Our time in Hawaii is coming to a merciful end. We’re starting off on a cherrier note than last week which ended with Sheree running away from shiny things. Kandi checks in on the baby who smiles on cue. Sheree chats with her publisher about her deadline and Porsha teaches Todd how to artfully place eyelashes on a coaster-free table other couples have probably had sex on. Kenya and Phaedra are playing tennis and figuring out which star they most resemble – in looks, not skill. And surprise – they don’t resemble any tennis player. Not female ones anyway.
As they hit balls back and forth, we hear Kenya saying that she’s glad they’ve formed this friendship while Phaedra reinforces not trusting Kenya on the advice of Dear Porsha. Dear Porsha also advises women to jump up and down after sex to avoid pregnancy. Kenya says that Phaedra will be single soon, hinting at the divorce, but Phaedra’s lips are sealed tighter than her legs around a man with a felony.
“Or at least a misdemeanor.”
Cynthia surprises Peter with room service because he won’t ever get it once she cuts off his PayPal account post-divorce. They claim to have not hooked up on the trip. Maybe Cynthia didn’t want to fall into that Sherri Shepard trap of having your separation date changed because she couldn’t hold in her craving for peen.
“You sure you don’t want a nibble of these smurfberries?”
She gifts him a Bible as their parting gift. I just don’t get this gift at all unless it’s hollowed out and filled with change for his inevitable tough times ahead. He wonders if he’s not a good husband but she says that he was great and she was a bad wife. Peter wastes no time in agreeing with her. I bet he’s holding her Discover card hostage until she makes him look good on TV. He admits that he feels better taking no accountability because she never wanted marriage. We’re going to disregard the multiple failed business ventures, cheating allegations and actual recorded vide cheating and blame it all on Cynthia’s desire to wake up with her ring finger still attached and not given to a mob boss for some coffee-based debt. They promise to K.I.T. forever…or until she cuts off his Cricket phone.
“Three more weeks and I can apply for that Fingerhut credit line.”
Todd and Kandi planned a pig roast for the night but they decide to roast Peter instead for his birthday. They only thing is, they don’t seem to tell anyone but Cynthia. This should be great! They all begin to arrive, including Sheree who is still upset with Bob. So, the roast was pretty terrible. Cynthia had advance knowledge and the best she could do was mention how well he brushes his teeth. Who did she ask for the definition of a “roast”? Jeeves? He’s been giving out wrong answers on purpose since his career was ended by that beef with Google. You know a roast is bad when the best part is the roastee clapping back at the guests. Porsha asks if he’s going to have sex with Cynthia tonight and he says not unless you get there first. He shames her back into her seat while Tall Todd does the trademark laugh and napkin wave Eva from the Apollo patented. I might need Peter to come back every once in a while.
The next day, Kenya books the master suite for a divorce party for Cynthia and Phaedra. She thinks it’s a great idea to lead these women into solitude with or without their desire or approval. What could go wrong?
It’s the last night and the group is going out on the water for rib tips and chill. Bob and Sheree split from the group to discuss what happened. He holds up his glass and says “cheers” while Sheree questions what they’re “cheersing” to. It’s not public education honey. He apologizes but then says he doesn’t know why she left him at the jewelry store. Ugh, just say sorry! Revealing the depths of your stupidity just makes it worse. She says that they never fully discussed the things that happened in their marriage. For example, he went to Stanford for 6 months to finish his degree and didn’t call home during that entire time. Then he wouldn’t pay the mortgage and would cut off her credit cards to be spiteful.
Sheree: I shanked so many old ladies in parking garages for Loubotin money. No one knows my pain.
All of that mental and emotional abuse came to a head when he made the comments in the car about choking her and the windshield. He says he’s not that guy anymore but immediately plays the victim and asks if he’s supposed to slit his wrists. She says that it’s not her job to tell him what to do as a grown ass man. She can’t even look at him so he says “Look at me!”
Actually, it kinda became her job when she married a sweat-infused ogre with a large bank account. She cries that he left her with little kids and tries to steer that into her rationale for building the chateau. It’s to prove that she can provide for herself and the kids. Damn Sheree. You almost had all of America on your side until you tried to make an eight bedroom ice skating rink logical. He says if she chooses not to be compassionate towards him, he can’t do anything about it. They’re done and agree to try to have a good time with the group. She feels like she has closure. They rejoin the group and laugh at Cynthia getting her hair stuck in her tiny phone fan. She’s so pretty.
