The Bachelor Finale Recap: Enough Already!

Holy shit, Trashies. There are five hours of this show to recap. So, let’s get right to it. I’m sure it’s bound to be the most dramatic finale in Bachelor history™.

As always, Chris Harrison is in front of a live studio audience who will all be watching the show. All he does is introduce the first segment where everyone is still in Peru and Lauren and Becca will be meeting Arie’s family. I love that we get a shot of Lauren writing in her journal as if she knows more than three words.

“Dear Diary: Wow.”

Laure meeting Arie’s family is just as boring as you’d expect. Arie’s brother asks her what her most memorable date has been and she can’t really think of an answer. Seriously, Lauren just says, “All of them stand out to me.” I almost doze off as Laure talks to Arie’s dad with a whole bunch of canned answers. All I get out of this entire part is the fact that Arie has to spend a lot of time reassuring Lauren about his feelings. Then Lauren cries…sort of…to Arie’s mom about how she doesn’t want to lose him. I do have to point something out: “I’m not used to talking about feelings,” says the woman who’s been engaged twice.

The next day, it’s time for Becca to meet the family. This is a little more interesting, but only slightly. I’m starting to think that maybe Arie is the boring one. It’s very weird that Arie’s family keeps bringing up Lauren when they’re talking to Becca. That can’t feel good at all.

“So, Becca, tell me more about the other woman Arie’s been all over.”

Despite the weirdness of all this, Arie’s family seems to like Becca more than they like Lauren. They all but tell him that he should pick her. Arie just says that the final dates will give him the clarity he needs because this decision determines the rest of his life…or at least the next six months or so.

We cut back to the studio where we’re going to spend some more time with Caroline (who?) to talk about what Arie did even though we don’t know what it is at this point.

Someone is working on her Paradise audition.

Arie’s last date with Lauren is exploring Machu Picchu. Both of them tell us that it’s one of the Seven Wonders of the World, so it’s nice that they took a moment to glance at the Wikipedia page. Lauren brings up something interesting – she and Arie apparently met before in Dallas. Why was this never brought up until now?

Lauren: Wow.
Arie: Wow.

I’m not even sure how to recap this. Lauren and Arie don’t really say anything and then they make out a lot. For some reason, Arie thinks that knowing Lauren has a speckle in her left eye means that he knows her really well. These two are the most boring couple in the entire world.

Later that night, it’s more of the same. Lauren wants to tell Arie how much she loves him and why. Then she doesn’t say much of anything about why she loves him. She just does. She says that what they have is different from anything they had before, but doesn’t really say what is different about it. Seriously, this woman is the personification of yawn. Arie basically repeats everything that Lauren just said. This leads to a conversation about what their life would be like. Lauren just describes waking up and eating food. What a life.

Even Lauren looks sleepy.

We have to talk to Bekah and Seinne for some reason. The best thing out of this whole portion is Seinne’s “This is what it actually sounds like when you lose your voice” dig at Krystal.

Because I needed to love Seinne more than I already do.

The next day, it’s Becca’s final date. How is this date fair? Lauren got to see Machu Picchu and Becca…gets to walk around a flea market. She does get to pet a llama, so I guess that kind of makes up for it.

Does Arie wear that blue cardigan everywhere?

As the day comes to a close, Arie just tells us that he’s still really conflicted and doesn’t know which woman to choose. Later that evening, Becca and Arie just talk more about their relationship. He even admits to here that he’s still conflicted. I mean, I guess that’s all he can say. He can’t really say, “I’m totally picking you” or “Yeah, so, I’ll be dumping you in, like, 24 hours.” Somehow this whole conversation ends with Becca feeling confident, making out with Arie, and then giving him a scrapbook.

I really don’t care what Ben and Jason have to say about this. Neither was a good example to follow. So, let’s get right to the proposal/dumping. We all know how this goes. Arie talks to Neil Lane to decide which ring he’ll be giving back in a few months. They’re all super gaudy and kind of hideous. After that, it’s time for the woman getting dumped to arrive. It’s Lauren. I can’t figure out if the expression her face is because she knows what’s about to happen (it’s well known that the dumpee usually arrives early in the day)…

…or if that’s just her usually bland expression.

The breakup is just as boring as their entire relationship has been. I roll my eyes when, in the limo, Lauren says that Arie “took the easy route.” Why is that a bad thing? I don’t want to marry someone who would be considered “the difficult route.” What I love so much about the future Mr. Philly is that our relationship is just easy.

This is the most emotion Lauren has shown this entire season.

Of course that means the proposal is coming next! Thankfully, Arie does not use Becca’s cringy, “Let’s do the damn thing!” line from her night one mock proposal. So, yeah, Becca and Arie are engaged, but we all know what’s going to happen from here.

I’m just posting this because we need a shot of Becca’s awesome dress.

So, I’m not going to spend a whole lot of time recapping every moment of the breakup. I thought the whole thing was just kind of gross. Arie telling Becca that the longer he spent with her the less possibility there was for him to get back together with Lauren almost made me spit out my wine. Are you kidding? You’re fucking engaged. You shouldn’t be worried about that!

