Hello, my Trashies! How is everyone this week?
MisRed is still recovering from last week’s installment of “Who Can We Blame Sh*t On This Week?” if you will recall, Teddi drew the short straw, resulting in Teddi telling Rinna that Dorit may not be as grudge-free as previously thought. Dorit is PISSED at Teddi. Erika flipped her wig at Teddi when Teddi implied Erika was “pretending” to have amnesia about some crap Dorit did to LVP a few weeks back. Kyle bought a very modern 122-year-old house. Dorit changed the name of her Swimwear line to Beverly Beach- which definitely fits the Ross Dress for Less better than “Nava.” LVP took Teddi the Broken Bird under her diamond-encrusted wing.
Let’s see how these betches can take years off MisRed’s life today, shall we?
MisRed will need this
Let’s see how these betches can take years off MisRed’s life today, shall we?
Who are you, tiny dwarf? How did you get past the guards? Why does your outfit not match?
We open with Dorit pretending to be a mom.
I get an eye-lift for my 6th birthday! You promised MOMMY!!!
Teddi’s daughter, who is, like 5, is getting some facial and a quick Restylan treatment- start ‘em young, MisRed says, you don’t want them to have any facial movement by grade 2. Erika’s vet visits to give Erika’s old goat a check-up. Oh wait, that’s Erika’s dog, not Tom. MisRed’s mistake. Did anyone else know Erika had a dog?
Ew. It’s the person that is trying to turn me human. Gross.
Over at Dorit’s, she is schlepping around the house wearing an $1,100 Gucci Belt Bag. Yes, Yes, it’s the fashion felony formerly known as: The Fanny Pack. F*ck off, Dorit. Yeah, Yeah, I know Fanny Packs are, supposedly, “back,“ but you are walking around your house. You aren’t taking your 11 kids to Six Flags and require all of your hands to be free to throw one of them a good beatin’.
Interestingly, MisRed at the Gucci website and didn’t see the version Dorit was wearing. Wonder if it’s actually a “Goochi?” Maybe she got it in Hong Kong, MisRed and her Gay almost got killed in Hong Kong trying to buy a Faux-lex and a fake Chanel. She doesn’t recommend it.
Ugh, 2 minutes in and MisRed is already OUT OF SORTS.
Teddi calls and you would think that Dorit was getting a collections call from Capital One- she staggers and rolls her eyes. Teddi apologizes for telling Lisa Rinna about what Dorit and PK said about Rinna over dinner, and also tells her WHY – she says that in the moment she was thinking of herself and did not consider the repercussions.
Really? You consider this sincere apology an apology?!?!
Dorit asks why she didn’t just wait to apologize in person as the group is getting together the following day- you know so everyone could get in on the apology, pick it apart, dramatize it some more…
Teddi explains that she may not attend whatever it is that they are doing the following day. She explains what happened to her with Erika was hard on her and she isn’t sure she wants to be in that situation again so soon. Uh, that’s like Superman calling Lex Luther and complaining that General Zod is a mean girl.
Any excuse for MisRed to use a Superman reference.
Of course, this honest, seemingly sincere, succinct , thorough apology isn’t enough for Dorit. She interviews “If you’re delivering a REAL apology, don’t pick up the phone and waffle”
It’s almost like a Xanax
“a sorry little apology and think that everything is going to be perfectly okay.”
Hahah Dorit has spelled Mellencamp incorrectly
Back on the phone with Dorit, she tells Teddi that she (Teddi) is trying to “sully her reputation instigating these problems.” Dorit feels like it’s intentional. Teddi is like- well it’s not intentional, I am not trying to justify or explain my behavior, but I made a mistake in saying anything to Rinna. Teddi interviews that – just once she would like to apologize and for the other person to say “Okay, I accept your apology.” Dorit says she appreciates Teddi calling and apologizing. NOTE: No acceptance of said apology.
<MisRed cracks her knuckles>
F*ck you Dorit, and here’s why:
- You were just offered a REAL apology for something that, supposedly, greatly offended you.
- Of course, you don’t understand a sincere apology- YOU’VE NEVER GIVEN ONE.
- You never apologized to Rinna for calling her a drug addict and schizophrenic- but expect an apology from Teddi for informing her that even after your reconciliation- you were STILL saying these things and other defamatory comments about Rinna.
- Teddi did not “waffle.” She was direct and to the point. And not for nothing- a waffle hasn’t passed Teddi’s lips in 15 years, KNOW THAT. (yes, yes, MisRed did just Alison Dubois her)
That waffle will never emotionally fulfill you
- Dorit, honey, sweetie, your reputation is being sullied?!?!?! Your reputation is YOURS, you have made it. If it is “sullied,” look in the mirror and then turn and look at that hefty, loathsome lout with whom you sleep. Teddi repeated (albeit unwisely) something that YOU actually DID say!!
