Greetings, Trashies! Last week, Vegas happened and we got a baby scare, so we had to put Ariana’s vagina on hold briefly, but now it’s time to hunker down and get back to it. Let’s get started, shall we?
We open at Tom and Ariana’s, where we learn some of the Vanderbitches have arranged to zap their pubes on camera. Gee, I wonder whose idea that was. Ariana says she’s dreading going to that laser hair removal thing. She tells Sandy they have to shave really close, and it hurts.
“Really?” says Sandy. “I would think they would want to have it grown out, so they can see where to go.”
Ariana say no, they laser the follicles, not the hairs. Sandy wants to know if it smells like burning hairs, and Ariana says, “Only if you don’t shave close enough, and it hurts.” She interviews, “I don’t think I’m ready to full-out say, ‘I love my vagina,’ but, you know, I’m workin’ on it. Maybe one day I’ll declare on the top of a mountain that yes, I love my vagina. Maybe, one day.” But for now, yakking about it on TV will do.
Now Sandy steals Ariana’s thunder with a change of subject. He says Vegas was awesome, and what made it really special is that he did something productive. Of course, he partied his balls off and gambled his ass off, but he and Schwa still got up and made 66% of their meetings, sorta. “She did kind of kick us out of the meeting with Nick Alain, a little bit,” he admits, “She definitely sent me and Schwartz to the f*ing kid’s table.”
“Yeah, well, sounds like you deserved it,” says Ariana. As she stops for a breath, the camera crew thank their lucky feathers, pack up, and flee.
Back at SUR, James is getting ready to see his dad. It’s been five months since James has seen him, and it’s the first time he’s flown in to visit since the divorce. James pops on a matching blazer over a navy tee, and gives Raquel a kiss.
In comes Andros, James’s dad. “Keepin’ it gangsta?” James calls out.
“London gangsta,” says Andros.
James interviews that his dad managed George Michael, and they were best friends for countless years. His dad also happened to be a DJ, like James, so James grew up in a very musical environment.
Raquel says she feels like they’ve already met before. Andros asks James what he’s drinking. James says these days he drinks vodka or beer, and he’s buying the first round. Raquel steps in and says, “You’re not drinking tonight, right? If Lisa walks in and sees you with a glass, that’s not good.”
Just then, Lisa enters, and greets Billie. “Hello Miss Billie, how are you?” she says. “You’re looking rather chipper.”
Then she strides up to Andros, calling out, “Daddy! I haven’t seen you for years!” She interviews that she first met Andros with George Michael coming back from the south of France many years ago, but Ken had known him through the bar scene prior to that, and Andros was a bit of a guy around town. So this must be the family connection that has served James so well with Lisa, because it sure as f*ck wasn’t his Botox-stealing, sex-crazed mess of a mother.
Lisa tells Andros James isn’t drinking because he’s supposed to be concentrating on what he’s doing. Andros protests, “He’s the guvnor, he’s the guvnor.”
Lisa replies, “Uh, no. I’m the guvnor.”
Meanwhile, KFC and the gang are setting up for Jax’s 38th birthday bash at the Hooters where KFC used to work . We get a flashback of KFC, who looks like an entirely different person now. Flashing forward, KFC is wearing an unfortunate tank top that makes her nipples look like they have some sort of hillbilly disease.
Lalz and Schænə come in and tell her she looks hot. KFC says everyone’s asking her why she wants to have these parties for Jax’s birthday, but her mom told her that if she wants to go ahead with this relationship, she needs to put in 100%, and not dwell on the past.
In come Stassi, Katie and Schwa. Stassi interviews, “Just a reminder, when Jax cheated on me, I threw all of his shit out, moved out of the apartment, drank his Crystal —
– yeah, so I’m not really understanding why two months later, Brittany’s throwing him a massive birthday party.”
In comes Jax, who says this is the perfect birthday party for his inner child, who went to Hooters when he was 15 with his dad. “Nothing better than turning 38 and going to Hooters.” The Witches chat about underboob sweat, then Schænə decides to talk to Jax about the Rob rumor. She sits down with him, and asks drunkenly, “Did Rob really say he loves me but he’s not in love with me?” Jax says, “Well, has he said I love you yet?” Schænə says, “Absolutely.”
“Well, he told us something different, then,” says Jax.
“He said verbatim, ‘I am not in love with Schænə’? He said that?”
