Howdy Trashmii! Word on the street is, Sandy and Ariana are having “better” sex now (whew), so we can leave all that vagina business behind us as we take off for the first installment of the VPR season 6 Mexico extravaganza — ¡Ándale!
We open at SUR, where Sandy’s getting creative behind the bar. He tells Lisa he’s working on some cocktails for TomTom. She says, “Surprise me, give me something I’ve never tasted before.” Tom says, “I think I can do that.”
Lisa replies, “Well, if you can’t, I don’t know who can.”
As Sandy soaks in the compliment, Lisa says Nick Alain will be coming to TomTom tomorrow to talk about design, and she wants the Toms to stay in their lane, and make sure they’re copacetic tomorrow, both in an American and an English accent.
Meanwhile, Stassi and Lala hit the Phoenix to plan Lala’s musical event. Lalz introduces Stassi to her “man behind the music” Sean 2, and her music producer BLK ELVIZ, who does a couple of pelvic thrusts and gets a hug from Stassi. Lala says she’s taking care of the music part, and leaving the fancy sh*t up to Stassi. They decide to have the performance outdoors, and Stassi suggests florals in deep purple and blood red, “Just kind of like, sexy, dark, mildly haunted house-ish.” Lalz loves that they’re on the same page.
Stassi says the music she listens to are show tunes, reggaeton and the Game of Thrones soundtrack, so she’s not exactly a music critic. She and Lalz eat a giant pretzel and talk about Girls’ Night. Stassi says she’s been trying very hard to communicate with Ariana, but it’s very much her way or the highway.
She says, “Women get shamed for calling people out, and then we take it back. I will never apologize.” Lalz says, “Well, because you’re a gangster bitch,” says Lalz. “You get the job done, and that’s what that means.”
“I am a gangster bitch,” says Stassi.
“Lala says so,” says Lala.
Over at Jax and Brit’s, Jax asks Brit to make herself scarce because Kelsey’s coming over. He tells her this is the highlight of his week. She gives him the eyeball, then he says he’s going to ask her nicely, and these are the little things that will make their relationship better.
KFC interviews that she’s seen a picture of Kelsey and thinks she’s a very pretty girl, and the fact that she has no idea what goes on in these sessions causes her to feel a little jealous. She tells him to have fun, grow or whatever and see ya later. Jax ignores her. The minute the door closes, he makes like a fairy godmother and scurries around lighting incense, dusting and sweeping out the cobwebs, and sets out croissants on the table.
Kelsey comes in and squeals, “Oh, you got croissants?!” How does she know they’re for her? He must do this sh*t every session. “First let’s do a little Reiki,” she says. She rubs her hands together and waves them in front of Jax’s nose, then holds his head. “We’re just centering right now, Jason,” she says. Jax says one of Kelsey’s strengths is that she just breaks him down and rebuilds him, and every time he sees her, he has the best day of his life. Yes, that’s right — the best day of his entire life. He suggests we call her The Jax Whisperer.
He tells The Jax Whisperer he’s preparing for this big trip to Mexico, going to the gym, dieting, and such. Kelsey asks if he wants to go. He says it’s causing him so much anxiety, so Kelsey asks, “Why are you going?” — but they both know the answer.
Jax interviews that KFC’s planning this amazing birthday trip where they’ll be flying into Cancun then driving to Playa del Carmen. Jax says he’d love to have a wonderful relaxing trip, but that’s not how it goes with this crew. Then he tells Kelsey he got a phone call that morning from a friend in Florida with a job offer.
“That’s amazing!” says Kelsey.
Jax says it’s a job in client relations, social media and marketing for a hockey team. It’s always been a dream of his to work in hockey, ever since he was a kid. Plus, he gets to be close to his family.
Kelsey says, “You are ready to be, like, released, almost.” She says there’s a lot of mental and emotional stress, and Jax says, “Yeah.” So Kelsey has brought him a black tourmaline stone, to dissolve negative energy. Jax jokes that he could put those rocks all over the house, and Kelsey laughs heartily at his amazing joke. She tells him to call or text if he needs anything, and they share a long, lingering hug. Also, she takes a pass on the croissants, just cuz.
KFC comes back and asks how it went. Jax says, “It went really well, as always. Kelsey is an absolutely amazing person.” She asks if there were any breakthroughs. Jax says it’s not about breakthroughs, it’s about helping him cope with his issues. Then he says, “I always have the best days after I see her, she’s…” he shakes his head at the wonder that is Kelsey. KFC wants to know what she’s doing that helps him so much.
He says, “She just has a different outlook on life, she doesn’t attack. She knows how to get through to me. There’s a way, you need to have patience.” KFC asks if he’s trying to tell her she doesn’t have any, and he says, “Stop, just listen — Kelsey calls me Jason.”
