Howdy Trashmii! We’ve been inching towards the wedding for weeks now, and this week we get almost a whole foot closer. In this episode, the gang finally congregates at the venue — that is, minus a few important revelers who hopefully will eventually find their way.
As we open, it’s ten days to the wedding. Sandoval is playing a mini-trumpetin his apartment, when Jax comes in. Tom shows off his very realistic horse call, which is how he summons Ariana to the bedroom.
Check it, dude, I finally figured out how to get laid!”
Jax says, “You have way too much time on your hands.” He interviews that Tom is always doing the most random things when he’s home alone. One time, Jax caught him deep-cleaning his Nintendo — how embarrassing! Sandoval makes them a lovely beet shake, and sneaks in some raw eggs, to Jax’s protestations.
The Furtive Egg of Love
Now they get down to business, which is trying to get Schwa’s airhead triplet brothers to the wedding. Jax tells us the triplets live in a little place called Yulee, Florida, in a tiny one-room shack with their mom and dad. “Very unique, very special individuals,” says Jax. Tom calls one of the triplets, Brandon, who says he doesn’t have enough money. He asks if he’d come if they foot the bill ($1500). Brandon says, “Hell, yeah.”
“I would want to surprise him,” says Tom. Brandon replies, “Is this, like, a surprise thing?” Ha!
“Yeah, a surprise,” says Sandoval. Jax says, “Yeah, so don’t tell Tom.” He interviews, “Oh God. Here it comes… here it… here it comes…” Brandon says, “Should I call him and talk to him about anything?”
“No, no, no!” say Jax and Tom. Then they launch into this comical “Who’s on first” routine that makes Jax look like a rocket scientist.
It’s eight days to the wedding! Brit, Kristen and Rachel try on their bridesmaid dresses at Alteration Express, which are surprisingly nice.
Brit decides to spill to Kristen about the triplet surprise, then says, “Maybe I wasn’t supposed to say that.” In come Katie, Stassi and Scheana. Katie interviews that it was a tough job finding a dress they all liked, because they’re all such picky bitches, but the important thing is that no one’s going to look better than the bride.
Hmm. Come to think of it, maybe she did too good a job. In a flash, she takes off their sashes and makes them put on these tight little metallic belts that add twenty pounds, and accentuate the puckering at their exposed waistline seams. Instant transformation!
Voilà! A pack of disheveled fatties
Meanwhile, Schwa takes Jax and Sandoval to Dylan’s Candy Bar, to pick out candy for the wedding favors. Jax makes a beeline for the candy corns. “Ew, candy corns?” moans Sandoval, “Dude, bang my girlfriend, but don’t eat fricking candy corns.”
Back at Alteration Express, Stassi has finally caught the single bug. She tells the girls she doesn’t want a date for the wedding, because she wants to meet eligible bachelors. “I’m going single AF,” she says, “Know what I mean?”
Shayna asks Katie how she and Schwa are doing since Lisa agreed to officiate. Katie says they’ve let go of the past and are all better now, it’s a miracle! Shayna says, “And now you know, like how to deal with the conflict, you know? Like, I mean, Shay and I went to therapy once, didn’t need it again, we learned how to communicate.”
“How, bitch? Telepathy?”
Back at the candy bar, Schwa says, “Remember that scene in predator when he’s like, ‘Hey you’re hit, you’re bleeding, and he’s like, ‘I don’t have time to bleed.’ That’s me, I don’t have time to bleed right now. Cuz I’m in wedding mode right now, I’m rock solid.” He tells them he exorcised all the negativity. “I gave Tequila Katie a eulogy today,” he says.
They are truly happy for him, and don’t even try to get him to eat candy corns, or put on an unflattering outfit, or laugh at him for his poor choice of fiancée.
Guys — they’ll f*ck your girlfriend, but that’s not what matters
Then they joke about how in the cabin in the woods, in the middle of the night, they can summon the spirit of Tequila Katie by uttering her name three times. Jax says it twice, “Tequila Katie… Tequila Katie…” Shivers run down the Toms’ spines, and Schwa begs him to stop.
“Let’s talk about how your D*CK doesn’t work, Bubba!”
The next day at SUR, Katie and Scheana chat with Jax at the bar while setting up. Jax asks how their date night was, and Katie says she feels a shift. She says they’re going to start a family one day, so they don’t want to be fighting about how he didn’t have her back one night in a bar (and had someone else’s in another).
Not to be upstaged, Scheana tells them she plans to freeze her eggs, so she and Shay can have babies via in vitro fertilization, since he’s never home anymore. She threatens that next summer she could have a baby bump. “NOOooo-wuh,” says Jax, “That’s too soon!” He interviews, “I’m pretty sure Shay has to be in the same room with Scheana to make a baby,” because he doesn’t understand IVF
“Fertilization without sex? How’s that possible?”
Jax says he can’t believe they’re having this conversation. Katie kindly reminds him he probably already has a passel of bastard babies running around Vegas, stealing things, and sexually assaulting their school-bus drivers. Jax says if they were out there, they’d already have come a-knocking.
Scheana says she’s been getting a taste of how Stassi feels being the third and fifth wheel, because the other night she ended up at Jax’s house with Kristen, Carter, Jax and Brittany, “And Shay was still at the studio,” she says. Jax makes a face. Shayna says that they all went out to dinner, and she was the fifth wheel.
It’s not like Shay’s not invited,’ says Jax. Scheana says, “He’s been workin’ on somethin’ special for me in the studio,” then swoops out with a smile. Katie coos, “Oh, special!”
“Something special, or just avoiding everybody totally?” mutters Jax, then sighs. If only they’d listen…
Jax — the dumb AF ‘Cassandra of VPR’
Now Lisa pulls up to SUR on a horse she just happened to find outside the restaurant. “I mean, WTF, right?” she says, popping her chewing gum. She asks the horse people to take her shoes off as she disembarks. When she lands, they say she needs to put them back on. “I know, right?” she says. Then she interviews, “This is why I love West Hollywood, there’s always an air of magic and surprise.”
“Always expect the unexpected,” she adds, because she’s a closet Big Brother fan.
“I can’t believe that little pixie Nicole won! I mean WTF, right?”
Once inside, she grabs a drink out of a SURver’s hand and confronts Jax with it. She interviews, “SUR gives the best pour in town. This glass is barely wet! Now if it was for me, he’d pour something like I’m his date on prom night, because I’m his Sexy-Momma boss woman, dahling.”
Now Jax takes this opportunity to tell Lisa that Scheana plans to freeze her eggs. He says, “I’ve always said that Scheana could do a lot better,” then he says Shay doesn’t come home at night.” He knows it for a fact, Shay is always in the “studio”, with air quotes, no less.
Lisa says Shay must be hard at work, working on something, such as building a castle on top of a beanstalk (for his Little Bean, you know). Jax says, oh, he’s working on something, but it’s not their marriage. Lisa says it’s not her business until Scheana makes it her business, and off she goes, deep in thought.