Hey Trash Bags!
It’s Labor Day weekend, so our summer is officially over…tear. Kyle fills us in on what has gone down all summer in Montauk, and we continue with him and Amanda chatting about his indiscretions on the patio. Well, sorry Amanda, but Kyle has been the kissing bandit all summer, well, when you weren’t around. He made out with Jaclyn, dumb Darya and a few others, if memory serves. She is pretty pissed, but, I don’t really know why. Like the famous Ross and Rachel debate of 1996, THEY WERE ON A BREAK! Why is he telling her this, and why does she care? Moving on…
It’s Saturday and the whole gang is poolside, playing beer pong. Carl gets into town, so Lauren is stoked. While everyone is doing their hair and makeup, Everett wants to have a chat with Lindsay…ugh. There’s no fighting in Summer House on the last weekend! Well, guess what. No fights. Everett asks Lindsay to move in with him, and of course, she accepts. BOOOOORING! She thinks she’ll be cleaning the entire time, and they have a 50/50 shot of making it. I’m no mathematician, but, my equation comes to (carry the 4) 99 to 1. I may no longer live in Vegas…but, I know my odds.
So, The Hopper shows up (no, not Dennis) to take them to some end of summer, white party. It’s a blue bus people…I’m grateful that there is no stripper pole for Jaclyn to devour. The party looks fun. There are mermaids, shots in syringes, and of course, Rose. Ugh…I never want Rose again after this show! Although, I never drink it anyway, so whateves. Oh yeah, and there is some weird girl band, whose name I didn’t catch. If it’s not Danity Kane or a Destiny’s Child reunion performance…they can take a very large seat.
Well, thanks a lot stupid lady band. They definitely cause a stir! Everyone is watching their weird, awkward, performance of some garbage song, when Cristina makes the worst mistake of her life. She comments that they are totally lip syncing. Well, you guessed it! She is beginning to dig herself a brand new hole, with a brand new enemy. She IS talking kinda loud, and Kyle tells her to take it down a notch. This, coming from the guy who is wasted off about 40 shot syringes. Anyway, they get into it. Kyle is convinced that the idiots aren’t lip syncing, and Cristina is certain that they are. Mostly, Kyle just wants her to keep her voice down, but she doesn’t, and he ends up calling her and Amanda stupid. GASP! Stupid?! I’ve been called FAAAAAAAAAAAR worse and not even got upset. So, Amanda and Cristina go inside to discuss what a dick Kyle is, and who is right there to get into the mix? Yup. Lindsay. She informs Kyle that he should get in there, because stupid Cristina is probably going to fill Amanda’s head with more lies (truths) about what Kyle has been up to all summer. Kyle goes inside to run interference because he would rather have Amanda talk to a bush then Cristina. No comment. Both girls are upset and Kyle tells “Reporter Gibson” to stay out of his relationship. For Christ’s sake! Do they not think that Beiber sings to a background track? Hey Kyle…I’ve liked you all season. DO NOT bring the Beibs into this!
LEAVE ME OUTTA THIS
Everyone else discusses this outside at the party, meanwhile, Lauren is practically humping Carl on a chair in the corner. They actually look like quite the little couple. They are having a “deep” convo about how closed off he is and it’s because of his druggie brother and crappy dad. Blah blah…he tells her to give him all her weight AGAIN. That is so gross. Eww. I stopped listening to their dumb conversation, and luckily married twin came to break it up. Ashley needs some fuckin French toast!!!! Fine, it was pizza, but I love that Leslie Mann line.
It’s about 11:30pm and the gang is living it up in white…as they all are. Surprisingly Everett and Lindsay aren’t at each others throats! They are all dancing terribly, as they do, and married twin can still hang! The Wirkus Circus is not dead in Ashley. How long has she been married? Like a month? I’d hope not.
They get back to the house around 2AM, and although Lauren has told Carl earlier in the night that he can’t sleep out…he’s not with them. DUN DUN DUN!!!