- Water the goddamn plant on your coffee table.
Get your sh*t together, Dorit
- How many polyester monkeys had to die to make that couch throw?
- You are a phony of epic proportions
- You have completely RUINED the song FEVER for MisRed. When MisRed hears it, she gets an actual fever and has to lie down.
- PK is gross
Checking in at The House of Hamlin, Rinna and GiGi are playing with the new puppy and the udder dog. Rinna’s mother, Lois, is coming for a visit. Lois is 89. She doesn’t look 89 and she doesn’t act 89…but she’s 89. MisRed has one of those too- PapaRed is 87 and although in great shape… oy vey, it’s tough sometimes.
Stop the madness…
Kyle meets Teddi for a lunch. For f*ckssake, Kyle is wearing an $1,100 Gucci fanny pack too. Well, at least MisRed can argue that it’s probably holding in some of her back-fat. Kyle wants to know what’s happening and Teddi rehashes what happened at the dinner at Church Key after Kyle left to go see Hamilton. Teddi tells Kyle about Erika flipping out and how it was almost like an alien took over Erika’s body. Kyle was like- yeah, that’s the same thing that happened in Hong Kong. She also notes that Erika felt badly and later apologized to Eileen for the incident in HK, so maybe she will do the same this time.
Uh… lest we forget last week…
I will not apologize, Miss Crybaby
Teddi says that if Erika apologized she would be over it, but in the back of her mind she would always be thinking- that Erika has done this to her a few times. Teddi doesn’t feel intimidated by Erika, but rather she feels frustrated by her. And for someone who is supposedly all about “empowering women,” for her to kick Teddi while Dorit already had her, figuratively, down on the ground didn’t feel like she was empowering women.
Ok. Yes, Erika’s shtick is that her Erika Jayne character “empowers” women. MisRed has some issues with the way in which Erika claims to empower women. She flaunts her body, wearing skimpy clothes, parades around touching herself, acting like she can sing, but is that really empowerment? A) She is still allowing herself to be objectified and is encouraging it. Yes, it’s her choice to do so, if that’s empowerment… well, then, okay. B) Behind all of that “female empowerment” there is still a little old Sugar-Daddy paying ALL of her bills. To the tune of $40,000 per month according to her interview with People Magazine. Same thing with LaLa on VDP Rules- she preaches female empowerment, but she’s still sucking d*cks for Range Rovers and giving BJs for PJs (that’s Private Jets- for those behind on their HO-Lingo lessons). If you are really about Female Empowerment… use this platform you have (and you have it by SHEER LUCK) for something positive, not to dress up like Hooker Barbie and let men pay your way.
MisRed’s rant over. Has MisRed mentioned she is currently unemployed and is allowing MrRed to pay her bills? Lol.
We will just be fake friends like everyone else.
Teddi is like- listen, she doesn’t have to like me, but she doesn’t need to be mean to me. They can totally be “surface friends.”
LVP calls Kyle, and apparently, “Pink Dog” had a heart attack and died. Ken and LVP are very upset.
Pink Dog… we barely knew you
Of course, it’s horrible to lose a pet. MisRed has been through it and will go through it again soon when my 14-year-old decides he’s done holding down our couch, but maybe if the dog had a real name instead of “Pink Dog” she might have had the will to live. Too soon? #RIPpinkdog
MisRed didn’t give her dogs creative names either.
Rinna’s Mom Lois arrives- and this chick is a hot ticket.
Girl… I’m the Blanch Devereaux of the home!!
She looks FABULOUS and although Rinna would love for her to move to LA, she wants to stay in Oregon because she is the prom queen of her retirement home. Rinna then talks her into taking one of the Cardigan Dusters that she shills on QVC… then runs Lois’s credit card for 3 easy payments of $14.95 (plus tax). Apparently, Rinna is having a lunch for Lois and has invited all of the girls. Rinna tells Lois not to take any crap from the women and to tell them all to get over it, be happy and just live in the moment.
We move to the Pretty Me$$ offices and one of Erika’s minions is putting some “very 90’s” makeup on her. Apparently, Erika is going to an event- which Mikey has to explain to her- it’s a Female Empowerment event- called Girl Out. Funny, that’s what MisRed says when her pitbull ties to join her in the shower- “Girl, OUT.” Oh hahaha, it’s actually called Girl Cult- MisRed’s bad. Lol. Mikey explains that Tyra Banks and Kimora Lee Simmons are going on before her and refers to them as “the cool, young, edgy girls.” Mikey, you may want to renew your subscription to “Cool, Young, Edgy Girls Magazine,” as you seem to be a few hundred issues behind.
