TMZ – Roses Are Red, Bunnies Have Fur,
The Muse – Your Real Life Superhero to Play Make Believe Villain
Surprise! Kristen Wiig’s life is about to change! Director Patty Jenkins has tapped her to play “Cheetah,” the villain in the new Wonder Woman installment. While Kristen isn’t the first person I’d think of to star in a big flashy summer superhero blockbuster, I am certainly not complaining. Besides, DC and Marvel have wonderfully demonstrated that they can expand and diversify beyond the very stale realm of the
Boring White People Squad Avengers. The next Wonder Woman film is rumored to take place during the 1980s, when cheetah print was basically the national uniform. Oh man oh man oh man. I’m sending a letter to HR now just to warn them that I’ll be wearing cheetah print leggings with a white t-shirt and cheetah print bra, Monday-Friday, from now to INDEFINITELY. Rawr!
ET Canada – Lisa Bonet: Non-Garbage Person
Why is Lisa Bonet, the woman who is married to my boyfriend, the only one of Bill Cosby’s former coworkers who’s willing to admit that Cosby is a rapey, no-good frat buddy of Satan’s from Hell University? In an interview with something called PorterEdit, Bonet was quoted:
There was no knowledge on my part about [Bill Cosby’s] specific actions, but… there was just energy… And that type of sinister, shadow energy cannot be concealed.
Between this and winning the heart of my boyfriend and doing what her character did on Big Little Lies (which was definitely real life, right?), Lisa Bonet is cleaning the world of its filth (aka, men). Lisa Bonet 4 Prez.
Just Jared – WHY
OK, which one of you Adam Sandler-loving fucks asked for this? Why is Netflix recognizing Norm I-Get-Fired-From-Every-Job-I-Have-Because-I-Still-Haven’t-Realized-Comedy’s-Not-For-Me Macdonald with a talk show? Why would anyone want to sit through 10 episodes of a puffy Canadian 50-something doling out jokes even he doesn’t think are funny before leaving a very pregnant pause to see how hard no one laughs? Look, I don’t hate the guy. He seems nice and self-deprecating enough. But there is a time and a place for Norm Macdonald and that time and place is 1995 and in a lounge chair by the pool of Brian Madison giggling next to a puddle of bong resin. But hey, best of luck to ya, bud.
People – I Have Some Advice for Colin Firth
Livia Giugglioli is as terrible and perplexing as her last name, because omg girl: she CHEATED ON HUNK OF THE YEAR (1996) COLIN FIRTH. Girl. It gets worse. Giggly or Googly or whatever her name is had an affair with the dude who was accused of stalking them. I mean, in the interest of fair transparency, Gloopy and the stalker had the affair while she and Firth were separated, and the stalker didn’t start stalking them until after the affair had ended, but bitch lied to the police about their whole side game! Colin, you know what you have to do. The only thing that will make this right and equal between you and Super Glue is if you have an affair with your female stalker. So I guess now’s a better time than ever to introduce myself. Let’s get your marriage back on and your pants all the way off.
Page Six – Rill Itchy Memorial Courtney Stodden Update: March 9, 2018
Woe are we, for Dame Courtney Stodden has fallen into financial ruin. What troubling times are these! A glimpse into Dame Stodden’s perturbing balance sheet reveals a pattern of fiduciary recklessness: while the well-meaning ingenue collects only $2,500 per month, her expenses in that time exceed totals of $4,700 – which include a $1,000 line item for clothing and fineries. Furniture and dressings in the home of Dame Stodden (which we may assume is now situated at the demesne of her lover, entrepreneur and devilish rogue Chris Sheng) are valued at over $10,000. Current funds in Dame Stodden’s chequing accounts near a whimpering $2,700. Adding to the misfortune of all this impecunious distress is a damning bankruptcy that was filed by the Dame’s ex-husband, Lord Doug Hutchison of Allen Park Estates. Such dreadful circumstances lead one to wonder if Dame Courtney Stodden will be obligated to suffer the humiliation of seeking gainful employment. Fetch me my fainting couch!
Ah well. Hope you get your money this weekend, Trashies!
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