Hello Trash Bags!
I’m not sure what is making me more angry today. The fact that I am watching Summer House in an F*%&ING blizzard, or the fact that I discovered that my speaking voice is 100% Lindsay Hubbard. Currently terrified.
LET’S RIP AND TEAR!
Carl does the “Previously On…” so I’m already scared. Don’t worry guys. It’s not about him, thank God. This is a Lindsay-heavy episode, which I love, but there is a hometown visit with Stephen. Hence, I can’t deal. He was literally my fave last season and now I hate the ground that quakes below his big club feet. Why? Oh, probably because he was barely featured and now his true bitchiness has come to the surface. Don’t get me wrong. I love a raging bitch. I AM one for crying out loud! He is just zero fun. UGH! He drains the life out of me. Oh, B T dubs, I don’t think Stephen is fat, I’ve just been brainwashed to think so. SAWRY!!
Did you guys ever notice that it says “City to Beach” in the opening credits? Okay. It’s official. I have cabin fever. So, it’s Sunday and we are still at Kyle’s 35th birthday party. Amanda is fake peeing into Stephen’s mouth with bagged wine and everyone is partying when Everett walks in. DUN DUN DUN!!!!!!!!! Lindsay sees him in his Red Coat outfit and she tells us that she’s gonna show him who’s boss. DUH! We all know that it is Tony Danza. Or actually, it was Judith Light.
Someone stupid, must be Carl, says, “Triumvirate is back!” That’s what they wrote on the screen. I’d say, “TriumVERETTE,” but that’s just me. Who am I? Quinn from UnReal? Lindsay approaches Everett and they head off into the woods. He lays down his jacket so she can sit, and EVERYONE at the party watches. Some ghost is pissed that she is walking off with him, and states, “We were rooting for you!” Oh, that was Danielle. We forget she exists….or hope she dies.
I want to scream at the whole crew, “GET A LIFE!” because they are beyond invested in Lindsay and Everett walking into the woods. I WOULD care if it was an episode of Scare Tactics. Remember that show? God, it was hilarious. So they go into the woods for a heart-to-heart and, of course, stupid McGee wants to spoil it with his blow horn. Lindsay tells us that she’s going to take his apology with a grain of salt. Actually, with Salt Lake City. Good one Lindz.
So my girl Lindz, tells Everett that she is not going to give him her life unless he proves that he can be trusted. He assures her that he will be good to her and in two shakes of a lamb’s tail, she asks him to F her. He obliges and all is right in the world.
HUMP OUR HEROES
Let’s get back to the party. Amanda asks who wants to slap the bag. Stop gay bashing Amanda! Carl says “more life” and Kyle is so wasted that he proceeds to dump 40 pounds of tea into the pool! Holy shitballs! This made me nervous, as that is one hell of a cleanup! As drunk as she is, Amanda had my same panic and tells Kyle that they will have to drain the pool. He laughs it off, obvi.
YOU’LL REGRET THIS TOMORROW
They bring out a cake for Kyle and the party begins to wind down. Danielle says goodbye to her DJ pal and they ask, “Who shit in the pool?” The pool is full of tea and completely green. Cut to Carl swimming in it like the lump of shit that he is.
This has been quite the rager, as everyone is gone by 5 PM. Everett talks to Whiny McGee about his annoying wig, and McGee says, “YOU have costume frustrations?!” Uh, hi. You’re the one who chose to dress as a broken down queen of hearts.
QUEEN OF THE BITCHES
Okay guys, the party was fun and all, but this is where the real festivities begin. Crazy Lindsay is back! Praise Jesus! So, Everett told her that she’d be his number one. Well, guess what guys. Everett had the audacity to speak to his other friends. What an a-hole. Lindz goes from zero to pissed in less than one second. I was living for it, but Lauren was so confused. She tried to reason with Crazy Lindsay and it might have been my favorite scene in television history. Miscommunication to the max.
It’s 7:21 PM and Lindsay has lost her mind. Amanda and Kyle come out in towels and Amanda asks if maybe this is the wrong time for Lindsay’s mental breakdown, considering it’s Kyle’s birthday. Umm, she’s not having it and Carl pulls Everett outside. Lindsay claps back and says that’s great considering what a great role model Carl is. Ooh, nice burn Lindz!