“From what I remember,” says Jax.
Schænə interviews, “Rob and I are not the kind of people who end every phone conversation with the routine ‘I love you’. There’s so much more meaning behind it when you’re not saying it constantly.” For sure. And there’s even more meaning when you’re not saying it at all. Then she starts nattering on about how eventually they’re going to get married, yeah, maybe slower than she would want, because… Just then, Jax jumps in and says, “That’s it! That’s it right there!”
“Let me finish my sentence,” says Schænəshay .
“That’s exactly what I mean!” he butts in, then he interviews, “She wants to think that Rob is perfect, she wants to think that her relationship is perfect, she wants to think that her whole life is perfect. You know what? This is real life, it’s not just some happy Instagram story.” Schænə takes off in a huff.
Now the Toms give Jax his gift, a khaki male safari romper. They chant, “Put it on! Put it on!” then they pull out rompers for themselves. Schwa interviews, “If I have to wear a male romper to see Jax in a male romper, well, that’s a price I’m willing to pay.”
KFC says Jax looks like he works for UPS, and he jokes, “I’ve got a package to deliver!”
Stassi and Billie are visiting Kristen, who is cooking in an apron. All excited, Billie tells them yesterday Jeremy asked her out on a date. On hearing the news, Kristen and Stassi look at each other in a totally bitchy way, and Stassi says, “You’re going to a public place, right?”
“Yeah,” says Billie. “Why?!”
Stassi says, “He’s a little creepy,” and then we get a flashback to Katie’s wedding, where apparently he was coming on to Stassi and all the kajillions of bridesmaids, whichever was in his line of vision. Stassi said he would not leave her alone, and it gave her a really sick feeling in her stomach.
Kristen says she’s worried that Jeremy might just wanna f*ck her, and that’s why he’s asked her on a date. Billie says, “I’m down to just get f*cked, like, I just got out of a serious relationship.”
“Like, yolo,” nods Kristen approvingly.
KFC and Schænəshay are out for drinks, and now it’s time for Schænənənnənnnnəəə to implement Phase I of Operation Screw Jax. But first, KFC wants to make sure Schænə cleared things up with Jax. “We did,” says Schænə, “Although I was super annoyed, because I know Rob would never say those things.”
Then she asks how KFC and Jax are doing, are they still fighting? “No, we’re doing a lot better,” says KFC. Schænə says, “You definitely seem a lot better, but, I want you to be, like, this happy,” she says, pointing at herself.
“I know, I do too,” says KFC.
“Cuz that’s what you deserve,” says Schænə. “Well, in the meantime, we can still go out with cute boys and have fun.”
“Oh God,” laughs KFC, “Jax would really luv ya if he finds out about that.” Then Schænə says, “I’m just saying, there are options, and a lot of people have asked about you.” KFC buys into it hook, line and sinker. She interviews, “Hello, your girlfriend is still really hot. So either buck up or sit down, Jax.”
“I wonder if his ears are ringing,” says Schænə. KFC asks, “Who, Rob?” Scheana says, “No, Adam, the hot new guy at SUR. I was going to talk to you about him, he just asked about you.”
”Shoot, Wes, just can’t get that KFC off my mind”
“Why?” asks Brit.
“Because you guys did break up.” They did? “And everyone at SUR knew that, and, like, he didn’t know, like, where you were at, and, I mean, we can, like, go out, just to see.”
Meanwhile, at Tom Tom, the Toms stop at the excavation site outside and briefly contemplate taking a few scoops of dirt. Inside, Lisa notices Schwa’s sandals, and says he looks like he’s dressed for Saint-Tropez. Schwa says he loves sandals, and we get a series of flashbacks of him wearing sandals to various events, such as the ceremonial Wedding Cake Toss & Retrieval.
He interviews, “I hope Ken and Lisa aren’t expecting me to wear shoes, because honestly, that might be a deal breaker.”
Now Sandy gets on their cases about the construction of the bar. He wants to make sure the ice wells are definitely in the middle. Lisa says, “He’s built more bars than you’ve had hot dinners.” Lovely retro dig at Ariana, I must say. Then she interviews, “I learned about the restaurant business from the best. And luckily, I’m married to the best, so I have private lessons with Mr. Ken Todd.” How about that, well-schooled, lucky, and privileged up the wazoo, dahling. And, Ken’s had scads more hot meals than he’s built bars, not that Lisa had to cook them. Nobody does it like LVP.
