Last week, Phaedra tempted fate and walked into a church without a lightning proof hard hat. Then she and Porsha broke the 11th commandment, thou shalt not covet thigh gaps and camel toes. The gang then made their way to Hawaii where Kandi distributed reading material and blown eardrums to the group.
We pick up during the confrontation where Kandi says she could have choked Porsha for the drug accusations. Porsha says “choke me then!” to which Kandi replies “don’t tempt me!” I’m starting to think that we’re watching one really long foreplay sequence. Porsha says Kandi can just roll down the hill into the water. While I’m sure Kandi meets the buoyancy requirements, I doubt she’ll do anything that sounds even close to exercise.
“I don’t drug people and I don’t exert myself physically!”
Kandi’s attempts to get Phaedra on her side fails because she says Kandi has said crazy things about her too. The difference is those statements were true but why split weaves here? Phaedra wants to help Kandi calm down because “it’s not that serious”. That’s rich coming from a woman who sued Angela Stanton for supposedly telling lies about her in a little old book when everybody knows that southern belles don’t read. Cynthia says it’s a waste of time and leaves. She makes a big scene out of it but that’s just to distract from the fact that she’s about to run a bubble bath, Nair her lasered vag for the first time in months and lie in wait in Peter’s room. Everyone but Phaedra is annoyed at Porsha’s lies. Kandi yells that Porsha tried to hit on one of her other friends and her husband that night in the club and tells Todd to watch out for the freak ho next to him.
Todd: Lucky for you, my new job is at a freak ho consulting firm.
The next morning, Sheree calls her interior designer Mechell, Phaedra calls her kids and Cynthia calls her business partner about the fashion show. Basically, they’re foreshadowing the last few episodes of the season which can’t come soon enough. Kandi asks Phaedra to tell her minus one to stay at the hotel for the day so they don’t have any drama. Meanwhile, Porsha’s in her room saying that she won’t win the best girlfriend award since she spent Todd’s 40th birthday in a quinceanera gown asking a woman to choke her. It’s official. Porsha really thinks trophy distribution is normal in relationships. Duke better be prepared to have the repo man show up and reclaim his acrylic testament to the shortest reality TV career ever.
Porsha says that she hasn’t heard the plan for the day yet but she’s used to being an ass and still being allowed to film the next day. Phaedra arrives in a swimsuit last seen in a Wrecks N’ Effect video and is doing all types of inappropriate jiggling and rubbing in front of Todd.
Todd tries not to look.
And he’s now a 14 year old boy with a pillow on his lap.
Phaedra tells Porsha that she’s not invited because Kandi is still upset. Porsha is okay with this because they’re going to get a couple’s massage instead.
And by couple, she totally means her boobs.
Kandi liked the speedboat in Anguilla so much that she’s booked the sequel. Unfortunately Keanu Reeves won’t be here for this one either. Everyone seems okay that Porsha wasn’t invited since the last time she was on a boat she initiated a one-sided game of Mercy with Cynthia. On their way to the activity, they all discuss what happened the previous night. Peter reports that Porsha feels bullied while Phaedra defends her and says that everyone spreads lies. Kenya says that there’s usually proof behind what they say and this time there isn’t – that’s the difference. Sheree doesn’t even bother trying to rationalize this. She knows that Cynthia is more likely to be penetrated on this trip than Phaedra and Porsha’s logic defense system.
Sheree gives credit to Peter and Cynthia for being on this trip together and says that she and Bob couldn’t have done this. He recalls being in Vegas with her after they broke up and he threatened to slam on the brakes so she could fly out of the car. It goes in a different direction when she clearly wants to say more. Bob asks if he’s ever hit or choked her and she says that he did. He says he should have choked her harder. The car is uncomfortable and Kenya comforts Sheree. Phaedra tells Bob to apologize, which he does, but it’s weird.
Kenya: If you need a place to stay, Moore Manor has indoor plumbing.
