New York Times – Chuck Berry: 1926 – 2017
A legend left us over the weekend, folks. Chuck Berry, Father of Rock n’ Roll, died at his home 45 miles outside St. Louis. I don’t have the words, experience, or maturity to do Chuck Berry’s life justice, so here’s the video obit from the Times: [just in case the internet hates me, which it does because I slept with its boyfriend, here’s a link.]
For the homie.
People – Just Another Day of White Women Being Profiled at the Airport
Svedka Robot Girl-cum-Social Justice Warrior Kim Zolciak Biermann has taken to her social media accounts to launch an all-out boycott of the nation of Germany. Kim and baby bot Brielle were furious that the security rooted through their luggage, claiming that officials threw out (or stole?) some of their belongings “because of the American government.” How typically racist of those assholes. Bullying a bunch of marginalized white women from the South because our President refused to shake their Chancellor’s hand. GAWD.
(Not for nothing, and I could be wrong, Kim, but they also might be stopping you because you and your daughter both look like highly technological weapons of biological warfare that were designed in a laboratory. But hey, I haven’t been to Europe in a while so what do I know.)
Jezebel – Here’s Kim Kardashian’s Recount of the Paris Robbery Story.
Guys, there are a lot of things to laugh at when it comes to the Kardashians, but this isn’t one of them. And since there’s nothing else in the blogosphere to pull from this morning, this is what you get. So, there. Sit and reflect, I guess. Today’s hot lunch will be beef wellington with a side of creamy mashed potatoes.
Just Jared – Blac Chyna Talks to Only People Who Will Listen
… those being the readers of Cosmopolitan South Africa. Damn. This Rob & Chyna feud is so big and important it stretched all the way to Africa. Now all those Africans, who clearly had nothing to worry about and woke up breezy and calm every morning, are gunna stress about this big fat fucking deal that are Chyna’s “Haters.” Sorry, Africa! We know you were having such a great day.
Page Six – I Think I’m Going to Climax Right Here in My Cubicle I Really Mean It
If there’s anything I love more than desperate, phony Housewives, it’s the desperate, phony hangers-on that latch to them in the bloodshot hopes of some day making it on to the show. You know, those women who value their five minutes in ground zero so greatly that they’ll make such a magnificent fool of themselves, such an ostentatious display of histrionics, that it soon becomes easy to savor their little moments of camera time. One of these “Friends Of…” as they’re called, is the Ineffably Horrible Kim DePaola, Owner of Posche, First Praying Mantis of Wayne, New Jersey – aka, Kim D. Well, Kim D.’s Audi was found torched in Paterson, NJ* with the charred remains of two victims who’d been shot execution-style.
Oh my fucking hell. So much about this is amazing. I don’t even have the capacity to process it all in one sitting. My eyes are going crossed. I smell burnt toast. My legs won’t stop shaking. Once I’m done having this stroke I’m going to start a Serial-esque podcast where I thoroughly investigate this heinous, mysterious true crime. So stay tuned!
* For the uninformed, that’s where people at the end of their ropes go to get their checks cashed while they eat food prepared within close vicinity of a toilet. It’s also the town from which Teresa Giudice loudly, proudly hails.
Also, damn, there were a lot of Kims in this post.
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