While this is going on in the kitchen, Stephen is in his full costume in the Jacuzzi. Super annoying. Oh, can I ask a serious question? So, Carl can’t show his abs to some chick on Facetime, but Lauren can roam around with her boob hanging out at all times? I don’t get it.
ONE BIG TITTY OUT COMMITTEE
Lindsay is pissed and Everett leaves. Carl drops a glass and is sweeping it up when Lindsay walks by and tells him that he’s on her shit list. He doesn’t understand why and Lindsay is in no mood to explain. Stephen gets a booty call from Travis at midnight and heads out to bone.
He returns at 7:36 AM grabs some pizza and goes to bed. Kyle is up first like a champ, and lets everyone know that it’s time to clean. He hires some guys to come clean the tea infested pool and they are pretty cute about it, saying that they just need to add some milk and sugar. Lindsay gets up and apologizes for her behavior and they all say it’s going to be a bad Monday at work. Umm, it’s like 10:30 AM and they aren’t done cleaning and have quite the drive ahead of them. Don’t act like your going to work.
It’s Tuesday and we are back in New York City. I never really care about these scenes, but we meet Danielle’s mom. This is pretty uneventful, as most Danielle scenes are. I spent the time trying to read what was on her GIANT chalkboard in the background.
Stephen heads home to visit the family in Alabama. He’s greeted by a giant dog and goes to eat at Fatboy’s. No comment.
WHO HAS WORSE HAIR?
More importantly, it’s Lindsay’s 30th birthday! She feels kinda bad for flipping out on everyone last weekend, so she supplies the gang with a bunch of booze for her Hubbana Nights birthday party. Her last name is Hubbard and she’s playing off Havana Nights, if you didn’t get that. She loves her last name because it has two B’s, just like her!
Oh yeah, Amit is back too. Raise your hand if you care, or realized he was gone.
Back in Alabama, Stephen is going out to get honey from his dad’s hives in a full bee suit. This is honestly my worst nightmare, but I guess it was an entertaining scene.
THINK HE’S PART OF THE BEY HIVE?
Meanwhile, the rest of the gang is taking a party bus back to the house. They are getting wasted and dancing and making out with each other. Guess who has her boob out! Ugh. Put them away Lauren! Lauren sticks her tongue down Amit and Amanda’s throats and Carl sits there calmly. If it was vice versa, shit would have gone down for sure. Kyle pees into a wine bottle and Amanda gets super embarassed. Uh, it’s like a three hour drive, right? You can’t drink that much and not have to go number 1. Relax Amanda.
They get back to the house and Amanda is still pissed about the pee and someone pours it out. Event planner, Lindz, has planned a great party and everyone is enjoying themselves. Carl gives Lauren a compliment about her dress and she says, “It’s a jumpsuit.” I loved her bitchiness, but then she has a shot with him at the bar. Stop Lauren!
Okay, so Kyle knows that Everett has written Lindsay a love letter and he is sending flowers that just got delivered. He grabs them from the delivery man and takes them upstairs. Don’t worry, he totally eats shit on the way up and drops them…magical.
Kyle is completely wasted and so is Lindsay. He delivers the broken down bouquet to the birthday girl but she wants no part of it. She wants to throw them over the balcony and she doesn’t want the love letter. Who writes a love letter these days? An argument begins to brew and Amanda and Amit just want to eat the lobster and not be involved. Well, duh. That lobster looked damn good. Also, shut up Amit. You are furniture.
DON’T F WITH LINDZ
Well, we head back to Alabama to catch up with Stephen and he has a bit of a heart-to-heart with his family. Now, I’ve given him quite a bit of shit over the last two episodes because he’s been a whiny brat that is beyond not fun. I kinda assumed that he was overreacting about his family. Who would want to hang with someone as miserable as he it? Well, I was wrong about his family. They are backwards assholes. Being gay is not a choice. I assume anyone who is reading this agrees. If you don’t…come at me!
Love you people! See ya next week at the house!
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