DEAD MAN WALKING
Oh, I forgot. Amanda wasn’t feeling too well earlier, from all the syringes at the party, and the fact that she loves Kyle. Anyway, she stayed in and Kyle went out…of course. He was actually a good boy though (from what the camera’s caught) so this Carl debacle is pretty good for him
Carl sneaks into the house around 5:30 AM…with a rando girl. UH HO! Oops, that was a typo, but it’s suitable. Oh crap. This is going to be bad. He thinks he’s pretty slick and gets her out of the house a few hours later, undetected. HAHA! Yeah right. The ABSOLUTE WORST person sees him leave. Yep. Stephen. Now, Cristina has gotten a world of shit this season for being a meddler, while, in my opinion, Stephen has been the worst off all! He’s just better at it. He sees this go down and cant wait to let everyone know and watch the fireworks…popcorn in hand…or down his shirt. That ALWAYS happens to me too…damn popcorn!
IGNITE THE FLAME AND WALK AWAY
So, everyone is in the kitchen planning their day and recovering. Perfect opportunity for Stephen to spill the beans. He does, and, speaking of beans, Ashley needs a burrito with all the drama that has been going on. As Stephen is basking in the greatness of telling everyone that Carl came home with a girl and they just drove off together, Cristina emerges to pour more butter on Stephen’s already well salted and buttered movie theater popcorn. She comes down the stairs in her hideous bright orange outfit, walks right to Kyle and stares awkwardly. Umm, I guess she’s expecting an apology? I’ve had her back most season, but this chick is nutty. He actually does apologize for calling her stupid, but then the group piles on. Who do we think chimed in from the cheap seats? Our resident shit stirrer…Stephen. Everyone chimes in to bash the poor girl and then she has had enough. Like a little baby with their bottle she is DONZO! She takes her GIANT bottle of Rose and uses it as a microphone, as she says, “Cristina Gibson. Reporting live from the Summer House. I’m out.” I was hoping for a “Seacrest Out,” but I enjoyed it. Umm, no one really cares and they go about their day.
A MIC DROP WOULD HAVE BEEN A MESS
Carl comes back to the house with an IV Doc in tow. Ugh. So annoying. Him and Kyle lay out and talk about what a douche Carl is. Do they have traveling douche DR’s? A few girls in the house may need one. (Cough) Amanda. Blah Blah. It’s Sunday and Lindsay decides to call her mom that she hasn’t spoken to in 8 years. I’d totally want to do that on Labor Day weekend at the beach. Ugh. I guess it goes okay? The mom didn’t ask her anything about her life, so I’m nominating her for Mom of The Year! I don’t care about this story arc. Let it die.
Meanwhile, Stephen is all upset that someone broke his “Pegasus” floating unicorn. This puts this show in perspective. Lauren comes down to talk to Carl. I wouldn’t! Kick rocks asshole. More BS from him and she basically forgives him. I honestly could not care less anymore.
They have a last supper of sorts and Everett is on the grill. You’d think he’d be getting grilled by Lindsay, but, he’s just burning the lobster. Who gives a crap about the summer…I’d be pissed that little Sebastian from The Little Mermaid was scorched and that I couldn’t devour it. Idiot.
Lauren gives a sweet toast. They talk about the term “hot Carl” and I want to barf. I think I’m with Stephen. I think I heard all those weirdo terms in like fourth grade. Is that bad? Amanda gives the gang tequila for letting her stay there and dealing with the drama. Kyle gives her Trader Joe’s flowers for being “Most Patient.” Aren’t their flowers by that name? Why didn’t he get those? Oh, yeah, they’re “impatiens.” I’d probably get those. Can’t deal with lines.
They all go skinny dipping and have tear filled goodbyes the next day. Amanda and Kyle have become exclusive. He’s going to pull out his label maker and stick it to his chest! (Until Amanda is out of sight.) The twins hug and cry, and I don’t, because there are these things called airplanes, so they can visit. PS…GO LIVE WITH YOUR HUSBAND, MORON!!!!!
I’m devastated. Summer House is over. I hope Bravo brings it back!! Tons of fun. What is that Robin Leach saying again? Chopped salad and Rose dreams?!
Until next time..