Greetings, Trashies! It’s time for the annual SUR photoshoot, which they skipped last year, so this is my first SUR photoshoot as a VPR recapper. I am certainly honored. Just wondering, though, what is this photoshoot for? Why aren’t the pics on the SUR website? Do Lisa, Ken, Nathalie and Guillermo get together with the ponies for a private slide show? Questions, questions…
As we open, Lisa checks in with Jax and Tom, and is thrilled to hear Jax didn’t get arrested or steal anything on their New Orleans trip. Tom says Jax stole a lot of men’s hearts, but he’s just being sweet, as we all know he was the ‘heartbreaker’ of the bunch. Now we get some selfies of Jax and Tom.
“Hey fellas, want a ride?”
“Poor thing tries too hard!”
Lisa says Jax was a terrible situation, and Tom looks better as a woman than as a man. She asks how Tom and Katie did. They tell her there was a lot of arguing, and for the first two nights they didn’t even sleep in the same bed. Lisa asks, “Are you serious? They fought all through the trip?”
Jax says, “I would say about 85% of the time.” Tom nods in agreement. Lisa is perturbed. She interviews that she’s wondering if she should even attend the wedding at this point, given how bad things are.
Meanwhile, Scheana is purportedly having a bad hair day, and complains about her ‘disgusting’ hair, which appears to be immobilized with hair spray. Ariana says it’s cute.
“For the record, this is as bad as it gets”
Scheana STILL can’t imagine if she and Shay were fighting this much two weeks before THEIR wedding, especially since Shay was stoned off his gourd. Ariana interviews that it’s not a good idea for Tom and Katie to bottle up their problems two weeks before their wedding. They should have bottled them up from the beginning and pretended they didn’t exist — works for Ariana, anyway.
Harrison — otherwise known as the ‘Picture of Dorian Giggy’ — has become a chunky little fluff-ball, who is so happy and content he’s gained weight and grown lots of fur. Meanwhile, Giggy is getting ever scrawnier and balder, at least since Lisa put him in the attic.
“Good riddance to bad rubbish, Gigster, old chap”
Lisa interviews that the theme of this year’s photo shoot is indulgence. “We want this photoshoot to be salivatingly salacious,” she says.
“Darth Vanderpump is ON the JOB, dahlings!”
Katie salivates in response to the word ‘salivatingly’, just like Pavlov’s dogs.
“Ooh, you mean like my Laertes grapefruit fantasy!”
Abruptly interrupting Katie’s spit-fest, Lisa says, “Anyway, what on earth have I heard? That all you did at your bachelorette party is fight with Schwartzie?” Katie puffs up and waves her finger. “No,” she proudly announces, “All SCHWARTZ did at the bachelorette party was argue with… people.”
“I won NOLA, see? Hold on, let me swallow this giant loogie and explain”
“Oh so you’re passing the blame,” says Lisa. Katie sputters, “There was flare-ups, and Tom and I argued…” Lisa exclaims, “What have you got to fight about now?!”
“I don’t even KNOW,” says Katie, who has suddenly forgotten all about the Vegas hookup — you know, the only thing they’ve been fighting about since the beginning of time? Lisa says they could lose each other if they keep going in this direction. Katie says, “And I think that’s what’s scaring us.” Yes, the poor dears are truly, deeply frightened, of that there can be no doubt.
Lisa says it’s a lot of work, what lies ahead of them. Katie says, “And two weeks from today we’ll be married.” Lisa says they have to delete all that bullshit from their life. She interviews that this seems like more than pre-wedding jitters.
Meanwhile, Stassi and Kristen go out to lunch with their dogs, Luda and Gibson. Stassi orders the goat cheese salad, because that’s all she eats, goat cheese. Kristen gets one with no walnuts, because she’s not nuts anymore — not crawling-up-the-wall nuts, anyway. So it turns out Gibson is Kristen’s certified emotional support dog. Kristen says, “I mean it’s true. I won’t stab James in the heart if I’m holding Gibson in my hand.”
