Hello Trashies!!! MisRed hopes everyone is well and is having a great week.
Off the bat, MisRed stands corrected with regard to Erika and her “Single Mom” days. MisRed was informed- as she, apparently, MISSED it, that Erika didn’t exactly raise her son, at least not full-time. Erika’s son lived with her ex-husband after they divorced, and she moved to LA, when the child was three years old. So, kudos to Ellen in KC, the super sleuth, for the info and the correction, and shame on MisRed for not doing a thorough investigation.
The truth is… MisRed doesn’t care. LOL. THERE! She has finally said it!!
Last week, Ken killed Pink Dog, and Pikachu is on a ventilator. Moment of silence for Pink Dog. Ok, Ken didn’t really kill Pink Dog. MisRed did a very secret, yet thorough, investigation into the situation, and she will now reveal the KILLER:
IT WAS HANKY!!!
Police found a kill kit stashed under his left wing. Shocking. SHOCKING. MisRed apologizes for falsely accusing Giggy of this heinous crime. Frankly, if Giggy moved enough to kill someone it would probably have killed him.
Teddi apologized to Dorit, which, of course, went unaccepted. Erika apologized to Teddi. Rinna’s Mom came to visit and Rinna forced everyone to take one of her QVC dusters. Erika is going to be an avatar in Kim Kardashian’s video game. Erika invited the girls to go to Berlin and to give everyone’s husbands BJs. Well except PK because he’s gross.
Pretend packing is so productive!
On with the hijinks!! Kyle pretends to pack her house to move. The reason MisRed knows she is pretending is, she has no clue how to close a box properly.
Really? Pimping out the kid too?
Portia appears in a The Agency t-shirt and Kyle is unsatisfied with her packing progress- how long could it possibly take to pack up all of The Agency / American Woman Swag.
MisRed’s graphics skills really are second to none
Kyle is sad to leave her house, there are so many memories there. True. Fat Burger. White Parties. Brandi having sex in the bathroom with a guy she just met at a White Party, Dorit calling Camille a “stupid C*NT.” Ahhhh, the memories. Anyone else feel bad for Kyle? No? MisRed doesn’t either.
Ken brings LVP a glass of wine- and she tells him that she wanted the BOTTLE of wine with a straw. LVP- you’ve been hanging with MisRed too long- but High 5 to that, Guuuuurl!!! LVP is worried about Lollipop, age 13 (light beige mop).
Be afraid, Lollipop, be very afraid
Pink Dog died suddenly and then, we learn, Pikachu has ALSO closed up shop.
Pikachu, officially out of business
Ken and LVP are overwhelmed with sadness. Hmmm, Hanky told MisRed that Snooks was next, not Lollipop. But, at this point, Hanky is a serial killer, and can one REALLY take a serial killer at their word? Probably not.
He’s right behind us, isn’t he?
In all seriousness- It sucks to lose a pet and to have it happen twice in the same week- that’s terrible and if MisRed could feel things she would feel awful for LVP and Ken. Just do MisRed a favor…someone keep an eye on Gigi! Ken hasn’t had that little muskrat cloned yet.
LVP and Ken’s documentary- The Road to Yulin and Beyond- is premiering at the LA Awareness Film Festival. Take THAT Eileen Davidson! Burbank Film festival was the best SHE could do! Probably because she had that AFFAIR.
Although it’s an accomplishment, the film is upsetting and LVP worries it’s more than she can handle at the moment.
Over at Erika’s house… can we just look at Erika’s for a moment? What, exactly, would one call this decorating style? A study in Shades of Vomit? Paneling-palooza? I mean, seriously, who decorated this house? Stevie Wonder?
A few questionable choices. And by “questionable” MisRed means hideous.
Erika HAS plenty of gays- there is, simply NO EXCUSE for this. Can Jeff Lewis not toss her a bone? The worst part is, this stuff probably cost a BUNDLE.
Laia, Erika’s assistant, has prepared trays of food, that nobody will eat. Rinna shows up and we see her pretend to eat a cookie. Dorit is joining them, but she is late. Well, yeah, call the press- breaking news.
Rinna and Erika do a little re-hash of psychic night at Kyle’s and how the psychic told Erika she had some psychic abilities.
Can someone explain the H? Hoax?
Rinna tells Erika that she used to see Cindy Crawford’s psychic. Bahahaha. MisRed can’t believe she just typed that sentence. Ok, so Rinna used to see Cindy Crawford’s psychic….and the psychic saw an opportunity for Rinna- business-wise and told her to meet with two specific people. At the time Rinna had a clothing store that was tanking and the people that the psychic told her to meet with advised her to do a line of clothing for QVC. The rest, as they say, is history. Now Rinna is a polyester Duster Mogul.
Dorit forgot her pants again.
Dorit shows up. WTF is she wearing? Thigh high boots and a button-down shirt.
Dorit says “Well better late then never” or something of the ilk. But really, Dorit? Get your sh*t together.