“That’s the person that I’m trying to find again,” he says.
KFC asks, “Why don’t you ever want me to call you Jason?” He says Kelsey’s helping him find this person that he was before this other person, Jax, took over his body and did a bunch of shitty things that he got blamed for.
Then he tells her about the job offer. He says it’s a dream job, and there’s nothing for him here, there’s nothing holding him back. He says, “I’ve been living this Peter Pan lifestyle for so long.” She replies, “I’m ready for you to grow up, too, so…”
Jax says, “There you go! Why can’t you just say okay?” She says she can speak her mind, and he knows he needs to grow up. Jax says Kelsey told him that he needs to take care of himself, because he never makes time for himself, and he never does what he wants to do. Such as Kelsey.
Meanwhile, Schænə sets out some Chick-fil-A and settles down with Rob for a nice romantic dinner on the couch. After pointing out that she didn’t cook, Rob asks how Girls’ Night went. Schænə says Brittany told her that if she and Jax were still broken up, she’d be making out with Adam. Only in actual, non-delusional fact, when KFC found out about Faith, Jax got the humping of his life.
Schænə says KFC needs to get her mojo back, because Jax took a lot of that from her. Rob says, “I get it, but that’s Brittany’s choice.” Schænə says she thinks KFC’s forgetting she has a choice. In fact, that’s why Schæ-shoe stayed as long as she stayed with Shay (a whole two years), because it was easier to stay than to get a divorce.
“Speaking about,” says Rob, “let’s talk about finding the right logo.” He whips out some papers, while Schænə makes like an e-mogul and ties her hair up in a bun.
Schænə says Rob’s work ethic is so attractive. She loves how he’s setting things up so the rest of their lives can be easy, till death do them part. She asks, “What is my role in this exactly? Like, are we gonna be like equal partners on this, or am I gonna have, like, equity?” Rob says, “So the way I envision this perfectly is like, you are sort of like the face of it, but I have majority equity in the company.”
Business in the front, witch on top
All of a sudden, Schænə gets lost in Rob’s beautiful blue eyes and says it’s ironic, but the day she flies to Mexico is the day her divorce is final. “So the next time we’re gonna be married, it’s gonna be to you,” she says.
Rob says, “Wow.”
Meanwhile, Lisa is taking Prince Tardon for a ride. She has invited KFC, who’s too nervous to ride, so she and her horse just walk alongside as Prince Tardon takes tiny baby steps and stops and starts to stay abreast of KFC’s giant breasts, it’s really quite awkward, dahling.
KFC tells her about the awesome birthday trip she’s planned to Mexico. Lisa asks why KFC feels the need to celebrate Jax and make sure everything’s better right now when he’s treated her like crap? Why not make him suffer a bit? Brit says when they’re on vacay, they have a lot of fun and he seems like a different person. Then she brings up the Rakey.
”What’s Reiki therapy got to do with Jax being a little tart?” asks Lisa. KFC explains that he really likes the therapist, who is a woman, and it’s really helping him calm down. Lisa asks about conventional therapy, and KFC says he went just for that one episode where he claimed he was getting a ton of help.
Lisa tells Brit she really has to look out for herself in this situation. She interviews that she really doesn’t get why KFC continues to put up with all Jax’s BS, and it’s quite possibly something she will never understand. It’s called a famewhore, Lisa, look into it.
Lisa tells Brit she’s known Jax for a long time, and doesn’t see him changing any time soon. KFC sighs, “I know.”
“And that’s what you signed up for,” says Lisa.
Time for some TomTom. The Toms show up, this time with Schwa in shoes. Nick Alain arrives and bamboozles Lisa with some cool drawings to the point where she interviews that she’s been married 35 years, dahling, so she can say she finds it all very attractive. Then Sandy whips up a cocktail which features scorpion chili-infused honey.
Sandy’s very excited about scorpion chili, because it was in the Guinness Book of World Records as the hottest pepper for three years. Lisa gushes, “Good job, I love it!” while that guy smirks at Nick Alain. “See? I knew there was a reason why you’re here!”
Now we get a bunch of packing scenes. First it’s Stassi and Kristen. Stassi says Kristen is the last person she wants to be rooming with, because she’s an emotional terrorist. She doesn’t let Stassi sleep, and she denies her of her basic human rights.
Meanwhile, over at Schænə’s closet, in comes an orange Lala, calling out “She-shoo! I’m ready for Mexico.” Schæ-shoe says she didn’t know they were going to do The Oompa Loompa.
Over at Jax and Brit’s, Jax models a comical island short ensemble, and dares KFC to have a problem with it. Meanwhile, Sandy wants to play “matchies”, but Ariana’s all “matchied” out.
