Welcome back! This recap is an audiobook podcast available on iTunes, Stitcher, and Google Play. They’re free the week they’re released and then go to the premium feed. Find it at podbean. Thanks for the support!! xoxoxo – Ronnie
Previously on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Vanderpump agreed to forgive Rinna in return for her pride/eyelashes and Erika brought home leathery style gays and a private plane to intimidate her poverty stricken thespian mother into an apology.
We open at Villa Rosa. Hanky is alone in the pond, head held high. I’m worried for the other swans, cuz Hanky looks really confident as he floats in front of the statue he thinks is Ken. Did he finally besmirch his enemies?
Now I am your only son, father.
Ken’s watching Lisa pack for Hong Kong, mumbling supportive/romantic things. “You look glorious in that dress dahling you’re the pea in my pod the moon in my eye Hong Kong is lucky to have you I have a bobby pin stuck in my lint trap I only live for you”, etc.
Lisa is picking lots of loud Hong Kong Madame type outfits, ready to sell off any bitch that gives her lip into human trafficking. Proudly, she holds up a robe. “I’m taking Alexander McQueen! TO HONG KONG!” I can’t wait for his lip synch battle with Boy George, who will be hiding in Dorit’s fake Louis luggage.
She asks Ken what he’s gonna do without her in bed at night. His answer disturbs me.
Over at the Pasadena Prison, Mikey is circle snapping and squealing gravelly in Erika Jayne’s closet. “GLAM! BEAT DOWN! LOOK BOOK! YASSSS BETCH EVERYTHAAAANG!” He’s put together a book full of pictures for Erika to choose outfits from. “This? Needs a moment!” It’s a baby pink flowy robe with white fur wrists. I’m hoping she wears that to dinner and not to the dog meat festival, cuz she might get her wrists tortured and one thing a ho needs is her wrists.
Dorit is yapping at Underwear Nanny, who can stand her about as much as the rest of us. “Nanneh! It figyahs I’d agree ta go to Hongah Kongah, the place ah’ve been a thousand thames!” Bragging to your maid is one of the saddest things you can do. Keep it classy, World Traveller.
We’re lucky to have met Dorit after she’s been to England a couple of times. Her English accent is obnoxious, but she’ll be damn incoherent when she returns from Hong Kong. “Dong dong a ling dong, Nanneh!”
Lisa Rinna’s packing with her dog, Lola. “You like these shoes, baby?”
Harry Hamlin refuses to shoot scenes, most likely still embarrassed that he was forced to produce a blueberry pie on camera without blueberries from Canada. I don’t blame him. “Lola, don’t tell Harry about the shoes. They’re new! I bought em last week when I had the poopoos instead of going to Kyle’s jewish fat people party. Wanna try them on? How bout my first night dinner dress? You’re gonna be the most amazing Chihuahua in town, BABY! Here’s some nice underwear…”
Lola gets the fuck out of there.
“Lola! Lola baby? Lola come back MAMA NEEDS YOU BABY!”
It’s five AM at Vanderpump’s, and Dorit is greeted by the dog version of Kyle, Shnookie.
Why ahen’t ya wearin panties, Kyhle?
On the way to the airport, they try and decide where to sit. Dorit doesn’t wanna get stuck next to robot Erika, cuz she’s basically like an Amazon Echo that won’t do anything you tell it to do. “Alexa! Play me some Neil Diamond!”
Erika: Expn$vez expn$svz I don’t give a fuck expn$vz.
Vanderpump wants to sit next to Eileen so she can fall into a coma on the fourteen hour flight without having to waste an Ambien. She didn’t get her wish, and it wouldn’t have worked anyway because after Rinna gives everyone sleeping pills, Eileen is the only one awake for the whole flight. She tries to talk about her feelings to a stewardess, but the poor woman just leaves some peanuts and walks the hell away. Poor Eileen.
By the time the Xanax Smoothies wear off, we’re in Hong Kong! Oh look! Eileen gets to talk! She tells us that she loves a big lobby in a hotel. Don’t say she doesn’t earn her paycheck, people. That shit is riveting. I can’t wait to see her monologue when she finds a mint on her pillow tonight.
Vanderpump has the Presidential Suite. It’s an expense, but it’s important to be in a good position when she calls Trump to ask for more regulations in the dog sandwich market.
Dinner time! Vanderpump is the oldest, so she’s there first. Even rich people like an early bird special. She tries to make small talk with Dorit, which is the only kind of talk Dorit knows how to have.
Vanderpump: Dahling. What’s the Chinese custom? To buhp after a meal?
Dorit: Chinese nanny eats in the laundry closet, so ah’m not shuah!