Lisa tells the Toms that the best thing to do is go drinking all around town, and take their favorite cocktail from each joint, then they’ll have all these amazing cocktails no one’s seen before that they can put their own twist on. Now Sandy jumps in and insists they need a drink with dry ice, so they can have that smoky thing happening.
They brush him off, then Lisa says, “Okay, I’m so hot right now, is there anything imperative that we need to talk about?” Schwa playfully fans her while she jokes, “Down on your knees with a fan.”
Now we go to Schænə’s closet, where Lala and Billie are visiting. Lala calls Schænə “She-shoo”. Schænə has these pics of her and Rob in there, featuring hilarious body language.
Also in this scene, we get a good view of Schænə’s tramp stamp.
So Schænə’s dressing Billie for her date, and has pulled some options. She says, “It is like a cazh place,” then tries to talk Billie into a ‘super cute’ floor-length lavender gown. Schænə interviews that she thinks Billie and Jeremy are perfect for each other, because they’re already friends and they both smoke weed.
Billie tells them what happened at Kristen’s. She says they were asking if she’s meeting him in public, even though he’s not a stranger, then she says they were like, “Oh, he’s tried to date everyone.” Schænə says, “Never tried to date me.” Lala says, “Never tried to date me.”
Lala says she’s trying to be nice, but this kind of thing really burns her up. “You’re squashing Billie’s excitement,” she interviews. “I’m not okay with that.” They tell Billie how hot her body is, and how awesome and supple her breasts are.
Billie chooses a green romper.
Lala has kindly agreed to have a drink with Billie before Jeremy shows up, for which Billie is extremely grateful. Jeremy arrives, and Lalz takes off. He asks what’s up, and Billie says she was a little nervous earlier. Jeremy says, “Really? Don’t be nervous.”
Billie says, “My thing is that because even for you, because I am trans, I just don’t want people to talk or put you in a weird situation.” Then Jeremy says an awesome thing. He says, “For me, it’s like, so fucking what? You know? You’re a f*cking woman now, and you deserve to be acknowledged as a woman. That’s what you are. And everyone else can fuck off.”
“Yes!” says Billie. “Why are you so dope?”
On to James, who’s having a drink with his dad. He says it’s nice to have his foot back in the door. Andros says, “You’re getting known out there. That’s what’s important. It’s where your heritage is, right?”
They talk about how George Michael christened James, dipped him in the holy water and spat on him. Andros says, “It means, you take my skills from my life, I give them to you.” James says the fact that George Michael was his godfather is the reason why he’s so obsessed with making it, and is so into the LA scene, and just being someone that matters.
Andros asks what James is working on these days. James launches into a rap that goes, “Picked up, put down, don’t get hurt when you’re lost in the gong cuz we’re gonna get kicked up kicked down,” which he and Lala are working on together. He says he knows they’re gonna be on the fucking Grammy stage one day, him and Lalz.
Now James interviews about his dad losing everything when he fell out with George Michael — first went the Mercedes, then the Range Rover, then their big house. Then they moved to a chic apartment, then lost that, and the next thing, they were living on top of a pub. He thinks that’s definitely part of why his mum and dad are broken up.
His dad recalls when he was 3, he put him in the studio for some mixing.
Then James breaks down, because he misses his dad.
Back at SUR, we learn that Maxie earned a $2000 dollar tip the night before. Lisa’s really proud of him. Now she wants to know why Ariana looks so angst-ridden. Ariana shares that Stassi was saying really bad things about Jeremy. Lisa says, “I mean, he just saved SUR from burning down. And she’s the girl that sent me a letter that said she was going to burn it down.”
So this is a letter that was featured in passing on the season 1 behind-the-scenes episode. Here is Stassi addressing it (ar-ar) in her own words, on her podcast in 2016:
Well, I did do that, but it sounds a little more intense than it was. I didn’t send a letter to the restaurant or to SUR or to Lisa. She never got it. I sent one to one of my friends who was the manager — and she’s actually still a really good friend of mine — and we got in a big fight. I just said, ‘I could burn this restaurant down.’ And I guess you shouldn’t say that ever because then that was passed along to Guillermo and Nathalie and Ken and Lisa. And yes, so Ken and Lisa then got involved and basically were like, ‘You might be fired soon, we might have to sue, we might have to file legal action.’ I was scared sh*tless.