Then it’s on the plane, and the gang drives to their sexy hotel. They check in, and Kristen and Stassi fight over beds. Jax loves his f*cking awesome room, especially the private pool. Tom and Katie splurge on the $10 peanuts, then savor the moment that they made it to this easy place in their relationship. After a few Tequila Katie flashbacks, Tom brings up the next 60 years, kids and a mortgage, but Katie gently shuts down those un-sexy thoughts.
Jax and Brit get in the pool, and Jax calls down to Peter and James. James says get down here, but Jax says he’s not going to leave his suite to go where the peasants stay. James says, “It’s the first time Jax has invited me to his birthday, and I feel over the moon about it. In fact, it just feels so fucking good!”
James calls up, “Can we see it, though?” Jax calls back, “After Brittany puts her huge boobs away.” He tells a beaming KFC, “I’m in good spirits, and you know why? It’s because of Kelsey.”
Meanwhile, Stassi tries to set some ground rules with Kristen for human needs, such as lights out at 2:00 a.m. “Even if I sleep like this?” asks Kristen, straddling the space between their beds. Stassi says, “Please don’t deny me of my basic human rights. I don’t want to be told I’m really selfish for wanting to sleep on Jax’s birthday trip.”
Kristen replies, “It’s my vacation too, okay, bitch?” Stassi reminds Kristen that the last time they were in Mexico, she was suicidal over Sandy, and wanted to jump off the balcony. We are treated to some weepy drunken flashbacks, then Stassi makes Kristen promise to stay away from the balcony.
“Oh my god, it’s the penis tequila!” says Kristen. “We have to open it. Do you wanna do shots?”
Over in Tom and Ariana’s room, Tom says, “Well, your boyfriend’s an expert ironer, so…” Ariana laughs bitterly, “Lucky me!”
Sandy interviews that getting ready in Mexico is different than L.A.; he can’t wear light blues or grays due to sweating. He must exfoliate his forehead to let the skin breathe, causing Ariana to call him “so weird”. Also, he needs a little less pomade and a little more hairspray. As he twirls his flat iron a la Annie Oakley, Ariana mumbles, “Yeah, you don’t normally do that at home.”
“Whatever,” says Tom. He interviews, “It’s different, but hey, I’m ready. I’m a manscaping chameleon.” He tells Ariana, “When it comes to flat irons, I always go digital.”
Meanwhile, KFC is getting ready in the bathroom when Jax tells her he’s going to talk to the Toms about his job opportunity that he’s gonna probably 95% take. KFC says, “Okay, well, you haven’t really talked about this with me. The last time we talked about this, it was just kinda sprung on me.”
Jax asks, “What do you want to stay for? You can’t say friends, because we’re not children anymore.” KFC says she does love her friends. Jax says, “This is a dream job I’ve wanted since I was a kid.” Brit says then she guesses she’s not the dream girl. She says her issue is that he already decided without talking to her. Jax says, “This is, I AM talking to you right now!”
She says he already made up his mind without even asking her, to which he replies, “You’re going to make me turn down the dream job?” KFC says, “Well, I’ve also had a dream of being in a happy relationship and being 100% loved and not cheated on.” With Jax.
Jax cuts her off, saying, “Let me know when you have an answer.” He interviews that he’s burnt the fuck out with all the constant battling, and it’s stuck in his chest.
Back at SUR, Lisa greets Adam and Wesley at the bar. “Hello, gentlemen,” she says. “It looks like all the problems are a few thousand miles away, are you feeling that?” Adam and Wesley emphatically agree.
Adam says while he’s got Lisa here, he wants to find out if he can move up from barback to bartending. Lisa interviews that Adam is absolutely gorgeous, and the women love him, plus he does great work as a barback, but that doesn’t necessarily make a great bartender. She asks him to make her a mojito, which he photogenically underpours, then tops off with sweet and sour instead of soda.
Lisa says you need more than just being a gorgeous specimen before you can become a bartender, and Adam needs some work. “I mean, he’s already better than Jax,” she says, and we’re treated to a series of flashbacks featuring Jax pouring unpalatable drinks, then banging his customers in the loo to make up for it. Lisa says of Adam, “He really does need to focus if he’s gonna make it here.” He flirts that she makes him nervous. Wesley says, “There’s gonna be much tougher customers.”
“Than Lisa?!” says Adam, “I don’t know about that.”
Back in Mexico, the gang settles in for drinks. Kristen says, “Single bitches on the end,” so something is definitely up with her and Carter. They toast to Schænə because it’s official today. Schænə says, “I have this countdown app on my phone, and I’m officially divorced!