Vanderpump: If anyone around us burps up Dalmation, I’m giving them a piece of my mind.
Dorit: How do the Chinese feel abaht bangs? Do ah heve thah gumpshun ta try them heah?
Thankfully, Erika arrives to break the monotony.
Vanderpump: Rita Hayworth?
Erika just looks at her like “Who the fuck is that? I’m a Chinese whore with cinnabons on her head and I don’t give a fuck.” She asks if the seat next to Dorit is taken and Dorit squeals “ERIKUH! Ya gonna seet bah mehhhhh? Ya like meh enough to sit next to mah? WHY ERIKAAAAH!”
Erika rolls her eyes and the rest of the ladies arrive. Kyle sees Erika’s Cinnabon hair and starts drooling all over the table. As Vanderpump wipes her mouth with her napkin, she groans as Rinna tells everyone she loves her room. “The carpet! The walls! The bedspread! It even has a room to go poddy in! So far China gets twelve stars, BABY!” Vanderpump says the hotel was supposed to put Rinna in the basement. She slowly blinks her eyes, which have Rinna’s lashes glued to them, and smiles.
Eden has big news. She’s a free spirit on a journey of self discovery and soothing of inner turmoil. So she’s flying that dude from Instagram to New York so she can bang him for a weekend. The ladies protest. A woman paying for a MAN? NOOOOOO! That’s not how this shit works. If she starts pulling crap like that, Beverly Hills’ economy will collapse. Dorit looks terrified at the notion. Or she’s just found a way to smuggle a brick of coke into Hong Kong.
The ladies start listing all the reasons Eden paying for a fuck trip is a bad idea. The guy could rob her (she’s not rich), he could take advantage of her (she’ll be waiting in bed naked), or he could murder her! She blinks her crazy Brandi Hamster eyes at them and squeals “I could murder HIM!” This makes sense to everyone, and it’s a totally believable scenario. They get off her back and decide they should find this London person and warn him instead.
Vanderpump says “W. T. F.”, which makes me laugh. “Why is she importing a man? Has she already gone through all of the Americans?” I would see your point, but you imported PK and Dorit to use as your lap dogs, so don’t be a hypocrite. There are plenty of shallow American famewhores who could have been mean to Eileen for you. This is why we’re building a wall.
Vanderpump announces that tomorrow she’ll be shooting her dog documentary and there will be some harsh videos so she doesn’t expect people to come. Dorit cuts in. “Why, we’ah heah fah yew, Vandapahmp! Ta suppaht ya! Of course ah’ll be thah!” Everyone else is like “K bye we’ll be shopping.”
Lisa is crying, kinda, and Eileen watches her. I’m guessing she’s feeling a little jeal right about now, because she’s been trying to talk about her goddamn feelings for months and no one will listen. Should she relate the losses of family members to dog sandwiches? IS THAT WHAT THESE PEOPLE WANT? Instead of going there, she simply says “I feel for Lisa Vanderpump in moments like this. I’ve had five dogs.” LOL Eileen. Twitter still hates you. “I’m willing to listen, and maybe to see her in a different light.” Oh hon, that ship has sailed. I would suggest just staying the hell away from Lisa Vanderpump for the rest of your time on this show.
The next morning, Eileen goes to Rinna’s room to eat a giant chocolate tower. Rinna has no idea how to bite into the thing. “Holy Cajole!” As they try and figure it out, a window washer slides down outside their window. In Dubai, Eileen was naked in her bathroom when a diver was cleaning the tank outside her aquarium window, and now this. It could be a spy operation set up by Vanderpump, or it could just be luck. She’s not naked this time, but hints to the washer to try again when she’s alone.
Eileen’s room is right by the ice machine, which is the last straw. She’s gotta try and fix things with Vanderpump. She’s decided to go to the dog meat shoot. At the very least, there’s a good chance she’ll meet someone who understands the struggle she faced with her upset stomach. These are people who eat dogs.
Rinna’s like um bye good luck don’t die.
Kyle comes to Vanderpump’s room because her Spidey sense alerted her to the cookie tray. Vanderpump’s like “I’ve had these on a platter for three minutes, dahling, what took you so long?” As Kyle inhales that sweet, sweet Thin Mint air, Lisa talks about how dog meat makes her cry. Kyle says it’s actually nice to see Lisa feel things. Old dogs can learn new tricks!
The phone rings. “Presidential Suite. Donald is that you, you naughty boy? I’m wearing spanx and heels, dahling.” But it’s not the Donald. It’s Eileen.