I was so scared that when Ken emailed me, Kristen actually wrote my response to him via email because I was terrified, I couldn’t handle it. I never thought that they would see that. So yeah, I didn’t. I mean, I did and I didn’t. I guess I did. It wasn’t meant for anybody to see. I didn’t say, ‘I’m going to burn the…’ Whatever, I made a point. I guess that’s all that matters, you know? You sometimes need to make a point.”
Haha, great story!
Kinda explains why Ariana might burn down SUR, doesn’t it? Now Lisa goes to find that lovely boy Jeremy, and slip him a nice little discreet wad of cash. She admits she misjudged him in the past, due to his pesky rap sheet, but no longer, now that Jeremy’s a hero, not to mention a totally dope date.
Now the dueling Vanderbitch cliques meet at the Red Lion, and crowd around this tiny table for Ladies’ Night. In the course of this scene, we discover the ladies have decided they’re going to give Ariana’s vagina a “The One” label of its own. So they’re settling into their seats, and Stassi asks how Ariana’s vagina is.
We flash back to the laser treatment session, with Ariana happily flashing her pixelated vagina for all the world to see, with such confidence, it’s almost like she was pretending she didn’t like her vagina, while secretly being unable to stop wanking off about it. In this flashback, Lala exclaims that Ariana’s vag is so incredibly beautiful, that if Lala had that vagina, she’d be a porn star, instead of a sugar baby / retired yacht ho.
Back to the here-and-now, Kristen says, “So, survey says you have a good-looking vagina.” Just then, Schænə comes in for the steal, slurring that they both have very pretty vaginas, so she’ll take it. The camera pans the table, and we see the faces of the Witches, in various states of schadenfreudian glee.
Lalz and KFC stare at Schænə and moan. Ariana’s face falls, and she hollers, “Schænə!”
Ha! That’s like, the coolest thing Schænə’s ever done. Makes me almost wanna be friends with her again. Now Lala says there’s an elephant in the room that needs addressing, and it’s not Ariana’s vagina. “Stassi, man,” she says, “I like you a lot, baby, but why would you say to Billie when she’s going on a date with Jeremy that you hope that it’s in public?”
Stassi’s eyes bug out, and she sputters, “We both literally said, ‘Go, and have so much fun!'”
“That’s not the way she explained it to us yesterday,” slurs Schænə, who seems to be sh*t-face drunk in every scene now. “She said you were talking about him as if he was a murderer.”
“Oh my God, that is so annoying,” says Stassi. Katie says that she had numerous girlfriends at her wedding saying that he was creeping. “Sorry, no offense,” she says, “but that’s what was happening. He was predatory at my wedding.”
Ariana says for Katie to use that word about her brother is disgusting, and if her eyes could literally melt the skin off of Katie’s face, she would do it, which is a far more disgusting — even disturbing — thing to say, let’s be real. Ariana says she was hanging out with Jeremy the whole night. Katie says, “No you weren’t, so maybe be an advocate for those who can’t speak for themselves right now.”
“Ohhhhhh, okay,” says Ariana. “So apparently now I don’t stand up for other women, okay. Cool. Thanks, Katie. Good job.”
Katie says, “You completely misheard me. Like, did I stutter?” Then Ariana starts in on one of her rants about how this isn’t a group of her friends she was wanting to hang out with in the f*cking first place. Katie says, “I know, you’ve made that very clear that we’re not your friends. Over and over.”
Lala hugs and comforts Ariana, who says, “They’re about to get to a place they will NEVER come back from with me. NEVER!” Then she jumps up and vanishes in a puff of smoke, good-lookin’ vag and all.
Killer Ladies’ Night.
The next day, over at Jax and Brit’s, we find out that KFC bought an electric drum kit for Jax’s birthday. Sandy interviews, “Brittany has done a lot for Jax’s birthday this year. Had a big party for him at Hooters, bought him an electric drum kit, I bet Jax is thinking, Hmm, maybe I should cheat on Brittany again before my 39th birthday, see what I get then.”
They jam a bit —
— then Sandy says he needs to go talk to Katie, because Stassi was saying bad things about Jeremy that he knows for a fact were complete and utter bullshit.
At that very moment over at Schwa’s, the Witches have assembled to make perfume. Just then, in barges Sandy to confront them. “What did you say about Jeremy?” he demands to know.