Erika and some other “Boss Bitches” is going to be talking to young women “boss bitches” about the future and empowerment of “boss bitches.” Erika says, “It’s very imporDant to talk to young women and tell them ‘It’s not gonna be easy, okay? But there’s a chance for you.” That’s right girl… first you have to get that cocktail waitress job and put on the uniform every day, then slowly, slowly administer the “love potion” into their drinks, and then you have to TRAPHISASS, so he’ll marry you and pay $40,000 a month for your upkeep.
Yassss, nothing says modern woman like denim and iron-on letters
Erika has picked out a nice power suit for the event. It’s a catsuit with a denim jacket over it which reads on the back “Forgive me Father for I have sinned.” Oh yeah, I think Louisa May Alcott wore that same thing at her suffrage meetings.
Not that MisRed is bitter. No. She’s VERY BITTER, but hey, Erika stepped in it. Sure, Erika was a single mom raising a kid on her own, which could NOT have been easy, and MisRed does not discount this at all. But this whole “empowerment” thing came about when Erika boned a rich guy and he married her and subsidized her life-style. She didn’t work her way to the top. She is rich by INJECTION.
Say what you want about Bethenny Frankel or even Ramona Singer- they, at least, worked for their money and didn’t get to the top on their backs. Well, according to Ramona, Bethenny did…. but MisRed digresses.
Hey, and not that MisRed is an advocate for working- the women’s movement really ruined the good thing women had going- financially-sponsored-FREE- days with no supervision*. Sure, women had kids to deal with but that’s why Jesus invented playpens, television and Vodka. Now women are EXPECTED to go earn a paycheck- THANKS GLORIA STEINAM. You ruined MisRed’s perfectly good career choice: NO CAREER*. Hell, Erika’s life is nice work if you can get it, but it’s not like they are handing out “Millionare Old Dudes” when you spend $29 at the Lancome counter.
*To be clear, MisRed didn’t come up with these concepts- if you haven’t checked out Ali Wong’s stand-up specia, Baby Cobra, on Netflix- close this recap and go watch it IMMEDIATELY.
The ladies prepare for the lunch for Rinna’s Mom. They begin to arrive at TART. Camille is first to arrive and Rinna tells her that Lois is going to keep everyone in line- and Camille is like- oh good, she can keep Dorit in line. Rinna begins to tell Lois that she and Dorit have made great strides in their relationship. Speak of the Devil and she shall appear.
Rinna makes the mistake of saying that Dorit is working on a swimwear line and that sends Dorit off on a lengthy tangent about her favorite topic: HERSELF.
How high is the roof at TART? Asking for a friend.
Rinna’s mother actually dies and gets reincarnated and ages an additional 89 years over the course of Dorit’s chatter.
The other girls arrive at “Lunch for Lois” and everyone has a good chat. Kyle thinks that Rinna is so lucky to have her Mom there and how she wishes her Mom were still around and she could sit with her at a table and share stories. MisRed can relate.
Erika and LVP aren’t joining- Erika is talking to Boss Bitches and LVP’s dog died- we presume the death was not related to Erika’s talk.
We move to Villa Rosa and their Pet Cemetery.
No, Ken, NO! Giggy just LOOKS dead.
Yes, they have a pet cemetery. We get a tribute worthy of the Oscars to “Pink Dog.” Both Lisa and Ken are very sad and Ken blames himself because he thought Pink Dog didn’t seem right in the morning. It sounds like Ken is farting when he puts the flower on the grave… but it could be Giggy having a death rattle.
If Ken has a pink toupee next week MisRed is going to have some questions
Awww, poor Ken… he couldn’t even get his wig on straight.
Back at the lunch, everyone orders food- these betches all have salads and Lois orders French Toast- GOD BLESS THIS WOMAN!!!
Lois is my HERO.
Lois says she still feels 30, she says that she really shouldn’t be alive. She had a stroke a few years earlier and she recognizes that she’s a different person now- she’s happy all the time! MisRed knows a few people for whom she’d like to order up a stroke – INCLUDING HERSELF- if that’s the result. BAHAHAHAAHAH. Imagine a HAPPY MisRed. Wouldn’t that be hysterical? And sad. You don’t want that, right? Didn’t think so.
Lois lives in the moment- Rinna wishes she could be more like that.