She says that she wants to join the dog meat crew today, but she knows that it’s personal and if Vanderpump doesn’t want her there, she’ll just go buy the saddest fashions Hong Kong has to offer. Lisa shrugs at the phone, but Eileen can’t hear it so she has to come up with words. “We haven’t had the best time together, but it’s all changing now so come.” Click. She can’t believe this, but she’ll go with it. If she suspects Eileen is just trying to get her at a vulnerable moment so she can ask for another on camera apology, she doesn’t show it.
Dorit comes by to see Rinna. “You look amazing! Like an angel! An angel that was born in ninety seven countries, BABY! Now look, Dorit, I have to be clear and open and honest and unburden my heart!”
Dorit’s like “Ya haht? What’s tha mattah? PK has some haht troubles and it turns out the cause was drinkin buttah with dinnah! Can ya believe it?”
Rinna’s heard from some unnamed source that Dorit made it sound like she has a severe addiction to Xanax smoothies. Ruh roh. Dorit is shocked. SHOCKED I tell you. “Lisah, ah’ll alwehs be honest with ya! I had the time of me life with ya that dah! I would nevah! Who told ya?”
Rinna: Ummmmm….No one. I just thought it up myself.
Dorit: Yaself? Who told ya that, Lisah Rinna?
Rinna: Ummmm…it’s my sixth sense.
Dorit: What does Bruce Willis heff ta do with this? He cut Boy off in a pahkin’ garage once! The nerve of that man!
Rinna: Ummmm….here’s a hint. It happened in Mexico, so go around and ask each person who was there if you said something about me being a drug addict. OK I feel so great now! Totally better! Like I took nine xanax. That was a joke. If you tell people it wasn’t Bruce Willis will come to me in my dreams and tell me so, BABY!
Dorit is left sitting there, dumbfounded. Of course, that’s her resting state, but still. Lisa Rinna not only stole Dorit’s “I can’t remembah” defense, she stole it TWICE and is now using it against Dorit. It’s the battle of the shitty memories. It’s nice to hear Bruce Willis is still working, though, even if it is as a ghost in Real Housewives storylines.
The ladies split up for daytime activities, and Erika and Kyle pair up to find out what a size two in Hong Kong is. Different countries have different ways of measuring people, and Kyle might have found a place that she can buy a dress without covering the tag with a sharpie.
Rinna hangs with Eden to check out the highest point in Hong Kong. It figures that the two women with addiction obsessions would travel to the highest point of somewhere and not see the irony. Rinna’s yelping everything. “Look at that bus! Look at those stairs! The way the elevator keeps going up and up and up. Best high in the world baby ten stars!” Eden’s wearing the psycho meat pie lady’s hair from Sweeney Todd, which means there’s no way she’s getting through this scene without starting some trouble.
They get to the top of the mountain and Rinna is beside herself. “It’s so three dimensional! The way there are buildings! And water! It’s like two dimensional but more than that! THREE D IMAX BABY!” Oh, Rinna. The world is, literally, three dimensional. How this woman doesn’t have a joy stroke just opening up her fuckin window in the morning is beyond me.
Dorit, Eileen and Vanderpump are in the car on their way to the documentary shoot. Eileen touches Vanderpump’s shoulder. “How are you feeling?” She’s hoping Lisa will say “Ok, Eileen. How are YOU feeling?” She doesn’t. Instead, she says she’s trying to keep herself from crying like a blubbering idiot. “I understand, Lisa, because I feel like crying often too. For example, right now I’m feeling…”
“We’re here!” Poor Eileen.
They meet Lisa’s documentary team. Jean Luc Bonjour, which sounds like a made up name but I still love it, and the twink who organized the march on City Hall in front of the wrong building last season. He proudly lists all the progress they’ve made in the fight against dog meat: they marched on the department of office supplies, showed congress some gore porn, and now they’re making this here movie. Lisa needs some sex appeal in everything she does, so I’m hoping she’ll intercut the super sad scenes with tips on how sexy red cabbage can be in a salad, or how every puppy needs a Hanky bra.
They watch the cut, but I sure as shit don’t. I don’t need to watch someone poop to know it’s gross. If I was a Real Housewife, that would be my cause. The Road to Not Pooping Anymore.
Eileen sees a bunch of animals who are abused and never apologized to, so she gets it. Sure, Lisa can’t give her the apology she needs, but at least she’s fighting for apologies for dogs, and that’s a start. She hugs Lisa and thanks her for the new angle on depression this has given her. Lisa says “That’s not an Eden hug. Do it again.” They hug longer. AWWWWW! Dorit looks around the room, trying to figure out which camera man is holding.
