Oh snap, it’s the penultimate episode of MTV’s kind-of-dating show. There is hardly any time left to figure out the remaining matches, and I’m not confident they can do it but let’s find out.
Also you hardly got any screen time, but you’ll find that out later.
Directly after the match ceremony, Derrick takes charge of the situation again by trying to use strategy to determine the matches. You know, like everyone should have been doing from the beginning. Oh whoops, actually I guess everyone’s not into using strategy.
Tall Michael doesn’t care about strategy or winning money or anything: he just wants to be with Kathryn. These people are killing me! As Michael, Kathryn, and Casandra debate how Tall Michael got to be so tall, Derrick and Co. have figured out all the matches.
Hold up though, how was anyone able to stop staring at Andre’s outfit long enough to figure out ANYTHING?
What is happening here?
Jaylan isn’t convinced that Derrick is right, or maybe he was just distracted by Andre too because he is not having it.
Why though? I don’t get you guys.
Meanwhile an upbeat music montage leads us over to Hayden and Carolina spilling champagne in the Honeymoon Suite.
Hayden is pleased with his perfect match, and then the upbeat music sweeps us back over to the regular house where everyone has decided to have a costume party.
Solid horse joke.
Casandra has decided to dress up as another type of animal, her maybe/maybe not perfect match Joey.
“I’m so turned on right now.”
Derrick and Tyler decide to be Magic Mike-esque strippers, and in the spirit of the costume, Derrick attempts to give Kathryn a lap dance. Tall Michael is NOT AT ALL having it, and walks over to bust it up – but at least Derrick committed to a costume; Michael is just dressed as Wearing All Black Man.
Oh look, now he’s Shoved Across The Room Man
Ah yes, the fight we were promised in the previews of this season that I’ve been waiting for! It’s a one shove fight though, since Joey and Jaylan break it up; leaving us with only Alicia’s perfect expression as Michael sulkily walks past her.
Oh wait, I spoke too soon because Derrick takes off his vest (that’s how you know shit’s serious) and follows Michael into the kitchen and…grabs him by the armpit?
I don’t know.
Security comes in and breaks it up, and OH WAIT AGAIN! With security standing just inches away, Derrick reaches out and literally slaps the smirk off of Michael’s face.
Oh, so good. Michael leaps to his feet but if he wanted to fight he should have gotten up earlier because Derrick is whisked off by security. For real, this time. MAN that was satisfying: don’t get me wrong, Derrick came off as jerky in this fight, but Michael just looks like he needs to be slapped. And he was! Moving on.
It’s the next morning, and Michael has soothed his wounds with a sweatband on the head. He wants to talk to Kathryn, and like a real non-crazy person he tells her that he has a problem with her being flirtatious, and he’s not explosive but girls like her bring out the worst in him. Thankfully, Kathryn replies with “that is the most unhealthy statement I’ve ever heard” and just like that, #Mathryn is over.
No time to feel sad for Michael though, it’s Getaway Challenge time! Oooh, what will this week’s be called?
For this challenge, the women have to play shuffleboard (I assume. I’ve never been on a cruise ship) and land their pucks on a photo of the eye belonging to whatever guy that want to go on a date with.
The guys’ part of the challenge was to try not to laugh at how bad the girls were.
I don’t know that anyone got their pucks where they were intended, but Casandra is the first winner. Then, at last, the clouds parted and a heavenly beam of light shone down, and Tyranny got the second win.
But who exactly did they win a date with, you ask? Well, Tyranny’s pucks landed on Derrick’s photo, and Casandra’s pucks landed her a date with Staten Island Mike, her confirmed no-match due to the black out early on. Ryan Devlin softly shakes his head in disappointment and sends them back to the house.
Now it’s time for getting drunk and candid as Kathryn tells Ozzy that she needs to squash the sexual tension between them, and Ozzy is flustered, but intrigued. Hannah watches this from across the room and the rage keeps inflating her hair ever higher.
I mean, I’m just guessing, but it does seem to be a rage-o-meter.
In an unexpected twist, Hannah decides to pull Joey out of the house since according to Derrick’s Infallible Strategy of Winning they are likely a match. It’s the most laid back flirting ever as Hannah says “I low key like you” and Joey says “I low key think you should” and Hannah improbably calls Joey a “ladies man”.
Uh oh, her hair’s about to abandon ship.
Then they kiss, a lot, and whoever does the sound for The Bachelor must do this show too because I ripped my earphones out and screamed.
*wet pasta being stirred*
They agree that their love is a forbidden one, and decide to only make out when people aren’t around.
The next day, the date winners go island mudding and probably pick up some tropical parasites.
Cryptosporidiosis is so hot right now.
Back at the house, there’s no need for deliberation since the only couple that has a shot being a match is Tyranny and Derrick, and coincidentally their date is going swimmingly.
Later that night, it’s time for Tyranny and Derrick to enter the truth booth. Just as they step inside, Ryan Devlin offers to trade the house $150,000 in exchange for forfeiting their truth booth trip, and this time they accept. I sure hope Derrick’s strategy is right!
Later that night, things get weird when Casandra wants to hang out with Joey but he’s too busy feeling “terrible inside” about making out with Hannah.
Yeah, that’s what that terrible feeling inside is, bud.
He tries to go to bed, but Casandra keeps being adorable next to him until he admits his make out mistake. Cas is all “yeah, that’s cool”, but in a confessional tells us how much it hurts her; well, actually she goes back out into the living room and calls everyone together to make them listen to her talk about being hurt.
Hannah’s hair starts screaming about how this is her first public thing since Ozzy, Andre and Osvaldo are dumbfounded at how the hookup even happened, and Joey stands to the side with his shirt in his mouth for some reason. Oh, and then Hannah says one of my least favorite things:
You could just say “I’m not sorry”, you know.
The next day, Tyler and Shannon have deep conversations followed by daytime sex in the Boom Boom Room.
This place looks weird in daylight.
Then just like that, we’re on to the Matchup Ceremony! It’s ladies’ choice tonight, and everyone is picking according to Derrick’s strategy: Kari picks Tall Michael, Alicia picks Staten Island Mike, Gianna picks Ozzy, Tyranny picks Jaylan, Shannon – uh oh. Shannon has gone off script and followed her heart instead of the strategy; she picked Tyler again.
You could say that.
It goes as well as you’d expect: Derrick and Tyranny call Shannon a liar, and say she should have said up front if she wasn’t going to use the strategy. Tyler stands by his woman and says that they can still get most of the matches anyway if Derrick’s strategy is correct; Derrick sulks, and they proceed.
After Shannon’s bombshell, it’s back to the picking. Hannah heartlessly – or strategically – picks Joey, Casandra picks strategy master Derrick, Taylor picks Osvaldo, and Kathryn is left with Andre. Okay, time to see if Derrick’s strategy paid off or not. Gimme that drrumrollllllll:
Ho. Ly. Shit.
Uh, Derrick was right! So if Shannon had stuck to the plan they would have gotten them all right (thanks, Shannon), so at least they know what to do next week to fix it.
NO NOT THAT, SHANNON
Man, I can’t believe they managed to figure it out at the last second. I mean, unless someone figures out a way to screw it up at the finale. Catch y’all next week!