Rinna gives out her Dusters to the girls and gets their payment info…
Hmmm… made in China from the skins of small children….
We transition to the next scene to the strains of Erika Jayne. Allow MisRed to try to break it down…
“My kittys like a python
Tick-Ticking like a time bomb”
Two thoughts- if my genitals or my pet cat (covering all bases- innuendo and literal) were ticking like a time bomb or looked like a python, MisRed would go to a walk-in clinic… but that’s just me.
Captain Hook can do the splits like Joe Guidice
“Got to buy it
With no try on”
A tribute to Dorit who doesn’t try things on?
“I purchase like a lion
Knock’em out like Tyson
Everybody knows that I’m a million-dollar diamond
It’s expensive to be MAYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEE.”
OK, well, at minimum we have learned, rhyming isn’t Erika’s strong-suit.
Erika arrives at the Girl Cult event, in the evening, so not sure why she couldn’t have been at Lunch for Lois? She notes that women shouldn’t be mean to other women. You are right. You are also appearing on the wrong franchise. If you want to be nice… go over to, like, The Hallmark Channel. Oh, and while we are at it, maybe you shouldn’t have told Eileen to STFU in Hong Kong or flipped your sh*t on Teddi or called LVP a “sniper from the side.” But who is keeping score? Oh that’s right? Me.
The MC, Margie Plus, introduces Erika as an Actor and a Singer…. Hmmm, wonder if Erika will correct her and then scold her like Erika did Teddi. SHE’S A PERFORMER.
Nope, no correction.
I can see your puss. I’m doing you a solid.
Good thing PK isn’t there because Margie Plus clearly missed the “sitting in a short skirt in public” day at Charm School.
Kyle is having a séance, and Kyle’s party planner, Glen, is like, running around like a lunatic.
Teddi arrives at LVP’s house. The black bunting still shrouds Villa Rosa… and LVP is dressed in mourning black. Apparently, they just ANOTHER incident, Pikachu has been rushed to the hospital and is on a ventilator.
Ok, we need to get some Joe Kenda and Keith Morrison up in this shiz.
These two will get to the bottom of it
Teddi and LVP review the events of Church Key, when Teddi left a dinner in tears. Teddi wonders if Erika will apologize and then wonders what THAT would be like? But she doubts Erika will apologize. LVP remarks that she heard from Camille and Rinna- regarding the untimely death of Pink Dog- but she heard exactly zip from Erika. They leave for the séance.
Rebecca, the psychic or medium or whatever, shows up at Kyle’s house and immediately gets on the sauce. Kyle puts a lot of stock in Rebecca and thinks of her as a “guidance counselor.” Oh dear.
Erika and picks up Rinna and gets her “Duster.” Erika is like WTF am I supposed to do with this?
Ohhhhh, I’ll throw it over Tom’s lap in his wheelchair
Erika wants to invite the girls to accompany her to Berlin.
Hide the booze… it’s here.
Dorit arrives in the shortest skirt ever, channeling Erika AF. Rinna hugs LVP upon arrival at Kyle’s and says that she is sorry about Pink Dog. Erika neither acknowledges that death of Pink Dog nor the presence of Teddi.
Erika interviews that seeing Teddi reminds her that “It’s took much work to be friends with this chick” and she doesn’t need to work that hard to be friends with anybody. Um, which might explain why Erika has so few girlfriends. Yeah, why would you want to be friends with someone who is honest and straight-forward. Stick with Dorit. Having to continually look over your shoulder and remove knives from your back is GREAT exercise.
Rebecca explains that she is a REAL person and she’s not a CRAZY person… and she has been receiving calls from heaven on her telephone.
MisRed’s Pyschic Psychiatric Breakdown:
Anyone who says they aren’t crazy… IS.
Also, what’s the cell service like in heaven? Will MisRed need Verizon? MisRed is asking for her loved ones, dahling… MisRed knows she will be living the afterlife in a place much, much warmer… you know, with fire and brimstone, and with MisRed’s luck f*cking Dorit and Vicki Gunvalson will be there.
Rebecca is “bridging the gap between technology and spirituality. Heaven knows my phone number.” Can she get Steve Jobs on the horn? Apple needs some innovation.
This sounds like some L.Ron Hubbard bullsh*t
She says she has “lots of proof” that Heaven calls her. MisRed is going to need to see an incoming call log or something. Rebecca states she calls God “Papa God.” Okaaaaay.
I apologize for not consoling you… Dorit told me how needy and insecure you are.