“Well, maybe if if I tuck him under my armpit, and stab downward…”
They’re here to work on Stassi’s dating profile for OkCupid. “Am I really going on OkCupid?” asks Stassi. Kristen interviews, “Don’t knock online dating till you try it. I met the love of my life on a dating app. Be a little more openminded, bitch.” Stassi wonders what she should write about herself, and Kristen says, “Brunch, dogs, wine, ranch.” Stassi says, “Why don’t I just write ‘basic bitch’, then?”
“That’s who you are,” nods Kristen.
“Yeah,” mutters Stassi. She types while mumbling, “Wine, brunch, my dogs, murder, ghosts, aliens, and ranch.” She says she hasn’t been in the dating world for a very long time, much less dating apps, but desperate times call for desperate measures. “Don’t judge,” she says. She submits her profile, which we found on an etonline interview, where she claims it got her a ton of action:
I love ghost stories, serial killers, the color gold, ranch dressing, wine, murders, cults.”
Then she says she’s just going to be open to whatever — except no Vegas Impregnators, thank you very much.
Over at Villa Rosa, Tom and Katie show up to talk about their sorry excuse for a relationship. They chat with Lisa about the wedding preparations, then Katie thanks Lisa for helping out. Then she says, “There is, like, one thing left to do.” Suddenly, there’s a knock on the door — it’s a strange man in a tux! Lisa says, “If somebody’s dressed like that, I guess we should let them in.” She opens the door, and the man launches into a fairytale proclamation:
Good afternoon. Lisa Vanderpump, the fairest lady in the land, Queen of Villa Rosa and Magistrate of SUR Restaurant, it’s with great respect and honor that these lovers bestow a request: to ordain their forthcoming nuptch-you-all and make it o-FISH-ee-all.”
Lisa slams the door in the guy’s face, and slumps into a chair.
“Lord help me!”
“I’m completely overwhelmed,” says Lisa. Schwa says, “Well, that was the point.” Then those two idiots just sit there with dumb grins on their faces, waiting for her to say yes.
“Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!”
When it finally dawns on them that it’s not going well, Schwa babbles how much it would mean to them, but no pressure, she doesn’t have to say yes. Lisa says, “You know what really worries me? For me to take on this responsibility, to ordain a marriage, I take marriage very seriously. I mean, very seriously.”
“As do we,” says Schwa. Lolz.
“But the way you’ve been behaving lately has given me great cause for concern,” she says. At least the past six years, anyway. Here we get flashbacks to Katie’s last three attempts to get Lisa on her side in their never-ending battle. “It was only two or three days ago you were at each other’s throats,” says Lisa. “This has to be a new chapter in your life. Do you understand?”
“Yeah,” they say.
Lisa goes on, “I’m concerned of taking on the responsibility. I just need to know that you’re really committed to each other.” Katie starts to cry. Schwa asks, “D’ohhh, why are you crying, Bubbie?” Katie says she’s disappointed. Schwa asks, “In me?” Katie replies, “In myself and us.” Now Lisa starts crying, too.
“It’s okay, Bubbie,” says Schwa. “We just got a little sloppy on the way.” Katie interviews, “We are better than that. And we let ourselves forget that for a minute. For a long minute.” For a six-year-long minute. Lisa says, “I want to know that you’re really committed to each other,” and awesomely, delectably — indeed sumptuously — she leaves it at that.
Now the gang meets on the beach. Scheana takes a selfie for her ‘husband’, who can’t be here.
“Thinking of you, Robbie 😉 xoxo”
Then she checks in with Stassi about her dating life. Ostensibly, Stassi had a date the night before, and made out with the guy all night. Scheana says, “Ooh! There’s nothing like a first kiss!” Stassi says, “And it was, like, a really good one.” She interviews that she’s not looking for anyone to put a ring on it, but would not object, if it was big and sparkly.
Scheana asks Tom and Katie how the thing went with Lisa. Schwa says he wrote a little limerick, a poem for Lisa, proposing to her to ordain their wedding. “It wasn’t like a yes,” he says. She said to take some time off and decide if this is really what they want to do.
“It was kind of like a rock bottom,” says Katie, who was blindsided due to her hollow victory.