Erika and Kyle sit on a bench, and neither has any shopping bags. What the hell have you two been doing all day? Get to work! They talk about their mommy issues. Erika says she’s touched that her mother apologized after all these years for being hard on her. I don’t remember her mom apologizing for anything. Actually, when Erika complained that she was too rough on baby Erika, her mom patted her shoulder and commended herself on creating such a tough bird, as if she left the turkey in the oven too long on purpose and we can eat it or make our own fucking turkeys next year.
Kyle’s mom apologized for being tough, too. Not in person, of course, cuz she passed away. Through a psychic! Not sure how deep my belief in psychics goes, but do whatever makes you feel better. She told Kyle that she’s not responsible for Kim, she was always a better actress, and one day she’s gonna fit into her goal size without a staple gun and packing tape.
Rinna and Eden are getting tea. Rinna starts in about her sixth sense, and Eden looks worried. Has she herself been dead this whole time? It would explain why no one listens to her. “My sixth sense was telling me that Dorit was calling me a drug addict!” Eden stabs herself with a fork a couple of times. She feels alive. The pain shocks her brain into uncovering memories.
“Wait! I remember something! Look I have chills!” Those are probably from fork pain. “Dorit did ask me if I thought you had a pill problem and I buried it til now. Ugh. And I left my car keys in a shopping cart at Big Lots. And I let my kid babysit himself this trip and forgot to turn off the gas stove. Shit. Do cell phones work up here?”
Rinna’s like “I KNEW IT! See? Sixth Sense!” For those of you wondering, Haley Joel Osment grew up and got a job selling ladies in the midwest fashion forward dusters. “Dorit is a pussy! A pussy with a capital P is what she is!” I like when Rinna mixes mom talk with curse words. Man, can’t Eden go one episode without getting dragged into someone’s addiction story?
Erika’s back at the hotel with the pay for gays getting ready for the night. Mikey’s been homebound all day, because they sell twinks in Hong Kong and Erika won’t let him out of the room. “This lip gloss? IS MAJOR!” The camera pans over ten bags of hair as he twirls and snaps and EVERYTHANG!s.
She tells the gays that tonight’s activities include riding on a junk boat, and they’re all horrified. “You are WAY too glamorous to be on a junk boat. Unless it’s a junk in your trunk boat!” “Or a making dudes’ junk hard boat” “Yeah or a One Man’s Junk is Another Man’s trophy wife boat!” Snaps giggles everythangs.
Erika remembers coming to Hong Kong with Tom right before it changed hands. Those days are long gone. Tom bought a hot wife, then the hot wife bought hot gays. It’s natural growth. Erika’s still here with her husband, it’s just the husband who glues her lashes on and dresses her like a host of Drag Queen Bingo. This is a really sentimental episode you guys.
The ladies meet in the lobby to go to the junk boat. Rinna is first, of course, in her nicest Converse and Maxine from Hallmark glitter jacket. Erika is feeling mysterious tonight. She comes down dressed in the exact same pattern as the hotel carpet.
Kyle’s in her Fred Flinstone robe, and Eden’s dressed as Sia’s base coat.
Erika Jayne is proud of the other ladies for stepping it up a notch in the wardrobe department, but it’s no contest of who’s most fabulous. “I win every time.” I’ve literally lost track of Erika. They need to leave the hotel.
The ladies arrive at the junk boat, which has never received this much love. Rinna’s all “HIIIIIII! Hi junk boat! I’m Lisa Rinna! Hi! How are you? You’re fabulous! Look at your red sails! And your floor! And your curves! Are those because you float on the water? What an amazing floater! I give you nineteen stars, junk boat baby!”
It’s a big antique boat with a little charm left that could bust apart and sink at any moment. Kyle wonders if she should check on Kim, but remembers the psychic’s advice.
Everyone is getting along, which makes them all (and us) uncomfortable. Eden asks Vanderpump what’s on her mind. “Nothing, really, dahling. Anyone else have something they want to voice?” Vanderpump has just gotten Eileen on her side temporarily. She’s not gonna manipulate quite yet. The other ladies look back and forth at each other. Who wants to start a fight on a boat they could all die on?
Dorit goes for it. “I’d loike ta make an announcement! Rinna raised that someone told ha Ah was alleyoodin to tha fack that she hayd a drog problem! Who sed eet?!”
No one’s touching that. If Rinna has a drug problem, they all have a drug problem. In Los Angeles, it’s customary to be on a few prescriptions to get you through the day. It’s only considered addiction when you’re robbing the dollar section at Target. Rinna says “Nobody here told me that, Dorit!”
Dorit: Ya sed they deed!
Rinna: No, I said I have a sixth sense. By the way there’s an old scraggly pirate behind you who wants to cut your head off.