Now, I don’t think it’s bad that Arie ended a relationship he didn’t want to be in. I’m also don’t think it’s bad that he pursued a relationship with Lauren. That’s fine. What I think is terrible is that Becca was, basically, ambushed. She thought it was just a normal happy couple weekend. Instead, camera crews showed up just to capture her heartbreak. To her credit, she handled it very well. She calmly just asked Arie to leave. I got really pissed off when he just wouldn’t. It’s as if the producers wouldn’t let the breakup end until Becca gave them a lot of drama they so desperately wanted. Good on her for remaining as calm as possible the whole time.

So, now we have to have a full two hours of an “After the Final Rose” special. I have to laugh at Chris Harrison spoiling everything in the first 30 seconds. He says, “We’ll see another proposal here tonight. Could it happen tonight?” You literally just told is it would. You had one job, Chris Harrison.

The first part is most just a recapping of the breakup.

To add insult to injury, they booked Becca a middle seat on the flight home.

Meanwhile, Arie spends some time talking to Jason Mesnick who famously dumped Melissa for a chance to be with his runner up Molly. I’m not sure you can really compare these two things. First of all, both Melissa and Jason have confirmed that they broke up privately before their televised “breakup.” Also, Jason wasn’t sure that Molly would even be interested. We now know that Arie was in contact with Lauren before he ended things with Becca to ensure that he had that safety night. Finally, Jason and Molly dated for nearly a year before they got engaged. They didn’t get engaged all of a month after the end of Jason’s previous engagement.

“Don’t compare yourself to me, Arie.”

With that, Arie goes to find Lauren. Of course she takes him back. I really want Lauren to love herself more. She should consider everything Arie has done and just say, “Are you fucking kidding me? Get the hell out of my house.” Instead, I’m sure she’ll just say, “Wow.”

Of course.

Lauren asks Arie if he’s over Becca and he says that he 1000% is. Seriously? Days after ending his engagement, he’s over it? Ugh. Done.

So, back in the studio we’re talking to Bekah, Caroline, Seinne, Not Raven, and Kendall. This makes me realize that we completely ignored the best love story all season:

Bekah’s deep love for hideous statement earrings.

Chris Harrison asks the ladies what they think of showing the breakup on TV (because a lot of people hated it). Of course they all say it was fine to show it. They want to secure their places on Paradise in a few months. We also find out that Not Raven was hanging out with Lauren the night that Arie reached out to her – right before the seasoned aired. Bekah flat out says that she hopes Lauren gets out of the relationship as soon as possible. Seinne is a little more diplomatic. She’s not confident that it will work out, but she hopes it does. Then the women all but says, “Please, dear God, let Becca be The Bachelorette.” Well, except for maybe Not Raven because we all know that she’s been gunning for the role.

We finally get to talk to Becca who keeps things pretty neutral since we all know there’s no way she won’t be the Bachelorette at this point. Of course she also says that showing the footage was OK. She’s under contract, so she really can’t have any issues with it. It was pretty cool to see people sending Becca money via Venmo to buy wine…to the tune of $6,000+. Becca decides that the money should be donated to Stand Up to Cancer and the show will be matching it.

The Bachelorette edit continues.

Becca and Arie’s confrontation is nothing to exciting. It’s very similar to Ben and Jojo. She knows she’s about to be announced as the next lead, so she has to make sure the audience knows that she’s ready to move on. Becca can’t act all sorts of heartbroken and weepy. Also, Arie can get the hell out of here with his “I wanted to do it on camera so people could see that none of this was on Becca” excuse. In what universe would anyone think that Becca is at fault in this situation?

At least the stylists set Becca up with a pretty great “fuck you” dress.

Because we have to fill two hours of this, Molly and Jason are here! Again, I’m pretty sure that you can’t compare these two situations. We do learn that Chris Harrison is getting threats over all of this for some reason. I think he’s just happy to have this much screen time. Jason and Molly just give Arie advice to get out of the public eye for a while. That’s all well and good, but Arie just isn’t there to hear it. With that, I drink a several shots of espresso because Lauren and Arie are up next, and I’m just trying to stay awake.

OK, this whole thing starts with the best exchange in the history of this show. Chris Harrison says to Lauren, “I can’t even imagine what’s going through your head right now.” And Lauren responds with “Me either!”

And that sums her up perfectly.

The segment is just a recapping over everything we already know. Arie reached out to Lauren (on Instagram) on New Year’s Eve and here we are. I’m not sure why Lauren thinks that Arie is somehow brave for all of this, but we’ve seen that she’s not all that bright. Of course, Arie proposes to Lauren (Chris Harrison told us this would be happening), and it’s the least amount of applause that anyone has ever gotten on this show.

Bekah is all of us.

So, that’s final over with! Let’s get right to Becca being officially announced as the next Bachelorette. Like last year, I think it’s really awesome to see all the other ladies (even Not Raven) rallying around their friend.

I really wish we got to see more of the friendships and less of the Krystal drama.

Just like last year, they’ve decided to fill time by having Becca meeting a few of her suitors. Lincoln (the British dude) is pretty cute, but most of them are just cringey (of course). I’m sure we’ll see them all on Paradise in a few months.

So, that’s it for this season, Trashies! Once again, it was another super boring season of The Bachelor. Let’s hope that Becca’s season produces at least one viable option, because I don’t think there’s anyone left on the bottom of the barrel for ABC to cast.

Until The Bachelorette, Trashies!

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