“I finally won, and for what? Nada”
“And it’s true, everything she’s heard is true. We’ve been a fucking disaster.” Tom and Ariana exchange looks.
“Shucks, I shouldn’t’a tattled”
Sandoval pipes up. He says he knows they’ve all overstepped their boundaries, but it’s always come from a place of concern. He interviews, “Well, I think it’s safe to say Lisa’s the only one that has the balls to say what everyone was thinking — that she doesn’t believe in this marriage.”
“I just feel so guilty right now,” says Katie. Then she and Schwa go for a little stroll with the camera guy, so they can clock in a meaningful couple scene, pronto. Schwa says, “Look at the dolphins! They came to feel the love!”
“I’m cold!” says Katie. Tom says, “I’m cold, too!”
“Hold me,” says Katie. Schwa says, “YOU hold ME. I wanna go be a vegetable with you. And eat some bad food,” he says, then adds, “No no no, no bad food! We’re getting in shape. No! I mean, you are in shape… I’m not saying you… you know… this is dangerous territory.”
“You’re saying I’m fat, Mr. Dadbod?”
Tom continues, “Cuz we said we were going to be unflappable, and we were so flappable. Let’s not be assholes anymore.” Katie points out he has Doritos dust on the corner of his mouth. He tries to lick it off, and tells her she should have.
“Mm, what an unexpected treat…”
Katie says she’d do anything for love, but not that. Then Schwa kisses her with his stale Dorito breath. “We’ve been so close, but so far away,” he says. Katie replies, “No, no more.” Schwa asks, “Is that cheesy?” They both decide it’s just true.
Then, all sentimental, Schwa finds a lucky rabbit’s foot in the sand, but before he can grab it, Katie points out that it happens to be a discarded tampon — nature’s little poem for those two lovebirds, right there.
Lisa has a very special man in her life, super sexy horse, Prince Tardon. She’s going horseback riding with Ariana, because it’s Take Your Bartender for a Ride Day at SUR. Ariana gushes over Lisa’s stuff. “Oh. My God,” she says, “Of course Lisa has this bedazzled bridle, and I would trade my car for that frickin’ helmet.” Well, Miss Expert Equestrian, it’s simply a One K Defender riding helmet ($233.96) with attached sun visor ($34.95) — total, $268.91.
“Did you say you had a car for sale, dahling?”
“Everything about Lisa’s life is chic AF,” interviews Ass-kisser Extraordinaire, Ariana. “I don’t know that I could have a bigger lady-crush on someone.” Lisa interviews, “Ken bought me my first horse. He just blew me away. And then of course, I returned the favor.”
“Let’s not mention what I did to get YOU, Prince Studmuffin”
Now they talk about Katie and Schwartz, and Ariana puts the whole thing on Katie. She tells Lisa, “When we were at the beach, Katie said things I’ve never heard her say before, like, that she felt really guilty, and ashamed at how she had acted. and things that she had said.” What a bitch.
“You can’t take the gloves off every time you have a disagreement,” says Lisa. Then she interviews, “I’m pleased to hear that Tom and Katie have taken our talk very seriously, but it’s not that simple. They’re gonna have to really prove it to me.” She asks Ariana, “What about you, are you going to marry him?”
“No,” laughs Ariana. Little does Lisa know Ariana’s got something a leetle more permanent in mind…
“… like roping him into a 30-year mortgage, heheh”
Lisa doesn’t understand why Ariana wouldn’t want to get married, because she cannot fathom that someone would be so sneaky and manipulative as to build an entire relationship on reverse psychology. Ariana says, “I just don’t want, I don’t want kids, and so I don’t really… no, not at all.” Lisa says, “How can you not want kids?” Ariana replies, “I don’t really like babies, I think they’re kinda gross.”
“Suck a duck, Ariana”
Lisa says, “I bet you’ll change your mind. Get back with me in five years’ time.” Then she interviews that maybe one day Ariana will want a little baby Sandoval. “She could change his little diapers, shave his little baby forehead, put his little pink extensions in,” she jokes, “But then she probably does that already.”
You’d think that’d be the whole fun of having Sandoval around, right? Little does she know he has to hire that sh*t out.