Erika has invited them over to show them a giant cardboard cutout of her Erika Jayne avatar.
Look! I’m cardboard!
Dorit interviews that she doesn’t think SHE will ever have an avatar- although she would like to have one. You never know Dorit, someone could create a “Real Broke-down Pretentious Douchewads of Beverly Hills” game and surely you and PK would be a shoe-in. Keep hope alive.
Dorit asks how Erika Jayne was born? Erika explains “I was in a place where I had shopped out Rodeo Drive” and she decided she needed to be creative again. She met with one of the biggest music managers in the world and he told her “Erika, pivot.”
Rinna is like “PIVOT?? REALLY?!?!?”
PIVOT?!!? You are KIDDING me!!!
Ok Rinna, MisRed knows you’ve turned over a new leaf with these hags, but settle down, will you? Erika explains that she is of the mindset to say YES to everything. And Rinna is like- ME TOO!!! We know Rinna, we know- we saw the Depends commercial.
Sometimes I piss myself. But I OWN IT, baby!!
Dorit yammers something about her heart and soul and swimwear…. MisRed blocks her out.
At Teddi’s she is feeling hesitant about going to Berlin because she doesn’t want to leave Edwin and “the kiddos.” For the record, MisRed HATES the word “kiddos.” And “chillax.” Carry on.
Yeah, they won’t make it to any of this stuff, know that.
Teddi reviews the kid’s calendar with Edwin, who does not to give one single f*ck, he’s a man, the kids will be lucky if they have shoes on when they go to school. Of course, the kids are booked to death with lessons and activities. Edwin asks Teddi if she is REALLY nervous about leaving the kids or if it’s a problem with one of the girls? Teddi admits that Erika has repeatedly snapped at her and Dorit is, well, Dorit. She hopes that, in Berlin, her past issues with Erika and Dorit will remain in the past.
It’s good to hope for things Teddi-Bear.
LVP preps for the movie premiere and she is nervous. Dorit calls and says she is sorry to hear about Pikachu. LVP is like- I don’t really want to talk about it right now. Dorit continues…LVP is like- Dorit, I don’t want to talk about this right now. And Dorit CONTINUES. OMG, LVP JUST HANG UP!!!
Gois, sorry I’m late, I got tangled in my fanny pack.
Over at the sweatshop Dorit is using to make her triangles, Dorit arrives for a meeting, late of course. But she has on another fanny pack, so yeah, lucky us. Dorit is having a fashion show for her bathing suits. Greaaaat. We see Dorit manhandle the model’s boobs, and butt.
Poor model gets Weinstein’d by Dorit
The fashion show is 3 weeks away, and Dorit breaks the news that she is going to Berlin. But she promises to work 24/7 to put the finishing touches on the line.
Yes, drawing straps certainly is burning the midnight oil.
You KNOW Dorit isn’t going to do one goddamn thing for this fashion show.
I’m right on top of that, Rose.
SOOZIE is going to do it all, know that. MisRed has gone full Alison Dubois on your asses. And you KNOW that Dorit is just a spanner in the works. These people probably paid Erika to get Dorit out of the country so they could get some actual work done.
We head to the LA Awareness Film Festival for LVP’s doc premiere. Everyone arrives. Erika says that LVP has really poured her blood, sweat and tears- wait, does LVP have blood?- into this project so it’s “IMPOR-DANT” that the girls support her. There are very nice 8-1/2×11 copier paper signs on certain seats denoting them as “RESERVED,” this is where the “ladies” will sit.
Dorit and PK are late. Dorit is posing for pictures. The paps are afraid PK will break the camera.
That’s right PK, nobody wants your picture.
The film is introduced and starts and it’s really, really horrible.
Everyone is crying- rightfully.
Except Dorit, who, mindlessly, crams popcorn into her piehole.
At the after party- the girls gather, and LVP thanks everyone for coming. Teddi apologizes again to Dorit and they seem to genuinely make-up.
I’m sorry. In person. Hold the waffle.
We learn that Erika’s business meeting- you know, the one we never believed was actually happening, that was to take place in Berlin has been moved to LA, but they are still going to go to Berlin and have fun. Yeah, well, we will see about that. Erika tells Teddi that there is a horseback riding opportunity in Berlin- of course Teddi is excited for that. Erika says that Teddi will need to pick out “the old nag” for Erika to ride.
Uh… doesn’t Erika ride an old nag at home? She had no trouble picking that one out.
LVP interviews “Erika wants an old nag to ride? Hmmm, clearly, she has a type.” LOL. That’s right LVP, we Queens of Diamonds think alike.
We are going to need Crisco, Cornstarch and a teaspoon of vanilla extract
Packing montage… Erika is packing her best latex for the trip. Dorit is sick.
Look! Pink Dog will always be with me…
LVP had Rocio make Pink Dog into cuffs for her new black coat. LVP has never been to Berlin, but she heard WWII stories from her Grandmother- Nanny Kay.
