Woo! We made it! It’s the last episode of this complete dud of a season! I had such high hopes for Nick after watching him on Paradise. I made no secret that I never cared for him as a contestant on The Bachelorette (both times), but, when he wasn’t competing with 25 other guys for the same girl, he came across as really awesome and charming. Then we got this season. I wonder if this cast was chosen for Luke, and, when the producers decided on Nick, they just said, “Eh, it doesn’t matter. No one thinks they’ll actually get married.” With that out of the way, let’s get right to snarking!
We open up with Chris Harrison and a live studio audience promising us that something “historic” will happen tonight on “After the Final Rose.” Spoiler: It’s not all that interesting. So, let’s cut right to Nick’s “journey.”
This is a very silly journey.
He meets with his family who have come all the way to Finland just to give him advice on picking the woman he’ll
be fake engaged to for a few months marry.
Worst case scenario, they got a free trip to Finland.
The discussion is really unsurprising. Nick doesn’t want to leave brokenhearted (again), his parents just want what’s best for him, and he’s not sure who he’s going to choose. Oh, and Raven is here! They just talk about the last time she met Nick’s family and more stuff about Kaitlyn and Andi.
Even Bella needs a drink.
After some Googling, it turns out that the drinking age in Finland is 18 and offering alcohol to a minor is a criminal offense. So, yeah. Way to go, ABC. Anyway, drunken Bella is the first to talk to Raven alone and says that she hopes Nick picks her. Raven then tells Bella that she won’t like Vanessa. I’m just impressed by all the shade that Raven is throwing here. Wasn’t she the sweet one? I think that Bella and Raven get along so well because they’re closer in age than Nick and Raven are.
The rest of the conversations are the same old stuff. Raven is in love, she thinks Nick is falling in love, and she only wants him to say it if she’s the only woman standing. Nick’s dad didn’t expect Raven to be so mature, but he can see Raven being a part of the family.
And Nick’s mom always seems to be on the verge of tears.
Now it’s time for Nick’s family to meet Vanessa. She just says the same thing she does every time she talks about herself: she’s from Canada, she’s Italian, and she’s a special needs teacher. Also, she wants Nick to always look at her the way he looked at her after she vomited on the zero gravity plane. Vanessa talks to Nick’s mom to see if they’re rushing into things and if they should slow down a little bit. Seriously? Is this really a question? At the end of this, they’ll have been on like five dates. Yes, they’re rushing into it.
Vanessa still has no idea what show she’s on.
I really don’t think Nick’s family likes Vanessa as much as they like Raven. When Vanessa leaves, Nick talks to his family about his final two ladies and, for some reason, is still talking about the other times he’s on this show.
Nick’s mom is still crying over Andi and Kaitlyn.
We move on to Lapland where Nick and Vanessa will have their final date. They just go horseback riding and, force once, they seem genuinely happy to be around one another. That may have something to do with the fact that they’re not actually talking to one another very much.
And Santa is here for some reason.
Santa gives them a wood carving of the two of them with the symbols for happiness and fertility. Vanessa takes this as a good sign. I take this to be producer driven. And now it’s time for the super serious conversations. I get that there are important things to talk about here, but we haven’t seen Vanessa and Nick have an actual fun and light conversation. They seem to be all serious all the time. At one point, Vanessa asks Nick what his type is:
Of course this all ends with Vanessa being unhappy because Nick can’t just come out and say, “I’m totally going to propose to you.” I understand why this would be frustrating to her, but she knew what she was getting herself into with all of this. Later that evening, Nick and Vanessa are just having more serious talks. I’m exhausted just watching them, so it must be such a chore to actually be in this relationship.
Nick seems super over it at this point.
The next day, Nick meets with Raven because he clearly needs a break from the intensity that is Vanessa. They go ice skating because that’s their thing. And to make sure we don’t forget that this is similar to their first date, the producers are sure to play “Kiss Me” by Sixpence None the Richer. I honestly don’t think that Nick and Rave would work out long term, but he seems to be so much happier around her than he is with Vanessa.
