TrashTalkCeleb: Lea Michele, Jinger Duggar, Tara Reid, Courtney Stodden, Prince Harry & Meghan Markle, PUPPIES!!!
People – This is My Favorite Conspiracy Theory of All Time
Nothing beats a great illiteracy rumor, guys. Think of the best, funniest prank you could ever pull off, and you can always beat it by starting an illiteracy rumor. Hate your coworker? Start casually whispering to people to take it easy on her; she never learned how to read. Not a big fan of your sister’s new boyfriend? Tell your mom you saw him sounding out words on some flashcards he stole from the library. It’s the best! My favorite take-down of Trump was when Samantha Bee proposed the idea that maybe he, too, was illiterate (this theory, however, holds water, much like Trump himself). Anyway, here’s a very thorough investigation into the possibility that Lea Michele, singing and dancing Adderall pill of stage and screen, cannot read or write. If you can’t watch the video where you are, here’s a transcript. Do with it what you will.
Us – I Don’t Mean to Throw Your Day Into Chaos But One of the Duggars Is Having a Baby
“Jinger Duggar and Jeremy Vuolo cannot wait to be parents – but they haven’t done much preparing yet,” is how this post from Us begins, and a very loud uh-DUHHHHHHHHHHH that shook the foundation of my office building is how I responded. Yes, another one of the perennially god-bot generating Duggars is pregnant again, and this time it’s Jinger, Duggar No. 6, v. 1. Anyway, this post is all about a fan conspiracy that is in no way as fun or hysterical as the Lea Michele Is Illiterate conspiracy, and that postulates that Jinger is having a boy, based on the fact that she uses blue chalk to mark her stupid baby countdown chalkboard (white ladies love chalkboards, you guys).
Also, Us and Jinger throw around the word “gender” a lot here, like, Does Jinger know the gender of her baby? and Hi I’m Jinger and I don’t know the gender of my baby. And Hi I’m Jinger’s teeny tiny baby and I don’t know what a gender is but man this womb sure feels extra Christ-like today! And I really just wanna interject here and say that no one will know the gender of that baby until that baby is born and self-aware and full of cognition and can decide for itself what gender it is. Because gender is a self-identifier constructed by personal convictions and roles. The word they’re looking for, actually, is… SEX.
(but this is what happens when you say any part of that paragraph to a Duggar)
Page Six – This One is Dedicated to My Boyfriend (Not Colin Firth) (Not Jason Momoa) (Not John Hamm) (the one I have in my real life)
… who, like everyone’s boyfriend in their real life, is the Biggest Big Lebowski Fan In The Whole Wide World. You know how you know they like Big Lebowski more than you? They have a framed Big Lebowski poster in their living room. They plan their year around Lebowski Fest (which is a real thing). They go through their day while Sam Elliott narrates their entire life story in their head. They went as The Dude for Halloween, even though their girlfriend suspected it was maybe just an excuse to wear pajamas to work. My boyfriend is really into The Big Lebowski, MAN. (get it, because that’s what they say in The Big Lebowski film, which was produced by Ethan Coen and also Joel Coen, and also they are brothers). Since the Biggest Big Lebowski Fan In The Whole Wide World is home sick today, buried under the covers nursing off an illness very common among seventh graders, I am treating him to some recognition in my WIDELY READ (PEOPLE ARE SAYING) TrashTalkCeleb column. So this one’s 4 u boo:
Ummmmm excuse me, Tara. The Big Lebowski is not the reason you’re famous. The reason you’re famous is a series of teen sex romps produced around the turn of the millennium that featured you walking around in a “tube top” that was originally sold as a headband, mouth breathing out unwittingly slutty lines. Or maybe this NSFW moment could be the reason you’re famous. But the reason you’re famous is not what you think it is.
Daily Mail – Rill Itchy Memorial Courtney Stodden Update: March 23, 2018
The Dame Courtney Stodden hath been penetrated. Pardon? Heavens to murgatroyd, no! Not like that! What a vile sort of idea. Dash it all; allow me to get that delinquent mind out of the gutter:
Dame Stodden, for one preposterous reason or another, has chosen to defile her perfectly porcelain person by piercing her navel with a small trinket. What sad and deranged a woman! To take such reckless care of her own form. Won’t one of you men seize upon her, confine her to a straight jacket, and cart her off to that institution where we keep the suffragettes and menstruating women?
ONTD – Peg is NOT Happy About This Post
While Hank and Peg were spending a quiet mini-vacay in Northern Ireland (“we just need to GET AWAY from all this wedding stuff!” they told their friends, not bragging), their highly anticipated but expectedly boring invitations were mailed out. OMG, you guys, guess who got one. Ellie Goulding, one of Hank’s “many” exes. Can you imagine?! Peg didn’t invite ONE of the few men that she maybe went on one or two Tinder dates with, but Hank has now invited THREE women that – I have on good authority – he definitely slept with. Like, AT HIS PARENTS’ HOUSE. Can you imagine the gall? I told you all was not right with those two…
Anyway, Hank has clearly pissed off someone at ONTD, who included these choice tidbits about Hank, a man she is definitely over:
– He dated Chelsy for 7 years, Cressida lasted for 2….he allegedly cheated on both (multiple times).
– Sadly still no word on whether the various club bunnies, vegas ladies, lingerie models, the lady who blew him once in Alberta, the Army Thots, or any of the other side pieces he used to cheat on them with will attend.
– Meghan’s exes will NOT be invited…nor does she get a say in the matter…
Hahaha, DAMN! Now there’s a woman who definitely never keyed a guy’s car.
TMZ – IT’S MOTHERFUCKING NATIONAL PUPPY DAY!!!!!!!111!!!!1 RIP ME
You can look at these cute pics of celebrities with puppies, or you could look at my puppies, or you could actually PET a puppy, or you could maybe go to your local shelter or rescue group and ADOPT a puppy! Whatever you do, do not buy a puppy and do not clone a puppy. But you can still enjoy puppies, in whatever puppy form suits your puppy lifestyle.
Have a very puppy weekend, Trashies!
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