LVP confronts Erika about not sending her condolences about Pink Dog. Thankfully Erika just, like, tossed LVP a bone and hugs her and says how sorry she is. Erika says she just found out about the dog’s death.
Hey…. Has anyone considered that Erika’s kitty could be to blame for Pink Dog’s unexplained death? Maybe that “python” got Pink Dog and is now working on Pikachu. It’s a theory MisRed is working on…
Or could it be….
I’ll pop a cap in your ass…
…and you’re next, you fluffy DOOFUS!!
Everyone sits down for dinner and séance. Kyle is running a special. Dinner, Dessert and Séance for only $19.95. Teddi sits between Rinna and Erika and Erika actually compliments Teddi’s earrings.
Ok, Rebecca the T-Mobile Psychic says that Marilyn Monroe is at the table. Yeah. Because she has nothing better to do than hang with these hags.
I want to know where Dorit keeps the cocaine…
And so is “Franny or Francis.” Rinna claims that it’s her Dad, Frank. Rebecca says that he sits in Rinna’s room by the big windows and he’s even met a few nice rats. Rinna thinks it’s comforting.
Your dad says, people at your pay grade should’t have rats.
Kyle says she really knows how to set up for a séance. She has beautiful candles and crystals and flowers… but nary an electronic cigarette in sight.
We flash back to the Season 1 Dinner Party from Hell… bahahahaha. Anyone go to the Watch What Crappens Houston show? MisRed somehow snuck into the little side box with Ronnie’s Mom and Dad. And yes, MisRed met Tonta. Jelly?
John Lennon has also joined them for dinner. He is PK’s idol of all idols. Puhleeze PK, how dare you idolize John Lennon and act like such a horse’s ass 99.9% of the time??!!
MisRed SHUNS YOU P-KAY.
LVP and Teddi don’t believe in this psychic stuff, but they want to support Kyle. Kyle’s mother comes through- and Kyle asks if her mother is proud of her projects? The psychic tells her that Big Kath has said- if she’s going to portray her, she better get it right with the right wardrobe, hair and jewelry. Nice to see the shallow apple doesn’t fall far from the shallow tree.
“Bill” has entered the room, for Dorit. Bahahaha. Figures. Even dead people are trying to collect debts from Dorit. Rebecca says that Dorit has known PK in a past life. Dorit was supposed to go to a place in Greece, but she missed the boat… probably because she was 54 minutes late. But Bill came and told her that he knew how to get her to Greece and wound up being her husband. LVP is like- Dorit late? Maybe this psychic does know what she’s talking about.
The psychic tells LVP that she has 3 dogs in the room waiting for her- one of them is- hold on to your knickers, kids… PINK DOG.
No, no… I never look at Twitter…
Rebecca says that she saw it on Twitter, but that’s not why she’s saying it… lol.
Rebecca says that Erika has psychic ability and Erika says she does and that’s why she is “closed.” Erika says that she once lived a previous lifetime as a young Spanish Prince who was kidnapped and held in the bottom of a boat, but a Knight rescued her (him?). LVP is like “How do you KNOW this?” And Erika is like… a psychic told me.
I was a young Spanish Chorus Boy…
All of the girls make fun of the psychic in their interviews. Dorit can’t believe Erika now has a THIRD PERSONAS. Erika has three personas, one accent. Dorit has one persona, seventy-five accents. Rinna thinks she (Rinna) was probably a whore in a past life.
Awww… sounds like a load of crap
Rebecca says that someone is there for Teddi- a young female who died. Teddi did have a friend who died. Teddi still thinks it’s BS but it’s comforting.
Come to Germany! They LOVE obnoxious Americans.
The girls have dessert. Yes, you read that correctly. Erika invites the ladies to go to Berlin with her… even Teddi. Erika feels that it’s “imporDant” for the group to stay together. She feels that if she and Dorit could put their differences aside and Dorit and Rinna could put their differences aside and Rinna and LVP can put their differences aside…. Kyle asks if Erika and Teddi can put their differences aside? Erika says yes and APOLOGIZES for losing her temper with Teddi.
I’m sorry, Miss Crybaby
Uh… thought Erika wasn’t going to apologize…
Teddi is grateful for the invitation to Berlin but thinks that the apology was more to facilitate the OTHER friendships.
Erika says she wants them all to come and she will call all of their husbands and possibly give them all blow jobs. Ummmm… ok, not sure any of these husbands actually resist having their wives go away, but what a sweet offer. #femaleempowerment
Next week, Dorit is still around. The girls head to Berlin. “Nanny K” is going to stay with LVP and Kyle doesn’t seem to know who “Nanny K” is. Duh-Duh-Duh.
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