The men go out for drinks while the women gather for their divorce party. Sheree had one on the show years ago but says you have to be ready for it. Cynthia walks in and is saddened. I’m saddened that her first instinct is to put balls in her man’s butt when Kenya introduces the games. They try to give her a wifey sash but she says she’s not marriage material. Geez, this is the most depressing party ever. Until –
Phaedra already looks pissed off as if she had a heads up from a producer or two. She claims illness as she walks in but her face looked like she was trying not to maul Kenya. She says that the party can be for Cynthia and sits her gas and anger filled body into a chair. Kenya starts the festivities with a blindfolded kiss the penis game. Naturally, Kandi comes the closest.
It helped that the penis is the same height at Todd’s mouth.
And naturally Porsha does the worst because the poster doesn’t have the scent of wallet she usually uses to track a dick. Phaedra is upset that they’re making a mockery of the sacrament of marriage. Also, we can show cartoon penises on TV now?
Phaedra leaves to find ginger ale, a knife and an alibi. The rest of the group plays for a few minutes but then stop to wonder if she’s upset. Porsha reads a text from Phaedra which says that they are celebrating the destruction of a family and doesn’t like that it’s being thrown by the woman who was texting her husband. Porsha goes to Phaedra’s room and says that when she read the text, their mouths dropped.
“That’s because no one knew you could read.”
I get it. “Celebrating” a divorce is tricky. On the other hand, Phaedra is confusing. Is she a Southern churchgoing belle today or a booty circling vacation trollop? After everything Apollo did, one might think that she is excited about moving forward. This is one of those times where Kenya never being married probably plays a role in her not getting it. Porsha, who’s expecting room service to bring pineapple juice to wash down what’s left of her dignity, instead finds a pineapple named Kenya. I love that Phaedra is asking “they sent a whole pineapple?” in the background as Porsha says this.
Kenya starts the conversation nicely but as usual, is unable to see where someone else is coming from and instead of apologizing for not understanding, says that Apollo and Phaedra made this decsiion. Like, what? So if someone decides to give a kid up for adoption they must want an “I do, I did, I don’t have to go to PTA” party. That’s not how this works.
Kenya tries to force Phaedra to see it from her perspective which is that if Phaedra’s life is so much better, she should want to celebrate. She tells Phaedra not to deify her. Unless Phaedra is wearing a prayer cloth over that shoestring she calls a skirt, there’s no deity here. Kenya says whatever issue she caused was a grain of sand compared to their other issues. She was the dash between their stolen social security numbers. One title to their fleet of stolen vehicles. The pickle to their barrel. A mere foie to their gras.
Phaedra says she was disrespectful to her marriage although it was years ago. Kenya adds that Phaedra is phony for having a restoration service but not being willing to forgive. Phaedra says that doesn’t mean she’s forgotten because she clearly hasn’t studied the Book of Lauren Conrad. Kenya asks that they pray again like they did in the Phillipines. Phaedra declines. Kenya asks if she doesn’t have time for God and Phaedra says that she does but it’s hard to dredge up fake prayers past all the gas in her stomach.
Kenya is dismissed before the hotel room turns into a scene from The Klumps. She reports back to the group that it didn’t go well. Porsha says it’s because the divorce is only a week old. Oh lawd. I know Porsha isn’t the brightest but really?! She just confirmed with Phaedra that she hasn’t told the girls anything about the divorce and now everyone knows.
“Sorry. I haven’t been thinking straight since I lost the penis kissing contest.”
Kandi says that Apollo hasn’t said anything to Todd so I expect this to blow up quite nicely back in the United States. The guys join the group and Kandi says the trip was rocky in the beginning but it was totally worth it since Porsha admitted to lying.
Next week, we get to see Noelle and Kairo in the fashion show. Kenya’s drool nearly causes a runway pileup. Kandi’s former employee follows up on his lawsuit quest and Matt returns with a backseat banging revelaion. What’d you think? Love you for reading and commenting!
Want more TrashTalk? Follow us on Twitter for updates of recaps as they publish, like us onFacebook for a daily update, watch our TV parody vids on YouTube, or for funny TV pics, heart us on Instagram, and get the occasional gif on Tumblr!