Now she starts drunkenly bragging about how wise Rob is, and how quickly he can hang a TV (seven minutes). Stassi says Schænə needs to find a new hobby, like crossword puzzles, but all the words would be Rob. She has nightmares of the name Rob. She doesn’t even like mariachi band, and she’s praying for one. Thanks for the heavy lifting, Stass.
At this point, Jax gathers the Toms for a talk at the bar. He tells them about the job offer. Schwa asks, “What does that mean, though, Jax? Does this mean you wouldn’t be my neighbor?” Sandy fights back the tears. “I’ve known Jax for 15 years. I mean, I used to throw pieces of pizza at him while he was banging girls behind a sheet wall. He banged my ex girlfriend. If he moved away, I’d really miss him. I don’t want the band to break up, I love the band.” So touching.
Schwa says, “Jax can’t leave. I mean, sh*t, who would I make horrible decisions with?”
Jax says being 38 without a college education, he needs some kind of structure and stability in his life. He interviews that he’s so happy for the Toms, but he is jealous. He’s still living this Peter Pan existence, and he’s falling into the same patterns. “I need to have something in my life,” he says. The Toms chime in, “You have us!” and they all hug.
Back at the table, KFC tells the others about Tampa. Katie wants to know if they ever put Jax to a spelling test. She interviews, “Jax has had so many job opportunities over the years. One time it was a sweater line. Or fitness app. I’ll believe it when I see it.”
Stassi asks if she’s just expected to move with him. KFC says she honestly doesn’t understand, it was just brought up in passing, and now he’s breaking the news to the Toms. Katie asks, didn’t Scheana set her up with the new bartender at SUR? Ariana says they all know Adam has a crush on KFC, and the idea was to have him come out with them and pretend he was into her, in order to boost her confidence. James jumps in, “Oh for God’s sakes, you think Brittany wants to hear that? That is rude!” Then he interviews, “Scheana trying to set Brittany up with Adam is going to make Jax flip out. I mean, he’s gonna fucking go mental.”
Jax comes back to the table, and Ariana says, “So Tampa, what’s up?” Jax says, “I’m doing events and stuff like that, and I’ll be in charge of social media on top of that, so.” Stassi says, “He’s a liar. He can’t tell us what it’s called, the position. What would you have to do besides tweet about hockey?”
Demonstrating that she does indeed advocate for women, Ariana says she wants to make sure KFC gets to do what she wants with her life. Sandy asks what that is. KFC tries to jog Jax’s memory, but for the life of him, he just can’t remember what that is, beyond sitting on her couch eating Hooters, and being a famewhore.
Lala says he’s looking like a dummy right now. “You’ve been with her for two years, and you don’t know a thing about her!” she scolds. KFC interviews that it just really hurts, because she’s told Jax ten million times how she loved helping kids with mental disabilities, and he just hasn’t been listening. So what’s stopping her? I kinda doubt Jax would object if she woke up before noon one day, put down her hot wings, and got a job helping kids.
Lala lectures, “You are no longer a single man, this is a partnership.” Jax shouts at her not to talk to him that way, and Lala replies, “I will talk to you however I damn well please! Because guess what? I’ve watched you disrespect people over and over again, and I’ve had enough. Respect her!”
Jax says, “I don’t even know you that well for you to talk to me that way.”
“Despicable!” shouts Lala.
“I don’t know you well enough?” interviews Lala, and we get a delightful series of flashbacks of Jax hitting on Lala, who got to know him really well, pretty darned quick, let’s get real. She says, “One of the coolest girls ever lets me know you’re a piece of shit.” Now Kristen starts hollering, “I’ve known you long enough, Stassi’s known you long enough, Brittany’s…”
Jax shoots back, “Why don’t you worry about Carter right now? Go take care of your relationship!” Then he tells her she’s not perfect, like you have to be perfect to point out Jax is horrible. James says Jax is going to lose his temper soon, so Sandy says, “Let’s pump the brakes a little bit,” Stassi moans, “Oh my God, I’m so sick of the dudes pumping the brakes.” She says every time she walks past their apartment, she hears how Jax talks to Brittany, and she never says anything. Sandy says she’s being inappropriate, inasmuch as she’s Jax’s ex girlfriend.
Kristen shouts at him, “I thought you were Brittany’s friend!” Sandy replies, “I’m sorry, I just found out that my friend might be taking a job in fucking Florida next year.” Kristen says, “Oh, you can fuck OFF!”
Stassi gets up to leave, and Lalz jumps up, shouting, “This is crazy! This is crazy!” Jax says, “That took about ten minutes into this trip.” And that’s where we leave things for now.
Next on VPR – ¡Más México, bebé! Also, Rob asks Scheana nicely to turn off her damned phone and leave him the f*ck alone.
Till then, Trashies!
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