Raven is the anti-Vanessa.
And puppies are way better than Santa!
The conversation later in the evening is, as expected, the opposite of Nick’s conversation with Vanessa. Although Raven doesn’t like that she’s not the only woman left, she completely understands how this show works. She’s ready to be engaged to Nick and she just wants him to know that.
Once the dates are over, it’s time for Nick to pick out his ring and give some advertising to Neil Lane and his super gaudy rings.
“Hi, Nick. Which ring will you be giving back to me this time?”
Let’s get right to the dumping/proposal! Raven arrives first (which means she’s getting dumped). To add insult to injury:
They make her wear open toed shoes in the show!
The dumping goes as they always do. Raven pours her heart out first.
And Nick has the worst poker face ever.
And Raven knows exactly what’s about to happen.
Nick’s reasons are the same as every other Bachelor. He cares about Raven, but his heart “is somewhere else.” It’s weird – Nick cries like crazy, but Raven barely sheds a tear. Do you think she’s getting ready to beat him with a stiletto? When Nick says, “I’m gonna miss you,” Raven gives a wonderful, “I know.” I wasn’t crazy about her for Nick, but damn, I kind of want to be friends with Raven now.
And now it’s time for Nick to propose to Vanessa, but we’re going to pretend that there’s a chance that she won’t say yes. Nick speaks first and I can’t help but be confused about her lipstick. They obviously reshot this at some point.
This is Vanessa’s nude lipstick while Nick is talking to her.
And here is her berry lipstick while she’s talking to Nick.
Then it’s nude again halfway through her speech.
The editors are getting sloppy. Anyway, Nick proposes and Vanessa says yes.
No one is shocked by this, right?
OK, so with Vanessa’s “Let’s go do it…literally” awkwardness, it’s time to move on to “After the Final Rose.”
Nick talks to Raven first and the amount of shade that she’s throwing is amazing. When Chris Harrison asks her fir she thinks Nick and Vanessa will get married, she just says some vaguely nice things but doesn’t actually say “yes.”
Raven needs to be my new best friend.
This segment ends with Raven agreeing to go on Paradise. And with that, I can almost hear all of JoJo’s rejects sliding into Raven’s DMs on Twitter and Instagram.
After that, Vanessa comes out to talk to Chris Harrison. I have a really hard time following what she’s saying about her relationship with Nick.
Vanessa sounds like she’s trying really hard to convince herself that she’s happy.
Nick comes out to join his fiancee, and things seem a little weird. They don’t rewatch their proposal like past couples have. They also talk about how they’ve had their struggles. Yeah, that is not something you should be saying about a relationship that’s only four months old.
Look how happy these two are!
So, it’s time for Nick to get off the stage because no one cares anymore. Chris Harrison said it perfectly – Rachel is the queen! The moment they announced her as the Bachelorette, I gave up caring about this season. My first thought was, “Yay! Rachel will be awesome!” My next thought was, “Wait, remember when we all loved JoJo? I really hope I don’t end up hating Rachel.”
This is where we get the historic announcement: Rachel will be meeting four of her guys tonight. Ah, yes. It’s one of those truly historic moments: the fall of the Berlin Wall, the Cuban Missile Crisis, the assassination of Abraham Lincoln, and a reality start meeting her contestants. The producers and I have very different definitions of “historic.” My guess is there are all dudes who were cast as filler. One of the white guys (Dean) even throws out, “I’m about to go black and never go back.” I cringed so hard for Rachel.
THIS WOMAN DESERVES BETTER THAN THAT!
Anyway, that’s where this season ends. So, what do you think Trashies? Were you as disappointed by all of this as I was? Are you just excited to get started with Rachel’s season? Sound off in the comments below and feel free to join me as I cover Dancing with the Stars starting next Monday!
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