Kristen and Stassi tell him they said Jeremy was creepy, and asked if Billie was meeting him in a public place. Sandy shouts that poor Jeremy has had a lot to deal with since he beat up his ex-girlfriend a bunch of times in Florida.
“Then he probably shouldn’t act creepy,” says Stassi. Sandy says the talk about Jeremy needs to stop now. Stassi gets up and says she’s so sick of protecting men. “Excuse me?! Excuse me?!” sputters Sandy. “It’s not fucking true! So you better fucking watch yourself!” Kristen interviews Sandy wouldn’t know if it was true or not, because he was so busy playing his mini-trumpet.
Had a nice ring to it
“All of you better fucking watch yourself!” hollers Sandy, making sure they’re good and threatened.
Katie asks if there’s something else Sandy came here for other than threatening her in her home, because if that’s all he came here for, then he can just fucking leave. Sandy says, “You need to check your fucking facts. You guys make up lies? I’ll start telling truths about you guys!”
Meanwhile, down the hall, Jax is happily wailing on the drums when KFC’s dad Don calls. She’s been avoiding him because of the bad news, but she goes ahead and tells him. Don says, “Well, it doesn’t surprise me, he’s that type. He can’t help himself. He has no control.”
Jax comes in, and KFC tells him what Don said, then says she hopes Mamaw doesn’t find out, because that would really break her heart.
Hide the TVs!
So, due to bro code, Jax is not upset at Don for disparaging him, he’s upset at Brittany, for airing their dirty laundry, so he retaliates. “You’re not perfect, either,” he says. “There’s a reason they called you Brattany when you were young.”
She says she knows she’s not perfect, but she would never cheat on him. She interviews, “My imperfections are forgetting to take the dog out, or taking one too many tequila shots, not fucking one of my friends.” — except Kristen.
Jax says, “Don’t you want to live your life, and be happy? I mean, if you’re not happy, then maybe you need to move on.” Because frankly, girlfriends are a dime a dozen, and he’s already scored the electric drum kit.
It’s time for KFC’s group date with Adam. Lala, Ariana and Schænə meet up first. Schænə says Adam and his whole group of friends all think Brittany is hot as f*ck, and she doesn’t think KFC knows that anymore.
KFC shows up, and they tell her she looks so hot, “Hey, hottie! Dayum! Lookin’ good! Look at YOU!” they say, which she totally sucks up, paying little heed to the old maxim — if bitches like these pay you a compliment, you know you’re in trouble.
Schænə says Jax is a sh*tty person who doesn’t deserve to be in a relationship with Brittany. Now that the girls are joined by Billie, Jeremy, and Adam, Lala shares that she smoothed things over with Stassi. They had a little chat off-camera, and apparently Lalz said to her, “I just don’t think you’re out to fucking get people.”
Ariana reacts with a well-schooled ‘funny-face of disbelief’.
“There has been no point in the years that I’ve known Stassi that she’s not been out to get someone,” says the most vindictive, psycho, man-stealing, woman-hating, self-absorbed attack dog VPR has ever seen. Schænə says, “Everyone who’s been personally victimized by Stassi Schroeder raise your hand.” She, Ariana, and poor widdle Jeremy raise their hands.
KFC says, “Guys, come on,” to which Jeremy says, “Imagine how you would feel. But that being said, I know you stick up for me.” He and Adam fist bump. Schænə says this is Adam’s SUR initiation. Adam says he’s having a great time halfheartedly feigning interest in KFC while bro-bonding with Jeremy.
Now Schænə pulls KFC aside, and says vehemently, “You look hot as fuck.” Then she says, “You are the best fucking person ever.” (As measured in total poundage.) “And you deserve the world. And he’s not giving it to you, and I don’t think he ever will.” KFC says but she loves Jax, and she can’t just turn that off.
“You wanna be me?” says Schænə, her voice rising to a fever pitch. “Thirty two, divorced, no kids, no progress, half your jaw missing, bat-shit crazy?” She interviews, “I know better than anyone what it’s like to wake up every day and lie to yourself.”
KFC says her brain and her heart argue every day — probably with her wallet. Schænə says, “You know you’re better than that, you know you deserve better.” And that’s where we leave things for now.
Next on VPR, it’s Mexico, baby! Stay tuned…
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