lifts her finger up and down, trying to gauge the price to weight ratio. “Thanks…?” No “I love you.” Poor Eden.
Erika runs right downstairs to tell everyone that the sad girl tried to buy her. “I told her NO, EDEN, but she got it anyway.” Vanderpump is jeal. She had that broken ho over for tea and got nothing. She tells Erika to price it so she knows how nice she needs to be to Eden for the rest of the trip. LOL. Erika does. At first the clerk just says “I so sorry. Extra Large! I no make size! EXTRA LARGE! HELP EXTRA LARGE HURT ME!”
Erika flicks her forehead and says “RING.” Terrified, the little clerk spouts off numbers and Vanderpump gasps. “Seventeen hundred dollars?! You’ll be holding both her hands for the rest of the trip, dahling.” Erika doesn’t buy it. Her husband didn’t even spend that much on his first piece of date jewelry and she drove him home using only her vagina on the steering wheel. She makes the clerk check again. It was only a hundred and seventy. Erika pouts. “Now I’m pissed. EDEN! Get me a better gift!”
I don’t know what happened to turn Erika into an awful human being overnight, but I hope she keeps it up because it’s hilarious.
Vanderpump takes them to the dog rescue to meet Rescue Twink and the other ASPCA people. The plan is to bring “Ambassador Dogs” to America to show us all what cuteness China is eating. Twink tells them that they’ve stopped three trucks so far that were on their way to the local McDonald’s. Kyle hears McDonald’s and puts on a silk bib.
The saved dogs are all so cute. It’s kinda shocking, cuz I always thought they were taking the strays off the street or whatever. These are cute puppies. Not that it’s easier to eat ugly ones or anything. But who eats a Beagle? They’re all ears.
On the other hand, I do love a burrito.
Erika, still in her giant sunglasses, stares down at a dog in a cone.
“Ya got neutered, huh? Is that why you’re in a cone? They tried to neuter me, once. Now THEY’RE all in fuckin’ cones. Learn to fight or you’re toast topping, bitch.”
Wow. That was touching. Thanks, Erika.
Eileen has fallen in love. She’s found a dog that totally gets her inside and out. “It’s sad.” Yes, Eileen. WE KNOW. She tries to get it to come home with her, but it immediately puts in a request to be taken to the Dog Meat Festival instead. Eileen spends the rest of the time demanding that the dog apologize to her.
That wasn’t a real apology. Try again. Again. Again. Again.
Back in LA. Erika and Eileen meet for lunch. Erika plans on apologizing to Eileen for freaking out on her, and Eileen plans on waiting for Erika to apologize for freaking out on her. Sounds fun!
Erika’s supposed to shoot her Y&R walk on in a couple of days, but hasn’t received a script yet. Eileen’s all “Yeah…we usually have a script by now. Crazy, right? I’m SURE you’re still gonna shoot the role, though…”
Erika doesn’t take the hint and apologize. Kyle joins them and spreads some air kisses around. “So, Lisa Rinna!” Jesus, Kyle, at least wait for a drink menu. Kyle spits out a couple of her buzz words “Low blows!” “Not Cool!” “Do we order bread here or do they just bring it?” Erika stops her.
“I was glad she said it! And I OWN that.”
Kyle shuts up. She forgot what crew she was with for a second. She nods silently. “Do you feel better? Cuz it looks like you feel better.” Well she’s not terrifying sales clerks or performing Whor-Evita on the bow of a boat, so I guess?
Erika takes pause. “I don’t believe Dorit was sincere.” Oh Jesus. You and Eileen are meant for each other. Erika says that Dorit can say she’s sorry all she wants but she and PK don’t get that they insinuated Erika was trying to seduce PK.
Cut to Dorit giving Erika the panty “gift” and laughing “I mean, it’s note loike I thoughtah you wah tryin’ tah sadoose mah hoseband!” Erika probably just didn’t understand what the fuck the woman was saying. It happens to the best of us.