Nanny Kay used to tell LVP bedtime stories about nights in the air raid shelter, and her house being bombed in the war. Heartwarming.
The girls all interview that they don’t really know a lot of German. Rinna speaks jibberish in “German” which sounds more like the Swedish Chef. If you want to imitate German, just end every word like you are clearing your throat.
Four days. 4.
The girls arrive in Berlin. It’s a four day trip and each lady has four suitcases, except Erika who has 3 HUGE TRUNKS, which she is quite adept at maneuvering.
Teddi brought a carry-on.
Dorit was violently ill on the plane, throwing up. Did someone show her a picture of PK? Thankfully, Rinna, the drug mule, had an anti-nausea pill in that little Ziploc bad of hers, and she was kind enough to give it to Dorit, even though Dorit had previously called Rinna a “drug addict” for same Ziploc bag.
Ha Ha Ha, I’ll gave you something that will kill you, Ha Ha Ha
MisRed isn’t sure she would have been that kind. And know that MisRed also is a drug mule- but I keep mine in a pill bottle- which she refers to as “The Rattler.”
They arrive at the Waldorf Astoria and Erika has booked the Presidential Suite for herself, which includes a Panic Room.
Not at all extra for one person.
Lock Dorit in there.
A doctor arrives to treat Dorit. and we learn that Dorit has taken a Zithromax and a Tamiflu. The German doctor is NOT amused.
You stupid, stupid American.
But Germans rarely are so… whatever. He scolds her for taking both meds and tells her that’s what made her throw up. But it didn’t kill her so, who cares?
LVP calls Dorit and she is too sick to go out with the girls. Ok, good, so there is hope for the evening after all.
The girls arrive the bar and order drinks. They await Erika’s arrival. Erika is upstairs and reviewing “moment choices” with Mikey, when she decides to have a dinner party in her suite the next evening and calls the concierge to arrange it.
While awaiting Erika’s arrival, the ladies chit chat- Rinna asks if they are going on a boat- she hopes not. Rinna says to LVP “Remember in Amsterdam when you got slapped? I’ve never even wanted to slap you.” LVP is like- yeah, well I’ve wanted to slap you! But then LVP says that Rinna has changed- she doesn’t “engage” as much anymore. Rinna doesn’t really know what that means in VanderSpeak. But Rinna says that maybe she is less engaged because she doesn’t have people coming at her with crazy sh*t. And LVP says she feels Rinna is “less invested” in the group. Rinna interviews that she is just not engaging in the stupid bullsh*t anymore. Well Rinna, that’s how one stays on these shows. You need to throw a glass, get divorced, go to jail, call someone a “slut pig” or a “schizophrenic.” That’s what makes Daddy Andy realllll happy.
LVP says that she doesn’t want to lose the OLD Rinna. They would like a hybrid of the Old Rinna / New Rinna. Sh*t just get Maloof’s ex to sew the two together- Voila! FrankenRinna. Rinna explains that she is trying to be a role model to her kids and wants to show them that you don’t have to constantly do battle. Ugh, MisRed hates it when people, like, evolve.
So…what can we fight about on this trip?
Erika arrives. Somehow the topic comes up of whether or not people sleep naked or not. LVP explains that she slept naked until 1994 when the earthquake struck. Her bed was shaking, and she thought it was Ken trying to bone her. She now sleeps in a suit of armor. But she notes, at the time of the earthquake “Nanny Kay” was staying with her.
Kyle says “Who is Nanny Kay?” DUNT- DUNT-DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.
LVP is like HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW WHO NANNY KAY IS? Kyle claims that she just forgot or didn’t know her as Nanny Kay. LVP isn’t accepting it. Erika says- oh isn’t that when you lost the restaurant that was in the mall? Kyle is like- What restaurant? LVP compliments Erika on her good memory. Kyle jab #1. Erika says – It was in the Sherman Oaks Mall. LVP says “There’s someone who is paying attention.” Kyle jab #2.
Kyle interviews that she doesn’t think she has heard LVP refer to her grandmother as “Nanny Kay.” But then we get a flashback to the séance where Nanny Kay’s name is spoken multiple times directly to Kyle or in Kyle’s presence, not only by LVP but by Erika as well.
That’s right, this bitch listens.
Kyle is like- I had a brain fart. But LVP still hounds her a little bit about it and interviews that Kyle claims to be LVP’s best friend, yet she doesn’t know who Nanny Kay is?
Really? This is the big DRAMA? OMG. Can we get back to strap-ons and insecurity?
Dorit channels Classic Marge
Next time: the girls tour Berlin and drink beer, ride horses and Dorit tells Kyle she was REALLY hurt by what Kyle did to her in New York.
Let’s beat this dead horse. Hanky probably killed that horse too.
Once again, Dorit is the victim. Oh good. More Dorit bullsh*t, we were short-changed this episode.
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