Rinna: Only I can see him. Sixth Sense. Think back to Mexico. That’s where I sense you betrayed me.
Dorit: You mean when I tahld everyone I naided a king size bed so I can have sexin’s with mah gojeuhs huzbands?
Rinna: Nope! I’m sensing it was over a dinner. You had rice! Prove me wrong!
Dorit: In Mayxicah I only saidah we hahd a rip roarin good time with ya pill bag full a illegal soobstansas! Did ya really sense meh eatin’ rice? I did that in tha bathroom so PK wouldn’t make fun!
Rinna: Told ya.
Dorit: Who sed eet? Tahl meh!
Rinna prods Eden. “You can jump in here at any time, Eden!”
Eden clears her throat, ready for her second go round on the addiction accusation train driven by Rinna. “When I was at your house, you asked if Rinna had a pill problem.”
Dorit blink/sniffs. “Ah deed? Ah don’t remembah!”
Oh lord. Here we go again. We’re shown the clip of Dorit asking Eden if Lisa’s irrational behavior might be “induced.” Vanderpump isn’t sure what these bitches are on about this time. She’s never thought that Rinna has a drug problem, “But then again, pills cause paranoia, dahling!” Vanderpump cackle.
Rinna is firm in her psychic abilities. “You thought it! Just be honest!”
Dorit: I know I didn’t say it to Eden cuz I didn’t think it! It was rip roarin run toimes! This is unfair!
Rinna: What’s unfair is you lying about your thoughts when I can read them! You know someone who died with the first letter G in their name.
Dorit: Me Grandmama! How’d ya dew thayaht?
Rinna: You will never have unconditional love KNOW THAT!
Dorit: I’m not NOT bein honestah!
Rinna: You’ll be bald by the time you’re fifty KNOW THAT BABY!
Dorit runs her hand over her hairline, in awe of Rinna’s ability. Rinna laughs to us. “Of course I don’t have fuckin’ sixth sense. I would have held out for more money from Depends if I did. And I don’t have a fuckin’ Xanax problem either. I mean Xanax? Really? It’s a damn snack food.” She laughs and laughs to herself.
Kyle tries to help. “At dinner in Mexico, she sad you had a bag of pills, but it didn’t sound like a vicious story.” Cut to Dorit announcing that Rinna had a ziplock full of drugs and laughing about it. Erika remembers. “Ya said she had a bag of pills and took Xanax smoothies and suggested maybe it’s why Rinna was acting crazy.”
Dorit: I said that?
Erika: You insinuated it!
Dorit: I said we had fone!
As if you can’t have fun with a drug addict.
Erika: You could have said “That’s why she acts that way.”
Dorit: Coulda woulda shoulda Eareekuh! Deed ah say eet?
Erika shakes her head at us. “I wouldn’t pick a fight on a boat. You haven’t seen that yet, honey.” Now I can’t stop thinking about Erika’s past violent fights on boats. I need backstory on this.
She says Dorit brought up the pills when the table was trying to understand Rinna’s bizarre behavior. Vanderpump half heartedly tries to defend her friend. “I don’t remember it being important.” Dorit is squealing about the unfairness of it all. She did, of course, try multiple times to mention Rinna’s pill problem so that one of the other ladies would run with it. She tried it with Vanderpump, who scolded her and told her to stop making a big deal of nothing. Then she tried it with Eden, who ignored her. Then she tried it in Mexico and no one bit. She’s pretty bad at this whole game, and it’s now come full circle to kick her in the ass. Production can’t get her to do what they need her to do? Fine. They’ll do it themselves.
Who the hell else would have told Rinna that? If it’s left up to psychic abilities, it’s production getting dirty. Erika is now into it with Dorit, as she knows what Dorit tried to do and it sucks even if she failed miserably at it. Besides, Dorit has been fucking with her all season and she’s sick of being the better person. Yes, this fight could have come numerous other times, but it’s coming during Rinna’s sudden psychic moment which has nothing to do with her, and the most sensible time to start a Housewives fight is when it makes no sense. It’s tradition. “Dorit, let me talk. You talk too much.”
Dorit: You don’t talk enough!
Erika: I talk about IMPORTANT shit. You talk about bullshit. What’s your problem with me, Dorit? Just bring it on.
Dorit: Why, you’ah the ONLEH one in this group ah haven’t been able ta connect with!
Erika: Cuz I don’t like bullshit, and that’s what ya are.
Dorit’s coke eyes almost pop to the floor.
Dorit: Then wha don’t ya juss say thet!?!?!
Erika: I JUST DID.
YASS BETCH EVERYTHANG. Finally, the real Erika Jayne has stood up.