Erika says that Dorit has to prove worthy of deserving a friendship with her. Oh, honey. You thought Dorit was bad when she didn’t have any true reason to hate you? Loose lipped drama queens like Dorit only get worse when they feel cornered. You opened up a can of worms, there. She’ll be accusing you of boning your pay for gays next. Good luck!
She says she wants to change the subject and nonchalantly apologizes to Eileen for freaking out. “It had nothing to do with you. I think it was that you wore those Madonna gloves.” Eileen totally gets it and forgives immediately.
Eileen loves Erika, and most of all, Erika handled Eileen just right. She scared the shit out of her. Vanderpump always tries to pout and whine “daaaaaaahling” and act all hurt. She really just needs to smack the bitch and tell her to shut the fuck up.
Eileen tells us that there are no hard feelings because “We’re a lot alike”. Great. Now we’ve got you both running in the “I Deserve a Better Apology Olympics”.
Dorit and PK are chilling at their rental, pretending they have the money required to keep Dorit employed on this show.
There’s so a price tag on the back of that watch.
PK makes Dorit a Vodka Redbull because they can’t snort coke when the cameras are around any more. “Happy woife happy loife!” Dorit’s a moron, but she’s a funny moron and I’m glad she’s on my TV. PK is another story. The man’s voice jiggles when he talks, and as he flashes his stupid gold watch I find that for the first time, I’m actually rooting for Capital One to send someone over and repossess that shit for non payment.
“Tell me about BOY GEORGE! Whayn is hess touah?!” Yes, Dorit. We know you know fucking Boy George. Now go find whatever rentboy he has chained to his garage bedroom radiator before you have a murder investigation on your hands.
They won’t be going to Switzerland for the tour, because Hong Kong was soooo hahad on Dorit and they’re out of Southwest miles. PK starts. “I was soooo affected by what you were tellin me in Hong Kongah, babe!”
She says the stuff with Rinna was “roughuh, rewdeh, and Ah deed’ntah expactah eet!”
PK, excited with lady drama back in his life, says “Ya didn’t expect it cuz ya didn’t deserve it!” Uh, yeah. Yeah she did. Rinna was fucking looney toons off the rails crazy pants on that trip, yes. But let’s not pretend that Dorit didn’t go around trying to get everyone to say Rinna might have a drug problem herself. Yes, she only tried to force others to say it instead of doing it on her own, but this is Housewives and that counts.
“Ah thought thengs wah good with Leesa Reena! She skers mah! One day she’s nohmahl and the naxt she’s nots!” PK replies “Yes. There’s a word for that. Schizophrenic. And schizophrenic people ah DANGEROUS.”
And there you have it. Rinna retaliated, so now she’s schizo and a danger to society. Check. Now onto Erika. “I thoughtah, Eeerkooah! Ya’ve been an oice queen ole summah and nah she went into a whole drahmatack hoohaw!” You can’t even get out one line about Erika without discussing her hoohaw. To be fair, Erika can’t either.
She goes into the whole “you have to make your husband apologize to my husband!” thing, and the sound of her own fake accents clashing with her terrible imitation of Erika is a perfect example of why the Tower of Babel had to be destroyed in the Bible.
PK retorts that Erika should call her own damn husband because he’s never there. “Hello Tom! It’s been six months!” Ooooh, burn. It’s called being employed, PK.
At least her husband can afford the watch he’s wearing. Dorit is the kinda trash you don’t have to worry about picking up, because the sea that is the IRS will be coming any minute to wash it away.
Dorit says that she’s scared to go face a mental patient at Vanderpump’s party, but if Rinna thinks she can sit there and laugh and bobble her head and pretend nothing happened, “She’s WRONG. It’s NOT OK!”
Dun dun duuuuuuuuuhn.
Kyle is on the set of her TV Land show, and Eileen and Erika are on the Y&R set. Kyle mostly just walks around and talks to different producers about how BUSY she is while simultaneously asking what scene is being shot right in front of her.
Jinny, one of the producers stuck pretending she gives a fart, tells Kyle “You’re killing the game!” HAHAH!! I love when Vanderpump Rules pops up in real life. Kyle nods and agrees. I would talk more about this, but I’m as bored with Kyle as the world will be with her show. FF.