Porsha and Todd have their massage. She refuses to wear the lei so he can see her fake boobs. Then she twerks on the table. The only redemption in this scene is the umbrella falling on them. If you didn’t believe in a higher power before tonight, you should now.
The others go on their speedboat trip and it’s very wet but still not as bad as Bob wringing out his undershirt. Meanwhile, Porsha and Todd run around a beach while she yells at him to strip and they try to draw attention away from a wedding. Finally the day is over and the speedboat group meets for dinner. Phaedra sends the guys off to the bar and totally ruins the moment by saying that she wants to have a restoration service so that Porsha can join them again.
“I need someone to throw Kandi under the bus for me.”
They all agree to go although Kandi says that she’s done. Cynthia says she’ll leave if it gets messy which is her way of having an out to escape to Peter’s room. Kenya mocks the situation and asks for a napkin to wipe her tears. Phaedra is annoyed with her antics but Kenya says that Porsha isn’t willing to to apologize or acknowledge any wrongdoing. The delivery sucks but the message is true.
The guys meet with Porsha’s Todd at a bar. Bob tries to get them to check out other women but they’re smarter than him and won’t act like idiots on camera. Bob says he and Sheree are like ice skating uphill and he opens up old wounds. Peter is sad about his divorce. Todd just wants the women to get along. Little Todd just wants someone to help him off his bar stool.
It’s time for the restoration service.
Porsha arrives in a Snapchat filter.
Phaedra pulls out all the stops for the restoration service with wine and an economy size box of Cheez-Its. Phaedra wants peace in the group so they immediately start arguing. Sheree starts in on Kenya for abuse comments she made. Yeah, no. Sheree brought up that Kenya provokes people, which is true, but basically said that she caused Matt to break all of her windows. Regardless of what Kenya does, Matt has the ability to walk away or break up with her. He doesn’t have the right to damage her property which is usually a precursor to someone eventually hitting you. Kenya merely made the point that a woman who has been in an abusive situation should not use another woman’s abuse against her. I mean, we all know that Sheree married Bob because he was an NFL player. She spent her entire first RHOA season trying to get a seven figure settlement from him. She moved into a condo after she lost her house although she was driving a Bentley. A lesser person could make the argument that she drove Bob to hit her because she spent lavishly and had always used him for money but we wouldn’t because nothing justifies abusive behavior.
Kenya says that women should always take women’s side when it comes to violence and that she comforted Sheree in the car. Sheree says she appreciated it but then tries to pull a Taylor Armstrong and says that women die from domestic violence everyday. Sheree so badly wants to blame someone for something and she needs to keep the finger pointed at Bob. Kenya rejects this and explains that you don’t blame a woman for a man’s actions. They bicker back and forth until Phaedra says two people were hurt, they both heard digs and it was lost in translation.
“This bitch said it in English!”
Porsha addresses Kandi and basically admits that she “unleashed” because if someone says something about her, she’ll say something back. It’s all so asinine. She’s like a petulant pre-teen. Kandi is annoyed that she supported Porsha the most over the years yet it only took one comment about Block to turn Porsha against her. Porsha basically admits that she made up everything she said which means the last three episodes were an even bigger waste of time than usual.
Lastly, Porsha wants Kandi to apologize to Phaedra for the lies she’s told. Kandi says that everything was true. Phaedra tries to deny that she was talking to another guy but stumbles over her words and basically admits that she was.
“Who said that?”
“That’s so three episodes ago.”
If you’re keeping score, the only people who made up were Kenya and Sheree who were actually kind of okay before this. Also, Phaedra and Porsha are two big ass liars. Everyone else is in the same place. Cynthia says in the future, make sure that everyone is prepared to move forward because this was a waste of a wig and a kimono.
The next day, Sheree and Bob meet at a jewelry store. Sheree is upset that he treats their issues as a laughing mater. He says that he has to laugh not to cry. She leaves, he laughs, I’m over it. Sorry guys. This wasn’t a particularly fun or funny episode to watch. Hopefully next week is better. Love you for reading and commenting!
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