Erika shoots her scene for Young and the Restless. Eileen made it as close to real life as possible so Erika can leave feeling like a good actor, as if staying married to The Monopoly Man this long isn’t proof enough.
Erika is playing a real estate agent who bumps into Eileen and gets coffee all over her jacket. She starts yelling “FUCK YOU EILEEN! FUCK YOOOOOU! BLUE LIVES MATTER AND NONE OF YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT AT NIGHT!” Cut! They’re gonna have to bring in a bleeper to make this airable, but Eileen looks depressed as hell so I’d call it a good day’s work.
Over at Villa Rosa, we learn that Hanky hasn’t killed the other swans at all. The black swans are sniggering to each other as Hanky deals with his still itchy ass.
They so put a tick on his seat. SUCKA!
Vanderpump is getting ready for her Save the Bitches or Put Them Down? finale party, and she’s with YokoHomo. No matter how much work this queen gets, he refuses to buy a new wig.
Lisa “shesheshe!”s around him, worrying whether or not she’s got enough pink on the table. He’d rather talk about how ungrateful Ringo is, of course, but she ignores him and gives him something better to talk about. “That trip was insane.”
Giddy, he goes “Honk Konk! Oh ReenaReenaReena!” Girl, Yoko can never stop with the fucking performance art. It’s why she’s never invited to stay for dinner.
Lisa tells us that when Rinna first confronted Kim Twitchards about getting help, it was coming from a good place. Cut to memory of Twitch. “BLAHBLAHBLAH ammI right?” LOL.
Then, though, Rinna came after Vanderpump and tried to make it look like she was instructing Rinna to ruin Kyle’s reputation, and now she’s trying to make cokehead Dorit look like a cokehead. If you stop people from doing coke at parties, who’s gonna share their coke with you at parties? There are certain traditions you don’t mess with in this town.
She’s going to “point out” to Rinna that “Things she says are unacceptable.” Oh Lord. Get ready to be called out on your calcium supplement addiction.
Vanderpump has a hot horse caretaker named Tim. Like, really really hot. Wow. He’s down with the midget donkeys deciding with the groomer how many pink braids each of them should get for the party. Good lord. How bout you teach them not to shit huge piles everywhere and worry about braids later? Baby steps.
Lisa tells Yoko he’s straight so he should leave him alone. Yoko giggles “Straight to bed! I love dese straight guys!” She introduces Hot Straight to Yoko and says “Yoko, do you have anything to ask?” LOL Spider Woman. Yoko snaps to it and asks if Tim’s straight. Tim just laughs as Lisa acts mortified. “Yoko acted like a horse’s ass! Of course, Tim works with horse’s ass all day!” Well, we didn’t get an “I’m fucking my animals” joke, but we did get a “Tim’s fucking my animals” joke, so I call this scene a success.
The ladies are all getting ready for the big party. Erika walks into her dressing room to applause from her leathery pay for gays. “GIRL!” “YASS!” “PINK!” “STUNNING!” “EVERYTHAAAANG!” They got the dress code invite: pink, sparkly, and “Wedge Heels.” They boo the wedges. “Who wears wedges after DARK?” Mikey gasps. What grown man wears five full faces of makeup in the day? Don’t start asking questions, Mikey. “That’s not very 90210!” What do you know? You’re in 91103.
Erika growls “9021 NO!” and they all giggle like they’ve never heard it before. Man. I need to come up with money to pay my gays. They’re much nicer with change in their bellies.
Hair Gay has come up with a brilliant idea. A pink wig! He made it himself in a bath of rosé tinted bathwater. That’s a really expensive way of saying “I dyed a five dollar wig.”
Kyle forgot that there was a dress code and had to grab something off one of a Forever Not Twenty One Anymore By Alene Kinda mannequin. I find it hard to believe that there are Kyle shaped mannequins in the world. Poor things were probably living creatures before being strangled by Goal Size Bras TM.
She grabbed a lace pantsuit, which is too long. She cut the legs herself, but they’re still uneven. Mauri nasally jokes that it’s her body that’s uneven, and he’s lucky he’s making enough money to not be stabbed with the dull ass scissors Kyle is wielding.
Erika shows up to her house so they can go together, and Kyle says “OMG, My Little Pony just arrived.” LOL. Erika looks like the girl who played Frenchy in the El Paso High production of Grease when I was a kid, down to the skin tight black dress with plastic diamonds glued to it. To think that girl did what took three highly paid leather faced queens to do all these years later is astounding. Well done, Elodia Martinez!
Dorit is gold leafing her hair, which is hilarious. She’s like the evil blonde in Game of Thrones that was killed by having melted gold poured on his head.
She asks Jagger if he likes her hair and he says his first non squeak word ever. “No.” Well done! She gets in the car with PK and it looks like he’s leaving a bimbo buffet with leftovers. She would have made it in the shape of a swan, but Hanky could kill her.
Rinna is getting done up by her own gay. Well, I assume. He kinda looks like a homeless dude fishing off a freeway overpass. Cheap ass Rinna.
Not GiGi is there texting randos and snarking at her mom. “You look ‘MILFy today.” Rinna laughs and laughs and laughs and asks her “What’s it like having me as a mom?” No beat. “Crazy.”
Rinna laughs too hard and says “Thanks a lot!”
Not GiGi remembers all the Hilfiger/Crawford strings Rinna’s pulled for her and amends her remark. “I mean, you’re fun when you’re like on a sugar high in the backyard dancing around.” Rinna stops her. “Come on! They’re already saying I’m a drug addict! Like Xanax is addictive!” Then she jumps on the kid and tickles her. It’s cute, and I’m glad Dorit can’t see this footage before the party cuz we all know what her accusation would be.
She rides to Villa Rosa with Eileen and her niece, and Eileen is giving her the “OMG YOU’RE ALREADY EMBARRASSING ME” look the whole time. Rinna has shown up already in a tear, ready to rumble. This is the finale party, after all.
“I’m an easy target! It’s easy to say ‘LISA RINNA IS AWFOOOOOOOOL!” Especially when you’re being awfool. Eileen smiles tightly and tells us that she hopes Rinna watches her mouth tonight. Cut back to Rinna giggling like a crazy person and saying “AWFOOOOOOL” over and over. LOL. I can’t not love her crazy ass. Hide the glassware.
They arrive at the decked out Villa Rosa and Rinna is a Yelp Machine Gun. “Woah! Beautiful! Stunning! Amazing! Pink! Diamonds! Rose! My favorite wine! Swans! Statue that looks like Ken! Bridge! Gravel! WOAH TWENTY SEVEN STARS BABY!”
Inside, Vanderpump is saying hello to Dorit and PK. Dorit is nervous and twitchy. “You were eyaht tha deenah in Mexicah! Did I say ‘Reena yah a droge addictah!?’” Vanderpump calmly says “You’ve never intimated that to me.” Cut to Lisa’s disapproving grimace when Dorit brought up Rinna’s pill bag for the tenth time, trying to get someone, anyone to latch onto the news.
Lies. In this case, though, Dorit can act as a human shield so Vanderpump will play along. Worth it. She says “I think Rinna was maybe being paranoid.” PK, all jiggly jowled, says that it’s probably because Rinna’s on drugs. You know that using “YOU ARE” as an argument doesn’t make you look like less of a cokehead right? Especially when you’re sweating and red faced.
Vanderpump walks the hell away from them. She’ll cheer from the sidelines, but only an idiot would stand in this couple’s way tonight.
Dorit is ready to fight. She reminds us why. “The accusations! The meeduhl feengahs! The craziness!” OK I get that you’re nervous, but you’re basically reciting Rinna’s resume right now.
Dorit’s face scrunches up and twitches a bit, as if hearing a storm coming. In the distance we hear “Hi! Hi! Hi! Hello caterer person! Hello swan! Hello gravel! Hello donkey! Hello bridge! Hello indoor couches outside! Hello Yoko Ono! GORGEOUS! AMAZING! BREATHTAKING! STUNNING!……”